Recently, I rejected a guy on POF by stating that we were only looking for couples right now. If you have heard me say this before, it is my standard rejection, and I state looking for couples right on my profile. As sometimes happens, he got very upset with being told no, and responded with the length of his penis, followed by a picture of it. True to form, I reported him, blocked him, and then went on to Twitter to vent my frustration and ask the age old question: Why do men still do this?
While I received the usual support, I also received a shocking response. While I am usually pretty level headed about the garbage I get being sex positive online this one got under my skin and rattled me. A guy responded with “I can honestly not understand how you can be so humourless, yet pretend to be so sexual. And yes, block away”. Wait a tick, my sexuality is being called into question because I was angry at receiving a non consent based nude image, also known as sexual harassment? Did you know that in Texas, and possibly soon to come into law in NYC that sending an unsolicited dick picture on an online dating site is actually now illegal?
This isn’t me just being a prude here. This is such a rampant problem, that people are beyond sick and tired of it, and we are taking legal action by demanding laws to protect us. I don’t think it’s funny to laugh about an unsolicited dick in my inbox. This is harassment. It’s not funny. Unless the thought process is that men want us to start laughing at their penis’ I just do not follow the logic. How many more posts, podcasts, blocks, and laws do we need to pass to make it clear that this is not funny.
I recall my mom being exposed to on a c-train about 20 years
ago. The crazy thing about the whole
situation is how many people were around her, and did nothing. They pretended not to see it. When the cops arrived, there was only one man
who came forward as a witness out of nearly 10 people who should have seen
something. My mom pleaded with the woman
who was sitting beside her to come forward, but she refused. Should we as a society just laugh that
off? Should we just laugh it off when
someone is rejected by a complete stranger and they lose their shit and send what
may or may not be their fully erect penis?
Is complacency the target here? Or worse, making it a joke?
And now let’s deal with the fact that this random guy on twitter, took the time to comment on my own sexual nature because I didn’t laugh. I felt publicly shamed. My sexuality was openly called into question. How is that OK? Why did this guy (twitter) who claims he has never sent a dick pic himself still rationalizing that I am somehow in the wrong for standing up for what I believe in. I think sending a dick picture should be a criminal act just as exposing yourself in public to a stranger. I do not think that this stance should be a reflection of my sexuality, or my sex positive stance. That is an asinine correlation and positively disgusts me. That`s as dumb as saying I asked for it, because I rejected the guy on the online dating site. NO! My sex positive nature will not be on trial here. No, my sensual boasts hold firm. I have a right to consent to what level of nudity I see in an online world. That does NOT diminish my sensual nature. In fact, I think it increases it, because I know what I want, need, and what turns me on!
Because I am sensual, sex positive, and love showing off, please consider supporting this post and checking out my behind the scenes pictures!
I wrote a little while ago on Twitter, that I missed waking up with “random marks on my body from a passionate night of sexy shenanigans from the night before” (My Twitter feed is pretty random if you are not already following me). It was a random comment that popped into my head as I looked down upon my pale legs, and thinking how strange it was for it to be summer and still without the dings of adventure, be it sexual or otherwise. Further to this, anyone in a long-term relationship knows that sometimes life just gets in the way and you don’t just drop everything to jump on your partner, forsaking all thoughts of where, when, or how you will look or feel in the morning like you do when things are newer. Shortly after posting this, I received a comment from a follower saying “this surprises me. I thought you were active”. This response jarred the shit out of me. He wasn’t wrong in his thinking based on my blog, and my non-monogamous lifestyle. But it brought to light something I have been struggling with in my personal life, and that is keeping active in non-monogamy when I feel like my home life is a complete mess (feel free to scroll through some of my recent posts to see a few reasons why).
I firmly believe that I should be in a good dating state of
mind, in order to meet someone new, and be ethical about pursuing something
beyond a fling. Please note that these
are rules for myself, and myself alone.
I do not ever judge or criticize other humans for how they seek to find
happiness. Again, I don’t personally subscribe
to the idea that I want someone to make me better or pull me out of my
funk. Instead, I want to be funky,
awesome, and attract a person who see’s that light in me because it’s already
glowing. Not a person who wants to fix
me, support me, or hold my hand through the tough times. I approach that from a place of already
having a partner, and if I am honest, when I was single and dating, I always attracted
people who reflected my current mood. It
wasn’t until I started getting laid regularly from my incredible fwb, that I
was able to meet my current partner. I
needed the sexual confidence and devil-may-care attitude to shine through,
rather than the, holy crap, I will jump anything that moves mentality.
