Shark Week and My Favorite Product

As I am placing my own order for Softcups (on Amazon.ca) I realized that I never actually shared with my dear readers the product that so amazingly improved my sex life during that dreaded time of the month.  And as I am not a selfish person and have often been accused of oversharing, I figured that this would not only keep in line with that, but also share the little secret to my ability to have sex, pretty much whenever I choose to.  So without further ado, let me introduce you to Soft Cups.  Firstly, I should mention that I love them to pieces and yes, if you click the link and add it to your shopping cart you will be helping both of us out which is a win/win.  And no, I am not being paid directly to sponsor them I just share products I love from time to time.

I started using soft cups about 3 years ago.  And I will be quite honest, I initially bought them because I was just damn tired of tampons.  There was a lot of hype going around regarding diva cups, and I wanted to learn more as I tend not to rush into new things especially when it involves entering my body.  Upon reading a bunch of new products in the market, I found something that totally intrigued me, Soft cups.  These stood out because they claimed that you could have sex while wearing them.  And well, how could I not race out to try them?

For you see, that has always been a great difficulty for me sexually.  I want complete control over my body, even during that time of the month.  And spontaneous sex is just not always possible during the messy time and that puts limits on my sex life.  Carrying around products like No More Wet Spots Blanket (which has a really sexy banner on my website) is practical and opposite to the whole spontaneity that I crave.  Rolling up to a party with super sexy, post sex hair and that healthy glow is incredible and I want that whether or not I am on shark week.  So I bought my first box and then let it sit on bathroom floor for 3 cycles while I mustered the courage to stick one in the first time (I told you I don’t race into these things).

And let me tell you, the very first time, was a total mindfuck for me.  I followed the instructions to a T and at hour 12 when it came time to switch it out (did I mention that you get to wear it for 12 hours??? So amazing) I won’t even lie, it got stuck.  Well, not stuck per se, but there is definitely a trick to breaking the seal on it.  It sits right below your cervix so the seal is amazing and offers very minimal leakage but as I said, there is a bit of learning curve with getting it out.  But my goodness once that curve is over come it is a game changer.  I do not feel it at all during the day.  I can have sex whenever I want, and being so active in the summers, it is a dream to use, especially when camping.  Only having to use a real washroom in the morning and evening is completely do able, whereas with tampons, it is an every time you pee ordeal.  And let’s not even mention pads during the hiking/camping season, ugh!

Whenever I have sex with new people, I always tell them I am wearing one, because there is still the chance of leakage, and there are few positions that my partner can feel it.  But over all, it has been a resounding success and a remarkable improvement to me holding more power over my own body and sexual needs.   So, I would highly recommend you giving them a try if you are ready for a change.

Now if only we could do something about this whole bra thing…

Silicon Lube and Mattresses Don’t Mix! A PSA

My partner and I have the most amazing set up in our bedroom ever!  Basically, we have a room for beds (post has a very sexy picture!).  But finding the perfect queen sized mattresses was a bit of a process, during which we discovered that while silicon lube is amazingly fun for the sexy times, it is also a nightmare to clean.  I have included quick links to all products mentioned both for clarity, and because they are amazing products that I am proud to be an affiliate for.  So without further ado here is my story, and what I hope will be a warning to all out there to not make the same mistake, and if you do, the only solution that worked!

Once upon a time, a man and a woman decided that for the sanity of their relationship, purchasing two queen sized beds was not only the sleep system they needed, but the one they both deserved.  And thus the hunt for the perfect mattresses began.  And after much deliberation and product testing, the two agreed upon a set that fit their budget and hopefully their ultimate ZZZ regiment.  The two quickly christened their new bed, and after the fun was over, haphazardly placed the silicon lube in between the two mattresses.  With the lube out of sight, and out of mind, the pair went on with their testing of the mattresses and sadly decided that their first purchase was just not to be.

With a vacation quickly approaching, the two asked for an extension to exchange their mattresses and this was generously granted (this is a key component of the treacherous tale).  So upon returning from their vacation, the hunt for the actual best mattresses began, nearly 2 months after their initial purchase.  They tested, and tried.  Snuggled on all sorts of beds for what seemed like weeks on end until finally they fell in love with their would be forever mattresses!  Rejoice! The two celebrated the up coming day of exchange.  But, uh oh!  Upon washing the sheets in preparation for the next week delivery a nasty stain was discovered on not one, but on all the mattresses and box springs!  The culprit… that sneaky bottle of silicon lube!  It had been put in upside down and the stain had set without either party noticing.

