Category: Sexuality

Just Porn, and My Own Acceptance of Sexuality

    K Ghislaine

I have a very popular post on this blog entitled Porn, Just Porn.  I reluctantly admit, that when people Google this subject they are not necessarily looking for some light reading, however the stats are what they are and I will take them.  My last post had to do with me finally being able to express what is really in it for me when it come to having an open relationship.  I would like to now bring these two trains of thought together, and perhaps make some sort of a point.

I know a lot of people out there are uncomfortable with the porn habits of their partner.  I have heard time and time again that porn should not be necessary when you are in a committed partnership.  Or that a sign of too much porn indulgence is a warning about something or other in your relationship.  I have heard it, seen it, and I have even felt this very thing.  What I fail to comprehend in all of this, is any sort of logic, it seems to be an emotional response that we accept rather than understanding it.  When I think of being in a happy and committed relationship, for better or worse, till death do us part, I have never once thought that my partner is now mine to control.  More to the point, I do not think that I have control over his mind, body or soul.  It is a partnership because I love and accept him, for him.

Sex is a natural part of being human.  I do not see the rationale behind telling someone whom I love, respect and judge to be a whole and unique individual that I now get a say in how they find pleasure.  Nor do I take kindly to the notion that my partner may have a say in when I can, or cannot have sex, alone or otherwise.  Or in what order I may choose to get off, for example do I try to have sex with him, prior to me getting myself off?  Does that seem reasonable?  And yet, too often, I hear the sad story of someone getting jealous because they caught their partner watching porn and did not even get a consult to see if maybe they wanted to have sex first.   Sometimes it can be really hot to be caught getting myself off, where as others, I close the door and have some private time for myself.  And I do not think that having a partner should change our individuality.

As many people out there are choosing the lifestyle of monogamy, yes I believe it is a choice, at the very least I hope that you recognize you do not have control over your partners sexual desires.  I once read an article, where a woman was sitting on the washing machine and it vibrated in just the right way.  After she had some surprise fun, she wondered if she needed to tell her husband what had happened, and I kid you not, if he would be upset that she got off without him.  This is one of those laugh or cry moments for me.  I would never be in a relationship if that meant I had to give up who I was.  To relinquish control over my sexuality? To be told that I could or could not watch porn, and touch myself if I chose to.  I find it hard some days to admit that I am proud of my partners sexuality, and his desires for other woman.  The first step is admitting your own desires, and watching his excitement at my happiness brings me one step further to accepting all that he is, porn habits and all!  So in the end perhaps less of a point was made, and more of a rant.

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What I Love About Being Open

    K Ghislaine
“If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough” Albert Einstein.  I read this quote a few weeks ago and it finally has come true for me.  I was able to conversationally explain my open relationship to a friend, with simplicity and contentment.  I know this may not seem like such a big deal, but for me, writing is my preferred method of communication.  And for a while now, I have been able to clearly define what my partner gets out of being open, but have lacked the ability to fully commit to what I love about being open.  I enjoy many facets, and have for quite some time, but now to be able to reach the level where I can express it with words in an enthusiastic way, was quite liberating.
To be a male in an open relationship seems quite logical to many people whether it is a lifestyle of your choosing or not.  It is easy to describe to someone else the desire for a man to hunt, to seek out new challenges and to love variety.  There is a certain logic to this, and let us be honest, both men and woman alike have experienced this when dating.  Whether this was a positive or negative place in your life of course is open for some debate.  If we keep in mind that we are not monogamous daters we can see how men may feel that they give up more when they enter into a committed monogamous relationship.  And like I mentioned, this in the past has been easy for me to explain to people.  What has been a little trickier is when the question of “what’s in it for you?” creeps up.
I love that I do not have to hide my sexuality.  Or to cage my natural urges whenever something new catches my eye.  I am free to flirt, to tease, and to say no whenever I choose to.  I am proud to be a sexual being, and I will never be the property or sole possession of one man.  I have complete freedom of my sexuality, and expression in whatever form I choose for that to take.  I can confidently meet new people without restrictions for how the friendship or relationship may evolve.  I make choices safely, and consciously for me and my body and will get to do so for the rest of my life. 

