If you search for blogs discussing sex myths, you are going to find a tonne of them. Some that you may laugh, cringe, cry, or even, dare I say, learn something from? In this post I would like to focus on a few that personally had an effect on my sex life. And why, I always try and push for better sexual education and open and honest, consent first, discussions when it comes to sex. Some myths cause far more harm than others but the fact remains all of these sex myths impacted my path to being sex positive.
Myth 1: You can tell a woman is ready by how wet she is
A woman shows she’s ready for sex by being wet enough for immediate penetration. While physiologically, yes, this may happen, there were numerous times in my world of monogamy where I wanted a quickie and was not quite wet. The man I was sleeping with would grow concerned that I just didn’t want it, based on my level of self lubrication. And would either be turned off, or try and get me wet (so I guess that’s a plus?). The thing was, he believed my bodies response, over my words as a direct result of this myth. Obviously this made a huge impact on my views of my body, and I would try and pre-game so to speak to ensure I was always wet enough for sex. All I can say to this, is I now have a container of lube on every level of my house, and is always a part of my sex purse. Why? Because lube (affiliate link to my favorite lube) is awesome and this myth is crazy.
Myth 2: Anal sex makes you cool
In this one, I am going to lump a whole bunch of anal
misconceptions that I have into one paragraph with the disclaimer that I was
very ill informed about anal sex right from the get go, and basically had zero
business doing it, or talking about it. I
could blame my catholic school girl sex education, porn, or the internet in
general for the misinformation, but I think it is better to just dispel this myth
altogether and all the variations that go along with it.
Once you warm up the first time, you shouldn’t
have to spend as much time warming up the next.
The type or quality of the lube does not matter,
it’s all about the volume of it.
Having sex in the butt is the ultimate way to
show your man that you love him.
You are super bad ass and sexy as fuck if you do
it in the butt. That’s what bad girls
do, and the taboo makes you hella cool.
A quick summary on this one, yes, I at one time or another
was exposed and believed these myths to be true. As a result, I am still anal sex conflicted
and did spend a significant amount of time healing from a very bad experience.
Myth 3: A woman can only orgasm from one body part
Now this one, is a bit of a gray area for me. I remember watching the Friends episode that
discussed all the different erogenous zones, and while TV shouldn’t be the way
people form their base sexual education, the reality is that it happens all the
time. So, I was fully aware that women
could get sexual pleasure from more than one place. With that being said, the episode did focus
on the big finale, so I for a long time equated all my erogenous zones with being
part of the fourplay. It wasn’t until
much later in life that I embraced the fact that I can have a pretty amazing
orgasm just from having my breasts sucked in a certain way and that it doesn’t
always have to peak with PIV (penis in vagina) sex. The reason I include this one in my list of
myths that affected me, is due to the fact that I have had more conversations
than I can count with men absolutely mystified by this little tidbit. No, I am not some magical, sexual anomaly. In
fact, I think if more people understood that sex and orgasms are much for fluid
in nature for woman, sex in general would improve for many.
So in an effort to keep this short and sweet, I am going to leave this list at 3. Please feel free to share your own myths, and how they affected you, via this blog, on my Patreon, or on Twitter.
Aka: Want to Start a Sex Blog? A Few Tips/Tricks and Mistakes I Have Made Blogging about Breaking Away From Monogamy
I started blogging in the summer of 2011 because I had a personal mission to work through a major problem I was facing in my life, and in my overconfident brain I figured a few people would be curious about the subject matter: non-monogamy. When I wrote my first post, as I’m sure a few of you have, it was from a place of heartbreak. I was motivated by a single thought, which was simply to write my story. As a result, I did zero research into making a blog readable, successful, profitable, or even clickable or shareable. I basically went in blind, thinking my clear mission statement would be enough for everything else to fall into place, whatever that ended up being. It turns out, it wasn’t. So let me share with you a few practical tips that I have learned over the years, often as a result of going in the completely wrong direction, and wherever I can, I will post practical links that will actually help you, especially if you want to talk about things that are taboo (affiliate links will be a part of this post, and do help me earn a small commission to cover my hosting fees, but I will get more into that shortly).
