Dating: Our Worst Fears?

I have posted a couple of times on here some dating advice, and some rules I found helpful in dealing with some specific challenges.  And yes I completely agree that dating can be a big and scary place.  This seemingly endless abyss, where by humans feel like they are in constant limbo looking to escape and find a soul mate.  Just knowing you are in limbo sucks, thus it is not a far stretch in understanding why so many of us complain about dating.  The idea of dating has a negative connotation in our society.  Rarely do we brag about dating an endless line of dead end people.  We are joyful when we say we met someone amazing.  So it is quite draining and emotionally difficult riding that up and down wave of initial butterflies followed by rejection and rock bottom.  We rush to delete that single status and jump directly in relationships because dating is hard.  But it may not have to be.
There are so many sayings that I could use right now such as, good things come to those who wait, or the best things happen when you are not looking for them.  And yes I do think that these ring true, but what are we doing in the meantime?  Sitting alone playing video games, or dressing up and walking around the mall hoping for serendipity to occur?  Maybe for a short time, but a better use of our time is to start dating.  This world of dating is so much more than just meeting your “one true love”; it’s about honing up on our social skills, small talk interactions, and working on our people filters.  These skills are so much more valuable than just picking up; you can meet some amazing people.  As well your interactions at the workplace and networking skills will improve as a result. 

Look at the big picture when it comes to dating, as it is not just about voiding the loneliness.  But rather about the skills that you will pick up so much quicker and are able to apply to various aspects of your life.  It is more than just learning positive social skills, it is also about learning how to deal and react with negative ones.  If a person is rude and condescending, use the advantage of this being a perfect stranger to watch how you react and then deal with them.  This will directly transfer into the workplace if you ever have a boss that treats you with little or no respect.  Or how about a person who is an emotional train-wreck?  Figure out how best you handle dealing with them, work on not playing into their games which will help immensely if you have a family member who suffers from poor me syndrome.  It sounds cynical, but use the situation that you find yourself in to the positive.  Benefit from all these strangers surrounding you and work on your BS filter or any other skill that you know you lack.  Dating then evolves from this terrifying world with only one true purpose into making you a more stable individual who can adapt and work effectively in a variety of situations.
So my dear friends who have found themselves single for the New Year, I hope I have offered some encouragement to dating.  And may this New Year find you the happiest and most fulfilled even during times of stress and adversity.  Life after all keeps moving forward and rolling and adapting is what we humans are best at.  And of course if you really want to take dating to the next level, I would recommend searching some dating expert books.  I am happy to e-mail you a few of my favorites if you are curious J

Out But in But Out…

Also titled: How women test the waters and have a back up plan prior to asking for what they want or ending a relationship.  I have written about my insecurities with my relationships and yes of course there will be a lot more where that came from.  I am swimming in uncharted territory right now and as exciting as it is there are trials and tribulations which can be unique to my situation, and there are the same shit different pile examples as well.   So here is one that has recently been brought up.  Men see things a lot more black and white than women do.  I was asked a very simple question by my boyfriend which was, is your friend single?  Unto which I replied in the most convoluted way, well yes but no, well sort of, I’m not sure.  Seriously, I put so many extra variables into this very simple and obvious answer that I was even more confused by the end of my analysis.  And thus I was inspired to find out why I was unable to answer, and the conclusion was incredibly simple, she has used an ancient seduction and survival technique to confuse all those around her.
I will do my best to explain this using myself as an example to protect the anonymity of my friend.  When I was reconsidering staying with my ex I employed a little “test the water trick” that may sound pretty twisted and cruel in certain lights but here goes.  I was feeling really insecure and I was not confident that I could handle the pain of my impending breakup alone.  I knew that I could no longer be with this man,( http://k-ghislaine.blogspot.com/2011/08/love.html), however I rationalized that I could only handle feeling one emotion at a time or I would have a complete and utter break down.  So to protect myself I found a rebound guy, but here’s the rub of it.  The re-bound guy was actually a major player in this prior to me ending the relationship.  I assure you that there was no physical cheating of any kind, but I will admit there were emotional indiscretions.  I found a guy who was physically interested in me, would be a shoulder for me to cry on and a great person to just shoot the shit with when I was lonely.  I created a scapegoat in order to fully execute my breakup and ease the emotional burden I was about to face.
As I was soon to find out, I was not the only one to do this.  And it’s scary to think that this can almost be called a default plan of attack.  Looking back, whenever I have decided to bring up big and scary issues I have purposefully reconnected with someone who will have my back and my needs met just in case.  This is relationship survival at its very core.  And the best part is?  It is done all on the sly so that your nearest and dearest are completely in the dark to your real motives.  There is a great shroud of mystery in your actions.  Whatever the fallout is, you can blame the right time right place, emotional instability, or just plain you couldn’t lie about your feelings for your scapegoat anymore and thus had to do the responsible thing and end thing with your significant other.  On the one hand I am pretty impressed at the skill level that women are able to accomplish the basic protect thyself mantra.  Of course on the other hand, I am a little nervous if I will still try this in the future or if I will come up with something even more devious.
So the bottom line here?  Woman are magical creatures who will do what it takes to stay happy, even if that means doing something completely underhanded and cruel even to a right place wrong time guy who gets caught in the crossfire of an ending relationship.  And the motives of the woman are so well protected that it is hard to convincingly state where they are at with their significant other.   This is a strategy of timing and a woman being able to walk away with her head held high to the outside world.  Is she In or is she Out?

