One of the tenants of the swinger lifestyle is that you don’t make friends swingers, you make swingers friends. While I don’t of course agree with rules such as these, it is does lead itself into an interesting discussion that I have over the years, and now that I am little less shy sharing my blog with friends the frequency is increasing. There are a growing number of people who have concerns with how to act around me after they have seen me naked. If you don’t already know, I used to put a lot of naked photos on my blog (which are still up if you want to do some digging), and now I have a Patreon page for those more “titillating” photos that helps fund my writing and future endeavours. While I would love to have people on the lower tiers, simply supporting my work, the reality is, I have pretty much all my support on the top two tiers which ranges from pg13 to R rated content. But they are exclusively strangers, which begs the question, can you handle seeing your friends naked?
Now, here is the thing. I am open. I live my life as I see fit, with an open relationship, combined with the openness of my sexuality, and freedom of expression. I choose what goes out into the world and I love what I do. However, when people that I work with, socialize with, or even just have mutual acquaintances with find my blog or photos I ultimately will receive some pretty interesting messages (which makes me wonder all the things I don’t hear). The common theme is that they don’t want me to feel uncomfortable with them looking at me, or knowing what I look like without my clothes on.
I could play Freud here, and psycho analyze what this really
says about them, etc, but I am not going to do that. Instead, I am going to speak to the
peculiarity of the situation this puts me in.
I create public content and I have it available to everyone. So to me, that pretty much states that I am
fine with anyone in my network or outside of it consuming the content
within. In fact, it is beyond flattering
and so very appreciated that my loved ones would actually put a little money into
my pocket or a tip here and there. But
with these initial messages, I find myself in a place where I can either try
and sell the work, coerce people to look, share, support, or whatnot but often
I feel it’s only appropriate to talk them out of looking at it. No, I don’t mean in a reverse psychology sort
of way either.
Why do I talk them out of it sometimes? Because our society, as a whole, doesn’t seem
ready to embrace nudity. We directly
correlate the nude body with sex, and then that intertwines feelings that are much
more primal than our day to day interaction with peers allows. Can I see a male naked and then talk to them
like a normal human being the next day?
Sometimes yes, sometimes I will blush a little first, and then be able
to chat with them. There is nothing inherently
wrong with that, but I understand how it could be uncomfortable for some, or
just too far outside of their comfort zone to come to terms with. And look at that, I tried not to analyze, yet
here we are. It’s a puzzling conundrum and
one that I totally empathize with. If you’re
not able to separate nudity from sex, that is totally cool. I was raised with open nudity in my household
and it just feels really natural to walk around naked, but I realize that is
not the norm, and I would never want to force my content on anyone.
But to those who worry I might feel weird or judge the people who take a look please know this, my content is out there. Embrace it. Enjoy it. We are adults and I love what I do. I enjoy getting feedback (in a sex positive manor mind you, not an objectifying creepy way), and I love that I have received such gracious support from so many of you. So, ask yourself this, would seeing me naked change our friendship in anyway for you? And if so, why would that be? And if you’re brave, I would love to read the conclusions you come up with!
And if you’re curious about the behind the scenes photos, click here!
Aka: Want to Start a Sex Blog? A Few Tips/Tricks and Mistakes I Have Made Blogging about Breaking Away From Monogamy
I started blogging in the summer of 2011 because I had a personal mission to work through a major problem I was facing in my life, and in my overconfident brain I figured a few people would be curious about the subject matter: non-monogamy. When I wrote my first post, as I’m sure a few of you have, it was from a place of heartbreak. I was motivated by a single thought, which was simply to write my story. As a result, I did zero research into making a blog readable, successful, profitable, or even clickable or shareable. I basically went in blind, thinking my clear mission statement would be enough for everything else to fall into place, whatever that ended up being. It turns out, it wasn’t. So let me share with you a few practical tips that I have learned over the years, often as a result of going in the completely wrong direction, and wherever I can, I will post practical links that will actually help you, especially if you want to talk about things that are taboo (affiliate links will be a part of this post, and do help me earn a small commission to cover my hosting fees, but I will get more into that shortly).
