First Impressions, Something I Really Suck At

I have heard it before and it seems that I will hear it again, I absolutely am terrible at first impressions.  I suppose it is a defense mechanism that serves to protect me from getting hurt, and ward off evil villains and the like.  But in all seriousness I just am not one to be my open and bubbly self when I meet a stranger for the first time.  Odd that I worked retail for such a significant portion of my working career which is based on first impressions, especially when dealing with children, and having to feign much cheerfulness.  Perhaps this increased my dismissive qualities or decreased them, it is hard for me to introduce myself to me and pinpoint exactly what I do wrong.
But one thing I have consistently found is that I come off as cold, or shy.  I see all the people who know me nodding their heads in agreement, and I wish I had some magic button with which to undo these first impressions, but sigh I just do not.  Maybe this is the reason why I do not put any stock in love at first sight, if it existed I would be in for a life of loneliness for sure.  I know that I do not put any effort into fixing this problem that I have found in myself, rather I put my focus onto what happens after the first meetings.  That is the part where I am able to shine, and sparkle.  I love the flirting and the dance of emotions that includes the amazing butterfly feelings that happen as you get to know someone special. 
There is also the peculiar possibility that I insist on making challenges for myself.  It would seem to easy to just fall for somebody out of the blue, instead there is a type of seduction that includes building in a chase factor.  If you make it too easy to fall for someone then the likelihood that it will last is very low.  Whereas if someone has to work to gain attention or a place in someone`s mind the odds increase in favour of a longer courtship.  I for one, love a good puzzle or a to be challenged.  I wholeheartedly subscribe to the idea that things in life worth getting involve a great deal of work.  And I was raised to work hard for what I have.  Thus I daily challenge the ideal of first impressions being the most important thing, instead for me, it is what comes afterwards that matters.

Relationships Take Work

Relationships take work, but perhaps not for the reasons that we have been taught or been lead to believe because of our peers.  I am currently reading “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov, and I am amazed by how my brain starts turning when I read it.  It is straight forward, simple, humorous and often satirically sad.  The steps are perfect for meeting a guy, and yes I checked off so many things that I naturally have done in the past and present.  But the rub of it all is that when it comes to a relationship the work that needs to be put in is not the fabled how to communicate and learn to work through problems.  Although I feel this is important, it is what the woman wants and needs.  In actuality, it seems that I have often forgotten how to keep the guy hooked for long periods of time.
Here is where I am coming from.  Often I feel like a break is the most important thing in maintaining longevity in my past relationships.  But I am not quite sure that I honed in on why.  With my Ex D, the truth of the matter is that throughout the 8 ish years we broke up a total of 4 times.  After each breakup we re-grouped, sorted through our issues and became even stronger for it.  But there was something that I personally was doing without even realizing.  I was re-seducing him, making him crazy for me all over again and re-igniting that fire.  But we had to break up for me to put the effort into making this happen again.  Once he was reinvested in making me happy the relationship took very little work and communication was natural and easy. 
I applaud this book for actually spelling out the missing link here.  I have read enough books on seduction to know that I have a natural ability in my own way for hooking a male.  This was in part a natural gift, mixed with how I was raised, then added with some literature that gave me a whole new insight into the why’s and on whom my tactics work best.  I wrote about Staying Seductive, and the books that lead me to this have been invaluable and are listed there.  But there is a stress and an almost inherent need to seduce like you have never seduced before when everything is on the line in the wake of a breakup.
I had a girlfriend who told me that her couples therapist advised that every true couple needs to breakup at least once to really feel that sense of loss and bring them to that level to really work on the things that need to be worked on.  This seemed like sound logic to me, but I wonder if there is a way to naturally ensure this happens without breaking up?  I for one am terrible at recognizing when I should be rekindling things and re creating that spark.  For me it takes breaking up to recognize it.  I fully admit that this has cost me a great love, and lover.  I suppose like anything it takes practice, so I hope by writing this down and really recognizing what needs to be done in the future will help me think clearer in my future relationships.  I do not fondly like admitting when I fall short of the mark, but if it helps any of you dear readers then I have not done so without just cause.  So bottom line, work at the relationship, but also work on keep that spark and re-seducing from time to time.  The males will always work harder and make things easier for the girl that they are just crazy about.

