Just Be Nice!

Just be nice!

If you read my post about the nice guy, you will get a glimpse into why I run very far away from any guy who claims to be one of the nice ones.  So if guys who claim to be nice, really aren’t, why is it that I constantly see people give the advice that it is better to just be nice?  The honest truth is the day I broke away from striving to just being a nice person, my life started to improve.  Why?  Because nice is boring.  Nice, is plain, and is just not an authentic state of being.  Nice, is façade.

By not being nice, I have maintained my position of having clear, calm, and level headed responses in my day to day life.  I am not striving to just placate the masses, instead I am living my authentic self.  Kill the world with kindness we shout from the rafters… Well no!  I don’t want to kill anyone.  I don’t want to live striving to rise up to an impossible ideal.  Who do you know in history who is remembered for just being nice?  And no, that statement is not made because I am trying to become famous.  We shouldn’t live trying to all make a mark on the world, but it should give you pause, what are we hoping to achieve as a society by being nice?

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I don’t want anything to do with a nice guy, and in turn, I don’t want to just be a nice person myself.  I am comfortable being assertive, driven, and someone with goals and aspirations.  I know, I will not crush anyone to get what I want, but I also won’t sacrifice my desires just to please someone else.  I, have had many relationships whereby I tried to just please the other person, especially work relationships.  Always trying to be the do-gooder, striving to get ahead by always being the person that could be counted on, sacrificing my own time, mental health, and energy for someone eles’ dream or business.  You know where that left me?  Drained, isolated, and oddly guilty. 

Saying no, should not affect how people perceive you.  It should not make you bitch, or an asshole.  And yet, we constantly tell people that they should be nice.  Just play along, don’t make a fuss, or go with the flow.  Well, quite frankly that is bullshit.  And in non-monogamy, some of my worst moments are from me just being nice and letting things happen. 

So, after ranting for a few paragraphs, let me get to the crux of this.  I am supremely nervous, talking to women, and showing my assertive nature.  I will not play nice, or pretend to be all sweet, and kind, just to get a female to talk to me.  I won’t say what they want to hear, nor will I just placate them.  With all that being said, I will be my funny, engaging, and optimistic self.  I am good natured, easy going, and I like being around me, so there is that… haha!  And yes, I will share with you all how this works out for me.  I am fairly confident though, that I will not meet anyone of quality and substance by taking the cliché advice of just being nice.  

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Struggling with Bi-Curious Curiosity

Clarity from Yoga

I really want to start talking about being bi-curious and non-monogamous a bit more, but I am struggling to do so.  Why is that?  Two-fold.  I am not prepared for the creepy backlash, and I am terrified of kissing a girl and not liking it.  What if the fantasy doesn’t meet up to the expectation?  Then what?  Am I now one of those women who became a cock tease (or the equivalent non gender specific)?  And what if I do like it? Am I suddenly expected to hook every partner up with threesomes?  Is my intimacy now on public display?  It is overwhelming all the cons, and basically, it is because of how men have conditioned me.  And I take full responsibility for that, I am an adult after all.  But any sort of female exploration has always come with “can I watch?”  “Can you bring her home” “this can be our treat” or any other exploitative things I have heard over my many sexual years.  Why the fuck would my exploration have to include anyone else?  And further, why do men constantly ask the most invasive questions?  Do they not know how it makes us feel, how it makes me feel?  How it destroys us, little by little?

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No, they don’t.  Because we don’t tell them.  And if by the off chance we have had enough, and do, then we are bitches and worse.  Men and women struggle to communicate because men push too hard, and women fold too often.  But I digress, with all the cons, there is a real struggle, in that, I don’t know if I am ready to go on a date with a woman.  What can I offer her?  My confusion?  My trepidation?  My insecurities?  I know first hand that that is not attractive!  And it does not lend well to small talk, necessary to going out on that first date.  Women are bolder online than they are in person (huge generalization but based on personal experience).  A female will ask straight up, what are your intentions online.  And I balk at my answer, of, I don’t have a clue.  I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, but I also want to get out there and see.

Will writing this post get me out there?  I have no clue.  Has it helped me solidify what I want?  Not even close.  This was simply putting out into the universe that I am currently confused.  I am searching for something, but don’t quite know what that is.  I love the idea of dating couples with my partner, but the reality is that is lacking right now.  So, do I venture out there, alone?  I ponder this, as I slowly sip my beer and write more erotica than ever before…

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Being Sexual and Laughing It Off

Being Sexual

Recently, I rejected a guy on POF by stating that we were only looking for couples right now.  If you have heard me say this before, it is my standard rejection, and I state looking for couples right on my profile.  As sometimes happens, he got very upset with being told no, and responded with the length of his penis, followed by a picture of it.  True to form, I reported him, blocked him, and then went on to Twitter to vent my frustration and ask the age old question: Why do men still do this

