Accepting Our Past

Accepting our Past

I have reached a strange point in my finding new people path, in which, I need to accept that we all have pasts and perhaps even a skeleton or two.  I have been in my head for so long, fearful, that I would be judged for having a non-monogamous past, that I forgot something simple, others have lived experiences too that may be different from mine.  Writing those words down, it seems so clear, and rational.  Of course, other people have pasts, and of course there might be some adjusting I need to do to get to know them.  And this, is the key point that honestly has been holding me back, and I needed to understand, we need to accept our past.

Thank goodness for the calmness I find in yoga and stretching or I might not have got here.  Well, and also the rational and brutally honest voice of one of my dearest friends, who manages to amaze me with her frank cutting through of all the BS that clouds my judgment.  And while I don’t ever recall having this precise conversation with her, I do know what she would say to me, if I vocalized that I was worried about my past in her.  Her response would be curt, and so full of love and wisdom, the perfect balance to have in a friend.  Haha.  Ultimately, she would look at this post, and just roll her eyes, that this wasn’t just obvious to me. Of course, I am not the only one on the planet going into new relationships with baggage or things from my past.

 

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And well, she’s completely right, or would be if I dared ask her, but it was difficult to see.  I spend so much time writing about this big thing, (to me), and it’s hard not to go into the real world and feel that someone out there will think it is too big for them.  And of course, that means they are not the right human for me. In the here and now though, it can feel like a barrier. Something insurmountable, and somehow makes me unlovable. Can you build trust with someone who had a sexually non-monogamous past? The Dirty Stigma around Non-Monogamy is a whole other box to unpack.

I made a huge mistake earlier in the year by not telling a person I was interested in about the topic of my would be book, and blog.  And it ate me up inside.  It was the exact scenario whereby I kept meaning to tell him, and then, I just wouldn’t and more days would go by.  To be fair, neither of us talked about our pasts.  We were very much experiencing life in the present, with zero talk of future.  However, the feeling was uncomfortable and not one that I want to repeat.  And thus, here I am trying to do better, and be less fearful of my past relationship department. And the best advice I can give myself, is to put myself in their shoes, and realize they have a past too.  Now… onto the next puzzle, and that is finding a person who wants to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them. Ooph!

Thank you to everyone who has bought me a beer this year! I have some very fun photos planned for December on my IG and Patreon…. so stay tuned!

Flamingo on the Inside, Sex Positive on the Outside

I have no idea what Bowser and I are looking at!

My last piece was a birthday blog, with my hopes and aspirations for what I hope to find, and embrace in my 38th year of life. If you have been reading my work for any length of time, you might have noticed that as I get older, my birthdays are becoming less gut wrenching.  I think part of the reason for that is, I am finally living my best life that I possibly can.  Sure things aren’t perfect, and my dreams remind me each night that all I really want is something to naked cuddle with at night, and wake up excited to learn more about in the mornings.  Oh, and of course, someone who wants the exact same from me!  But… there is an added element that try as I might, I just don’t know how to broach.  Perhaps because men disappear before we even get that far?  Ooph, OK, back on track here, bringing up being sex positive with a new person, and it is not going well, but… I keep trying!

Imagine for a moment that you are on a date with a person that you know almost nothing about.  You sip your wine, laugh nervously, and talk about what you have in common.  You are sharing experiences in those precious few moments that will shape the foundation of where this chance encounter might go. Statically speaking the likelihood of going past a few dates is incredibly low, but, you feel a spark and decide that you want to keep seeing this person.  Cool, they want to see you back, all is great.  Now, at this point you start talking about your passions and what really fuels you as a human.  In my case, it is relationships, sex, and exploring everything intimate that connects our fellow human being.  Oh, and by the way, I post sexy photos online, and oh yeah right, I’ve been writing about my non-monogamous experiences for over a decade. Oh… wait I forgot, I am actually working on my second draft of my first memoir of said relationship.

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Yeah… so… that’s not going well for me. Writing about sex is still taboo. Men, don’t want to bring me home to meet their families. I am not motherhood material. And yeah, they figure I am a goddess in the bedroom so they can put in zero effort where that is concerned, and then just never call again.  Or, they want me to analyze their sexual past over a beer, in public, for free.

I’m not saying I would change a moment of who I am, or what I am passionate about.  And yes, someday the right man will come along who understands, accepts, and is not threatened by my past or present.  But hot damn I am tired.  So, so tired.  And I shouldn’t have to change or hide my past in order to have a future with someone, should I?  I overcome hurdles every single day. I challenge myself, and others to think, be more compassionate and embrace a sex positive world.  And at the end of it all, I just want someone warm to snuggle with, who loves me, understands me, and allows me to be me. I am a unique flamingo, looking for love, while embracing a sex positive future.  Deep breaths, just keep going.