First things first, the reason this post is a little different to many “how do I write a blog post” is that I am gearing this towards taboo subject matter and the specific hurdles when you write about the word sex. So let’s get started with the first lesson I learned: Anonymity
Picking Your Name or Title
When I first got started, I used an alias, as so many out there choose to do. The thing was, I picked an alias that is in a language foreign to many of my readers. I chose, @k-ghislaine (which you can easily click to follow me on Twitter), and while it is meaningful to me, it is completely unsearchable, pronounceable, and instantly I created a situation where I would have to self-promote everything I put out. Now this was a choice I made consciously, and thought it would protect my work/life/relationship status. However, with that being the focus, what did I immediately do? Oh that’s right, I mass e-mailed the link to everyone in my address book, and posted the blog link on Facebook, under my own personal account. The take away? Choose your target, and decide how you are going to use your blog, podcast, or whatever medium that shares your unique message. And think beyond the heartache towards the scale-ability factor because you never know where something like this may take you. And this holds true for your blogs name, domain, and basically every social media handle you choose, so choose wisely.
Sex Positive Monetization
I have zero doubt that this is the main reason that you are reading this post. And the thing about this is, I am in no way pro yet. I make enough to cover all my fees incurred, and occasionally a little more. My blog, has always be like a journal for me, where if it makes a little that’s a bonus, but if not, that’s totally OK too, I will still blog. That being said, I know how daunting it can be to start researching ways to actually monetize your content, especially if you have nudity, talk about anything taboo, or dare I say, use the word sex in any way shape or form. When you get started, you are faced with a zillion and one hurdles, especially once you start reading the fine print on all the monetization sites available or affiliate programs that mainstream content creators have access to. Please don’t let that get you down, you still have options, it just might take a little more work.
One of the first paths I took that actually generated a little financial interest in my blog was doing a sex toy review. And not just any toy, a couple’s toy! Honestly, it was a lot of fun. I loved the anticipation of waiting for the new toy, testing it out, and ultimately writing the post. I totally understand the appeal of it, and would happily do one again in the future. But I would caution you about one thing, things are changing with toy reviews. You are very limited as to the pictures you take, where you can share them on social media, and the biggest reason I don’t do many is the competition aspect. There are so many incredible toy reviewers out there and honestly, I don’t feel like I offer anything unique to that discussion. In summary, product reviews are amazing, just make sure you offer something new, exciting, or unique to your audience or you will not retain them.
The second path I took, and take, is writing sponsored posts, or paid blogs for other sites. This is my clear favorite, as I love the exposure and the community building this brings. Ultimately, my goals are different than many out there, but if you really hustle to create incredible content, this works really well. There are some incredible resources out there when it comes to pitching, and if you would like me to share some insight on my techniques feel free to comment or reach out to me via whichever social media you found me on!
And finally the third, which is affiliate links (Such as this one for lube, sex toys, and condoms!) . Now these can be tricky to find for those who talk about sex in any depth beyond what I do. The reason I notice that is I have always walked a fine line between education and sharing sexy adventures. And that is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to banners or links that will actually pay me out. If you write sexualized content, you can find affiliate links on toy sites, P&%N pages, and with other promoters of the more XXX content. If you simply try to educate, you can find safe sex banners, STD testing sites, and that sort of thing. The key here, is to think outside of the box. What does your site say, and what products would you be happy to buy yourself and then promote? So, reach out to known sex positive industries, or sign up to affiliate sites specifically catered to sex and industry. There are a few out there, you just have to be a little savvy when searching them. And please, for the love of all that is holy, research the company first. It’s not worth making big bucks if your spreading hate, misinformation, or something that goes against your messages key values. That makes you a sellout and you will NOT retain traffic. If you go on my home page you will see a few banners from companies I love working with, but again, those may not work for the type of content you are creating. So be reasonable. It is not enough to just put up a banner and then watch the money roll in. Monetization takes special work, especially with the word Sex.
