If you search for blogs discussing sex myths, you are going to find a tonne of them. Some that you may laugh, cringe, cry, or even, dare I say, learn something from? In this post I would like to focus on a few that personally had an effect on my sex life. And why, I always try and push for better sexual education and open and honest, consent first, discussions when it comes to sex. Some myths cause far more harm than others but the fact remains all of these sex myths impacted my path to being sex positive.
Myth 1: You can tell a woman is ready by how wet she is
A woman shows she’s ready for sex by being wet enough for immediate penetration. While physiologically, yes, this may happen, there were numerous times in my world of monogamy where I wanted a quickie and was not quite wet. The man I was sleeping with would grow concerned that I just didn’t want it, based on my level of self lubrication. And would either be turned off, or try and get me wet (so I guess that’s a plus?). The thing was, he believed my bodies response, over my words as a direct result of this myth. Obviously this made a huge impact on my views of my body, and I would try and pre-game so to speak to ensure I was always wet enough for sex. All I can say to this, is I now have a container of lube on every level of my house, and is always a part of my sex purse. Why? Because lube (affiliate link to my favorite lube) is awesome and this myth is crazy.
Myth 2: Anal sex makes you cool
In this one, I am going to lump a whole bunch of anal
misconceptions that I have into one paragraph with the disclaimer that I was
very ill informed about anal sex right from the get go, and basically had zero
business doing it, or talking about it. I
could blame my catholic school girl sex education, porn, or the internet in
general for the misinformation, but I think it is better to just dispel this myth
altogether and all the variations that go along with it.
Once you warm up the first time, you shouldn’t
have to spend as much time warming up the next.
The type or quality of the lube does not matter,
it’s all about the volume of it.
Having sex in the butt is the ultimate way to
show your man that you love him.
You are super bad ass and sexy as fuck if you do
it in the butt. That’s what bad girls
do, and the taboo makes you hella cool.
A quick summary on this one, yes, I at one time or another
was exposed and believed these myths to be true. As a result, I am still anal sex conflicted
and did spend a significant amount of time healing from a very bad experience.
Myth 3: A woman can only orgasm from one body part
Now this one, is a bit of a gray area for me. I remember watching the Friends episode that
discussed all the different erogenous zones, and while TV shouldn’t be the way
people form their base sexual education, the reality is that it happens all the
time. So, I was fully aware that women
could get sexual pleasure from more than one place. With that being said, the episode did focus
on the big finale, so I for a long time equated all my erogenous zones with being
part of the fourplay. It wasn’t until
much later in life that I embraced the fact that I can have a pretty amazing
orgasm just from having my breasts sucked in a certain way and that it doesn’t
always have to peak with PIV (penis in vagina) sex. The reason I include this one in my list of
myths that affected me, is due to the fact that I have had more conversations
than I can count with men absolutely mystified by this little tidbit. No, I am not some magical, sexual anomaly. In
fact, I think if more people understood that sex and orgasms are much for fluid
in nature for woman, sex in general would improve for many.
So in an effort to keep this short and sweet, I am going to leave this list at 3. Please feel free to share your own myths, and how they affected you, via this blog, on my Patreon, or on Twitter.
One of the tenants of the swinger lifestyle is that you don’t make friends swingers, you make swingers friends. While I don’t of course agree with rules such as these, it is does lead itself into an interesting discussion that I have over the years, and now that I am little less shy sharing my blog with friends the frequency is increasing. There are a growing number of people who have concerns with how to act around me after they have seen me naked. If you don’t already know, I used to put a lot of naked photos on my blog (which are still up if you want to do some digging), and now I have a Patreon page for those more “titillating” photos that helps fund my writing and future endeavours. While I would love to have people on the lower tiers, simply supporting my work, the reality is, I have pretty much all my support on the top two tiers which ranges from pg13 to R rated content. But they are exclusively strangers, which begs the question, can you handle seeing your friends naked?
Now, here is the thing. I am open. I live my life as I see fit, with an open relationship, combined with the openness of my sexuality, and freedom of expression. I choose what goes out into the world and I love what I do. However, when people that I work with, socialize with, or even just have mutual acquaintances with find my blog or photos I ultimately will receive some pretty interesting messages (which makes me wonder all the things I don’t hear). The common theme is that they don’t want me to feel uncomfortable with them looking at me, or knowing what I look like without my clothes on.
