Just Be Nice!

Just be nice!

If you read my post about the nice guy, you will get a glimpse into why I run very far away from any guy who claims to be one of the nice ones.  So if guys who claim to be nice, really aren’t, why is it that I constantly see people give the advice that it is better to just be nice?  The honest truth is the day I broke away from striving to just being a nice person, my life started to improve.  Why?  Because nice is boring.  Nice, is plain, and is just not an authentic state of being.  Nice, is façade.

By not being nice, I have maintained my position of having clear, calm, and level headed responses in my day to day life.  I am not striving to just placate the masses, instead I am living my authentic self.  Kill the world with kindness we shout from the rafters… Well no!  I don’t want to kill anyone.  I don’t want to live striving to rise up to an impossible ideal.  Who do you know in history who is remembered for just being nice?  And no, that statement is not made because I am trying to become famous.  We shouldn’t live trying to all make a mark on the world, but it should give you pause, what are we hoping to achieve as a society by being nice?

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I don’t want anything to do with a nice guy, and in turn, I don’t want to just be a nice person myself.  I am comfortable being assertive, driven, and someone with goals and aspirations.  I know, I will not crush anyone to get what I want, but I also won’t sacrifice my desires just to please someone else.  I, have had many relationships whereby I tried to just please the other person, especially work relationships.  Always trying to be the do-gooder, striving to get ahead by always being the person that could be counted on, sacrificing my own time, mental health, and energy for someone eles’ dream or business.  You know where that left me?  Drained, isolated, and oddly guilty. 

Saying no, should not affect how people perceive you.  It should not make you bitch, or an asshole.  And yet, we constantly tell people that they should be nice.  Just play along, don’t make a fuss, or go with the flow.  Well, quite frankly that is bullshit.  And in non-monogamy, some of my worst moments are from me just being nice and letting things happen. 

So, after ranting for a few paragraphs, let me get to the crux of this.  I am supremely nervous, talking to women, and showing my assertive nature.  I will not play nice, or pretend to be all sweet, and kind, just to get a female to talk to me.  I won’t say what they want to hear, nor will I just placate them.  With all that being said, I will be my funny, engaging, and optimistic self.  I am good natured, easy going, and I like being around me, so there is that… haha!  And yes, I will share with you all how this works out for me.  I am fairly confident though, that I will not meet anyone of quality and substance by taking the cliché advice of just being nice.  

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Struggling with Bi-Curious Curiosity

Clarity from Yoga

I really want to start talking about being bi-curious and non-monogamous a bit more, but I am struggling to do so.  Why is that?  Two-fold.  I am not prepared for the creepy backlash, and I am terrified of kissing a girl and not liking it.  What if the fantasy doesn’t meet up to the expectation?  Then what?  Am I now one of those women who became a cock tease (or the equivalent non gender specific)?  And what if I do like it? Am I suddenly expected to hook every partner up with threesomes?  Is my intimacy now on public display?  It is overwhelming all the cons, and basically, it is because of how men have conditioned me.  And I take full responsibility for that, I am an adult after all.  But any sort of female exploration has always come with “can I watch?”  “Can you bring her home” “this can be our treat” or any other exploitative things I have heard over my many sexual years.  Why the fuck would my exploration have to include anyone else?  And further, why do men constantly ask the most invasive questions?  Do they not know how it makes us feel, how it makes me feel?  How it destroys us, little by little?

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No, they don’t.  Because we don’t tell them.  And if by the off chance we have had enough, and do, then we are bitches and worse.  Men and women struggle to communicate because men push too hard, and women fold too often.  But I digress, with all the cons, there is a real struggle, in that, I don’t know if I am ready to go on a date with a woman.  What can I offer her?  My confusion?  My trepidation?  My insecurities?  I know first hand that that is not attractive!  And it does not lend well to small talk, necessary to going out on that first date.  Women are bolder online than they are in person (huge generalization but based on personal experience).  A female will ask straight up, what are your intentions online.  And I balk at my answer, of, I don’t have a clue.  I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, but I also want to get out there and see.

Will writing this post get me out there?  I have no clue.  Has it helped me solidify what I want?  Not even close.  This was simply putting out into the universe that I am currently confused.  I am searching for something, but don’t quite know what that is.  I love the idea of dating couples with my partner, but the reality is that is lacking right now.  So, do I venture out there, alone?  I ponder this, as I slowly sip my beer and write more erotica than ever before…

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Exploring Fluidity Through Erotica Fantasy Writing

Gender Fluid

When I made the decision to start focusing on writing as more than just a hobby, I quickly realized that I needed to have creative outlet which is where my Patreon tier Breaking Away After Dark was born.  Here I have been able to flex a few of my more erotic tales, and fully realize a fantasy or two.  Whenever I am feeling a bit of writers block coming on, or have the desire to take a little “me time” break, I pull up my in progress fantasy document and add a few brainstorms.  It has been a very fun ride, that, well, if you have read any of my tweets as I try and write down a new one, comes with numerous “breaks”!   When I go back to edit these brainstorming sessions for actually submitting to the public, I have noticed an interesting thing, the person I am writing about, is usually without a fixed gender or orientation.