Writing content that people give a damn about is tough, even when your subject matter is titillating. And the major factor for this is people en masse are scared of sex. Individuals are typically rational, but group people in a room, and restrictions come at you from every angle. As a result, you will run into many issues when trying to spread your content. There are quite a few sites who won’t even take your money, or allow you to collect your hard earned dollars as a direct result of your subject matter. My biggest word of wisdom here is to read the fine print. Sure a site like Amazon may allow you sign up to be an affiliate, but if there is nudity anywhere, you are going to have a difficult time collecting your earnings. And that goes for all social media that you use. Understanding the restrictions is key to maximizing your influence (And no, I don’t mean be an influencer, but know your content may have an impact on someone so be mindful).
What has made me the most successful in getting noticed you may ask? The answer, is not caring what other people think and posting content that makes me feel like a whole human being. On each of my social media accounts I find meaning in actually connecting with people and not using it as just a platform to spam people with my words. There are quite a few studies right now to measure peoples happiness levels in conjunction to their social media usage and guys, I must say, there is a lot of truth to this. Whenever I portray myself as an object, or just a brand, I become miserable and need more and more frequent social media breaks. Whereas, when I am actively engaged, learning, reading others stuff, and building community I absolutely love it! So the takeaway, be mindful when you’re trying to get your work noticed. Don’t let the goal of becoming internet famous supersede your mental health. Better to have a few amazing fans, than a multitude of trolls.
Once you do find your stride, and have people who care enough to share, engage, or follow you, I highly recommend setting up a Patreon page. Without question, this has been the most rewarding experience for me. I cry (happy tears) with every new subscriber, even the ones who only pledge for a few hours. It’s incredible know that there are people out there who love your work enough to pledge a little bit of money to it. And with Patreon, you can make it your own and choose rewards that actually matter to your fans. I love the freedom of it all, and for me, I use it mostly to show off all the behind the scenes stuff I can’t put on my blog. But don’t let that sway you. Make your content anyway you choose!
When I first started blogging (My blogging reason), I used a free site with Blogspot. It was Google based and included SEO and rankings. It was a glorious. Then, tragedy struck. I gained a little bit of popularity and got flagged for my content. I had flown under the radar for years, even using adsense, but I think those days are pretty much over. With all the new restrictions and fears over sex, I quickly had to go self hosted, build a new site to maintain my own freedom of expression. It seemed like overnight I had to basically learn everything about building a site, hosting it, and my latest endeavor… SEO.
Honestly, for me, this is my current pet project. I spend a few minutes every day learning new tips/tricks to increase my organic views. And holy crap, the most interesting thing I have learned, is just how incredibly bad my blogspot site was! And how, in the blogging world, I have pretty much done everything wrong. Why do I share that? Because it is OK. I am learning from this, and I am so proud to have loyal readers who enjoyed my content even though the presentation was absolute garbage. So don’t feel bad, ever! If the content is something you take pride of, everything else will follow.
If you enjoyed this post, by all means, reach out! And if you have questions, want to start your own blog, or shift over to a self hosted site, I have written 3 sites which are live and am working on my fourth. If you need a graphic designer, I am currently working with one who is incredible and the perfect match for this sex positive blogger and her vision. Again, reach out. I would love to share my knowledge and help you succeed where I have failed, or in rare instances succeeded.
There is always more to learn, and I hope in a few years, I can write one of these with all the new lessons I have learned, because knowledge is power, and should always be shared!
Can I confess something to you? Well, here goes, I just celebrated a milestone birthday, aka, reaching my mid 30’s. And here’s the thing, for the first time, I am struggling with it, because I am really feeling my age. Not in the aches and pain sort of way, but rather, in the realization that youth is fleeting (which is in striking contrast to what I felt when I wrote this). While I fully accept my body just the way it is, I am suddenly coming to terms with the reality that others may not. And while, I know this sounds incredibly superficial, being regarded as attractive matters to me.
I wish so badly that it didn’t. I wish that I could just go out into the world not giving a damn what people think 100 percent of the time, but honestly, I do care. Every so often, this weird feeling overtakes me where I am not sure how I am portraying myself to my friends or even those around me. Again, I want so badly to spout off about how looks don’t matter, and it’s what’s inside that really counts. But if I’m being honest, first impressions do matter. How you look, smell, smile, or even just carry yourself can make a lasting imprint on a person. And I cannot help but worry that as I age, I may have to put more effort into ensuring that I project the image that I want. That statement alone puzzles me, with deep conflicting emotions of wanting a devil may care attitude, but also, craving a little bit of attention from time to time.