First things first, the reason this post is a little different to many “how do I write a blog post” is that I am gearing this towards taboo subject matter and the specific hurdles when you write about the word sex. So let’s get started with the first lesson I learned: Anonymity
Picking Your Name or Title
When I first got started, I used an alias, as so many out there choose to do. The thing was, I picked an alias that is in a language foreign to many of my readers. I chose, @k-ghislaine (which you can easily click to follow me on Twitter), and while it is meaningful to me, it is completely unsearchable, pronounceable, and instantly I created a situation where I would have to self-promote everything I put out. Now this was a choice I made consciously, and thought it would protect my work/life/relationship status. However, with that being the focus, what did I immediately do? Oh that’s right, I mass e-mailed the link to everyone in my address book, and posted the blog link on Facebook, under my own personal account. The take away? Choose your target, and decide how you are going to use your blog, podcast, or whatever medium that shares your unique message. And think beyond the heartache towards the scale-ability factor because you never know where something like this may take you. And this holds true for your blogs name, domain, and basically every social media handle you choose, so choose wisely.
Sex Positive Monetization
I have zero doubt that this is the main reason that you are reading this post. And the thing about this is, I am in no way pro yet. I make enough to cover all my fees incurred, and occasionally a little more. My blog, has always be like a journal for me, where if it makes a little that’s a bonus, but if not, that’s totally OK too, I will still blog. That being said, I know how daunting it can be to start researching ways to actually monetize your content, especially if you have nudity, talk about anything taboo, or dare I say, use the word sex in any way shape or form. When you get started, you are faced with a zillion and one hurdles, especially once you start reading the fine print on all the monetization sites available or affiliate programs that mainstream content creators have access to. Please don’t let that get you down, you still have options, it just might take a little more work.
One of the first paths I took that actually generated a little financial interest in my blog was doing a sex toy review. And not just any toy, a couple’s toy! Honestly, it was a lot of fun. I loved the anticipation of waiting for the new toy, testing it out, and ultimately writing the post. I totally understand the appeal of it, and would happily do one again in the future. But I would caution you about one thing, things are changing with toy reviews. You are very limited as to the pictures you take, where you can share them on social media, and the biggest reason I don’t do many is the competition aspect. There are so many incredible toy reviewers out there and honestly, I don’t feel like I offer anything unique to that discussion. In summary, product reviews are amazing, just make sure you offer something new, exciting, or unique to your audience or you will not retain them.
The second path I took, and take, is writing sponsored posts, or paid blogs for other sites. This is my clear favorite, as I love the exposure and the community building this brings. Ultimately, my goals are different than many out there, but if you really hustle to create incredible content, this works really well. There are some incredible resources out there when it comes to pitching, and if you would like me to share some insight on my techniques feel free to comment or reach out to me via whichever social media you found me on!
And finally the third, which is affiliate links (Such as this one for lube, sex toys, and condoms!) . Now these can be tricky to find for those who talk about sex in any depth beyond what I do. The reason I notice that is I have always walked a fine line between education and sharing sexy adventures. And that is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to banners or links that will actually pay me out. If you write sexualized content, you can find affiliate links on toy sites, P&%N pages, and with other promoters of the more XXX content. If you simply try to educate, you can find safe sex banners, STD testing sites, and that sort of thing. The key here, is to think outside of the box. What does your site say, and what products would you be happy to buy yourself and then promote? So, reach out to known sex positive industries, or sign up to affiliate sites specifically catered to sex and industry. There are a few out there, you just have to be a little savvy when searching them. And please, for the love of all that is holy, research the company first. It’s not worth making big bucks if your spreading hate, misinformation, or something that goes against your messages key values. That makes you a sellout and you will NOT retain traffic. If you go on my home page you will see a few banners from companies I love working with, but again, those may not work for the type of content you are creating. So be reasonable. It is not enough to just put up a banner and then watch the money roll in. Monetization takes special work, especially with the word Sex.
Writing content that people give a damn about is tough, even when your subject matter is titillating. And the major factor for this is people en masse are scared of sex. Individuals are typically rational, but group people in a room, and restrictions come at you from every angle. As a result, you will run into many issues when trying to spread your content. There are quite a few sites who won’t even take your money, or allow you to collect your hard earned dollars as a direct result of your subject matter. My biggest word of wisdom here is to read the fine print. Sure a site like Amazon may allow you sign up to be an affiliate, but if there is nudity anywhere, you are going to have a difficult time collecting your earnings. And that goes for all social media that you use. Understanding the restrictions is key to maximizing your influence (And no, I don’t mean be an influencer, but know your content may have an impact on someone so be mindful).