So here I am, admitting, that while a little date here or
there during this really rough winter may have boosted my energy and
confidence, I just didn’t feel right about it.
Since our Christmas holiday, I think we have only visited the lifestyle club
once, and gone on 2 couple’s dates?!? Those
number are really low for us. And quite indicative
of the mindset I have been finding myself in.
I just wanted to keep to myself, focus on breathing, and definitely zero
interest in finding anything fun or relaxing.
You know that low, where you just don’t feel you even deserve to be
happy or to take a break? So yeah,
obviously I was not keen on meeting new people.
And again, that twitter comment really hit me hard. Why wasn’t I active? Why was I stopping myself from having any
fun? How was that possibly helping me
So here I sit, puzzled over why I felt the need to punish myself. And why I hold myself up to these incredibly high standards that I always have to be in an amazing place in order to meet people, and have fun. Looking back on my life, I cannot think of a single time when I was prepared to meet the incredible people that I have closest to me. They were random, unplanned, and un-calculated. So, with this post, I am admitting, what many of those in non-monogamy already know, and that is life happens, lows happen, and that shouldn’t make you feel like you need to hand in your open relationship, swinger, polyamory, or all the beautiful relationships variations cards just yet. I am still an active member of this community of sex positive people, even if my legs don’t show the evidence of all the sexy time’s I wish I was having.
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One of the tenants of the swinger lifestyle is that you don’t make friends swingers, you make swingers friends. While I don’t of course agree with rules such as these, it is does lead itself into an interesting discussion that I have over the years, and now that I am little less shy sharing my blog with friends the frequency is increasing. There are a growing number of people who have concerns with how to act around me after they have seen me naked. If you don’t already know, I used to put a lot of naked photos on my blog (which are still up if you want to do some digging), and now I have a Patreon page for those more “titillating” photos that helps fund my writing and future endeavours. While I would love to have people on the lower tiers, simply supporting my work, the reality is, I have pretty much all my support on the top two tiers which ranges from pg13 to R rated content. But they are exclusively strangers, which begs the question, can you handle seeing your friends naked?
Now, here is the thing. I am open. I live my life as I see fit, with an open relationship, combined with the openness of my sexuality, and freedom of expression. I choose what goes out into the world and I love what I do. However, when people that I work with, socialize with, or even just have mutual acquaintances with find my blog or photos I ultimately will receive some pretty interesting messages (which makes me wonder all the things I don’t hear). The common theme is that they don’t want me to feel uncomfortable with them looking at me, or knowing what I look like without my clothes on.
I could play Freud here, and psycho analyze what this really
says about them, etc, but I am not going to do that. Instead, I am going to speak to the
peculiarity of the situation this puts me in.
I create public content and I have it available to everyone. So to me, that pretty much states that I am
fine with anyone in my network or outside of it consuming the content
within. In fact, it is beyond flattering
and so very appreciated that my loved ones would actually put a little money into
my pocket or a tip here and there. But
with these initial messages, I find myself in a place where I can either try
and sell the work, coerce people to look, share, support, or whatnot but often
I feel it’s only appropriate to talk them out of looking at it. No, I don’t mean in a reverse psychology sort
of way either.
Why do I talk them out of it sometimes? Because our society, as a whole, doesn’t seem
ready to embrace nudity. We directly
correlate the nude body with sex, and then that intertwines feelings that are much
more primal than our day to day interaction with peers allows. Can I see a male naked and then talk to them
like a normal human being the next day?
Sometimes yes, sometimes I will blush a little first, and then be able
to chat with them. There is nothing inherently
wrong with that, but I understand how it could be uncomfortable for some, or
just too far outside of their comfort zone to come to terms with. And look at that, I tried not to analyze, yet
here we are. It’s a puzzling conundrum and
one that I totally empathize with. If you’re
not able to separate nudity from sex, that is totally cool. I was raised with open nudity in my household
and it just feels really natural to walk around naked, but I realize that is
not the norm, and I would never want to force my content on anyone.
But to those who worry I might feel weird or judge the people who take a look please know this, my content is out there. Embrace it. Enjoy it. We are adults and I love what I do. I enjoy getting feedback (in a sex positive manor mind you, not an objectifying creepy way), and I love that I have received such gracious support from so many of you. So, ask yourself this, would seeing me naked change our friendship in anyway for you? And if so, why would that be? And if you’re brave, I would love to read the conclusions you come up with!
And if you’re curious about the behind the scenes photos, click here!