The 18 Year Old

I have never dated an 18 year old, or anyone younger for that matter.  Even when I was a teenager myself dating was just not something that I had any interest in.  The guys my age were confusing and even when I entered university at 17 (three weeks before turning 18) the guys had little to offer me.  I went on a date here and there but nothing ever went beyond that first date or that horrible awkward first kiss goodnight.  I cannot say for sure if it was low self esteem or just that I had so many other things going on and the juvenile nature of the boys surrounding me just left me with the feeling of disinterest.  So why bring this up?
Last night I went out to a pub with about 15 guys between the ages of 18 and 23.  I have surrounded myself with people who are older than me pretty much my entire life.  Even when I was a small child I preferred hanging around the adults rather than playing with the kids my own age.  Thus I was a little out of my comfort zone.  As well it was the first time that many of these guys have met me so it was a double edged sword.  So I did what I usually do in new situations, I just sat back and watched all the dynamics around me.  And of course I made some mental notes so I could share what I learned.
The first thing is the handshakes.  There were the handshakes from the guys who knew I was in a relationship and gave me a firm handshake like meeting any new buddy would.  These were from guys who have enough going in there favour and just are out to have fun.  Then came the shy barely would touch my hand – shake.  Now this is where I really got interested.  The guy in particular who gave me this sort of handshake, I instantly misjudged.  And yes I would have misjudged him sorely as a teenage too.  My first reaction was that this guy was completely dismissing me and wouldn’t even give me the time of day for a proper handshake.  On closer analysis though, it turns out that he was the most eager to meet women and gladly wanted my bf and my help in this regard.  This 18 year old just has no game whatsoever. 

I have not spent much time around guys without the slightest clue in regards to women in quite a few years.  And this really got me thinking about something I wrote about previously http://k-ghislaine.blogspot.com/2011/10/dating-how-to.html.  We are not taught to date, just that we should.  I guess if I had dated as a teenage I may have gone through the growing pains at the same time as the guys around me, fumbling through what my peers said versus what I thought I knew.  Stumbling awkwardly through the maze of hormones and dealing with opposite sex symbols and signs.  So I am thusly lost when it comes to these young ones, and that is not say I’m old but rather that I missed an integral learning point in my dating career.  So how now do I help guide these young guys and give them advice that is appropriate for the sexual attention they desire?  I have no idea, but hopefully I will figure something out by the time I go out with them again and the pressure is on.  So stayed tuned for my next installment of what I have learned from the 18 year olds.