What has made me the most successful in getting noticed you may ask? The answer, is not caring what other people think and posting content that makes me feel like a whole human being. On each of my social media accounts I find meaning in actually connecting with people and not using it as just a platform to spam people with my words. There are quite a few studies right now to measure peoples happiness levels in conjunction to their social media usage and guys, I must say, there is a lot of truth to this. Whenever I portray myself as an object, or just a brand, I become miserable and need more and more frequent social media breaks. Whereas, when I am actively engaged, learning, reading others stuff, and building community I absolutely love it! So the takeaway, be mindful when you’re trying to get your work noticed. Don’t let the goal of becoming internet famous supersede your mental health. Better to have a few amazing fans, than a multitude of trolls.
Once you do find your stride, and have people who care enough to share, engage, or follow you, I highly recommend setting up a Patreon page. Without question, this has been the most rewarding experience for me. I cry (happy tears) with every new subscriber, even the ones who only pledge for a few hours. It’s incredible know that there are people out there who love your work enough to pledge a little bit of money to it. And with Patreon, you can make it your own and choose rewards that actually matter to your fans. I love the freedom of it all, and for me, I use it mostly to show off all the behind the scenes stuff I can’t put on my blog. But don’t let that sway you. Make your content anyway you choose!
When I first started blogging (My blogging reason), I used a free site with Blogspot. It was Google based and included SEO and rankings. It was a glorious. Then, tragedy struck. I gained a little bit of popularity and got flagged for my content. I had flown under the radar for years, even using adsense, but I think those days are pretty much over. With all the new restrictions and fears over sex, I quickly had to go self hosted, build a new site to maintain my own freedom of expression. It seemed like overnight I had to basically learn everything about building a site, hosting it, and my latest endeavor… SEO.
Honestly, for me, this is my current pet project. I spend a few minutes every day learning new tips/tricks to increase my organic views. And holy crap, the most interesting thing I have learned, is just how incredibly bad my blogspot site was! And how, in the blogging world, I have pretty much done everything wrong. Why do I share that? Because it is OK. I am learning from this, and I am so proud to have loyal readers who enjoyed my content even though the presentation was absolute garbage. So don’t feel bad, ever! If the content is something you take pride of, everything else will follow.
If you enjoyed this post, by all means, reach out! And if you have questions, want to start your own blog, or shift over to a self hosted site, I have written 3 sites which are live and am working on my fourth. If you need a graphic designer, I am currently working with one who is incredible and the perfect match for this sex positive blogger and her vision. Again, reach out. I would love to share my knowledge and help you succeed where I have failed, or in rare instances succeeded.
There is always more to learn, and I hope in a few years, I can write one of these with all the new lessons I have learned, because knowledge is power, and should always be shared!
No matter how loud we shout, the dick pictures still get sent.
I don’t think there is a female blogger (or writer in general with social media) out there regardless of her subject matter, who has not written something about hating dick pictures. We, collectively, have tried raging, raving, shaming, blocking, reporting, and basically pleading to anyone who will give us an ear to please, end the appearance of dicks in our inboxes, e-mails, DM’s, PM’s etc. The bottom line is we are sick and tired of them. I wrote a post called Dear Random Penis in my first few years of blogging and it remained my highest views post for years. I personally had tried all of the about to make the pictures stop, but sadly there was just nothing I could do. And for a while I was left with this feeling that I must be bringing it upon myself because of the subject matter of my blog and the pictures I shared. And let me just say, that I am disgusted and horrified, that I have ever felt that way.
I was so angry in fact, and so sick and tired of the constant barrage of non-consent based nudity that I actually change my own tactics. I stopped posting naked or riske pictures of myself on my blog, choosing instead to move them over to a subscription based site here. And I cannot even tell you how much it pained me to do that. I love freedom of expression, but I was just sick and tired of constantly being angry, outraged, horrified, or just disgusted by the sight of a strangers penis.
And what’s worse, I started to hate seeing dicks of my own choosing, and even switched up my porn viewing a little bit. I was over saturated and resentful. Since shifting the photo’s on my blog, I have actually noticed a huge reduction of dick pictures. Which makes me worry that I may have been right. Were men really thinking that the whole you showed me yours, so I’m going to show you mine mentality was acceptable?