Panic quickly ensued as the two raced to good ole google to source out the best way to remove the nasty stain.  And if anyone out there has researched a similar query it turns out that time is of the essence.  After nearly 3 months of the stain sitting it had set.  It looked as if all hope was lost.  And for those of you wondering, yes, the exchange was dependent on a stain and tear free product.  There is no giving up allowed in the quest for the perfect night sleep!  The room was torn apart, and the mattresses and box springs placed stain side up, so I could begin the assessment and start preliminary testing of cleaning techniques.

Would soap and water be enough?  Nope.  How about some Oxy clean?  Nope.  My favorite secret cleaning tool of Club Soda was also a total bust.  Ok, this was getting a little freaky.  The research rabbit hole lead us from kitchen cleaning sites, to sex toy blogs, and nothing, nadda was powerful enough to fix our current situation.  Finally, there was a eureka moment… let’s turn to science.  What product out there actually breaks down silicon?  The answer was daunting, Mineral spirits, which is a fancy name for turpentine!  How in the hell was I going to clean the mattresses (which were black by the way) and not destroy them, or myself in the process?  Let me share with you my process.

Cleaning Silicon Lube from a Mattress (or 4)

1) Ventilate the room as this stuff in incredibly flammable.  I had the window open, and two fans going at all times.

2) Wear protection including a ventilator, eye protection and gloves.

3) Spot check a teeny tiny little spot and cross your fingers that none of the colour leaches out.  And check that the fabric does not start to breakdown or the fibres break apart.

4) Then grab a tooth brush, dunk it in the spirits and start breaking down that silicon with tiny little semi circular motions.

5) Rinse thoroughly with cold soapy water to prevent the chemicals from penetrating too deep into the mattress.

6) Repeat all steps until the stain is lifted.

Now here’s the thing, I repeated this same process twice daily for 4 full days.  And in the end, even with all the ventilation it still stunk to high hell of gas fumes.  So, I did what any person, desperate to get the full refund back does, I dosed it with Fabreze, followed by citrus soap, and Febreze again.  After nearly a day of just sitting there, soaking all the scent masking, I was finally satisfied enough to make the exchange.  And amazingly, it went off without a hitch!  And I was so relieved as they actually sent in an inspector for the task!  The stain in all four pieces was adequately lifted, and I had created a fresh and clean scent that hid all trace of the harsh chemicals used.  But let me tell you, for all the success at the end, it was hard freaking work, and a process I hope never to have to repeat.  So, do yourselves a favor, and don’t leave silicon lube to set.  Or better yet, be proactive and start using a water proof blanket designed specifically for messes in mind such as the Waterproof blankets for “intimate” play!.  I could have saved myself both the emotional stress and actual headache I received from this harrowing adventure by being preventive and not waiting until the last minute to clean the stain.

 

Sex Censorship: The Modern Book Burning and The War on Women

Make no mistake, the internet is experiencing a very scary purging of sex content in the form of sexual censorship.  With the closure of Backpage, and Craigslist personals (US only, Canada still seems to be available) sex workers are being put at risk.  And by risk, I mean pushing them out of the safety of the internet and directly onto the streets.  This is terrifying.  And this doesn’t just stop at sex workers.  For example, YouTube is now removing entire channels dedicated to sex education and the cloud has been deleting entire profiles, videos and images specifically targeting escorts and sex workers.  We are moving into the dark ages where we are again running and hiding from the word sex.  We are reaching a critical climax with the technological information purge, or what I feel is the modern book burning.  And if you are thinking you are not affected, please don’t stop reading as there is more!