Now is the perfect time to start your own self-hosted blog or website. By using this affiliate link you get an amazing deal and support this website, win/win.
Take for example, an event that happened on my birthday, which might better illuminate where I am at right now. I have a friend that I find quite attractive (OK I actually have quite a few because honestly I love my inner circle to pieces), but for this story let`’s just focus on the one. He`’s a man that I would find myself quite attracted to if things were a little different, ie valuing the friendship far more than incorporating anything sexual. Yes, that is a mutual thing, and not some cheesy friendzone nonsense. For me, a friendship with this guy just makes complete sense and anything physical just wouldn`’t. But in a moment of drunkenness, he mentioned something off the cuff about me being gorgeous, as an almost afterthought during a conversation where I was trying to figure out which of the fine ladies at our table he was most interested in so I could encourage him.
Booze was a factor, and we have never talked about attractiveness prior to this, so while I could completely be missing the mark about context here, those words were uttered. And without rhyme or reason I found myself awash with this complete wave of relief. Sweet, a friend I find attractive thinks I am attractive too. That`’s awesome, quick mental high five, and I happily went on with my night. But days later that`’s where I find myself in a bit of a conundrum. Why was just being friends with this guy not enough? Why did it take him telling me I was attractive to give me that additional validation of our friendship? Why did I feel that incredible wave of relief?
Again, this isn’t one of those posts where I really want to sleep with the guy. This has nothing to do with sexual chemistry, but instead everything to do with some innate desire to be viewed as sexy by those around me. I guess it’s just startling that I have not yet grown out of that phase of my life. I genuinely wanted to be the lady in red, when I was in my early 20’s. That woman who would walk into a room and turn everyone’s head. Why? I just cannot describe exactly why, because the reality is, if that ever happened I would turn beet red, be overcome with emotion and either start giggling or crying. But again, reaching 35, I sincerely wonder, if I have missed my chance to turn all the heads in a room. Was that a mere fantasy of youth? Are these moments of feeling sexy going to become less frequent? Am I seriously going to have to start doing yoga and taking care of my body on a daily base now? Do I just have to accept that I am always going to have this superficial urge to wow people from time to time and that’s just part of who I am? Perhaps though putting a little extra effort in now isn’t this horrible beast of an idea…? Oh how I wish my looks didn’t matter on the level they do.
Want to see the rest of the red corset photo shoot? Check out my Patreon page!
During the month of April (For Twitter users) there is a very sexy and fun hashtag called #30daysoflingerie. I was super excited when I found it, late of course, but I joined it anyways. I figured it would be an incredibly fun way to connect with sexy people and show off a little. And it started as just that, finding lingerie, taking selfies and posting to twitter. And I had the added fun of sending the best ones to my partner (who is not on twitter) for a little extra hint of exhibitionism. I was part of a group and it felt exhilarating to share my sexy side in a way that was outside of my blog or Patreon. And my followers for the most part were super supportive and extremely welcoming of this little bit extra.
So, all was fun and games, right up until post 10, and that’s when I learned a hard, but valuable lesson. I do not like aggression, and I absolutely loath it from women. Yup, I went ahead and said it. Being exposed to highly aggressive people, especially in a sexualized environment where I already feel vulnerable and exposed will and did push me over the edge. As a result, I have officially quit playing the game that I was originally so excited about. But I learned I a great lesson about what I find attractive and can now better articulate something that really turns me off.
I am turned on by assertive, and confident people. I want to surround myself with them both in and out of the bedroom because they challenge me to be better. And I love that feeling of intellectual discourse blended with a person who knows what they want and are not afraid to ask for it. And further to that, I get instantly wet if the person they want, is me. Being wanted by someone I prize is indeed a sexual high point for me. Oh swoon, that, and that alone… Ok I need a moment. Phew… back on track here.