How To Stay Seductive in the Long Term

I blogged a wee bit about flirting for the newly out of a relationship, here.  For a relationship to have happiness in the long term things are a little different.  One aspect that I constantly see left behind is the seduction. Seduction is not just for landing yourself a mate. Seduction can be the glue that keeps your relationship exciting for the long haul. If the basics for the relationship are there, then putting in the effort to keep things exciting should be an exciting venture. 

It’s a myth that seduction always has to be about lighting candles, chocolate and sex. Actually in my experience the instability of a few lows mixed in with the highs works extremely well. There are times that the emotional bonds forged, when tears are shed really goes so much deeper than just constantly being sexy. Humans have a wide range of emotions, so with a bit of skill you can take your partner on an emotional roller coaster. There is a part of me that hesitates to write that last statement so I will do a little clarification. I am writing this blog on the basis that you have a firm foundation and have been together for quite a while. In the first 6 months or so, using any of these techniques may allow for the crazy or unstable persona, and these things can occur quite naturally. 
You know your partner, and you have built up the trust enough to know how far you may push him/her. So now is time for the fun part of being in a long term relationship. Here are a few not so secrets that have worked in my relationships. And hopefully you recognize that subconsciously you have been doing this all along, but now you can bring it to a conscious level with a bit more control and technique.
Firstly it’s really important that you break up your routines every once and a while. Nothing spells stagnant or unsexy like the same old thing night after night, even if you both really enjoy routine. If you have schedules that you must keep week in and out, find time to break the pattern every so often. If you both love movie night, switch it up by getting dressed up and seeing a live play or performance or any variance on the day in day out. Have your coffee in bed rather than at the kitchen table, just be creative.  This occurred naturally when you first met and had to mesh each others schedules and fit time for the other.  So re-enact that from time to time.
The next thing is to have a dynamic relationship. Being happy and having fun day in and day out can get boring. A little drama can go a long way, and make up sex is beyond exciting. Have you ever tried stirring the pot just a little bit, but for a positive result? Something really simple to get you started, have a little water fight, or tickle each other. There is no malice intent, just creating a dynamic playing field where you are able to cycle through a range of emotions together. Just writing this I am able to clearly see all these events that naturally took place in the “honeymoon” phase of my relationships. And it takes skill and knowledge to re create these events for the future and keep that new love feeling going strong.  How funny that these things don’t seem like you are seducing at all hence why seduction is so much more than physical.
Be thoughtful and spontaneous. Leave a note on his pillow, or when you grocery shop pick up their favourite treat. Just anything little that elicits an unconscious smile. Don’t forget body contact. Think back on the days when you first met and couldn’t keep your hands off of each other. Give a scalp massage while watching your favourite show, or a quick spank when cooking dinner. All these things you have done in the past, but with life moving forward so quickly these actions become rare. 
Put some thought into your favourite memories of the time spent together in the first few weeks, and draw from those experiences your inspiration for a conscious seduction. Its amazing how intuitive these actions can be when the hormones are flowing and there is the element of new. For a long term success you will be able to keep things on this dynamic plane and keep the new alive.  These are just a few of the techniques that have worked for me.  Try a few, and please feel free as always to offer some suggestions 🙂

Flirting: My First Topic Request

So as the title states I am very excited to have had my first topic request the other day.  Here are my thoughts on flirting.
First things first, be prepared to fail.  Rejection can be really hard to take especially for a person newly out of a relationship, or even just lonely.  For me, I had liquid courage the first time I went out to flirt and I failed miserably (the story will be coming up shortly).  I had to learn two lessons very quickly: First, that the worst thing that can happen when you pick a target is the guy (or girl) is going to say is no, or fuck off.  Really, that’s easy to get over and once you hear it a couple of times your skin thickens and you move right on.  I would recommend if you are rusty, go up to a guy really out of your league.  Seriously it’s one of those no harm no foul moments where if you luck out, fantastic.  If you don’t, well no loss you got the first and hardest no out of the way.

The second thing, and this is really crucial, is to determine your end game.  I know that can sound a little silly but there is an excellent reason.  I personally cannot stand women who are teases.  They monopolize a guy’s attention for the night, then giggle, and go home alone or to their boyfriends/husbands getting what they need only.  I have been the shoulder for many a guy wondering what the hell just happened and how much they now hate women.  And with great reason, there is just no place for a tease and I will not support that. If your end game is simply attention, then please please, get a little attention and then move on.  The guy has needs too, and if you knowingly take up all his attention and plan on going home alone, that can crush a guys esteem and is really selfish on your part.  Sorry about the vent, moving on.