With SESTA-FOSTA in effect, third party websites are now liable for the content that is written, shared and promoted on them.  While the guise of child endangerment and trafficking pushed it forward, the real victims are sex workers.  They cannot use platforms like Twitter, Instagram, Switter etc to promote and screen their businesses and clients, putting them at extreme risk of extortion, their very physical safety, and their means of income as sights like Paypal are liable under this new law as well.  Which ultimately will push these workers back onto the streets or worse.  And yes, pushing out sex workers has a negative effect on all of us.  It’s called the oldest profession for a reason.  History has shown us time and time again that humans will find a way to have their sexual needs and desires met, one way or the other.  To fight this, is futile and recently we were reminded just how dangerous it is which I will touch on shortly.  And with the legal threat of third party liability, sex workers will move to the next safe place to advertise, and that will most likely be on dating apps.  That’s right, dating apps like OK Cupid, and Tinder will be the next targets.  So, do you still think this doesn’t affect you?

This censorship is so far reaching that even taking pictures of sex toys may/will result in discretionary removal, blocking and/or just banned.  And as of today, Twitter will start to remove all nudity that elicits arousal.  Are you freaking kidding me?  This is censorship at its worst because it is subjective.  Is there some big review board somewhere that will review nudity to see if it gets someone hard or wet?  Internet freedom is not under attack, it is no longer a thing.  Again, if you think this doesn’t affect you, you’re just not listening.  If you cannot even take a picture of a sex toy, where does that line end?  Can you not take a picture of condom to promote and educate safe sex?  And honestly, there is no end in sight, and no clear picture of who makes these determinations.

So what’s next?  Where is the internet headed?  Where are we as a society going to end up if we cannot embrace healthy sexual discussion and acceptance.  Oh that’s where it’s headed, straight into fear and outright hatred of sex and women.  Are you ready to read about the real world ramifications of the breakdown of sex positive speech, availability, education and just general knowledge?  Well, ready or not, Toronto women were just attacked by a 25 year old man, on the street, by a van of all things.  And why? Because he was part of a group called the Incel Rebellion, which is short for “involuntary celibate”.  This is a group of violent men, who have slurped up the Kool-aid that women are the enemy.  That we should not have autonomy over our sexual rights and body, and that men have every right to get laid, by whatever means necessary, including rape.  Yes, you read that right.  I will be honest, I have a lot of difficulty researching this group of men, and my stomach turns just thinking that these predators are a part of our society.  It’s bone chilling and I cannot go into more detail without tearing up.  So research this subject with caution.

How can women be feared this much?  Why are we losing our autonomy at such an alarming rate?  How as a society can we attack sex workers, and allow organizations that promote bodily harm to women to continue?  Where is the poison that started this all?  And how the fuck do we fix this?  I want to say that with education and compassion the next generation will be better than us.  But, I don’t think we can, as an equal society wait that long.  Women are dying.  Sex workers, have reached the point of desperation and are taking their own lives.  Men, believing they have “rights” to us as objects has resulted in death, all over North America, and honestly I couldn’t research beyond that.

This has to STOP!  And it has to stop now.   The war on women must end.  And the book burning of sexual content, information and education has to be eliminated.  And RIGHT NOW!  This is a human crisis.  It’s not men versus women.  It’s a poison that is infiltrating our very ethics and morality, and we need to find the antidote.  Being shocked, silent or dismissive is over.  For my part, I will continue to post nudity on my blog and on my Patreon page, and proudly!  I will continue to blog about sex, relationships, sexuality and non-monogamy.  I will continue to support sex workers and my community of sex positive individuals.  I will not be silent.  And neither should you!  As I tweeted today “Things are not looking good right now for freedom of expression, from the female perspective.  We need to do better.  I hate being right about it getting worse before it gets better… how much more can society fear sex and women?”  Join the conversation on social media.  Talk to your friends and loved ones.  We cannot silently watch women die as our freedoms are ripped from us!

Aggression and #30DaysofLingerie

During the month of April (For Twitter users) there is a very sexy and fun hashtag called #30daysoflingerie.  I was super excited when I found it, late of course, but I joined it anyways.  I figured it would be an incredibly fun way to connect with sexy people and show off a little.  And it started as just that, finding lingerie, taking selfies and posting to twitter.  And I had the added fun of sending the best ones to my partner (who is not on twitter) for a little extra hint of exhibitionism.  I was part of a group and it felt exhilarating to share my sexy side in a way that was outside of my blog or Patreon.  And my followers for the most part were super supportive and extremely welcoming of this little bit extra.