While I received the usual support, I also received a shocking response.  While I am usually pretty level headed about the garbage I get being sex positive online this one got under my skin and rattled me.  A guy responded with “I can honestly not understand how you can be so humourless, yet pretend to be so sexual. And yes, block away”.  Wait a tick, my sexuality is being called into question because I was angry at receiving a non consent based nude image, also known as sexual harassment?   Did you know that in Texas, and possibly soon to come into law in NYC that sending an unsolicited dick picture on an online dating site is actually now illegal

This isn’t me just being a prude here.  This is such a rampant problem, that people are beyond sick and tired of it, and we are taking legal action by demanding laws to protect us.  I don’t think it’s funny to laugh about an unsolicited dick in my inbox.  This is harassment.  It’s not funny.  Unless the thought process is that men want us to start laughing at their penis’ I just do not follow the logic.  How many more posts, podcasts, blocks, and laws do we need to pass to make it clear that this is not funny.

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I recall my mom being exposed to on a c-train about 20 years ago.  The crazy thing about the whole situation is how many people were around her, and did nothing.  They pretended not to see it.  When the cops arrived, there was only one man who came forward as a witness out of nearly 10 people who should have seen something.  My mom pleaded with the woman who was sitting beside her to come forward, but she refused.  Should we as a society just laugh that off?  Should we just laugh it off when someone is rejected by a complete stranger and they lose their shit and send what may or may not be their fully erect penis?  Is complacency the target here? Or worse, making it a joke? 

And now let’s deal with the fact that this random guy on twitter, took the time to comment on my own sexual nature because I didn’t laugh.  I felt publicly shamed.  My sexuality was openly called into question.  How is that OK?  Why did this guy (twitter) who claims he has never sent a dick pic himself still rationalizing that I am somehow in the wrong for standing up for what I believe in.  I think sending a dick picture should be a criminal act just as exposing yourself in public to a stranger.  I do not think that this stance should be a reflection of my sexuality, or my sex positive stance.  That is an asinine correlation and positively disgusts me.  That`s as dumb as saying I asked for it, because I rejected the guy on the online dating site.  NO!  My sex positive nature will not be on trial here.  No, my sensual boasts hold firm.  I have a right to consent to what level of nudity I see in an online world.  That does NOT diminish my sensual nature.  In fact, I think it increases it, because I know what I want, need, and what turns me on!

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Reader Feedback: Sex Positive, Breaking Away, Fantasies, and More

Reader Feedback Time: Sex Positive

Over the past few weeks, I have been branching out my writing, podcasting, and now I need a little bit of help.  Some of you have been reading since the very beginning of this blog, while some of you are very new, or just occasional readers.  So, no matter how you happen upon this little post, your feedback, and input are equally important.

Breaking Away From Monogamy

Firstly, this blog has and will remain about my random thoughts on everything to do with relationships, non-monogamy, and all subject matters that relate to sex positivity.  But further to that, I have developed a sex positive podcast, currently called BreakingAway.  In this, my aim to is talk about all subject matter related to being sex positive, sex education, and exploring other people’s relationships and why they are a part of this incredible sex positive community.  So, in the comments section, are there any topics that you would like me to explore?  What burning questions do you have that you would love to hear me talk about? 

Fantasy Writing

Second up, if you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed that I have begun to write a few erotic fantasies.  So, dear readers, where would the best fit be for me to post these?  A few suggestions would be a teaser called blog after dark, whereby I write the first part, and then the second for any Patreon fans who want to read more.  Or another suggestion would be for me to add an audio component to my Patreon and actually read a few of these for anyone who wants to read them.  I have a few reasons for not wanting this erotic writing to just be free on my blog, is the subject matter.  If my website gets flagged for erotica or porn, then I will have major hurdles to deal with when it comes to the branding of it.  There are so many new rules right now for the word porn, sex, etc. and really, I just don’t want to have to censor myself.  And making these posts public, would mean I have to.   So what are your thoughts?  How would you want to consume my non-monogamous fantasy shorts?  Please write in the comments.

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Non-Monogamous Relationship Coaching

Third, is my dating and relationship coaching website.  I have been toying with the idea of shutting this down altogether and bringing a few tabs over onto my main blog page breakingawayfrommonogamy.  While this would save me a bit of money, ultimately, the majority of you have asked me to keep it separate.  So, if you are looking for book reviews, recommendations, non-monogamous dating or relationships coaching I do have a separate website that you can reach me at breakingawayfromrelationshipnorms.com.  I have had so many people reach out to me over the years, that it would be a shame to shut down that resource side and that is not what I want to do.  I want to be available to help, answer questions, and basically remain a resource.  So if you are curious, please feel to reach out to me there, and we can discuss the next steps.

