Category: Self Help

Breaking Away from Monogamy Check-In

    K Ghislaine
Check-In

I have a bunch of blog posts, articles, pictures, and projects on the verge of being shared, but before I do that, I want to ask one thing: How are you doing?

For me, it has been 6 weeks of my partner and I against the world.  We alternate going grocery shopping every 10 days or so, and go out to pick up a new keg of beer every two weeks.  The sunshine has been shining for the last 2 days which as certainly helped, but let me be completely honest, I now have days in a row where I do nothing.  I love my projects, and my writing grounds me, but for one reason or another, I just do nothing!  Many days I feel just like I am in a state of limbo.  That’s me, now, how are you doing? Feel free to answer in the comments, social media, or even share a post you have written about your current state of mind.

Check-In’s are important.  At the end of this isolation, having a strong network of support will make shifting out easier.  We had no say as to when the distancing would begin, and that can be incredibly challenging for many of us.  Being told what to do is not an easy thing.  We are adults after all, with autonomy, and yet, here we all sit choosing the collective good of society, rather than our own selfish needs. And that needs to be acknowledged and celebrated.  I thank each and everyone of you who are doing your part to distance, and minimize contact with your fellow humans.  Again though, this is not easy, so, how are you doing?

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If you are not Ok, please comment.  Reach out!  Let us all help each other get through this. Alternatively, if there is something that you are doing that is working really well, could you please share?  Maybe something as simple as smiling at yourself in the mirror, or taking 5 minutes to stretch your whole body helps.  Wherever you are with this check in, let us work together by helping, or sharing.  The whole social media community has a real opportunity to prove its real value in our society.  So, let us pause, reflect, and use the tools we have on hand.

Today, I am doing OK.  How are you?

Depression, Isolation, and Social Shaming

    K Ghislaine

Bullying in the Wake of COVID-19

Depression and Isolation

We are supposed to be living in a time where we are trying to end the stigma around mental health issues and yet, everywhere I look, there is something tragic going on, social shaming. As of right now, there is a rallying cry for people to stay home, isolate, and immediately end the spread of COVID-19.  We are at the critical containment phase, based on our best scientific information.  The current directive is to self quarantine for 14 days if you have any symptoms, and to seek medical assistance if your health gets worse.  But with that directive, something else is bubbling up.  People on social media are starting to panic, get incredibly passionate, and emotional about the current events.  And sadly, this is leading to actual bullying and social shaming of all of those who are socializing in public spaces.  And for me, it is difficult to watch.  Why? Because I have a very close connection to depression, and part of what keeps this at bay is socialization. 

Hanging out with friends, going out into the sunshine, and interacting with strangers is all part of my house holds mental health regime.  Whenever we are feeling low, the boost that comes from getting out of the house is enormous.  In fact, it is necessary for both of us to ensue that we keep a clean bill of health.  And yes, I know what you are going to say, that we are selfish.  That the only way to stop the spread of this virus is to just stay home.  That it is only for 14 days. But at what cost is this to individuals around the world who are social extroverts and need human interaction?

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I recognize this is a complicated matter.  And no, I am not saying I have all the answers, or even that my opinion is valid in the grand scheme of containment.  But, I am very much attached to the humans in my household.  And I fully believe that small bars, breweries, and pubs are doing everything they can to sanitize their facilities and try to keep their patrons safe.  And this is why, I will, for the time being continue to support their businesses.  And no, I am not doing this to be selfish, or with a blind eye to the pandemic we are facing. 

I am doing this because my mental health matters too.  We cannot just pick and choose which parts of ourselves we are willing to protect or keep safe.  We need to understand that we are whole human beings, and with an increase of depression, or increased stress levels, the science does back up the fact that we become more susceptible to disease and infections.  Perhaps not with corona virus, and I doubt there will be any time in the rampant spread to conduct studies about this, and nor am I asking any doctor to spend any time investigating this. It is far more important to try and find a cure, vaccine, and to treat all the individuals currently facing this incredibly fast moving infection. 

