Sex for Thought

My previous blog certainly got some blood boiling, and perhaps it was mostly mine.  I had to bite hard not to insight an unnecessary debate and try to remain calm and open to criticism from a person whose opinions definitely differed from mine.  I try to write with an outlook of hope, in that woman should be as free sexually as men seem to be.  Or perhaps I am admittedly far too absorbed in the land of Mad Men.  Growing up I was often told that I was born in the wrong era.  Family and friends would tell me that I would have been perfectly suited towards life in the 40’s and 50’s, often because of the language I use and how I carry myself.  When I visualize myself in that time period it is often in a mixed role of Peggy Olsen and Joan Harris (Mad Men).  A blend of corporate rule breaking, and sexual fireball, making a name for myself in a man’s world.  The appeal of being a siren of character and worth has certainly fuelled many nights in my imagination.  Perhaps this statement explains a lot about my personality and character.
A few years ago my mom and I went to the ruins of Pompeii, and the tour guide showed us the whore house.  There are she’wolves painted on the walls and legend states that the women of the night would howl like wolves to attract male customers.  Does this story get anyone else’s blood going like it got mine?  Howling into the night to attract your next sexual conquest.  When I closed my eyes in that building I could almost hear the echo’s of this song from centuries ago and it was an intoxicating thought.  I am sure everyone in that building was lost in their own fantasy of the moment, and I have to hand it to my mom for being the only one brave enough to say something out loud.  She proudly stated to me that she would have been the Madame of a place like that.  For what it’s worth, if our society was not so fearful of sex I guarantee that I would be inheriting one of the most successful brothels in the world. 
I cannot be the only one who when watching all the Romanesque TV series that have been so popular these past few years, feel a strange longing for sexual freedom the likes of what was documented from our past.  I recall a scene from Spartacus Blood and Sand, where Batiatus is having a conversation with his wife while he is screwing one of his slave girls.  I found this behaviour to be hot for a variety of reasons which I will not get into here.  But more than that I would not judge anyone who found it equally disturbing.  It was a scene that elicits a gut response geared towards shock value and it shocked me through and through mainly in that I was so captivated by this scene.  
Sex in the media has shown the womanizing male, Blog, a lot as of late.  Is it some subliminal way of desensitizing woman towards a man`s supposed natural nature and tendency?  We are constantly shown images of sexually charged and in control woman, and of men who have mountains of sex for pleasure disregarding any committed females in their path.  Life seemed simpler in a time where woman could howl at the moon, or a man could have sex in front of his wife as simply as having a meal.  But truly who really wants simple anyways, it would probably be boring in the long run right?