I could play Freud here, and psycho analyze what this really
says about them, etc, but I am not going to do that. Instead, I am going to speak to the
peculiarity of the situation this puts me in.
I create public content and I have it available to everyone. So to me, that pretty much states that I am
fine with anyone in my network or outside of it consuming the content
within. In fact, it is beyond flattering
and so very appreciated that my loved ones would actually put a little money into
my pocket or a tip here and there. But
with these initial messages, I find myself in a place where I can either try
and sell the work, coerce people to look, share, support, or whatnot but often
I feel it’s only appropriate to talk them out of looking at it. No, I don’t mean in a reverse psychology sort
of way either.
Why do I talk them out of it sometimes? Because our society, as a whole, doesn’t seem
ready to embrace nudity. We directly
correlate the nude body with sex, and then that intertwines feelings that are much
more primal than our day to day interaction with peers allows. Can I see a male naked and then talk to them
like a normal human being the next day?
Sometimes yes, sometimes I will blush a little first, and then be able
to chat with them. There is nothing inherently
wrong with that, but I understand how it could be uncomfortable for some, or
just too far outside of their comfort zone to come to terms with. And look at that, I tried not to analyze, yet
here we are. It’s a puzzling conundrum and
one that I totally empathize with. If you’re
not able to separate nudity from sex, that is totally cool. I was raised with open nudity in my household
and it just feels really natural to walk around naked, but I realize that is
not the norm, and I would never want to force my content on anyone.
But to those who worry I might feel weird or judge the people who take a look please know this, my content is out there. Embrace it. Enjoy it. We are adults and I love what I do. I enjoy getting feedback (in a sex positive manor mind you, not an objectifying creepy way), and I love that I have received such gracious support from so many of you. So, ask yourself this, would seeing me naked change our friendship in anyway for you? And if so, why would that be? And if you’re brave, I would love to read the conclusions you come up with!
And if you’re curious about the behind the scenes photos, click here!
Aka: Want to Start a Sex Blog? A Few Tips/Tricks and Mistakes I Have Made Blogging about Breaking Away From Monogamy
I started blogging in the summer of 2011 because I had a personal mission to work through a major problem I was facing in my life, and in my overconfident brain I figured a few people would be curious about the subject matter: non-monogamy. When I wrote my first post, as I’m sure a few of you have, it was from a place of heartbreak. I was motivated by a single thought, which was simply to write my story. As a result, I did zero research into making a blog readable, successful, profitable, or even clickable or shareable. I basically went in blind, thinking my clear mission statement would be enough for everything else to fall into place, whatever that ended up being. It turns out, it wasn’t. So let me share with you a few practical tips that I have learned over the years, often as a result of going in the completely wrong direction, and wherever I can, I will post practical links that will actually help you, especially if you want to talk about things that are taboo (affiliate links will be a part of this post, and do help me earn a small commission to cover my hosting fees, but I will get more into that shortly).
First things first, the reason this post is a little different to many “how do I write a blog post” is that I am gearing this towards taboo subject matter and the specific hurdles when you write about the word sex. So let’s get started with the first lesson I learned: Anonymity
Picking Your Name or Title
When I first got started, I used an alias, as so many out there choose to do. The thing was, I picked an alias that is in a language foreign to many of my readers. I chose, @k-ghislaine (which you can easily click to follow me on Twitter), and while it is meaningful to me, it is completely unsearchable, pronounceable, and instantly I created a situation where I would have to self-promote everything I put out. Now this was a choice I made consciously, and thought it would protect my work/life/relationship status. However, with that being the focus, what did I immediately do? Oh that’s right, I mass e-mailed the link to everyone in my address book, and posted the blog link on Facebook, under my own personal account. The take away? Choose your target, and decide how you are going to use your blog, podcast, or whatever medium that shares your unique message. And think beyond the heartache towards the scale-ability factor because you never know where something like this may take you. And this holds true for your blogs name, domain, and basically every social media handle you choose, so choose wisely.
