So as the title states I am very excited to have had my first topic request the other day. Here are my thoughts on flirting.
First things first, be prepared to fail. Rejection can be really hard to take especially for a person newly out of a relationship, or even just lonely. For me, I had liquid courage the first time I went out to flirt and I failed miserably (the story will be coming up shortly). I had to learn two lessons very quickly: First, that the worst thing that can happen when you pick a target is the guy (or girl) is going to say is no, or fuck off. Really, that’s easy to get over and once you hear it a couple of times your skin thickens and you move right on. I would recommend if you are rusty, go up to a guy really out of your league. Seriously it’s one of those no harm no foul moments where if you luck out, fantastic. If you don’t, well no loss you got the first and hardest no out of the way.
The second thing, and this is really crucial, is to determine your end game. I know that can sound a little silly but there is an excellent reason. I personally cannot stand women who are teases. They monopolize a guy’s attention for the night, then giggle, and go home alone or to their boyfriends/husbands getting what they need only. I have been the shoulder for many a guy wondering what the hell just happened and how much they now hate women. And with great reason, there is just no place for a tease and I will not support that. If your end game is simply attention, then please please, get a little attention and then move on. The guy has needs too, and if you knowingly take up all his attention and plan on going home alone, that can crush a guys esteem and is really selfish on your part. Sorry about the vent, moving on.
Once you choose if the night is for a little pick me up, or to get a little action, it helps to know your target, and that I would recommend reading Robert Greene’s, The Art of Seduction. The book does a really great job of defining the different seducers and also explains what your own type is. If you have any other suggestions for me I would love to hear about them. Once you have a firm grasp of what your strengths and weakness’ are, flirting can be so exciting and there are so many boundaries to push through. As the book mentions, you can apply seduction to all aspects of your life, including the business world. However this is not always easy the first time.
When I first went out to flirt it was to build up my confidence. To give me a feeling of sex appeal and a little re-assurance that I could potentially find someone else and would not end up alone. I went to the bar very desperate for attention and it showed. I was insecure and waiting for anyone to make eye contact while I very ungracefully chugged a few too many cocktails. I should mention that I also was on a pub a crawl, clearly I had no idea what I was doing. I can laugh now at the whole scene but here I was drunk, going from bar to bar, and getting sloppy. I have no idea how it happened, but I ended up being that girl that I have felt sorry for so many times. By leaving the bar with some random guy, and in the morning doing the walk of shame. Not the highlight of my flirting career let me tell you.
Now for some things that actually work. Sex appeal has a lot to do with confidence. I asked a guy once why he slept with a girl, that let’s say didn’t share his same fitness beliefs. His reply was quite simply she made the first move and was very confident. I was in awe, and did not fully realize just the impact that this has. I personally had been after this guy for a while, and to find out that the pining over him was incredibly un-attractive really hit home. There are quite a few other tricks that I have learned, and I will try and share them all in the upcoming blogs. But if you walk in with confidence, know what you are after, and are able to push away the fear of rejection (without booze) you have already won the initial battle.
Do you remember that first time that your partner touched you? Even that first tingling from a brush on the arm, that craving and anticipation for more? The butterflies after you went home from your first hug or kiss? That adrenaline rush that seemed to last for hours? Take yourself back to that amazing time, that personal high that had you grinning for hours. That is the first touch. When you touch your partner do you still feel that? Very doubtful. There may be slight rushes here and there, but they are nothing compared to those first few times. If you are like me in any way shape or form there can be an almost addicting quality to finding this sensation.
Yes your partner is amazing and a great friend but where is that rush of excitement? For most people that I have spoken to, it seems like they are convincing themselves that they are content in the great depth of the emotional bond that now connects them with their partner. This emotional and almost addictive first contact “void” has been replaced by memories, time spent and the promise of future stability. Maybe I have a hint of cynicism when I ask them, but I look at the big picture and where they are at in their lives. I try and be as objective as possible when discussing but I typically don’t buy in those couples being truly fulfilled in their lives. I understand how tempting happily ever after is, I even gave it a full blog . But that is where it ends, at temptation.
Why, when our society is advancing so far in the technological realm can we not also wish for the moon when it comes to our lives? Can we get to a point where we can actually have everything and not just fill voids with conciliatory prizes? There are a few studies out there about adults and seniors going back to school. That their health and visual appearances can improve dramatically. As well the constant education promotes us to keep challenging our ideas and views http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/03/education/edlife/03adult-t.html. As we age the complexity and level of understanding increases. This being said, do any of you know a couple that has gone through a life changing crisis, or midlife crisis, and come back together to be a stronger and healthier couple? I am lucky to know a few. Even if there were indiscretions, which is usually the case, two adults can come together and see the big picture.
So here is the point of my tangent, what if we could have a relationship with a loving supportive partner, still have the much needed joy of that first touch on the side, and avoid the possible divorce or midlife crisis in the middle? Why go through all the pain and torment when it is so much more pleasurable to live trying to attain every aspect that makes us happy?
Coming back to reality, I do get upset from time to time when I think of my partner investing time in someone else. It’s not the mentality I was raised with and this new way of thinking does have it’s ups and downs. But when I am able to see the really big picture, I know what many of my family friends have gone through in there 40’s and 50’s with this very basic human desire for the new touch. The couples that have made it through that rough patch on the surface seem stronger for all the years of pain they went through and maybe they really are. Personally I don’t want the years of pain, I want to live life to the fullest now. I want the most of my relationship in a lasting way, not in a settled way. And I am a woman who loves that new touch from time to time. I am proud that I am aware of this fact and that I can build a relationship on trust and love at the same time.