So, all was fun and games, right up until post 10, and that’s when I learned a hard, but valuable lesson.  I do not like aggression, and I absolutely loath it from women.  Yup, I went ahead and said it.  Being exposed to highly aggressive people, especially in a sexualized environment where I already feel vulnerable and exposed will and did push me over the edge.  As a result, I have officially quit playing the game that I was originally so excited about.  But I learned I a great lesson about what I find attractive and can now better articulate something that really turns me off.

I am turned on by assertive, and confident people.  I want to surround myself with them both in and out of the bedroom because they challenge me to be better.  And I love that feeling of intellectual discourse blended with a person who knows what they want and are not afraid to ask for it.  And further to that, I get instantly wet if the person they want, is me.  Being wanted by someone I prize is indeed a sexual high point for me.  Oh swoon, that, and that alone… Ok I need a moment.  Phew… back on track here.

There is a line between aggression and assertiveness, and after this hashtag I forced myself to analyze exactly what crossing the line really meant to me.  I have been put off before, but could never quite articulate what the turnoff was, well, until now.  Unprompted crass or crude behaviour, and or the encouragement of negativity, are the two main things that stand out after a few days of soul searching and analysis.

Let me explain.  I do not find strangers demanding that I give them more, or brag that they would get me off in heartbeat if they were in my bed to be a turn on.  Nor, does an aggressive proclamation of just where they would stick it if I spread my legs wider for them garnish any type of arousal.  It does not encourage me to take sexier pictures, in fact, quite the opposite.  Being objectified that roughly, makes me want to stop showing off altogether.  I like light, sexy, playful and flirty when it comes to text and in person conversations of a sexual nature.  And I love being told that an image of mine is driving someone wild, or they can’t wait to get home to their partners as a result.  That is the line of what makes a turn on for me and why I show off, knowing my images are having a positive affect.  So crude objectification, in my books, is bad, and not sexy.

Now onto the point of encouraging bad behaviour or negative emotions.  First, I don’t equate sex with being bad or naughty.  For my personal sex life, I love passion and fun above all other things.  And to the point of this blog, I don’t ever want to feel dirty or used by some random internet stranger.  It is vulgar to me.  So that’s why I post pictures that I feel are pretty, or artistic or just really freaking hot to me.  That’s my prerogative when it comes to sex.  There are no mixed messages here, and nothing in my language that is up for negotiation.  Any rough play, or BDSM, is the one place that is completely private for me and off limits to the public.  I require complete trust in this regard and obviously there is no trust present with internet strangers.  And if you’ve met me in person, while very open, you know I speak my mind, within the firm boundaries I have put in place.  I know many people get turned on by raunchy and dirty language, and I in no way am trying to shame those people.  Just simply stating that it doesn’t work for me.  I don’t need a bunch of strangers objectifying me to get off.  I have a fabulous sex life, and writing my blog, posting pictures and showing off on Patreon are simply an extension of that.  If I wanted to be spoken to dirty, I promise you, I would ask.  Until that time, remember you are on a public forum, and you’re not nearly as anonymous as you think you are.

And that’s a great segue way into the second component of this, internet strangers trying to encourage negative behaviour in me.  Reading that a person wants to get me angry or riled up so I post more dirty pictures is quite off putting, especially from a woman.  Part of the reason I specify women here, is that with a man, I feel comfortable calling them out, or muting or even blocking if they don’t learn their lesson.  With a woman though, I can’t quite let go of my biases with regards to not looking like a bitch, or perceived as such by other females.  So I let it slide, or nervously giggle even though I’m enraged and disgusted.  Again, I know it’s sexist, but with men I can handle shutting them down, but women, I just want to crawl into a hole and avoid the entire encounter.  I have troubles rationalizing why anyone would feed off of negativity or want more of it.  It is a complete libido killer to me, and that’s where I find myself right now.  The lingerie challenge has lost its appeal for me.  I have encountered some incredibly aggressive women who made me feel uncomfortable and dirty.  And rather than deal with it, I have chosen to stop playing.  My terms, my choice.