Sex Positive Monetization
I have zero doubt that this is the main reason that you are reading this post. And the thing about this is, I am in no way pro yet. I make enough to cover all my fees incurred, and occasionally a little more. My blog, has always be like a journal for me, where if it makes a little that’s a bonus, but if not, that’s totally OK too, I will still blog. That being said, I know how daunting it can be to start researching ways to actually monetize your content, especially if you have nudity, talk about anything taboo, or dare I say, use the word sex in any way shape or form. When you get started, you are faced with a zillion and one hurdles, especially once you start reading the fine print on all the monetization sites available or affiliate programs that mainstream content creators have access to. Please don’t let that get you down, you still have options, it just might take a little more work.
One of the first paths I took that actually generated a little financial interest in my blog was doing a sex toy review. And not just any toy, a couple’s toy! Honestly, it was a lot of fun. I loved the anticipation of waiting for the new toy, testing it out, and ultimately writing the post. I totally understand the appeal of it, and would happily do one again in the future. But I would caution you about one thing, things are changing with toy reviews. You are very limited as to the pictures you take, where you can share them on social media, and the biggest reason I don’t do many is the competition aspect. There are so many incredible toy reviewers out there and honestly, I don’t feel like I offer anything unique to that discussion. In summary, product reviews are amazing, just make sure you offer something new, exciting, or unique to your audience or you will not retain them.
The second path I took, and take, is writing sponsored posts, or paid blogs for other sites. This is my clear favorite, as I love the exposure and the community building this brings. Ultimately, my goals are different than many out there, but if you really hustle to create incredible content, this works really well. There are some incredible resources out there when it comes to pitching, and if you would like me to share some insight on my techniques feel free to comment or reach out to me via whichever social media you found me on!
And finally the third, which is affiliate links (Such as this one for lube, sex toys, and condoms!) . Now these can be tricky to find for those who talk about sex in any depth beyond what I do. The reason I notice that is I have always walked a fine line between education and sharing sexy adventures. And that is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to banners or links that will actually pay me out. If you write sexualized content, you can find affiliate links on toy sites, P&%N pages, and with other promoters of the more XXX content. If you simply try to educate, you can find safe sex banners, STD testing sites, and that sort of thing. The key here, is to think outside of the box. What does your site say, and what products would you be happy to buy yourself and then promote? So, reach out to known sex positive industries, or sign up to affiliate sites specifically catered to sex and industry. There are a few out there, you just have to be a little savvy when searching them. And please, for the love of all that is holy, research the company first. It’s not worth making big bucks if your spreading hate, misinformation, or something that goes against your messages key values. That makes you a sellout and you will NOT retain traffic. If you go on my home page you will see a few banners from companies I love working with, but again, those may not work for the type of content you are creating. So be reasonable. It is not enough to just put up a banner and then watch the money roll in. Monetization takes special work, especially with the word Sex.
Writing content that people give a damn about is tough, even when your subject matter is titillating. And the major factor for this is people en masse are scared of sex. Individuals are typically rational, but group people in a room, and restrictions come at you from every angle. As a result, you will run into many issues when trying to spread your content. There are quite a few sites who won’t even take your money, or allow you to collect your hard earned dollars as a direct result of your subject matter. My biggest word of wisdom here is to read the fine print. Sure a site like Amazon may allow you sign up to be an affiliate, but if there is nudity anywhere, you are going to have a difficult time collecting your earnings. And that goes for all social media that you use. Understanding the restrictions is key to maximizing your influence (And no, I don’t mean be an influencer, but know your content may have an impact on someone so be mindful).
What has made me the most successful in getting noticed you may ask? The answer, is not caring what other people think and posting content that makes me feel like a whole human being. On each of my social media accounts I find meaning in actually connecting with people and not using it as just a platform to spam people with my words. There are quite a few studies right now to measure peoples happiness levels in conjunction to their social media usage and guys, I must say, there is a lot of truth to this. Whenever I portray myself as an object, or just a brand, I become miserable and need more and more frequent social media breaks. Whereas, when I am actively engaged, learning, reading others stuff, and building community I absolutely love it! So the takeaway, be mindful when you’re trying to get your work noticed. Don’t let the goal of becoming internet famous supersede your mental health. Better to have a few amazing fans, than a multitude of trolls.