God’s Impact on my Teenage Sexuality

When I met my first love of my life I was astonished to find out that he was God fearing man.  He was at a crossroads breaking away from a church that he had been interested in, but had created some good friends through it.  I remember after a few weeks of seeing each other having the talk with him about religion.  I impulsively blurted out that I could never respect or be with a man who believed in God as I found it childish nonsense.  Yes, I actually said that, or something incredibly similar and blunt (it was years ago so I am probably paraphrasing a bit).  Oddly enough he went on to be one of the strongest atheists that I have ever met, but I digress.  I bring this up because we were both virgins when we met, and I have often wondered what role religion played, in us making it to that point.
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While I went to catholic school there were the girls in my social circle with whom we suspected of having sexual encounters.  But the part that baffles me, is that whatever these girls went through they went through alone.  There was no support from their peers regarding information towards contraception or options.  I held onto my virginity merely because I was not interested in high school boys and knew no one older.  Whereas my friends who were experimenting with their long term boyfriends, could not safely share, or ask questions within our group.  The judgement of family for teenagers to be sexually experimental is one thing, but then you add God into the mix and the result is a bunch of ill informed, hormone-crazed males and females interacting in an almost chaotic fashion with a poor sexual education. 
It has taken me a long time to come to terms with being sex positive, and I think being in that environment growing up did play a role.  Although to be fair, I had a very open parent, with whom I knew I could ask anything.  That in itself was almost a detriment though, as I had no peers that I could share my concerns or feelings about masturbating, hormones, or any number of questions I had at the time.  God may or may not played a role with me specifically, but that figure played a large role within my social circle.  Or at the very least, ensured that we were not comfortable openly discussing anything sex related on school property, which we spent the majority of our time.  I will share with you a rather unpleasant memory of just how perverse the idea of sex was within my group of catholic friends.
When I started to date and hang out with more males the summer after high school and my first year of university I had no idea what I was doing.  So I ended up making out with a few guys who knew each other within our circle.  Well people like to talk, including as I would later find out, the males in particular.  The result was a sick little club that was nicknamed the KKK (K’s Kissing Klub) as best I could figure it stood for.   I couldn’t believe that in university I was in a group that was so fearful of sex and who they were that I was the object of ridicule for merely kissing a few guys over a span of a few months.  With brutal honesty I will tell you that the night I lost my virginity, my exact words were, I just want to get this over with.  Sex had become so skewed for me that it was almost a meaningless action.  I was already given the stigma of a slut so I might as well just get the actual act over and done with.  My first time bore no meaning, and as I had broken my hymen when I was kid playing on a playground, I didn’t even have the pain or the blood.  It was insignificant.
I know the role that God played in the eyes of my friends and thereby how I was viewed by my peers.  I am also thankful to that man who stayed with me after that night and would stay by my side for years afterwards allowing a safe environment for me to explore and grow sexually.  He gave me room to flirt and discover my likes and dislikes.  Also he quickly helped me rid myself of that horrible klub with which I was the key member.  I guess my bottom line is, I firmly believe that the role of God should have no bearing when it comes to sex and building a sex positive environment for our teenagers.  There is more harm in mixing the taboos of faith regarding sex, than giving our teens honest and factual education regarding their bodies and hormones.  If “16 and Pregnant” has taught me anything, it’s that sex is going to happen no matter what the circumstance, now let us work towards separating these two ideologies and building a healthier next generation.

Crazy Meet Stupid

My moral code will not allow me to publicly write about the specific events that have thrown my little old world into a tailspin, but suffice to say things have been surprising?  When I reach the emotional breaking point that has me seriously considering a female pillow fight in only underwear being the only next logical step to my crazy life, well, it has just been one of those weeks.  There is a part of me that wishes I could change my orientation and try women on for size.  When sharing this revelation with ‘Thomas’  he provided the following, “Guy troubles are easy cause men are stupid and stupid can be figured out. Women however are crazy, and there is no predicting crazy.”  So I am back to the drawing board, which means no pictures to share of scantily clad women fighting with feather pillows.
So back to the men that I love, but here arises a strange thought that I had not even considered but has been brought to my attention.  After writing and being open about my previous relationship, how do I go about proving my trustworthiness to a new potential partner?  I am perfectly willing to discuss and negotiate rules and guidelines on a go forth basis, but how rationally do I move forward.  The idea of being open and flirting with whom I want and when I want has brought me intense happiness.  But is that reasonable to expect in a new person?  Have I just entered into a roll whereby I will have to teach and guide males into the mould that I would prefer, or do I hold out hope that there is someone out there with an intrinsic understanding about my nature?  Just because I flirt does not necessarily mean that I have to go all the way, nor should it.  There is a playful flirtation that I enjoy and understand about myself.
Why do I even bring this up?  Well recently I encountered a male who informed me that my nature could bring about unease in him, which I gather would not be reserved only to him.  I just never quite thought about this from the other sides perspective.  I feel that I can be incredibly loving, trustworthy, and honest in the right circumstances.  But I recognize that I need to get my flirt on and feel sexy from time to time.  Should knowing that about myself not instill more confidence in a relationship rather than less?  I suppose another way to look at this, is in the objective, that perhaps this guy would not be able to handle me.  Which I think is a fair thing to say even though I don’t have any real desire to admit that.
I wish that my ability to rationalize would downplay the female craziness.  And sadly I am not a male and do not think like a male, so I cannot comprehend why they intrinsically show stupidity in relationship situations.  I recently watched a documentary where a course is taught in the states about what males think, their evolution and sexuality.  The class is composed of more than 80% females.  The main criticism for why more men do not enroll in the class is that they cannot figure out how a whole semester can be spent discussing how they think, as they are just not that complex to understand.  Oh the irony of it all.  So with that being said, here’s to the men with whom I have learned so much from, and to the women who have given me strength and have shown me that it’s possible for stupid and crazy to find happiness in each other.