Aka: Want to Start a Sex Blog? A Few Tips/Tricks and Mistakes I Have Made Blogging about Breaking Away From Monogamy
I started blogging in the summer of 2011 because I had a personal mission to work through a major problem I was facing in my life, and in my overconfident brain I figured a few people would be curious about the subject matter: non-monogamy. When I wrote my first post, as I’m sure a few of you have, it was from a place of heartbreak. I was motivated by a single thought, which was simply to write my story. As a result, I did zero research into making a blog readable, successful, profitable, or even clickable or shareable. I basically went in blind, thinking my clear mission statement would be enough for everything else to fall into place, whatever that ended up being. It turns out, it wasn’t. So let me share with you a few practical tips that I have learned over the years, often as a result of going in the completely wrong direction, and wherever I can, I will post practical links that will actually help you, especially if you want to talk about things that are taboo (affiliate links will be a part of this post, and do help me earn a small commission to cover my hosting fees, but I will get more into that shortly).
First things first, the reason this post is a little different to many “how do I write a blog post” is that I am gearing this towards taboo subject matter and the specific hurdles when you write about the word sex. So let’s get started with the first lesson I learned: Anonymity
Picking Your Name or Title
When I first got started, I used an alias, as so many out there choose to do. The thing was, I picked an alias that is in a language foreign to many of my readers. I chose, @k-ghislaine (which you can easily click to follow me on Twitter), and while it is meaningful to me, it is completely unsearchable, pronounceable, and instantly I created a situation where I would have to self-promote everything I put out. Now this was a choice I made consciously, and thought it would protect my work/life/relationship status. However, with that being the focus, what did I immediately do? Oh that’s right, I mass e-mailed the link to everyone in my address book, and posted the blog link on Facebook, under my own personal account. The take away? Choose your target, and decide how you are going to use your blog, podcast, or whatever medium that shares your unique message. And think beyond the heartache towards the scale-ability factor because you never know where something like this may take you. And this holds true for your blogs name, domain, and basically every social media handle you choose, so choose wisely.
Sex Positive Monetization
I have zero doubt that this is the main reason that you are reading this post. And the thing about this is, I am in no way pro yet. I make enough to cover all my fees incurred, and occasionally a little more. My blog, has always be like a journal for me, where if it makes a little that’s a bonus, but if not, that’s totally OK too, I will still blog. That being said, I know how daunting it can be to start researching ways to actually monetize your content, especially if you have nudity, talk about anything taboo, or dare I say, use the word sex in any way shape or form. When you get started, you are faced with a zillion and one hurdles, especially once you start reading the fine print on all the monetization sites available or affiliate programs that mainstream content creators have access to. Please don’t let that get you down, you still have options, it just might take a little more work.
One of the first paths I took that actually generated a little financial interest in my blog was doing a sex toy review. And not just any toy, a couple’s toy! Honestly, it was a lot of fun. I loved the anticipation of waiting for the new toy, testing it out, and ultimately writing the post. I totally understand the appeal of it, and would happily do one again in the future. But I would caution you about one thing, things are changing with toy reviews. You are very limited as to the pictures you take, where you can share them on social media, and the biggest reason I don’t do many is the competition aspect. There are so many incredible toy reviewers out there and honestly, I don’t feel like I offer anything unique to that discussion. In summary, product reviews are amazing, just make sure you offer something new, exciting, or unique to your audience or you will not retain them.
The second path I took, and take, is writing sponsored posts, or paid blogs for other sites. This is my clear favorite, as I love the exposure and the community building this brings. Ultimately, my goals are different than many out there, but if you really hustle to create incredible content, this works really well. There are some incredible resources out there when it comes to pitching, and if you would like me to share some insight on my techniques feel free to comment or reach out to me via whichever social media you found me on!
And finally the third, which is affiliate links (Such as this one for lube, sex toys, and condoms!) . Now these can be tricky to find for those who talk about sex in any depth beyond what I do. The reason I notice that is I have always walked a fine line between education and sharing sexy adventures. And that is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to banners or links that will actually pay me out. If you write sexualized content, you can find affiliate links on toy sites, P&%N pages, and with other promoters of the more XXX content. If you simply try to educate, you can find safe sex banners, STD testing sites, and that sort of thing. The key here, is to think outside of the box. What does your site say, and what products would you be happy to buy yourself and then promote? So, reach out to known sex positive industries, or sign up to affiliate sites specifically catered to sex and industry. There are a few out there, you just have to be a little savvy when searching them. And please, for the love of all that is holy, research the company first. It’s not worth making big bucks if your spreading hate, misinformation, or something that goes against your messages key values. That makes you a sellout and you will NOT retain traffic. If you go on my home page you will see a few banners from companies I love working with, but again, those may not work for the type of content you are creating. So be reasonable. It is not enough to just put up a banner and then watch the money roll in. Monetization takes special work, especially with the word Sex.