And what’s equally troubling, is that every time I see a person complain about a random nude picture in their DM’s, the comment sections ramp up with men acting horrified, and publicly shaming these poor individuals. In fact it is so rampant, that I have even seen a guy who sent me a dick pic (with whom I shamed mercilessly over private message) join the bandwagon, shouting shame and slander, even going so far as to say “men who do that are scum and should be reported, shame on him. That’s gross, and I am here if you ever need to talk”. Yes, that is in quotes for a reason and I had more than one of those to choose from.
I don’t know what it is going to take to men stop doing this abhorrent behaviour. I know what steps I have taken to minimize it, and help me go back to loving the naked male form again. But while I found a bandaid fix, this is obviously not a solution.
So guys, tell me, what will it take to make you stop? What can women do to prove that we don’t want to see your naked member unless we ask? Why do you think that a 1 in 9999999999 chance of it working is a statistical probability that you are willing to side with? When will it end? Because honestly, you are ruining freedom of expression, sex and the body positivity that the non-consenting recipient is trying to strive for.
If you liked this post and want to join in the conversation, feel free to follow me on twitter or subscribe to this blog!
False sex educators and the truth about female orgasms.
If you follow me on Twitter then you most likely have seen the interactions I have had over the last few months with a little account run by Jane. If not, here is a quick rundown. Jane likes to self promote herself as a sex educator and brags that she has over 20 years investigating everything to do with the female orgasm. She has no education in the field, instead she is financially so well off that she does this as a passion project and won’t let silly things like science get in her way. She constantly does shout-outs pleading with any women who orgasms to reach out, and talk to her about them, because according to her “women are terrified when talking about orgasms” “and only orgasm as part of the male fantasy”. When I started following her she had an impressive 208K following count, was asking lots of questions and seemed to be fairly responsive. I love reading anything to do with sex, and a women doing research on orgasms seemed like a really cool account to follow.
But then, it got a little weird. I remember reading one of her little quips
which stated that a woman cannot orgasm through her cervix because it was not a
sex stimulator and any women who claims to do so does not actually know what on
orgasm is. Hmm… Well that just doesn’t
seem right. And with a few internet
searches of actual scientific research I found that this is not factually
based. Phew, my body is not wrong according to science and I do know what an
orgasm is. So, I did my due diligence
and wrote to her about my own experience with being multi-orgasmic and a few
links to the research I had just done.
And very swiftly she removed herself as a follower of mine and I moved
on with my life… until late last year when her name popped up again.
So I went onto her feed looking for information on any recent research she had about orgasms. One of my early posts on Quality versus Quantity of my own orgasms is a piece that I always wanted to expand a on, so I will be honest, I just filtered her many posts looking primarily for orgasm research. But what I found instead was alarming. She mentioned that women only get turned on by fantasy and erotica, and that physical stimulation is not a real orgasm in women. She went onto say that vibrators were an invention of the sex industry to help women fake orgasm and what a female achieves with one is not authentic. After being horrified for a few moments, I went on a quick, then filed her under the, “must be a troll” category and tried to get on with my life.
But honestly, with that many followers and so many mutual
sex positive friends in common, I began to doubt. Why would all these people be following her
too? I mean, I will be honest, when I
first came across her account I questioned the validity of my own orgasms and
actually did some research. So, while a
troll she may be, this was bordering on dangerous. A self promoted sex educator who spouts
things that sound click baity could actually be doing harm to those looking for
help or knowledge. And that’s when I
decided to start quoting, questioning and rallying a few people to take
notice. And after a few weeks, I am very
proud to say it worked.
I was blocked from her within the week of my mission. It turns out that she doesn’t accept anyone challenging her opinions. She believes that her ability to achieve orgasm once every two weeks makes her special and a unique individual, and therefor anyone who achieves more than that is misguided, uniformed, faking it, or just plain lying.
Being as open as I am, I take great offence in being called a liar. I can achieve multiple orgasms in a single session, in a wide varieties of ways including clitoral, internally (deep and… well not always so deep), and externally on various parts of the erogenous zones on my body. I am not including this to brag, but one of her accounts key points is that women will not talk about orgasms, that we afraid, ashamed, or just don’t achieve it, so it must be a myth for the majority. And I am hear to say loudly and proudly that each of us achieves sexual satisfaction in our own ways. They should all be celebrated, and explored and repeated whenever possible. So, thank you all for being part of this amazing sex positive community, and for those who interacted with her, thank you for asking questions, and sharing your own experiences. I hear and see your words!
If you want to view my behind the scenes gallery check out my Patreon!
The logistics and mistakes of our first hotel takeover.