COVID-19 is spreading.  And it is spreading at an alarming rate.  But please, understand that there is new information coming out hourly about it.  So please, stop bullying or social shaming those who absolutely have to get out of the house.  Let those who require socialization to remain calm in the wake of this panic do what they need to do.  Isolation is hard on all of us, but, it can be life or death for those with depression.  Do not waste a minute more shaming or judging others.  Instead, concern your efforts on protecting yourself and your family.  And for goodness sake, wash your hands, and stop hoarding toilet paper!

Edit: After writing this post, and really listening to the information out there, and all you kind readers who took the time to say I was right out on left field… thank you. Sometimes I blog to work through something, vent my frustrations, or just simply voice an opinion that I may change with more information. And with that additional research and information I was able able to write a positive resource on Non-monogamy in Isolation that I hope helps us all!

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Breaking Away: Embracing My Fluid Relationship

    K Ghislaine
Piloting my own life

I am standing on the verge of something that feels completely out of my control, and yet, I know I am responsible for putting everything that is about to happen in motion.  I worked so hard to throw every single ball I could into the air and get things started for me in my personal and career world, I didn’t stop to consider what may happen if I caught more than one of those balls.  Or worse, if I caught none of them.  So to put it more plainly, I am Breaking Away from the comfort I knew, and forging my own way!

I have always believed that the universe starts aligning when you are on the right track.  That you run into more people that you have connections with, that serendipity starts to strike with increased frequency, and just generally, better things start to happen.  I feel that right now.  The balance is being restored because I am taking control of my future.  The problem inherent in this, is I might have taken a little too much control of that future.  So much so, that I am not entirely sure, which of my decisions has begun the domino effect of this shift.  Which is both exciting, and scary.

2018 was a very bleak year for me financially, and personally.  2019 did not start any better.  But here, I find myself seeing some return on the work I have put into not only myself, but my relationship, and recreating a social network of incredible human beings.  I feel a growing confidence to be my authentic self.  To put myself out there in a way, I never have before, by that I mean in the real world, and not just on paper.  The nagging fear that I will end up alone, and with nothing is still there.  But that voice is getting a little softer with each passing day. 

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It feels like I am getting my strength back.  That I am less consumed by the what ifs, and more cognizant of the reality that I will survive whatever I am to face.  Well, of course with the exception of being hit by a bus.  I built up a brand, and am starting a career out of nothing but my experiences.  That is real, and it grows more tangible by the day.  While there is so much uncertainty in my current relationship, I am for the first time in months feeling hopeful.  Not in certainty that we will be together forever as I felt before, but rather, that we will both be where we need to be this time next year.  If you love something, set it free.  While many who know me on a personal level may guess at who this refers to, you will be surprised to find out, it’s actually about me.  I am setting myself free to pursue what and who I want on my terms.  I may come home empty handed, but I won’t regret this time of self learning, discovery, and finding a way to pursue some pretty intense dreams of my own. 

I share this in my Breaking away from monogamy blog because I have an amazing support network through you my readers and all those that I love.  I have given a lot of thought to term that I feel is starting to fit my life, and that is having a fluid relationship.  While I don’t like labels per se, I am finding comfort in a term that can grow and evolve with me, my lifestyle, and my relationships.  As I am about to turn 36, I am eager to start exploring a more fluid dynamic in my life.  Breaking away from the regret of not jumping through the right hoops.  And instead cherishing what I have accomplished, while not lamenting what I have lost or was just unable to achieve.  I like many, hate admitting failure.  And these past few years, I have had to come to terms with a lot of my own failures and shortcomings.  But here is to new beginnings, a more realistic outlook for the future, and the certainty that I am putting out my best self for all the sexy new adventures life will be throwing my way!

Did you know it is my birthday this month?  My wish list is simple and short… Beer! Ok, it is actually for a new microphone so I can start up my sex positive podcast again.  If you would like to help, please head on over to my Patreon page.  You can subscribe for a day, week, or even a month at whatever tier you choose (all the rewards are listed on my page)! 