Writing content that people give a damn about is tough, even when your subject matter is titillating. And the major factor for this is people en masse are scared of sex. Individuals are typically rational, but group people in a room, and restrictions come at you from every angle. As a result, you will run into many issues when trying to spread your content. There are quite a few sites who won’t even take your money, or allow you to collect your hard earned dollars as a direct result of your subject matter. My biggest word of wisdom here is to read the fine print. Sure a site like Amazon may allow you sign up to be an affiliate, but if there is nudity anywhere, you are going to have a difficult time collecting your earnings. And that goes for all social media that you use. Understanding the restrictions is key to maximizing your influence (And no, I don’t mean be an influencer, but know your content may have an impact on someone so be mindful).
What has made me the most successful in getting noticed you may ask? The answer, is not caring what other people think and posting content that makes me feel like a whole human being. On each of my social media accounts I find meaning in actually connecting with people and not using it as just a platform to spam people with my words. There are quite a few studies right now to measure peoples happiness levels in conjunction to their social media usage and guys, I must say, there is a lot of truth to this. Whenever I portray myself as an object, or just a brand, I become miserable and need more and more frequent social media breaks. Whereas, when I am actively engaged, learning, reading others stuff, and building community I absolutely love it! So the takeaway, be mindful when you’re trying to get your work noticed. Don’t let the goal of becoming internet famous supersede your mental health. Better to have a few amazing fans, than a multitude of trolls.
Once you do find your stride, and have people who care enough to share, engage, or follow you, I highly recommend setting up a Patreon page. Without question, this has been the most rewarding experience for me. I cry (happy tears) with every new subscriber, even the ones who only pledge for a few hours. It’s incredible know that there are people out there who love your work enough to pledge a little bit of money to it. And with Patreon, you can make it your own and choose rewards that actually matter to your fans. I love the freedom of it all, and for me, I use it mostly to show off all the behind the scenes stuff I can’t put on my blog. But don’t let that sway you. Make your content anyway you choose!
When I first started blogging (My blogging reason), I used a free site with Blogspot. It was Google based and included SEO and rankings. It was a glorious. Then, tragedy struck. I gained a little bit of popularity and got flagged for my content. I had flown under the radar for years, even using adsense, but I think those days are pretty much over. With all the new restrictions and fears over sex, I quickly had to go self hosted, build a new site to maintain my own freedom of expression. It seemed like overnight I had to basically learn everything about building a site, hosting it, and my latest endeavor… SEO.
Honestly, for me, this is my current pet project. I spend a few minutes every day learning new tips/tricks to increase my organic views. And holy crap, the most interesting thing I have learned, is just how incredibly bad my blogspot site was! And how, in the blogging world, I have pretty much done everything wrong. Why do I share that? Because it is OK. I am learning from this, and I am so proud to have loyal readers who enjoyed my content even though the presentation was absolute garbage. So don’t feel bad, ever! If the content is something you take pride of, everything else will follow.
If you enjoyed this post, by all means, reach out! And if you have questions, want to start your own blog, or shift over to a self hosted site, I have written 3 sites which are live and am working on my fourth. If you need a graphic designer, I am currently working with one who is incredible and the perfect match for this sex positive blogger and her vision. Again, reach out. I would love to share my knowledge and help you succeed where I have failed, or in rare instances succeeded.
There is always more to learn, and I hope in a few years, I can write one of these with all the new lessons I have learned, because knowledge is power, and should always be shared!
So, with the logistics and lessons learned all blogged in part I, lets move onto the sexy adventures part that I know you are all waiting to read, because really, isn’t that the whole point of attending a lifestyle party?
We arrived at the New Years Eve Ballroom dressed to impress, or as the theme goes, Fancy as Fuck! I was wearing a sexy red dress with nothing underneath, and my partner was looking dapper in his three piece suit. We had a little liquid courage back in our hotel room while waiting for midnight to arrive, so were feeling pretty confident as we walked into the grand ballroom moments after the ball dropped. Here we stood, looking around at the hundreds of people drinking, mingling and grinding on the dancefloor. The visual sensation was amazing, with girls in little panties and pasties dancing in cages, couples getting to know each other on white leather couches, and a full dance floor lead by a live DJ and a laser light show. There were smiling faces everywhere, and it was contagious.