Of course, I do all of this with respect and compassion for my partner.  I would not put him in a position that he was uncomfortable or insecure.  And if I ever feel insecure, or uncomfortable I can discuss and talk to him about my thoughts and feelings.  It is open because we have communication, trust and self awareness for what we both want.  I cannot kid myself into believing that I always like his choices, nor can I pretend that who I spend time with is always the best choice.  There will be mistakes, hurt feelings from time to time, and the occasional heartache as people come in and out of our lives. 

I am in a relationship that allows me the identity that I thrive on.  I am in a relationship filled with love and compassion, joy and laughter.  Whatever the future may hold, I am happy in the here and now, without any regrets.  I am proud of my choices.  And so happy that I can now express myself fully and completely.

Why Do Men Cheat? Our Evolution Ignored

    K Ghislaine
NoMoreWetSpot.com
 

The media and our social networking sites do a fantastic and thorough job of demonizing men.  Daily there are sites aimed at finding out if your man cheated, and 7 signs that he is going to cheat and other such fear driven articles.  What you do not find is the sites geared at women cheating or for that matter, just a partner.  We are presented a polarizing view from our society geared towards our most intimate relationships.  I have been told that I write in a normative voice, whereby I present my thoughts from a female to male dynamic.  And although I appreciate why that seems to be the case, it is only because I present my thoughts from my own experiences, those of a heterosexual nature.  But my attempt is rarely to generalize based on gender, instead, my goal has been to present a few ideas and question or challenge them.  And here I find myself surrounded by media that states, men cheat, and women should fear this happening.

 

This seems ludicrous to me.  Are men only out there fornicating with other men when they leave their marital bliss for some strange on the side?  I mean in a few of my fantasies that is certainly what I am hoping for.  But truthfully, it is people who are out there cheating with each other, and not just men.  This is something inherent in our very human survival, the desire to procreate, to continue life sometimes by any means necessary.  This issue is, we like to think of ourselves so far removed from our baser instincts.  It seems harsh to make a statement that woman are generally more obese than men because a females survival instinct is to eat as many calories as possible to sustain a new life.  Just as no one likes to read about men just spreading their seed as far as possible, due to the same base instinct.  We like to imagine we are so far above these primary goals that have made our survival possible.

 

Forgetting how we came into being, to thriving, to surviving and regenerating at previously unimaginable rates is unsexy.  So to control this, we polarize.  We demonize men, forgetting where we came from, and why that drive to procreate is there.  Throughout history, large voluptuous woman were the ideal.  Strong virile men likewise were demanded, sought out, and glorified.  It is funny how we forget that, and decide to pick and choose what portions of history we want to learn from.  People were designed to have sex and to eat.  Religion, worked its thorough and well documented “magic” in assisting humanity in forgetting who and what we really are.  A species that should be proud we evolved and have accomplished so much, and stop living in fear of why we have come so far.  Instead, begin to understand, and appreciate the rational.  It is only with understanding and education that we can stop hating what we fear.

Thank you for reading, liking, and sharing this post! 

 