My partner and I have been attending swingers parties for over 6 years, and during that time we have definitely learned our share of do’s and don’ts. I would now even consider ourselves quite versed in the art of being successful. With that said, the learning curve with a hotel takeover, is as it turns out a whole different beast. I’ve decided to write this adventure in 2 parts. The first one (this post), will out line a few of the lessons we learned, some pitfalls and our recommendation to others. The second post, will share the sexy adventures we had and why we were up for nearly 24 hours ringing in the new year. I hope you will find both posts interesting, and of course there will be some photo’s going up on my Patreon! So let’s get started!
Every year, my partner and I look for a way to spend New Years Eve with a bunch of sex positive people when we are in California. After last years disappointment with a clientele change at a very popular club we were on the look out to mix things up. After a few google searches, I reached out to a couple that we had played with a few years ago in the area and asked for recommendations. Among the list she sent back was a hotel takeover just an hour or so away from where we were staying. She said the parties were younger, fun and usually a really great time. Lesson one, always get a recommendation whenever possible. Lifestyle events are expensive and this helps alleviate a bit of stress wondering if the investment will be worth it or not.
I signed up to the website and started exploring the party and itinerary, as I tend to be much more comfortable with a solid plan. This takeover, as with almost every one I have seen was to take place over 2 nights, with an optional meet and greet on the 29th at a nearby tavern. Each party throughout the takeover was themed (as they almost always are) and required a costume of some sort. As we were already packed and in California, this was the first hurdle in my mind. We have a tickle trunk each of amazing costumes at home. It seemed almost a shame to have to last minute purchase a whole new 4 event wardrobe for something we were not even sure we would enjoy. So we made a decision to only attend the final event, the New Years Eve party, with optional after party. This was, in my mind, a huge mistake. I had not realized just how integral the meet and greets, or mingler parties are to finding like minded people to ring in the New Year with. These takeovers are designed to provide lots of opportunity to engage with other people, while having hotel rooms, right on premise to have the on-off party fun whenever you choose. Lesson two, always attend the meet and greet or mingle parties. They are integral to finding other couples, prior to the huge, and very loud party!
As we were only going for the one night, we were unable to book a hotel room at the hotel takeover venue (two night minimum group booking rates were in effect). This was perfectly fine, as we found a hotel within walking distance. So we got ourselves all dolled up, had a few drinks in our room and took an uber over to the venue for about 9:30 pm (which is the time we usually arrive at swing parties). Upon arrival we were shocked to discover 2 things. Firstly, that the venue was pretty much empty. And second, the reason for this was most likely the astronomical price of $15 USD per drink (And this was the starting point for bar stock brands, it was an extra 4 bucks for a booze brand I had even heard of). Swing parties are normally BYOB due to the legislation nightmare of getting a liquor permit in conjunction with allowing sex and nudity on premises. But, the invite said no outside food or drink in ballroom, so I mistakenly assumed that booze would be sold for reasonable rates. That was a huge eye opener. So we went back to our hotel 3 minutes away and drank some amazing cucumber mint vodka and filled a flask for when we returned. After talking to a few people later in the night, it turns out that raising the price of drink is standard practice in hotel takeovers. So lesson three, must be, always bring flasks or drink in your room, because no one should have to pay those rates to have a happy little new years eve buzz!
In part II, I will go into the sexy part of our evening, but I want to say a few words in part I about safe sex. Condoms are absolutely essential to our playtime with others, but something that was brought to light during our takeover experience was the importance of having a safe word. Sometimes play gets too intense, and sometimes people push boundaries, that you wish they wouldn’t. These are two examples of having established safe words between partners. When that word is uttered everything pauses. A couple especially can asses the safety or comfort of each other and regroup or take action if necessary. While I hope you never have to use your safe word, and everything goes smoothly, knowing that you have it can make all the difference. Lesson four, stay safe (condoms), and always have a safe word!
The last point/lessons I will make about hotel takeovers are actually ubiquitous for all lifestyle parties that I have attended. These events have a funny way of going until the wee hours of the morning, so stay hydrated (both lube and water), have a game plan for food afterwards, and remember that 5 hour energy is your friend (or whatever energy source you choose). With this is mind, I hope you can learn from our first hotel takeover mistakes, and challenges to have an epic sexual adventure of your own.
And please stay tuned for part II where I share the sexy side of our first hotel takeover by following me on twitter or subscribe to my blog to get notifications!