As I explore my own fluidity in relationships, and break away with the norms of he said/she said, my subliminal mind is writing in a fluid and undefined way.  When I go back and edit a piece, I will add in a gender and descriptors for clarity. Or as in my last piece, I was all over the place with who this fantasy person was that I was describing, I was actually able to pull out two very distinct sexual fantasies, one was FF and the other was FM.  I would write things like a silhouette of your curvaceous body, and then in the next paragraph describe the full formed shoulders and biceps.  It’s as if my brain flips who is giving me pleasure based on the sexual act or touch I am describing.

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I mean, obviously I need more threesomes or foursomes in my life, that much is clear.  But what is a little deeper under the surface, is how the definition of my “straightness” identity is clearly in flux.  While I recognize that I am becoming for fluid in life, less regimented in my thinking, and growing more open-minded in my day to day life, I was not expecting the same to be true of my creative writing and brainstorming.  I thought that my subconscious mind would instead revert back to the structured definitions I was raised with.  I truly thought that when brainstorming my mind would default to the MF dynamics that it has been defined by for 35 years.  When you shut your brain off and going into brainstorming mode, aren’t you supposed to go into autopilot?

Which of course leads me to question if my straight orientation was the façade this whole time.  Perhaps I established myself as this strictly straight being for some unbeknownst reason.  Perhaps this fantasy writing is allowing me to share my true default of “it just doesn’t matter”.  Or more to the core, that I am attracted to individuals and not genders.  Just as I am looking for fluidity in my relationships, I am pretty sure that is extending to a more fluid perception of who is on the other end of that intimacy. 

Obviously, I am a work in progress, questioning every step of the way.  And who knows where my next erotic piece will take me, or even where my next sexual adventure will.  In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself open minded, and happy with just knowing that at this point, anything is possible, and that optimism keeps me going day in, and day out. 

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The Continuing Saga of The Nice Guy

Workplace Edition

Only puppy kisses are allowed in the workplace!

When two people spend a lot of time together, for instance, working together, it is common for a few lines to get blurry.  People in close connection to each other develop a rhythm, a way of speaking, joshing around, and often times a set of inside jokes that perplex the outsiders.  Human’s make connections, it’s what we do.  We bond, and create social order out of chaos, which if any of you are currently working have had experience with at least one job that needed a sane shoulder to lean on to get you through your days.  As a result, the bond you create with this comrade in arms, often grows beyond the friendly co-worker stage and into this hazy, maybe not quite on the up and up territory. 

Now here is the thing about this, if this type of relationship is mutual, then by all means, you do you and love it.  I personally know a great many people with whom this pair bonding extended far beyond the workplace and into lifelong friendships, and in a few cases, incredibly strong, full on, relationships.  While many may judge a sexual relationship developing in the workplace, the reality is, it happens, and let me tell you first hand, the majority of them work so well that you have no idea they are even happening.  However, that is not what this post is about.  I want to discuss what happens when one party is not on board with anything happening outside of the workplace, and in fact, wants to put the brakes on the intensity of the workplace bond.

It took me years to learn how to be my assertive, and defined self.  It was not how I was raised, and I fought hard to find the balance between being a bitch, knowing what I want, and finally figuring out to say no, in a way that made me comfortable.  If you read my post about The Nice Guy, you already know that this type of dynamic really throws me for a loop.  Having an adult man cry because I asserted myself is a feeling that can leave me feeling drained, and horrible.  It also makes me question if I am borderline bitchy, which is not a sensation I enjoy.  As a result, I have more than once, been in a position where I have to walk this fine line because I have a co-worker who is crossing that line.

In regards to this post, the so called Nice Guy, is showing the true colours that I knew were going to come out.  Since my last post, I have told him no.  I have texted him (so he has in writing in case he forgets) that talking about personal stuff, touching me, or sharing feelings at work is completely out of question and I do not want any part of it.  And yet, he reverts back to the same behaviour after only a few days of “trying” not to be that creepy, touchy, feely dude.