An Introspective: My Own Happiness

I have a flaw, well I have many flaws but one of my largest hindrances in my relationships is effective communication when something is bothering me.  As I completed the writing of my previous blog,  I realized that I really am so much happier.  So I asked myself why I am happy right now, and the answer is nothing is eating away at me.  I just do not have any waiting for a fight or issues in my emotional “outbox”.  The majority of my time on this planet historically had been spent trying to resolve family issues or learn how to accept people for who they are.  To move a step forward to find the goodness and love them, even when they repeatedly would hurt me.  I would therefore keep my mouth shut about any issues that would arise and I would look past, grin and bare it.  This was how I learned to forge relationships with my family, which lead to friendships, which lead to sexual relationships.  Be who I am, but allow the person to be who they were and be the bigger person even if they said something to offend or hurt me, after all it is who they are.  I am overgeneralising a bit here, especially when it comes to acquaintances.  My foot has gone in my mouth many a time with people who have irritated me in passing by or early on in our friendship.  But when it came to love of friends and family, then this holds eerily true for almost everyone.

There is an incredibly obvious downfall to this approach, things get too big to handle.  Not dealing with issues when they were small, allowed them to grow into monstrous thorns in my future interactions.  Resulting in one of two things; there would be an emotional eruption by yours truly or else just a complete cut off from the person as I could no longer accept them.  I am fairly easy going, especially now as I get older, so has taken me a long time to really see the pattern here in my relationships.  But I finally have a little clarity, and what’s more I have support in changing this terrible flaw.  As I am writing this with the hindsight is 20/20 approach I have a flood of examples to choose from in illustrating this flaw of mine.  It’s almost scary how many I have to choose from.  I’m 90% sure that if you know me in person, you will probably know of an example yourself and that is really humbling.  If you don’t have an example, perhaps you are one of the lucky ones who I have never ever fought with, or even had a disagreement with.  This may not always be a good sign, or I am just that awesome to be around???  Nope, I most likely have just been passive and overly accepting of you being who you are and finding an inscrutable way to see you for your positives.
I have a family member who every few years or so manages to gossip and put herself into a position of wedging a rift between my best friend and I.  This has been going on every 3 years or so since I was about 9.  The same pattern always occurs, this person builds up confidences in all the family and really good strong bonds and relationships.  Then there is a disagreement between 2 people that does not concern her, however she has these confidences and decides that it is her duty to try and fix or solve the problems.  I am either one of the two people involved in the issue or more often I am asked my opinion or knowledge about the issue.  As I have mentioned before I am a straight shooter whenever I am asked a direct question and we have a fairly small family.  The result of my honesty is each and every time she tries to bate my best friend and I against each other.  Wham bam there is family drama that I get to make apologies and make atonement’s for.  I`m sorry that I cannot give specific examples and this sounds concluded, but I am trying my best to protect the identities of any of my family members who may read this.  The lesson that I learned was to keep my mouth shut whenever there are issues.  I didn`t ever want to fight or be put in a position where I could be swayed to give an opinion.  And I learned this lesson so well that it branched into all my adult relationships.
Which is a great example of why I so desperately try not point out any even seemingly little things.  I too quickly have seen how even a tiny or innocent comment has evolved into a large family battle.  These battles suck, no one wins, and everyone involved gets hurt.  So I have spent years avoiding conflict of any kind, as a direct result.  Like I mentioned there have been many many instances along the same lines of the example written above.  So what has changed and what has allowed me to try and work past this flaw making more real relationships that now have the potential for growth?  
For one, the realisation that if there is a person, even family who constantly makes me feel bad about myself or sabotages my relationships, then I can not interact with them without first letting them know.  This is such a taboo in my family, and I know there will be some major flack for it, as I have been raised that family is first.  When the most recent occurrence of the example about happened last year, I wrote a very passionate email to the person.  I tried to brainstorm out a few ways that I felt we could stop discussing any other member of the family behind there backs, thus breaking the potential for something to be said out of context.  I also requested that she give me feedback for things she would like me to try and change so we can slowly rebuild a healthy relationship free of this very painful pattern that has been developed.  I did not receive a reply.  I parted ways in the most mature way I could, where the door is open if she would like to discuss having a healthy relationship in the future, but with a clear indication that I would no longer keep things inside until they reached a fever pitch, or were drawn out of me in her manipulative tactic (whether for good intent or not).  
The next thing which I am taking in very baby steps and uses a lot of bravery on my part, is to only take a couple of minutes to decide if I need to bring something up that’s bugging me.  I historically would take hours or even days coming up with a well rounded argument weighing all the pros and cons, and in my head formulating my plan to discuss in great detail.  I was very afraid of saying something in the heat of the moment, or misspeaking, so afraid that I would ensure emotions were completely out of all dealings with issues I had.  Now I take 5 minutes or less to decide what the issue is, and trust that if it took me a whole 5 minutes to decide that when I speak about it my intelligence will kick in enough to articulate my thoughts.  Even if emotion sneaks into it, it is better it out there quicker and allow both partners the same time to discuss or think about the issue if need be.  
With these two little changes in place my happiness level has gone up exponentially.  I don’t have the lingering feeling that there is a major issue I need to give thought to.  I have the ability to send an email or try and bring up an issue in a timely manor.  If the issue can’t get resolved then it is not the end of the world for the person not to be a part of my life, family or not.  Its a sobering thought to realise how your family interacts with you plays a role in your adult relationships.  Spend some time thinking about how you bring up disagreements or issues with your partner.  Try and take it a step farther and think about how you learned to fight with your siblings or parents and what was necessary for resolutions.  I would love to hear your stories, so please add your comments or find me on twitter @k_ghislaine.