If you’d like to show your support for this blog and the work I do, please like, share, or subscribe to my Patreon. Or, just keep reading, and sending warm vibes!

Hypocrite You Say? Posting Sexy Photos is NOT an Invitation for Sexism or Trolls

Beerlover_boobowner

Last year I wrote an article for Medium, with regards to this pervasive myth that it’s easier for woman to write about sex than men, and if you haven’t already, I do hope you give it a read for a little extra context for what I want to rant a bit about on here.  And perhaps, I will be able to formulate these rants into a more cohesive article for medium. But, for the time being, I want to address this hypocritical murmur I am hearing with regards to my boob forward images, and my hard stance against sexism and harassment.  I am body and sex positive, and no that does not mean that I or anyone else who creates content, is therefor open to sexism or harassment.  And the irony is not lost on me that I am writing this rant only a week after boldly re-claiming my power, but I guess, my boldness adds fodder to the trolls and hypocrite criers.  Ugh.

When I post boobs and beer on Instagram, that is my celebration of two things I love. And when I post bonus content on my Patreon (for a small subscription or one time fee) it is because, I deserve to get a little kickback for all the free content I put out there. Plain and simple. And yeah, admitting that I deserve a little money for what I do, is a tough thing to write down, and own.  Phew, glad I got that out of the way. And now onto the hypocrisy of it all.

One of the little notes I sent myself when mulling over how I wanted boobs, beer, and vinyl to look and feel was “Sex and nudity should be normalized, fun, and playful”. And yes, I send a lot of little notes to myself in between writing sessions. The thing about this one is, it is important to me that my images not just be sexy, shot in the best lighting ever, or even filtered. Why? Because real, and raw is who I am, with an element of playful and random.  That to me, is the key to embracing body positivity and normalizing nudity and the enjoyment of the naked body.  Of course with IG, nudity of any sort is forbidden, so I have to work within the parameters of their platform.  Which is perfectly fine with me, and presents a fun little challenge of riding that fine line.

But there are a few things I need to get right out there in the open.  There is nothing hypocritical about my strong stance against sexism and my fun desire to be sexy and playful with my photographs and selfies.  If you, have ever thought that I bring on the harassment and abuse myself due to my content that I put out into the world, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! Let me be very clear, we cannot become a sex positive culture if we shame people for putting out content that is sexual  or suggestive in nature.  As I wrote in my Medium article, it is not easy putting intimate content out for public consumption. Trolls are the worst, and stalkers, are real. I have feared for my safety a number of times over the years, and even changed my nudity policy for my blog articles (if you’re a regular reader, I know you’re sick of me writing that down, but it still irks me that I had to do that).

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I have tried to understand the correlation between writing the word sex and getting trolled. I just don’t understand. Why when people read the phrase sex positive do they short circuit and assume that I’m down to fuck or that I want to talk about sex and my personal life with strangers? I call it trolling simply because it’s something that rational people in the real world would never do. Anonymity creates a seemingly safe space for creeps.  And I put content out, in a lot of places, thus there is a never ending stream of violations towards my privacy, sanity, and sexual well being. And no, it should not be this way, nor should I simply accept the fact because I write or photograph “sex” themed content at times.  And yet, in the real world, actual acquaintances of mine believe that this is par for the course and I bring this on myself. Ugh!  But I don’t do this simply for attention, and definitely not for the money.  I do this because it’s what I want to write about, what I am passionate about photographing, and what fuels me. 

And there is another element to this, a much more personal one.  Yesterday, I was in a terrible mood, and you know what made me cheer up? Taking the time to grab a beer, put on a silly bikini to match a vinyl cover, and plan a little photo shoot in my living room.  I got my brain to think about something fun, had tunes going, and cracked a beer.  Doing this little selfie absolutely got me out of my head, and brought some playfulness from my living room, and after I shared with those on my social media. It was truly a mental boost for me. And how in the world can that be wrong?

So, if you are one of those in the background thinking that I bring on harassment or sexism myself, it is time to look in the mirror and reflect on why you hold onto those misguided values. I dress for my own pleasure, and I take photos to bring me joy.  If you in turn believe that I deserve my trolls, or it should be expected in today’s day and age, please let me know, and I will provide you with some amazing resources to help shake you out of that frame of mind. Putting myself out there is rarely easy.  It is often uncomfortable, and hot damn do I wish some days that people would appreciate the work and pay me fairly for it. With that all aside, I more often than not, understand that what I do is important. And that there is value in what I put out there, and I remain hopeful that one day the effort will pay off. Or at the very least, I can stop ranting about all those who call me a hypocrite.

Challenge Time: I want each of you to give a shout-out to someone who embodies a sex positive trait that you admire, or someone you admire for the content they create! Comment on this post, Twitter, Facebook, or wherever you read this blog!

