A Man’s Nature

Please ladies don’t try and change your man.  I say this because it is an effort in futility.  I have hinted previously at this statement in earlier blogs but now I am going to come right out with it.  A man’s sexual preference is there for life, what gets him off at an early age becomes the blue print for the remainder of his life.  I heard an argument on “The Show” which is a Calgary radio station which put this so concisely. 

“Why are we hellbent on making the mistake of thinking these people can be rehabilitated? Wanamaker won’t change. He’ll continue to offend. Don’t ever let him out of jail. He has a sexual predilection for kids. Just like I have a predilection towards ladies and their lady parts.
Picture a world where heterosexuality is outlawed and I go to jail for the crime of being straight. After a ten year sentence and various rehabilitation programs I face the parole board of particularly fashionable gentlemen and athletic women and swear to them that I’m no threat at all to the vagine of the world. They let me go…
Guess what I’m gonna do first… get hip deep in trouble.
Because sex is sex and we all want it in one form or another. Wanamaker just happens to want it with little kids. Curing that is impossible.”

So if it is in a man’s nature then why do so many women waste their time and effort trying to change a man?  We need to find a livable way to accept their make-up and urges.  But more than that, we need to open up communication to discuss the sometimes hurt and pain that this causes a relationship.  I am very accepting of most things but at times there is pain or emotions and the isolation in accepting the man for being a man can be overwhelming.  

There was a quote on Weeds, that basically said, “It’s not that he doesn’t love you, it’s just that men love variety”.  But that doesn’t always make it easy or OK.  What it does mean though is that if you try and change that out of a man you are weakening him and taking the masculinity out of him.  Men like what they like, and that’s all there is to it.  

We are so lucky, as women, that we can change and adapt to our sexual desires and we change our perception and wants with age and societal influences.  Men do not have this luxury, they are what they are.  So as hard as it can be not pressure them to fit into the cookie cutter mould of what your mother expects lets be brave and let them be.  Maybe we will be happier in long run.  Get through the pain and heartache together but be stronger for the amazing men in our lives. 

Sex is Just Sex?

Sex is a subject that bears with it great emotion.  I know that statement goes without saying but I thought it was worth stating.  I have a lot of emotion attached with sex and have often found that the height of my need to say loving words is during this intimate event.  Afterwards though I have an odd relief that I kept my mouth shut and that realization that the physical is just physical overrides.  I wonder if I am alone in this?  Passion overtakes the rational at moments of weakness and sex certainly is one of those moments.  So where does that leave us? In the end sex can be physical, emotional, or at times both.  Where do we draw that line?

As a relationship progresses the desire for the emotions I find becomes stronger outside the physical act and to me that is where love really begins.  Love is growth, a bond and understanding of people with the desire to support each others goals.  Or to quote the dictionary:


 [luhv] Show IPA noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.

But wait, how exactly does point three come into play?  Isn’t that the definition for sex and not love?  If even the dictionary cannot keep these terms and definitions clear for the English speakers than how exactly are we to keep these things clear and level headed? To me there is a great difference between sex and love.

I know a couple who are very career oriented people and are living abroad.  They have been together for quite a long time, and being career oriented there was some long distance elements to their relationship.  When one or the other would have to come home to Canada to visit family or take additional courses the understanding was always that yes they would have physical needs apart.  And that was absolutely OK with both parties.  To go out and have a casual night here or there was almost encouraged as both parties were doing the same.  This couple has been together for many years and have just welcomed their first child.  This child is being born to two very successful parents in the most loving and forward thinking environment that I have seen.

Now I will admit that when I first was told of the understanding this couple had I was very judgmental about the whole arrangement. I kept my mouth shut and supported my friends but I often wish I would have asked more questions from the couple.  It didn’t seem like being open or discussing was even a possibility.  It was their life and they could live it how they chose as long as I didn’t have to ever lie about what I knew.  This vow let me sleep at night, but something just didn’t seem right.  The most odd thing is that I had completely forgotten about this whole situation until a few days ago.  I have been writing this blog for over a month looking for real life scenarios and one was right under my nose the whole time.

This gives me a lot of hope.  That I could forget that this was even a point of some discomfort for me.  That my opinionated little self could look past their actions and support their new family with open arms.  This blog could one day be the norm and not need to be discussed and brought to the surface of our awareness.  That sex can be sex and that a relationship can be so much more than that. 

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Just Live

“There is something infantile in the presumption that somebody else has a responsibility to give your life meaning and point… The truly adult view, by contrast, is that our life is as meaningful, as full and as wonderful as we choose to make it.” Richard Dawkins (The God Delusion)  Although this quote was written directly against using God or Gods to guide your life, I believe that this quote has so many applications to ones happiness. I have written specifically about my view to not live life with regret.  Taking responsibility for your own life and the way you live it goes hand in hand.