Once you do find your stride, and have people who care enough to share, engage, or follow you, I highly recommend setting up a Patreon page. Without question, this has been the most rewarding experience for me. I cry (happy tears) with every new subscriber, even the ones who only pledge for a few hours. It’s incredible know that there are people out there who love your work enough to pledge a little bit of money to it. And with Patreon, you can make it your own and choose rewards that actually matter to your fans. I love the freedom of it all, and for me, I use it mostly to show off all the behind the scenes stuff I can’t put on my blog. But don’t let that sway you. Make your content anyway you choose!
When I first started blogging (My blogging reason), I used a free site with Blogspot. It was Google based and included SEO and rankings. It was a glorious. Then, tragedy struck. I gained a little bit of popularity and got flagged for my content. I had flown under the radar for years, even using adsense, but I think those days are pretty much over. With all the new restrictions and fears over sex, I quickly had to go self hosted, build a new site to maintain my own freedom of expression. It seemed like overnight I had to basically learn everything about building a site, hosting it, and my latest endeavor… SEO.
Honestly, for me, this is my current pet project. I spend a few minutes every day learning new tips/tricks to increase my organic views. And holy crap, the most interesting thing I have learned, is just how incredibly bad my blogspot site was! And how, in the blogging world, I have pretty much done everything wrong. Why do I share that? Because it is OK. I am learning from this, and I am so proud to have loyal readers who enjoyed my content even though the presentation was absolute garbage. So don’t feel bad, ever! If the content is something you take pride of, everything else will follow.
If you enjoyed this post, by all means, reach out! And if you have questions, want to start your own blog, or shift over to a self hosted site, I have written 3 sites which are live and am working on my fourth. If you need a graphic designer, I am currently working with one who is incredible and the perfect match for this sex positive blogger and her vision. Again, reach out. I would love to share my knowledge and help you succeed where I have failed, or in rare instances succeeded.
There is always more to learn, and I hope in a few years, I can write one of these with all the new lessons I have learned, because knowledge is power, and should always be shared!
When you have a society that deems sex as taboo or negative in general, people find some pretty clever ways to come out to each other on the down low. As you may have read in my post about Re-branding the term swingers, I talked about key parties, shag carpets, and the ways media has branded the swinger. Now let’s talk about a few of the more common swinger myths. And a huge thanks to @yycjfl_yycguy for being brave enough to ask “what is with the pineapple, flamingo, and gnome in the lifestyle.” So without further ado, let’s talk about some of the myths and tricks to spot a fellow non-monogamous person in the wild!
First up, is the pineapple. Legend has it, that if you are grocery
shopping and you are looking to get a few new sexy folks to join you for that
evening’s fondue, you would put a pineapple upside down in the top part of your
shopping cart. This would be a clear
sign to swingers that you and your spouse were looking to get some strange that
night and to come on over! Hot tub and
sexy times were sure to follow for those special people who were in the know.
Second, the flamingo. Often we see people celebrating an over the
hill birthday party get inundated with 40 pink flamingos in their yard as a
special shout out from their nearest and dearest. But what about that lonely solo flamingo? Is he there just a constant reminder that you
are getting older and wiser day by day?
Maybe not. In the world of the
non-monogamous, this could be a sign that a swinger does in fact live here. Doesn’t it have a nice ring? Pink flamingo and ready to mingle? I think so!
Third, the gnome. This creepy little yard ornament has for a
long time been the antique collectors pokemon go. Gotta collect them all! But for a few subdivisions in the states,
having a gnome on your front porch is a signal to neighbors that swingers are willing
and waiting inside. While this does not
seem to be one of the universal signs, it is one the stranger ones for me, as I
struggle to wrap my brain around one of those weirdly shaped statues representing
a callout for sexy times, but that could just be me.
Fourth, the black ring. Now this started as an urban myth, and has
actually gained quite a bit of popularity in the last few years. So much so, that a few companies are now
selling black couples rings to be worn on the right hand to signify a non-monogamous
pairing. This is a growing trend, and
one still has to be a little weary as many industrial industries require black
silicon rings for safety rather than metal to be worn. So you might not want to approach under the assumption
that just because it’s black, in means they are… well… I cannot come up with a catchy
rhyme right now, but you get the idea.