Weird Rituals and Things I Do When I Like Someone

Libra Tattoo

Ok, I am about to share some things that I do when I like someone, and my hope is we can have some fun conversations about the lighter side of dating. I know, I have been venting a lot lately (Twitter), and my piece on the Pain of Ghosting definitely struck some chords with people. So let me be the first to proclaim that I can also be ridiculous, and fun, and I hope bringing some smiles or absurdity to the world will start changing my luck!  Haha!  A girl can dream right?  So, without further ado, here are some of the weird dating rituals that I do when I first meet someone, and actually start to like them.

Googling Them

While this one seems fairly standard in today’s day and age, I take this one as more of a sleuthing challenge. For some strange reason, I don’t ever ask someone’s last name, and instead prefer to “discover it” by putting random details that I have found out on a first date into various searches and discovering it. Looking back, I have always taken pride in figuring out a guys last name, and used to take a sneak peak at their drivers licence or credit card.  Haha!  Are you creeped out yet?  Oh, it gets weirder.

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Sign Compatibility

Obviously, the point of those first few dates is to discover the likelihood of any budding romance or long-term compatibility. But, I do something a little strange, or at the very least something I don’t usually admit to people, I google zodiac compatibility. Why is this strange? Because I put zero stock in anything zodiac related. I have many thoughts on the subject (and believe me I would be a hypocrite to judge anyone for enjoying horoscopes being that I have my sign tattoo on my ankle) , but now, horoscopes and the like just aren’t a thing I consume. Well, except when it comes to compatibility tests. I absolutely love reading how two people rate when it comes to sex, love, and communication. And the best part, even if we are not a match, astronomically speaking, I take it as a personal challenge to be the exception to the rule. Really, I have to laugh at the ridiculousness of letting the stars be my guide in this instance.

Physical Chemistry

And last but not least, the final, or sometimes the first thing I do, is test the physical chemistry waters. Yes, sex is incredibly important to me, and if I don’t get butterflies reminiscing about that first touch or clothes off encounter, it’s going to be a no from me. Why even mince words on this one? I love sex, I want a steady stream of orgasms, and excitement for my life, so… it’s got to be there. And while I don’t expect an orgasm the first time, I am fully aware of my body, and know if I will get one in the near future.

Time shall tell if these strange little things will actually pan out or not. For the interim, they are kinda fun to do, especially that last section! Haha! So what are your little singledom rituals? Do you wear lucky lingerie? Memorize their phone number? Or something completely out of left field? Comment below! And don’t forget to check out Patreon for all the latest posts, behind the scenes photos, and much more!

Challenge Time!!! #30DaysSexPositive

#30DaysSexPositive

Welcome to the third edition of the sex positive challenge! If this is your first time checking this out, congrats. For those who are joining me for the second or third time, I truly hope you find the challenges involving, fun, and at times thought provoking, and a little sexy? Springtime always makes me feel renewed and ready to start new things, hence starting each May with a little challenge definitely gives me a libido boost. And I have to give a special shout out to all the amazing participants in the past, truly, you amaze me with your insight, sexiness, and openness! I am so inspired and in awe of this amazing community. Thank you!

Now let us take a look at what May 2021’s challenge will entail.

Where?

In the past I have posted on all my social media each morning. This go around I’m going to try something a little different by posting daily on my Sex Positive Books and Blogs account, and then doing a weekly roundup of posts on IG, and Facebook. While engagement was increasing on the later two accounts, the actual home bases are not sex friendly, so I want to stick to what currently allows community building and open freedom of speech (Twitter). 

In short, daily challenges will go on Twitter, and I will complete them through my personal account so you have two easy ways to find them.

What?

Once you have found the daily challenge, take whatever time you need to complete it.  Then the choice is yours to simply re-tweet using the #30DaysSexPositive or to share with the sex positive community something about the challenge you’re comfortable with, be it pictures, a blog post, music, or just a few words about it (using the hashtag of course).  The whole point is embrace to sex as a natural part of our humanity, and to explore different ways of thinking in a safe, consent based environment. And it is far more fun with community participation!

I want you to challenge yourself in whatever way you feel comfortable. That is part of the reason I don’t have prizes at this stage in the game. Penalizing someone for not completing a day due to it being outside their comfort zone does not sit well with me. This is designed to be a personal journey, that I hope brings you one step closer to embracing your sexual self.

Inclusivity

One important note, I do strive to make each challenge completely inclusive. If for whatever reason you are not able to complete a challenge due to something I have overlooked, please send me a quick DM, explaining why so I can rectify it. I am still learning myself, and I want to ensure that this is sex positive and welcoming environment for all participants.

With that said, if you are ready to challenge yourself for this #30DaysSexPositive Challenge, welcome to our third edition!  I hope you have fun, and make it the whole 30 days! 

If you love this challenge and are wondering how to support more sex positive efforts in the future, my Patreon page is always open or check out one of my amazing affiliate banners on my home page.