Now if you will recall in part I, I remarked how important the meet and greets and early events are to being successful at a hotel takeover. Having been unaware of this, our evening got off to a slow start. I, for all my credit, have not practiced the art of opening up a couple in a long time. Back home we let our costumes do most of the work, and here we found ourselves in a situation where we didn’t immediately stand out as being the most outlandishly dressed. In addition, this was a room full of people who had already vetted each other out and in many cases had playtime all weekend long. A few it seemed were all partied out from the night before and simply stayed till midnight before dragging their hungover butts back to their rooms.
Never one to be discouraged in new situations, my partner rallied and challenged me to a little game. My goal was to go up to a stranger and open them up. It didn’t matter if I wanted to fuck them, they just had to want to fuck me by the end of the conversation. I love games, and with a few deep breaths, I found a woman, beautifully dressed, standing alone, and I went to make my move (which is especially challenging for me because I am for the most part straight). Success! I opened, got her laughing and was actually able to introduce my partner to her, and she in turn tried to introduce her husband to us. As it turns out he was distracted, so we took our leave to continue the hunt.
Walking around the dance floor, my partner, encouraged me to go up to a guy in a pineapple suit, dancing happily on the dance floor and compliment him. This I serendipitously did, and both he and his girlfriend would end up opening doors for us, and inviting us to parties for the remainder of the night. After dancing, and chatting up a few more couples in the ballroom and the after party, we decided it was time to pursue some sexy fun. The pineapple suite couple invited us to their after party, and it was here we learned a magical thing of hotel after parties, the open door policy. If the door lock is flipped open, you are free to just walk into any room and find the sexy show of your choosing. It’s an incredible thing. 7 or 8 floors in a hotel, and at least 2 open doors on each floor (we were told that the night before there were a tonne more). Even so, here we stood, in a room with a bunch of strangers talking about vibrators, butt plugs and spankings. Moments like this will always seem surreal to me. Finding a bunch of sex positive people, all in a room, talking about sex like it is completely natural, and commonplace. I get a little quiet in these moments, just taking it all in. I watch, just listening as people laugh, tie each other up, pull out toys and bring out copious amounts of lube. It is an experience like none other. After watching for a few more minutes it was time for my partner and I to find some sexy adventures of our own.
I will gloss over the next few hours of hotel exploration, and hallway blowjobs, because I want to get to our steamy and sexy story which if is too much for you, then please stop reading here. Also, this is a great time to point out, that swinging is not easy! It actually took us hours to find what we were looking for, with constant negotiations, checking in, and of course sips out of our flask! But again, let’s fast forward to about 4 in the morning where our hard work was about to pay off.
If you’re tired of the mess after sex, click here to learn more about these waterproof blankets (and support your favorite blogger!)
We found a hotel room, that we had been in and out of already a few times. It had a stripper pole, a table full of booze, bed, couch and a few chairs. I was publicly giving my partner a BJ on the couch, with a few onlookers (which is one of my favorite things to do at a party), and he was edging closer and closer to cumming. Just before he reached the moment where he would lose control, he begged to fuck me on the bed. Suddenly I was bent over the side of the bed, with my dress lifted, and him lubing up his hard cock. Within seconds he was inside me, pounding me, leaning me propped up on the side of the bed. A woman dressed in a school girl costume sat on the bed beside me, and a guy who was pursing her looked longingly at playing with us both. He asked politely if he could touch me. With a slight pause I said yes, and he gently touched my arm. When he got the go ahead from the school girl he started fondling both of us. Within moments my partner was asking to touch her, too, while pounding me, and the playful four-way groping had commenced.
It’s hard to describe the feeling of two new mouths, licking and sucking your nipples, while fondling each other, and your partner fucking you from behind making you cum again and again, and watching his outstretched arm fondling her small and very perky breasts. These are moments you want to freeze frame and relive again and again, which is the main reason I am writing this. Pure sexual bliss and freedom. That moment of shared pleasure, and pure ecstasy. With everything building, it was time for my partner to join in the cumming fun. He flipped me onto my back, and within a few thrusts was ready to let loose all over my exposed breasts and stomach. At the moment of climax, the guy behind me grabbed my breasts and played with them as cum shot all over my bare body. With exclamations of oh, that is so hot from the couple sharing our experience, we breathlessly finished. Happy and exhausted. It made everything we had experienced that night worth the lessons and learning curve. We came, and we were beaming with the after-sex glow we love so much.
Our first hotel takeover was a success.
If you enjoyed this post, and want to see the behind the scenes, getting ready pictures, check out my Photo gallery page!