When I am on my deathbed,  I want to clearly understand that I lived my life with as much happiness and fulfillment as humanly possible.  I do not ever want to be in a position to say, that so and so treated me badly and held me back.  I have heard time and time again that God has judged my friends and that they feel that they let him down.  But what does that really mean?  Are they just to afraid to admit that they let themselves down, or that they did something that made them feel great and are afraid to admit it? Some of the things I have written on my blog so far, I do not think I would be very pleased if my grandparents read it. 

There is a generational gap and a respect that I have for them, also there are just some things that I would not feel comfortable discussing.  I do have to catch my self either over censoring myself or under censoring myself knowing that I do have family members that read this occasionally.  In the long run it does work to keep me honest about everything written.  I will look back with pride that these are truly my thoughts on specific subjects and I can back the information up with knowledge and research.

My dear readers with any religious affiliations, all I can say is please live your lives to please yourself.  Whether God exists or not, you live with you.  Make yourself happy, and know that when you die it will not be God giving your eulogy, it will be your peers and family members.  In a perfect world, we would not need religion to govern the masses and their behaviors.  There would be a free flowing system of ideas and thoughts, and criticism would lead to debates and more research not violence.  I welcome feedback and criticism when it comes to my views on sex and relationships.  Sometimes even male perspective is appreciated.

The F&%* Buddy

Firstly I am very excited that this in my first post as a result of a request, which you can e-mail me for.  Some subjects come very naturally to me, but this one is trial and error, (not just my own trials either, I am a great listener and observer).  Firstly, you must not develop feelings other than friendship for the partner.  Secondly, be as open about the situation as possible, lay ground rules for the arrangement and be clear about the intentions.  Thirdly, long term doesn’t work! Keep it short, with a time line for ending things in mind, whether this is accomplished by having a few partners on rotation or making it just a 3 week fling.

If you break rule number one, make a clean break as quickly as possible as there is no going back.  One man fell hard for me after only a few times together, and proposed that we start a family based on feelings of lust.  I severed things immediately afterwards but it took a very long time to even get a friendship back.  On the other hand, I have done the falling and first hand I can tell you that it is necessary to back right off and ensure those feelings do not ever come through.  In both my experiences the communication was not clear, and there was no end date, so there was fancy footwork and fast talking needed to ensure that the friendships remained in tact. 

We are all adults and there is no reason I see that sex cannot be a natural expression of being human.  But please show sympathy if the partner shows any feelings outside of your shared moments of lust.  Either try and communicate clearly point number two about the ground rules and your current needs, or you will have to end things very quickly and swiftly.  Dragging out anything is cruel and there will be no way to ever run into the person again, or worse, a nice little stalker might be the result.

The only exception to following the 3 rules above is if with open communication and both parties on board, you try and make an actual go at a relationship.  If not keep it simple, and know that however hard, it will end.  How it ends, is all up to both partners and keeping open about the situation only.  Please never lead a person on to hope that this can continue long term when it can’t.

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Who Doesn’t Love Boobs?

I am a straight woman who loves men very much, but honestly I think it’s universally accepted that humanity loves boobs.  Men try not to oggle at that rack walking down the street, and woman look on with envious eyes.  The mesmerizing effect that the chest is challenged by very little else.  It is the power card women have over their male counterpart, boobs trump almost anything.

And this is the very reason that they are feared.  That men in power have tried many ways to repress and keep women in their place, pregnant, and barefoot in the kitchen.  Muslim women covered head to toe in cloth, or skirts past ones ankles in Mennonite colonies.  I am not a feminist or perhaps not a writer of feminist material, but I am against repression of any kind and after much research I am lead to believe that religion has done more to repress the feminine wiles than anything else out there.

I understand that the topic is up for some debate, but there is much research out there by such authors as Baigent, and Jordan which debate the most effective form of repression in woman today.  Turning Mary Magdalene, from a historically accurate wife (Jesus), to that of a prostitute.  Religious men are so fearful of a woman’s power that they change history to suit their needs, in this case, keeping a very powerful woman below the men around her.

There is so much ancient script where woman could almost reach godly status in their tribe or village.  Woman played key roles in ceremonies and the management of their people.  Why did men turn from adoring their women, to changing history and mandating dress code as forms of oppression?  It’s an unfortunate reality that in the 60’s a law needed to be passed that if a woman did the same work as a man, she had to be paid the same.  The legal world had to step up and force the populous to give fair wages.  Our elected governing body had more common sense than the entity so many out there entrust their immortal souls to, the church.

The bottom line though is that boobs get their way in many situations and men have little willpower against it.  Religion has guided so many in the direction of gender separation that I am hard pressed to find a religious male out there who knows how the female should be treated.  Either the woman is forced down, or put upon a pedestal possibly out of guilt?  I personally have hidden my own chest many times as I wanted to be judged for my wit and not the cleavage.  So I suppose even I am not yet past religions hold on societal views.  I hope someday woman can be proud to use their assets to benefit both themselves and that of the people around them without shame or judgement.  For now though, as long as we keep educating ourselves and asking why do we do the things we do, we can gain a complete understanding and make the changes necessary to ensure equality.

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