Overall, I think these little myths
and legends are a lot of fun to think about, and play around with. But as always, you must tread lightly, because
more often then not, these are just myths.
And while we try very hard to signal our sexy intent out in the wild,
these are not universally known and could get you into heaps of trouble if done
incorrectly. Or perhaps that’s just the
cautionary voice in me speaking out.
Maybe it’s time to just throw caution to the wind and display that cute
pink flamingo, standing beside a garden gnome, with my upside down pineapple
welcome mat, and the garage door open just a crack and a paper bag with a tea
light in it… and OK, I could go on and on here with all the various myths and
legends I have heard. The best way to
find someone? Join a facebook group,
check out a local swingers club, or find a non-monogamous social or munch. The best way after all will always be face to
face! Happy hunting!
Do you have a fun myth you would like included in this list? Share in the comments section, or reach out via twitter!
If you’re just here for the photos, or the behind the scenes content, sign up to my Patreon today!
One of my favorite blog posts is Something About Ducks, and the first time I thought about defining monogamy. It was short and sweet, but meaningful because I was able to have a frank discussion about monogamy with a family member, and then get to geek out a little with some science. So, may I present to you a comparative post discussing the definition of monogamy in humans and the animal kingdom, and how that interpretation impacts us. Don’t worry, I won’t geek out too hard, and if you stick around until the end, you will find the link for the sexy, behind the scenes pictures I keep reserved for fans only.
Let us start at the beginning, with the definition of
monogamy thanks to our lovely friends at Wikipedia: Monogamy is a form of
relationship in which an individual has only one partner during their lifetime,
or only one partner at a time (serial monogamy). And for a little fun, let’s compare to the definition
of monogamy in the animal kingdom: Monogamous pairing refers to the natural
history of mating systems in which species pair bond to raise offspring.
Did you catch that?
It turns out that the very definition of monogamy is different depending
on your species. We humans, adhere to a
very strict definition of monogamy, while our counterparts in the animal kingdom
are a little more fluid about it. In
fact, many species are by definition monogamously pair bonded even if during
the mating season one of them strays, so long as they return to continue raising
So why are humans so strict about monogamy, and yet so flexible when it comes to animals. Why are we OK with accepting animals doing what they do, behaving in a way that has obviously allowed them to survive, and even flourish, and yet, so critical of humans exhibiting the same behaviours? Why are we so adamant to separate ourselves from animalistic instinct to sleep with more than one person? Obviously we could blame many things here, religion, politicians, the battle of the sexes, and let’s not forget sexually transmitted diseases and genetic protection. But talking about genes, can I share one more thing that I learned in my rabbit hole quest for knowledge? That scientists are currently working to discover the neuro-molecular genes that may lead to monogamy in animals.
Can you imagine if they find an actual mechanism that predicts or determines if a person will be able to maintain monogamy or not? This may not just be something that people do because they were raised that way, or want to for their children, or even just by sheer force of will alone. It might actually be deeper rooted than that, it may turn out that we have genetic indicators to determine if we are supposed to be non-monogamous or a monogamous species. Watching researchers trace monogamy in invertebrates and seeing where we branch off, or takes turns, and then following those shifts absolutely fascinates me. It’s one thing to trace our human origins of non-monogamy in such amazing book as Sex at Dawn, but to delve even further, into our animal counterparts and discover genetic material and our actual make-up?
Honestly, the impacts of this make me super excited. Mixing science, and knowledge, and a subject
matter that has been my identity for what feels like a decade is just beyond…
well… I think I am going to go formulate a few more posts to follow this
up. The first thing that comes to mind
is the comparison between the young raising cycles of humans and animals. And of course how this duel definition could
impact our views of cheating, or infidelity.
The possibilities are endless with science at our side. So please, if you have any suggestions you would
like me to research or discuss feel free to share via Twitter or in the
comments section of this blog as I would love to hear from you!
And as promised, here is the link to my behind the scenes photos… enjoy!