There is a line between aggression and assertiveness, and after this hashtag I forced myself to analyze exactly what crossing the line really meant to me. I have been put off before, but could never quite articulate what the turnoff was, well, until now. Unprompted crass or crude behaviour, and or the encouragement of negativity, are the two main things that stand out after a few days of soul searching and analysis.
Let me explain. I do not find strangers demanding that I give them more, or brag that they would get me off in heartbeat if they were in my bed to be a turn on. Nor, does an aggressive proclamation of just where they would stick it if I spread my legs wider for them garnish any type of arousal. It does not encourage me to take sexier pictures, in fact, quite the opposite. Being objectified that roughly, makes me want to stop showing off altogether. I like light, sexy, playful and flirty when it comes to text and in person conversations of a sexual nature. And I love being told that an image of mine is driving someone wild, or they can’t wait to get home to their partners as a result. That is the line of what makes a turn on for me and why I show off, knowing my images are having a positive affect. So crude objectification, in my books, is bad, and not sexy.
Now onto the point of encouraging bad behaviour or negative emotions. First, I don’t equate sex with being bad or naughty. For my personal sex life, I love passion and fun above all other things. And to the point of this blog, I don’t ever want to feel dirty or used by some random internet stranger. It is vulgar to me. So that’s why I post pictures that I feel are pretty, or artistic or just really freaking hot to me. That’s my prerogative when it comes to sex. There are no mixed messages here, and nothing in my language that is up for negotiation. Any rough play, or BDSM, is the one place that is completely private for me and off limits to the public. I require complete trust in this regard and obviously there is no trust present with internet strangers. And if you’ve met me in person, while very open, you know I speak my mind, within the firm boundaries I have put in place. I know many people get turned on by raunchy and dirty language, and I in no way am trying to shame those people. Just simply stating that it doesn’t work for me. I don’t need a bunch of strangers objectifying me to get off. I have a fabulous sex life, and writing my blog, posting pictures and showing off on Patreon are simply an extension of that. If I wanted to be spoken to dirty, I promise you, I would ask. Until that time, remember you are on a public forum, and you’re not nearly as anonymous as you think you are.
And that’s a great segue way into the second component of this, internet strangers trying to encourage negative behaviour in me. Reading that a person wants to get me angry or riled up so I post more dirty pictures is quite off putting, especially from a woman. Part of the reason I specify women here, is that with a man, I feel comfortable calling them out, or muting or even blocking if they don’t learn their lesson. With a woman though, I can’t quite let go of my biases with regards to not looking like a bitch, or perceived as such by other females. So I let it slide, or nervously giggle even though I’m enraged and disgusted. Again, I know it’s sexist, but with men I can handle shutting them down, but women, I just want to crawl into a hole and avoid the entire encounter. I have troubles rationalizing why anyone would feed off of negativity or want more of it. It is a complete libido killer to me, and that’s where I find myself right now. The lingerie challenge has lost its appeal for me. I have encountered some incredibly aggressive women who made me feel uncomfortable and dirty. And rather than deal with it, I have chosen to stop playing. My terms, my choice.
But I don’t regret the lessons I have learned from the experience. I know more about my turn ons and turn offs as a direct result of this hashtag and my involvement in it. And I want to make my final statement very clear, I am writing this post, for me and my sexuality. I am not in anyway asking anyone to change or modify their behaviours because everyone’s sexuality and turn ons are unique. We aren’t born with a user manual of sexual attraction, and in this case, I learned more about myself by putting my images out there, than I would have by just avoiding. But I know when to quit. When things aren’t fun anymore, and the lessons have been learned, it’s time to move on. So thanks to the wonderful and amazing people that discovered me while doing this challenge, I hope you stick around, but if not, no hard feelings. It was fun while it lasted.
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I was sent a very click bait titled article yesterday from a friend of mine, called “Asking if Women are Ill Suited to Monogamy”. I was intrigued none the less, and thankful that he vetted the article before sending it and had warned me that the title was deceptive and the contents were well worth the read. If you’re listening to the audio, I highly recommend pausing and clicking on the article that I’ve linked here. Ok, has everyone read it? Perfect.