But I don’t regret the lessons I have learned from the experience.  I know more about my turn ons and turn offs as a direct result of this hashtag and my involvement in it.  And I want to make my final statement very clear, I am writing this post, for me and my sexuality.  I am not in anyway asking anyone to change or modify their behaviours because everyone’s sexuality and turn ons are unique.  We aren’t born with a user manual of sexual attraction, and in this case, I learned more about myself by putting my images out there, than I would have by just avoiding.  But I know when to quit.  When things aren’t fun anymore, and the lessons have been learned, it’s time to move on.   So thanks to the wonderful and amazing people that discovered me while doing this challenge, I hope you stick around, but if not, no hard feelings.  It was fun while it lasted.

If you liked this post, and want to see or read more, please consider following me on twitter or subscribing to my Patreon page.

Re-Branding Single Men Who Swing

 

In my last post, I discussed the idea of re-branding the outdated term of swinging, or as @HunterGash suggested, adding a new term that better defines his relationship norm and would probably better identify a large group within the lifestyle.  While I personally don’t agree that adding new labels is beneficial in the long term, there was one group that I may actually feel could benefit from a different term, and that is the single lifestyle men.  I know, this may come as quite a shock to many of my readers, especially if you have read a few of my angry rant posts regarding singles in the lifestyle.  But I have given this a lot of thought, and ultimately, I don’t think single men should use the term swingers.

Single men have a lot of hurdles to overcome being a part of the lifestyle.  More in fact than any other group, and the reason is, there is too large of a supply for the actual demand.  As a result, single men are very visible and any bad behaviour is seen, remembered and preventative measures are quickly put in place.  It only takes one bad apple to get a bad reputation for the group, and as there are so many of them, it’s easy for things to get out of hand and therefor simpler to just ban them altogether.  And I have to include myself, because it is much easier to just say single men shouldn’t swing rather than trying the tedious task of weeding out the bad apples or trying to educate them, especially in the heat of the moment.

But, after interacting with a bunch of really great single guys who are positive additions to the swinging community I realized that there has got to be a happy medium between letting them over saturate the community and banning them altogether.  How then do single males become a positive asset within the term swingers?  The best answer I could come up with, is they don’t.  Hear me out…

I think the easiest thing for men to do at this point, is drop the word swinger altogether, and just start saying they are non-monogamous males or something along those lines.  The word swinger is not working, it never really has, and men already have a bunch of terms to pick and choose from that work better anyways, without all the additional stigma of being a swinger added on.  Let’s take a look at a few of the terms available, non-monogamous, single men (a little joke), bulls, bachelors, FWB etc.

To me, single men are not swingers by definition.  Swinging is about partnership, relationships, team building, etc and these are things that single men are not.  Now this is not supposed to be inflammatory or be interpreted as me not wanting to include singles in the lifestyle.  When you’re flying solo, you’re not fully swinging and that’s OK!  Let’s look at single women in the lifestyle, they are given the term unicorn, and I don’t think many people would even think to call them swingers.  They are almost elevated above swingers, as an almost prized possession, whereas single men are below swingers (this is a stereotypical example for a reason and not my personal opinion).  The thing is, singles are not equal to swingers.  Swingers is plural and singles, well, you can do the math on that.

So in short, why as a single male would you set yourself up for double the stigma when you don’t have to?  Why would you even want to use the term swinger?  While many are trying to re-invent it, or rename it, you can just walk away from the label and just be non-monogamous, or bachelors, or even that you enjoy lifestyle parties.  In the words of my old boss, Keep it simple stupid (again, a joke).  Go for what works, and stop fighting what simply isn’t.

And if you want to test out my theory, try putting swinger on your dating profile and watch all your matches disappear.  Then, switch to non-monogamous and while this switch will not open doors, it will keep them from being slammed in your face.  And you are much more likely to get some real conversation going by people who are inquisitive or a little more open minded.  Why is this?  Stigma and taboo are real and very hard to overcome on paper.   So why would you set yourself up for a polarizing hard no right off the bat?  That’s just setting yourself up for failure or at the very least creating just one more difficult hurdle to overcome.  So break free of the double stigma of being single male swingers and avoid all the added negativity of the bad apples who went before you.  Play to your strengths, and don’t hold onto weaknesses.

 

Thank you to all who have checked out my Patreon page already!  I love being able to share some sexy behind the scenes pictures that don’t quite make it to the blog.  So again thank you, and cheers!