Sex Positive Books and Blogs

Fourth and final thought.  Earlier this summer, I announced my newest website which is sex positive books and blogs.  The hope was for this to be a resource centre for people to explore media related to being sex positive.  I have reached out to a few contributors to share their books, blogs, podcasts, etc and the response has been amazing so far. For my end, it has been a matter of finding the time to ensure that I am promoting and placing your amazing contributions in an easy to use place.  This is still a go, but it will take a bit more time before I make it active.  So thank you, and please stay tuned on the Twitter news feed for my next announcement.

Contact Me or Comment Below

So, that about summarizes my questions for you.  I would love for you to comment, and share your thoughts and ideas about where you want what, and how you best enjoy consuming your sex positive content!  If you do feel uncertain about posting publicly, you may also DM or e-mail me.  The only caveat if you don’t want to make it public, is that I would ask is you please like this post on whatever social media you see it on so I can get the most feedback possible and best plan for the fall.

Cheers!

Krys

Building a Sex Positive Brand

Building a Brand, while marching to my own drum!

What You’re Not Supposed to Talk About: The Lows

On July 30th I will be celebrating 8 years of blogging and as I have written a few times, I have certainly learned a lot and grown into the Sex positive soul that I am today.  But there is one key point that we, as content creators are not allowed to talk about, and that is the low’s of building a brand.  And that is just what my writing has become.  It has evolved past my own words, and into an identity all of it’s own.  It is a blog, a website, a coaching business, a podcast, and a place that has grown far beyond what I ever could have imagined at its conception.  And the reality is that it was incredibly hard, and I have shed countless tears over it.  And yeah, here I go again tackling another taboo subject, building a brand and what you’re not supposed to talk about, it sucks and is hard.

Social Media Skews Reality

For whatever reason our society has decided that social media is a place where you can freely share all the joys, highs, and amazing points in your life.  By extension, the same is true of starting your own business or brand.  We want to build this illusion that we are successful right from the onset.  Fake it till you make it is the rally cry we here.  If you want to get funding, support, accolades, or any sort of exposure you need to be unique, successful, and solve people’s pain in a way no one else can.  And yes, these factors definitely play into building a brand and are important for growth and success.  But, this is only a very teeny tiny fraction of the truth behind any creation, company, product, or in this case a brand.  The truth is, it is 99% percent blood, sweat, and so many tears in the beginning, and very few ever find success from all that hardship, and yet, we keep up with this smoke and mirror anyways because we cannot let go of our dream, or our what if.

But you see, I am not supposed to talk about this.  By sharing with you that blogging about my first open relationship, all the trials and errors of non-monogamy, and all the hardships I have faced by publicly sharing nude photos will give you doubt about my abilities as a writer.  It will make you question why you follow me, interact with me, or share my work.  If I go out, into the world showing the entire picture, I will be showing the truth behind the magic.  And then, what am I?  Just another hack, pushing and prodding, waiting for my next big break.

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The Creators Myth

I am supposed to tell you that I blog for fun.  It’s my hobby and if I ever make it great, but if I don’t that’s fine too. I love what I do.  And I will be completely honest with you, this statement is true.  I adore what I do.  And I am the entire embodiment of this brand I have built.  It has been worth almost every second I have put into it, and it is my passion.  That my friends though, is not the entire story.  The passion is the fuel that allows me to write a little more every day, and create engaging content, or photos.  But, you cannot feed yourself on passion alone, actually you cannot feed yourself at all.  And that my dear friends, is what we are not supposed to talk about.

I have a very dear friend who has created an incredible product, and has received awards, accolades, and international exposure for his invention.  People are constantly telling him that they love what he does, he is on the cutting edge of something big, and that they will support him any way that they can.  So he tells them that he needs funding to build the next prototype.  Guess what happens when the investors hear this…?  You guessed it, crickets!  Now again, I am not supposed to share this, and he is not supposed to share this pain.  Instead, we are all supposed to keep fighting the good fighting, wishing and praying that one day our ship will come in. Hard work always pays off we tell ourselves.  And yes, someday it will.  However, when you are in the thick of things, treading water, desperately hungry, and trying to fuel yourself with dreams, it gets…. disheartening.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Are you going to see a huge Go Fund Me link at this end of the post because I have guilted you into paying for the content that I offer?  Nope, that would feel weird, coercive, and honestly challenge my whole identity and belief of free flowing information.  While there will always be an affiliate link and a Patreon offer with each post, your interaction with those offers will not change the content I love producing.  This post is more directed at the other content creators, inventors, entrepreneurs, etc.  I want you to know I hear you pain, I feel the loneliness of hearing nothing but crickets post after post, and I acknowledge you wanting to throw in the towel and say screw it this isn’t worth all the shit, and abuse we get online daily.  We aren’t supposed to talk about the pain of building a brand, so I say screw it, let’s talk about it! 

Sharing is Caring!

I want to hear your stories, so please write a post and link it in the comments, or link it to my twitter feed (with a note it’s OK to share) and I will add it to this post!   It’s OK to talk about the bad.  It’s human, and we need to feel safe to do more of it!