Am I Allowed to Talk About the O Face? NSFW

    K Ghislaine

There have been quite a few studies done about the chemistry of kissing, and the hormones, pheromones, scent, taste etc that go into sexual attraction.  We are all curious if there is a reason we are turned on when we see so and so walking down the street, versus ignoring the other thousand people that we encounter daily.  Doctors and scientists debate the issue of whether there is some chemical  basis between two individuals and their spark, if it is emotionally based or just a range of other factors all working together.  I could add to this debate, but there is one item that I want to weigh in on a little more specifically, and that is the cum face or the vinegar strokes that appear moments before the point of no return.  Yes, this is why I had to put another NSFW in the title. (I actually have a funny story about how I learned about what NSFW meant, and octopus porn, but I will save that for another time!)
I do not know if other people out there agree with me, or even recognize this as something that plays into their compatibility with their partners. More likely it is just something that people do not discuss in polite conversation.  And it is a hard subject to research online, as the amount of actual porn that comes up far outweighs any real research.  So here is something I have figured out for myself, and researched by getting my friends really drunk and asking them in awkward social groups.  And that is, could you be with a partner whose cum face turned you off?  As a follow up to that, can you learn to enjoy a partner’s cum face, to gradually be turned on by the thought of it or is it an all or nothing sort of thing.  How does that O face really factor into your sex life and your overall attraction? 
I have heard the horror stories of people giggling when they encountered a new sexual partners orgasm face, and the moments right beforehand.  I personally have been turned off by a partner or two’s “cumming “ reaction.  And I have felt awful about it afterwards, but it turned out to be a really big red flag for me.  If I did not enjoy watching my partner get off, then we could not proceed.  I want those moments when I am lost in thought, and have a happy shudder thinking about the knee jerk expression of raw sex.  That is how I want to think about all my partners past and present.  I feel like I have lost out when I do not have that.  Perhaps that is how some people feel about kissing.  That electrical spark that seems to snap through the air the first time your lips meet.  For me, the first kiss is nothing more than a first kiss.  I may feel that spark once in memory and then that is it.  The memory that lasts for me is that cum face.  The sound, and visual are almost permanently stamped in my memory.  I lament when that O face sucks, and is void of a sound to give me a full memory to come back to.
And I am almost positive that a females orgasm face can have the same effect on a man.  It took me a long time to gain some self confidence in that department.  To be able to get lost in the moment and not care what I looked like, and most importantly for me, not care about just how stupidly red my face gets!  I even tried to minimize how many times I would orgasm so that I would not be so red.  Ah, to be young and stupid again.  I have now come to appreciate that I cannot change what I look like, or what my partners look like.  It will either be a turn on, or a turn off and that will be the end of things.  So hopefully I have not created any unnecessary complexes by writing about this.  
The big O face matters to me and my sex life.  I hope each and every one of you who read this will take a moment and think about what your partner’s cum face looks and get a little turned on, or a lot.  And if you would like to share your thoughts on what your partners O face means to you, I would love to hear about it, for science of course!

Keep the Spontaneity

    K Ghislaine

Ever find yourself trying far too hard to perfectly orchestrate the most intimate or exciting sexual tryst?  Well I have and it is exhausting and just never seems to go as planned.  The most exciting adventures have been those that have been a little more last minute, a little more spontaneous than planned.  I get wrapped up in the details and getting everything just right, and people just do not seem designed for that.  I find that the most excitement comes from taking a step back and letting a certain amount of pieces fall where they may.
A perfect example is sex in the great outdoors.  Quite frankly, living in Calgary, it is damn near impossible to plan ahead of time.  The perfect opportunities for the people very often clash with what the weather decides to do.  To this day, I have not once had an outdoor excursion go to plan if ever decided on more than an hour in advance… well except for that one time on the roof. 
Then there is event or birthday sex.  We all know the special events that come around every year, and I hazard a guess that very few of us can say that every year on our birthday the sex is more amazing then at any other time.  Why?   Because it is a planned event.  There is so much going on, such as a big meal, social obligations and time constraints that sex usually has to fit in around.  I have learned over the years to simply take sex as a highlight off the table, and to stop putting so much damn pressure on it.  If something is going to happen that is noteworthy, it works better for me a few days away from the birthday or other event.  It takes the pressure off and eases things.  There are of course exceptions to this rule, but for the most part the planning of something sexy and special on a day that already has so much going on, tends to fail.  

So try to keep it spontaneous, lower the expectations and planning.  Keep it spicy with surprises and unique ideas every so often.  And if things fall through, be sure to laugh about it and not hold a grudge.  Sex is silly, and fun, nothing to get too uptight or worked up about.