Once you choose if the night is for a little pick me up, or to get a little action, it helps to know your target, and that I would recommend reading Robert Greene’s, The Art of Seduction. The book does a really great job of defining the different seducers and also explains what your own type is.  If you have any other suggestions for me I would love to hear about them.  Once you have a firm grasp of what your strengths and weakness’ are, flirting can be so exciting and there are so many boundaries to push through.  As the book mentions, you can apply seduction to all aspects of your life, including the business world.  However this is not always easy the first time.

When I first went out to flirt it was to build up my confidence.  To give me a feeling of sex appeal and a little re-assurance that I could potentially find someone else and would not end up alone.  I went to the bar very desperate for attention and it showed.  I was insecure and waiting for anyone to make eye contact while I very ungracefully chugged a few too many cocktails.  I should mention that I also was on a pub a crawl, clearly I had no idea what I was doing.  I can laugh now at the whole scene but here I was drunk, going from bar to bar, and getting sloppy.  I have no idea how it happened, but I ended up being that girl that I have felt sorry for so many times.  By leaving the bar with some random guy, and in the morning doing the walk of shame.  Not the highlight of my flirting career let me tell you.

Now for some things that actually work.  Sex appeal has a lot to do with confidence.  I asked a guy once why he slept with a girl, that let’s say didn’t share his same fitness beliefs.  His reply was quite simply she made the first move and was very confident.  I was in awe, and did not fully realize just the impact that this has.  I personally had been after this guy for a while, and to find out that the pining over him was incredibly un-attractive really hit home.  There are quite a few other tricks that I have learned, and I will try and share them all in the upcoming blogs.  But if you walk in with confidence, know what you are after, and are able to push away the fear of rejection (without booze) you have already won the initial battle. 


The First Touch

Do you remember that first time that your partner touched you? Even that first tingling from a brush on the arm, that craving and anticipation for more?  The butterflies after you went home from your first hug or kiss?  That adrenaline rush that seemed to last for hours?  Take yourself back to that amazing time, that personal high that had you grinning for hours.  That is the first touch.  When you touch your partner do you still feel that?  Very doubtful.  There may be slight rushes here and there, but they are nothing compared to those first few times. If you are like me in any way shape or form there can be an almost addicting quality to finding this sensation.

Yes your partner is amazing and a great friend but where is that rush of excitement?  For most people that I have spoken to, it seems like they are convincing themselves that they are content in the great depth of the emotional bond that now connects them with their partner.  This emotional and almost addictive first contact “void” has been replaced by memories, time spent and the promise of future stability.  Maybe I have a hint of cynicism when I ask them, but I look at the big picture and where they are at in their lives.  I try and be as objective as possible when discussing but I typically don’t buy in those couples being truly fulfilled in their lives.  I understand how tempting happily ever after is, I even gave it a full blog .  But that is where it ends, at temptation.

Why, when our society is advancing so far in the technological realm can we not also wish for the moon when it comes to our lives?  Can we get to a point where we can actually have everything and not just fill voids with conciliatory prizes?  There are a few studies out there about adults and seniors going back to school. That their health and visual appearances can improve dramatically.  As well the constant education promotes us to keep challenging our ideas and views http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/03/education/edlife/03adult-t.html.  As we age the complexity and level of understanding increases.  This being said, do any of you know a couple that has gone through a life changing crisis, or midlife crisis, and come back together to be a stronger and healthier couple?  I am lucky to know a few.  Even if there were indiscretions, which is usually the case, two adults can come together and see the big picture.  

So here is the point of my tangent, what if we could have a relationship with a loving supportive partner, still have the much needed joy of that first touch on the side, and avoid the possible divorce or midlife crisis in the middle?  Why go through all the pain and torment when it is so much more pleasurable to live trying to attain every aspect that makes us happy?  

Coming back to reality, I do get upset from time to time when I think of my partner investing time in someone else.  It’s not the mentality I was raised with and this new way of thinking does have it’s ups and downs.  But when I am able to see the really big picture, I know what many of my family friends have gone through in there 40’s and 50’s with this very basic human desire for the new touch.  The couples that have made it through that rough patch on the surface seem stronger for all the years of pain they went through and maybe they really are.  Personally I don’t want the years of pain, I want to live life to the fullest now.  I want the most of my relationship in a lasting way, not in a settled way.  And I am a woman who loves that new touch from time to time.  I am proud that I am aware of this fact and that I can build a relationship on trust and love at the same time.