Relationship and Self Help Books

    K Ghislaine
Save your relationships with these easy steps, divorce with dignity, should you stay or should you go, these are a few of the more common book themes aimed at assisting with relationships and sex problems facing our society today.  Make no mistake, it is a million dollar industry, and one that each and every one of us have subscribed to at some point in our dating life.  At what point though, do we stop and think about what we are subscribing to?  That perhaps there is a bigger issue at hand, one that a relationship rescue mission will not be able to save.  Why are we working against our human nature by looking for these quick fixes, and these bandaid type solutions?  Are any of us actually seeking the reason for our relationship issues?
In the same breath, why are we losing the ability to communicate with our fellow man at such an alarming rate?  Why have we become such pussies, afraid to say what we mean, and mean what we say.  Sarcasm is often an excuse to soften a real opinion.  Or the worse scenario, where we don’t talk and instead just ignore a person completely to avoid any unwanted conflict.  A friend of mine has just gone through a situation whereby the guy stopped talking to her out of the blue.  There was no breakup text, no phone call, no email, just one day radio silence.  We both figured this was an isolated incident and chalked it up to the guy just being emotionally immature.  That was until it happened again with a new guy a few months later, things going great and then just like that, nothing.  And I have heard complaints of the same variety from guys in regards to women they are pursuing.  The lady seems happy, then just one day, stops returning texts or phone calls.  A very clear pattern is starting to form.  A pattern of emotionally fearful humans. 
Maybe it is because the current generation has never been on the receiving end of a slammed phone.  Has never experienced that shock at holding a dead phone in your hand, after that unmistakable angry click.  This new generation has never felt that sinking feeling in your tummy, then learned how to react without vengeance, followed by the realization that your world did not just end.  Or that sensation of having a door slammed in your face when you were a jerk to someone else, a well deserved punishment, we are too afraid to do to another human, lest they get offended.  We have lost that ability to interact face to face.  Instead we opt to text the person our feelings, even in the same room to lessen the emotional burden.  To ease embarrassment, and try and take the squeamish feeling away.  It is a scary thought, the notion that we are afraid of our own emotions and terrified of reactions from those around us.  We misinterpret emotions in text messages a hundred times a day.  Then we follow this up with a failure to respond ever again, no closure, just taking the easy way out. We end the artificial texting relationship without so much as a frowny face. 

So keep buying those relationship self help books.  They are written for a very good reason, we as a society need assistance in dealing with the world around us.  But please first, put down the phone, stop typing that well thought out e-mail, and stop tweeting that so and so is the biggest douche on the planet.  Have some real face time, learn again to read body language, watch facial cues, or maybe just hug it out.  Once you have mastered this basic element of human interaction, you might be better equipped to move on to a relationship with more that one human being at a time… just maybe.

The F&%* Buddy

    K Ghislaine

Firstly I am very excited that this in my first post as a result of a request, which you can e-mail me for.  Some subjects come very naturally to me, but this one is trial and error, (not just my own trials either, I am a great listener and observer).  Firstly, you must not develop feelings other than friendship for the partner.  Secondly, be as open about the situation as possible, lay ground rules for the arrangement and be clear about the intentions.  Thirdly, long term doesn’t work! Keep it short, with a time line for ending things in mind, whether this is accomplished by having a few partners on rotation or making it just a 3 week fling.

If you break rule number one, make a clean break as quickly as possible as there is no going back.  One man fell hard for me after only a few times together, and proposed that we start a family based on feelings of lust.  I severed things immediately afterwards but it took a very long time to even get a friendship back.  On the other hand, I have done the falling and first hand I can tell you that it is necessary to back right off and ensure those feelings do not ever come through.  In both my experiences the communication was not clear, and there was no end date, so there was fancy footwork and fast talking needed to ensure that the friendships remained in tact. 

We are all adults and there is no reason I see that sex cannot be a natural expression of being human.  But please show sympathy if the partner shows any feelings outside of your shared moments of lust.  Either try and communicate clearly point number two about the ground rules and your current needs, or you will have to end things very quickly and swiftly.  Dragging out anything is cruel and there will be no way to ever run into the person again, or worse, a nice little stalker might be the result.

The only exception to following the 3 rules above is if with open communication and both parties on board, you try and make an actual go at a relationship.  If not keep it simple, and know that however hard, it will end.  How it ends, is all up to both partners and keeping open about the situation only.  Please never lead a person on to hope that this can continue long term when it can’t.

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