Perceptions About Penis Size: Swingers Edition

One of my more popular posts and definitely the one that shows up in searches most frequently is  this.  With penis and porn right in the title, it’s no wonder as men are fascinated by both.  That post was written long before I ventured to a swing club, and had never been in a room with more than 2 penis’s at a time.  Life has been kind to me since then, especially now that I frequent lifestyle clubs.  If you haven’t read that post I touch on the idea that large dicks found in porn are something many men want to see and actually seek out specifically in their porn searches.

But this is the swing club edition and things are a little different in this community.  What do I mean by that?  Let’s take a look at some swinger online forums, followed by a brief description of what I see in the real world, aka, in lifestyle clubs.

Firstly lets talk about what happens online.  If a guy posts that he has a large penis, and tries to discuss how some of his partners have complained or been off put by the size, he will get shamed.  He will get called out for bragging, or lying and basically be criticized for asking about a penis that is too big.  He doesn’t even have time to address his concerns the outcry is so loud.  Which is in stark contrast to what I have read about with men viewing porn with big dicks.  It’s scientifically documented in the search histories and porn hub, but with swingers, this does not seem to follow the standard rule.  Instead, men seem almost afraid to let a large dick into their midst.  It also seems by the chastising that occurs, men don’t seem to believe large dicks are a real thing, more like mythical creatures or objects.  And every single time I see a post about a large penis, someone cries out, “you’re not measuring it right… 99 percent of guys can’t measure it properly”.  And to that, I will actually agree, because as a woman, getting a professional to measure your breasts for a properly fitting bra is something that rarely happens but should.  Bras are extremely expensive and uncomfortable when not sized properly, yet we would rather guess and test.  Women have an actual necessity and still don’t do it.  Men, I don’t know of any professional penis measurer’s, other than the very accurate toilet paper roll test (I kid! And if you google, be prewarned it’s a dangerous rabbit hole) or why you would need it.  Ok, moving on.

If a man on the other hand posts that he’s worried about being to small, every manor of male rushes to boost his confidence.  With don’t worry about it, make sure you focus on oral, or bring toys, or we gotcha, women don’t actually care about large cocks.  It’s astounding the comradery about a small dick, versus the shame of a large dick.  In the online forum world it seems good to be small or average and very very bad to be large.  Basically, the polar opposite to the porn we all seem to watch.  So I’m left a little puzzled.  Men of the swinger world, are you OK with watching a large cock on a laptop because you know it isn’t real?  Does having one in the swinging community feel a little too close to home?  Does it perhaps make you feel a little insecure? Or make it an uneven penis pool?  I’m just throwing ideas out there, because swinging men resoundingly do not like talking about big dicks.  I on the other hand love it!

Now ladies, I have the funniest feeling we may be part of the problem here.  Have you ever told your partner that his size was just fine and you wouldn’t change a thing?  Have you ever said that you would be afraid of a larger penis or something to that extent?  And further to that, did you actually mean it?  If you did, and you believe all these things, then perfect, good on you.  But isn’t swinging about variety, and trying something you don’t normally get?  I ask this, because when couples share an account on online discussions, the men talk quite a bit differently and much more open minded.  They will say things like, I want my wife to be satisfied.  I am A OK with a larger guy because she likes it, and her happiness means everything to me.  And all these responses are perfectly fine, we should be able to express our opinions freely, I just get a little pissed off when every single large penis is shamed for asking questions.  And further women who do care about penis size are actually stigmatized for being “size queens” and frowned upon in the online setting.  Mostly by men who are obviously immature and insecure, oh wait did that sound judgy?  My bad.  Maybe I have a sweet spot for them because I get absolutely destroyed online if I complain that a cannot find clothes to fit me.  Tiny frame, large breasts, my goodness don’t get me started on trying to buy a bikini!  Those things are expensive and I have to buy 2 sets because they don’t sell tops and bottoms separately!  And people don’t like hearing that because the jealousy and envy supersedes my issue.  OK, tangent over.