So here is a common narrative that many would agree is promoted in our society; that women are considered the driving force behind monogamy, and wants to settle down for a variety of reasons including the “parental investment theory”. And this goes hand in hand with the “good girl” vernacular that has been re-enforced throughout the generations. I was definitely raised and fully conditioned to believe this, hook, line and sinker. In fact, I not only believed it, but I even tried to take monogamy to the extreme, by choosing a man who was my first, and only sexual partner to marry. And thus I was so taken in by the one and only for life reasoning that not even my imagination was safe to wander. For a seemingly extreme example when I was monogamous, I felt overwhelming guilt anytime someone other than my boyfriend would pop into my head during a sex dream. It was so ingrained in me that I would try and force myself to think of him as I fell asleep to try and prevent anyone else from sneaking in there during my deepest dreams. And I think that may be why I started to dream I was a man, who slept with a bunch of women. My dream state wanted to explore and was going to find every single loophole it could to accomplish that. But we will save Freud and dream analysis for another time.
And that’s just one example of what indoctrination can do to a person, even something a seemingly innocuous as monogamy. And just one of the many instances that I look back upon my time in monogamy and realize it just wasn’t for me. But getting back to the article, the suggestion is that non-monogamy may be the cure for low libido with a focus on women. That there is evidence to suggest when women fantasize about other men, their sex drive increases. Thus, making the current female monogamy narrative seem more like a myth. Are our libidos and this relationship norm actually at odds? It’s certainly an interesting subject. And one that I am excited to explore further.
So, for my perspective in all of this, I have to be completely honest that while my mental well being is much better off being non-monogamous and my fantasies and dream state far more satisfying, my sex drive has not actually changed. I have always had a higher than average sex drive. So, I cannot entirely relate to the notion of sex dropping off by nearly 40 percent when in a long term monogamous relationship. Having said that, there is ample evidence that this is the standard norm and I do hear it often enough from friends and clients. So, as I’m starting to get a little more used to, I may again be the outlier so we have to discount my personal experience for the time being.
Because women are taught that sex always dies in the end, and thus marrying your best friend is the most important criteria for a long lasting marriage, there has been more comradery in sexual bedroom death rather than addressing it as an issue. And this has also legitimized the false notion that men are more sexual than women. It is such an important realization to acknowledge that there may be a problem with reduced sex drive in women and then be forced to look beyond a magic blue pill to fix that. And further to start exploring social factors including more variety of partners just like we have been lead to believe men require for so long. The fact that we are bridging the gender gap in sexuality is incredible, by exploring a female’s sexual experience and not just the males? I am so pleased with the questions beyond the quick fixes.
So, while I love the thought provoking points I really want to caution my readers in regards to the last paragraph in the referenced article. The author is surmising that women are going to become more masculine in their sexuality, and by that she says we will see “more women getting laid and leaving, having sex without wanting to bond, more girls up in their rooms clicking on their computer and masturbating before they get started on their homework.” I personally think it’s a huge mistake to call these behaviours masculine or feminine. If your sexuality allows for less of an emotional bond with sex, we should not conclude you are more masculine. Nor should we surmise that masturbating to release an itch before work, or a project is gender specific. It’s a harmful narrative to promote. We cannot educate in a sex positive way by relegating sexuality to gender or boxes like that. Instead we need to promote more fluidity. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I tried to force my brain to dream in a way that was socially acceptable to monogamy, and my brain broke free… continually. So with that in mind, we don’t want to make the mistake of shifting our thought process from one gender to the next. Instead we must explore sexuality as a whole, or whenever possible, on an individual basis.
So to all my readers, give yourselves permission to explore your sexuality in a way that excites you and makes you feel like a complete being, to whatever end brings you joy. If living a narrative of monogamy makes you feel complete and satisfied by all means keep doing what you’re doing. And if you have an itch that may need scratching, talk to your partner, and see if there is a way that you can incorporate fantasy or reality into your life. You no longer have to accept that long term commitments will inevitably leave you without a satisfying sex life. We are living in exciting times, where articles like this are being written and researched, allowing us to break free of ingrained social narratives and become just a little more aware that being the “good girl” isn’t always the answer and does not always mean you are going to live happily, sexually satisfied, ever after.
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