Shhh… It’s a secret! My X-Mas Gift Advice

X-mas is right around the corner, and thus may I present a little relationship blog on gift giving.  I was trying hard not to listen to the ladies seated in front of me on a recent flight, but of course my curiosity got the best of me when their volume rose.  The two ladies were in their late 30’s and both wore very nice looking wedding bands.  So clearly they must have a few relationship tips if they are already married right?  Well sadly they were not bragging about how amazing their sex life was or anything remotely positive in the marriage world.  Instead they were bitching about the recent gifts their husbands had purchased.

Here’s my little recap.  Blond lady received a lavish necklace, but is too embarrassed to wear it.  It’s much to ornate and doesn’t go with her day to day image.  Brunette lady recently received a bath spa kit she swears she saw at Costco.  Therefor Brunettes husband bought her a last minute gift and Blond’s husband doesn’t really know her tastes after all these years.  Then the usual “there, there, it’s the thought that counts”.  And the sobbing, “but why does he think I’m so superficial that the cost would be more than the thought?”.  Did I mention I was on my way to Vegas and was listening to a lady cry about a gorgeous necklace?

I cannot possibly say that I am above this conversation and that I have not had it in my early dating years.  I am sure that I did, but I spent a lot of effort ensuring that once I was made aware this behavior ended.  And I will tell you why. There are many ways to look at a relationship.  I try to be as realistic and level headed as I can be.  This is how I look at the gift giving side to my relationships, you must make a choice based on your own values.

If being surprised is the most important thing to you on X-mas morning then you get to deal with the reality that the opening and anticipation is you favorite part of the gift.  And when you open the package you may or may not get a bonus.  If on the other hand you really value the gift inside, then please for the love of all my sanity just tell the person what you want!  Give them a list to pick from or tell them in an active conversation what you would like this year as a present.  He is not a mind reader and no he has not been listening for the last 6 months for the little hints like you have.  Woman pay attention to a different sort of detail than men do, and this gives us many advantages I think in a long term relationship.  This is a strength of woman, and less so of the average male.

To segway into one of my favorite topics, which of course is sex, there are many parallels with this advice.  If you love surprises and want the ball in his court, then lie back and enjoy him taking control.  But if on the other hand there is something that you want to try, or more of, then he needs to be told.  The man is not going to listen carefully for the changes in your moaning to determine what move he makes next.  Have the conversation and take charge of your happiness and improving your own life.  Do not put it in your partners hands and then bitch to your friends that there is something missing.

What says more about your relationship?  That you can communicate and add to each others happiness or the lamenting that he is not the mind reader you want him to be?  And if you are one of the women all about the thrill of surprise, please brag about the surprise itself.  As we all know sometimes whats inside isn’t what we expected, so realize this and remember what’s really important to you.  You can enjoy the surprise or the gift inside.  Either way put yourself in a position to find your happiness either way.  Life’s short, so enjoy.