A Females Desires

I recently read A billion Wicked Thoughts by Ogi Ogas & Sai Gaddam, and I would recommend it as a must read for anyone wanting to learn more about their sexual desires and those of their partners.  In my mind this is a smooth follow up book to Sex at Dawn, which I have previously recommended.  The hard wired sexual taste cues of men versus women who are much more fluid and almost have a subconscious physical and emotional connection to sexual desires.  I wrote about a man’s nature and this book goes one step further by actually proving what men and women really want in sex based on extensive internet research.  It is can be difficult for men and women to tell the truth completely, as often we don’t truly know what turns us on.  The anonymity of queuing our porn searches validated their statements and groundbreaking truth regarding what visual and emotional cues really do it, so to speak, for us. 
One of the later chapters in the book deals with women and why they seem to love and yearn for Vampires or as they call the erotical illusions.   And the reason I bring this up is that I personally shy away from erotic literature, although this seems to be the number one erotic cue in woman.  I read many romance novels as a teenager, but honestly I felt that once I experienced the real physical act of sex, that I no longer needed or desired reading about it.  But I can understand how the literature can deepen the desires and fantasies for a women.  Men are programmed at an early age as to what fuels them sexually.  The fluidity of women on the other hand knows no bounds.  This is evolutionary speaking how we co-exist so well.  But a problem can arise and this I know first hand, the desire to please our men to keep them.  There is a fine line between being fluid and in pleasing your man for your man’s sake and not your own.
Female turn-on’s range from simple missionary to BDSM and everything in between, around, and up and down.  Our bodies and our desires can be limitless.  The studies historically said that women reach their sexual peaks at 40.  Truly I believe that women reach their sexual peaks as soon as they open up and accept all they are capable of what they desire for themselves.  I know that many men find it hard to please a woman, and I will ask them if their women know how to please themselves?  It is necessary to walk the risky line of pleasing your man, and pleasing yourself.  I have stumbled and landed on the wrong side of this line numerous times and will probably stumble a few more times.  I do know for certain though that awareness about what is going on around me and for me is the first step to understanding and enlightenment.  

Sexual Compatibility: An Open Letter

There are two types of people in this world, the ones who believe in the power of a healthy and happy sex life to be a strong indicator towards a healthy relationship, and, the people who believe a healthy and loving relationship can exist in the absence of sex.  Up until a few years ago, I had only had exposure to the first type of people on an intimate basis.  So let me tell you a story of a good friend.
He found a girl, and the girl was amazing.  They planned trips over seas and finally decided to start a new life together in a new city.  Lots of love and laughter was shared and he confided in me that he was really really happy, however there was just one thing.  He told me that he had not had sex in more than three months because he had given up on initiating it.  And he was puzzled because she didn’t seem to mind.  I told him that he had already given up, and this girl was not the girl of his dreams as she didn’t want to share this most intimate of passions.  I didn’t tell him anything that he didn’t already know or feel, just held up the mirror to the actions he was already taking in response to her sexually.  It had nothing to do with her, and her emotional baggage, and lets face it we all have it in spades.  But the thing is you can’t change a person. And most important, is that you cannot change yourself. 
The passion is either there or it is not.  If you are questioning your sexual compatibility then it is a long road ahead for the relationship.  Even questioning it will have brought to light for you just how important this sex drive and compatibility are for you.  Be careful hoping she/he will change, because in my experience sex is a very strong indicator of overall happiness and suitability I acknowledge that you can have love without sex, but the reality is I don’t feel this should be forced up on us because of a persons past or history.   It is one thing to be understanding about past events, but not knowing for yourself your wants and needs you may live with a twinge of regret.