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How do you explain to a boss, that someone just makes you uncomfortable?  How do you get through to an individual who has a lifetime of feeding off the negative feedback loop of rejection, poor me, and ultimately tears?  How do I ensure that I am worth keeping at the job, and not just one of those troublemakers who is complaining about feelings, rather than tangible violations of policy or procedure?  Why am I writing this post?  Because it is something that I have faced at every single job I have ever had, even when working with an all female staff (Yup, this is not a gender specific problem, but for the sake of clarity in this post I have written it that way).  It is something that countless women have faced in their workplaces.  It is a question that we all ask, and more often than not, choose to keep our feelings to ourselves, and try to find ways to work around the uncomfortable situation.  In short, we enable the problem.  We do not call the individuals to task, and we get creative in how to avoid the person, overcome our emotional discomfort, or worse, our denial hacks away at our self worth because if there is no evidence maybe it is all about perception and just in our heads.

Men, if you are reading this, and you feel like a female co-worker is avoiding you, I want you to pause a minute.  Or if you have notice a co-worker that you used to feel close to has changed the dynamic and frequency of being near you, breath, and reflect.  Could it be possible that you have made them uncomfortable?  Have you perhaps over stepped your boundaries?  Have you at some point made a personal question there financial security at work?  By that, I mean, are you aware of processes and procedures that a personal can comfortably use if they felt that something was making them uncomfortable?  If you were ever called into HR, how would you react?  Would you be in shock?  Defensive?  Would you lash out, and destroy that person’s career?  For you see, that is what I have feared in the past.  Losing my livelihood over something without tangible proof.  Something that made me not want to even go into work, and yet, I couldn’t prove happened.  Could it be merely a misunderstanding?  Did that invite for drinks, or brush of my butt, or lingering look that just squicked me out be all in my head?  Was it all accidental?

If I say no, to anything sexual happening in the workplace, or even discussing my personal life while on the clock, I want that to be the end of it.  Graciously accept my assertiveness and NEVER cross the line again.  Don’t plot, how to get me alone, or plan ways for us to hang out after work.  Just be a co-worker, who respects your job, and much as you respect your fellow employees.  If you have a cutie in the workplace, just appreciate that you have a little eye candy on the job, and move on.  Do not obsess over the fact, because I guarantee that the person on the other end can tell!  As someone who frequently crushes over co-workers, I assure you, it can be done in a healthy, sex positive way, that does NOT turn you into a creep.  

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Questioning My Sexuality

My Sexuality

Many years ago, when my partner and I were first starting to navigate what our open relationship could look like, I made a bold claim.  I said, in what he probably would describe as a moment of desperation, that I wanted us both to have a girlfriend.  Someone that the three of us could hang out with, but more than that, a female that I could confide in.  I wanted a sexual new best friend.  If you have read any of my posts in regards to women, I was not raised to believe that women could support each other. Instead, I had that whole females are in constant competition myth going on in my head.  So, in an attempt to get on board with my partner dating other woman, I hatched a plan that would involve me as well. 

It was a terrible plan, born out uncertainty, mistrust, and just basically a place where I knew if I asked a female on a date, things would go terribly.  I was not in a head space to date women.  I didn’t ask myself what I actually wanted, or what I would be willing to offer a female.  So, I went back to my norm, and decided that if a female fell into my lap it would be in an organic way, and zero effort would be required.  Flash forward 8 years, and other than foursomes, I have been on exactly 2 dates with women.  And both times, it was with the pretence of just doing it to making the dating of four people easier.  So that whole, it will happen organically, has not proven to be the case.

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I think part of the issue, is that, while I will fully admit that I am attracted to humans, and not specific genders.  The underlying fact is that women make me nervous.  And not for the reasons that you may think.  I am nervous about hurting a woman’s feelings, or not being able to be my assertive self.  What I mean by that, is I set ground rules, then expect them to be followed implicitly because I am a passive lover.  With women, I wouldn’t even know how to start.  I have this whole, romantic notion in my head, and nowhere in that scenario is a discussion about likes, dislikes, or who leads versus follows.

And this ambiguity, has ensured that I do not make any first steps when it comes to women.  I have on our couple profiles that I am sexually comfortable, but primarily straight.  It feels wrong to say that I am curious or bisexual, because I have never felt that connection or intimacy with a woman that has tipped the scales.  In fact, my female experiences have been drunk, or from incredibly aggressive women that have actually scared me off.  I can say for certainty that having a stranger force their tongue down my throat while I am getting off is NOT a kink of mine. 

So, why do I write this post?  Honestly, because I am questioning if my relationship fluid nature, also extends to gender fluidity.  I am curious what it would be like, yet, feel held in place by not wanting to lead anyone on, or worse, make a female feel that I was just using them to really find out if I have more of a bisexual tendency than I realize.  And I am nervous about opening pandoras box.  I don’t know if I would be able to handle the attention of being non-monogamous and a little bit bi-sexual.  That feels like far too much responsibility to handle.  And to all you incredible people on Twitter that are both, I am in awe daily of how you navigate that, schedule and maintain the complexity of the relationships, and just live so authentically!  So here I sit, on the sidelines, questioning my sexuality, and wondering what having an actual girlfriend would look like…

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