Now let’s move into the real world.  For you see, most outsiders believe that a swing club/sex club is basically live porn so obviously there should be massive cocks everywhere.  Le sigh, this just isn’t the case though, sorry, the secrets is out, we are just normal, everyday people.  So let’s delve into what real world penis’s look like and how actual men react to them.  In a club setting… nobody cares!  Yup, that’s right.  The stigma is almost entirely an online phenomenon.  If there are real life insecurities, they are dealt with behind closed doors, and almost exclusively come down to, are you ready for this? Getting it up!  Personality, conversation, humour, supersede the penis size.  I have never once heard a guy lean over to another guy and ask how big he is down there prior to playtime, unless there has been too much booze, as some people are just tactless assholes no matter where they are.  So, in summary as is almost always the case, you cannot trust the internet.  What we google search, what we talk about and what happens in the real world are vastly different things.  So relax, and enjoy what you got.  And if you think I’m being sexist, re-read this post swapping male anatomy for breasts, boobs, etc and you will see that we are all equal when it comes to judgement.

Thanks so much for reading.  And if you liked this post, and want to see more, I am revamping my Patreon to give my readers and followers what they really want… that’s right, more boobs (all in support of my book writing endeavors).


Catching the Feels

This is a term that I see time and time again within the swinging community and if this is your first time hearing it, no, it is not something that swingers use in a positive light.  This is the term that really separates swingers from the rest of the non-monogamous spectrum.  Because one of the main attractions to partner swapping and sharing is the ability to isolate sex from emotions.  You in essence can sleep with a multitude of people, get to know them, be social and do all these exciting and amazing things in the bedroom, but remain emotionally monogamous with your spouse.  For you see, if you develop any sort of feelings you must stop seeing these outside partners immediately.  That is a breach of trust within your relationship and basically violating the golden swinger rule; Thou shalt not catch the feels!

I hear this term frequently, within forums and any discussion about how to approach swinging for the first time, especially from the older generations.  These couples have negotiated the ideal that they can have sex outside their relationship with the clear understanding that it is only sex.  They can play together multiple times with the same couple, sometimes even for years at a time but there is no emotional bond beyond the sex and friendship.  There is a line strongly drawn in the sand here.  Your emotional connection is reserved for your spouse/partner and only for them.  With the acknowledgement that sex with other people is a lot of fun and encouraged so by all means embrace the physical.  But if you blur those two ideals, then your very relationship could be in jeopardy and your swingers card is basically revoked.

Ok, I’m over stepping a wee bit on the that last one, because there isn’t actually a swingers card, although that would be really fun.  A card where you have to basically sign that you agree to consent, take responsibility for your own sexual safety and you agree to abide by the house rules, whatever those may be.  But I have digressed there.  Let’s get back on track, those icky feelings.

I have explored so many wondrous relationship norms on the non monogamous spectrum, and if you’re a regular reader you know that I struggle with rules.  I struggle with being told that any relationship I embark on has limitations.  I am so much more flexible and open minded about these things.  I want to be able to explore without limits, other than safe sex of course.  So, in essence I feel like I am living a taboo within a taboo.  A non-monogamous open mindedness for relationships within the parameters of swinging or at times vice versa.  It’s a strange feeling.

If you read my post Next Generation Swingers, you may have noticed that I see a whole new generation of swingers entering into the lifestyle and club scene.  And with that I see the potential to re-imagine or re-invent the term swinging, because the reality is it is already happening with the 20 somethings whether we like it or not.  They are groups of friends who go to clubs, host parties and have a much less restrained view on swingers and relationships.  It’s a new fresh community, which of course will create all new issues.  And the main one that I see, and dread being a part of, is the word drama.  When you eliminate relationships from forming beyond sexual contact with other couples, you do lessen the public drama.  Realistically there is still drama going on behind closed doors, and in private bathroom stalls (we’ve all been witness to those sobbing sounds).  But it is removed from clubs almost immediately, because bad vibes kill boners, it’s a fact.

So, with the influx of the young, and more relationship flexible people we are opening up to more drama.  Because relationships are very, VERY complicated.  So maybe that’s what the earliest swingers had in mind with the whole keep feelings out of swinging mantra.  And I have to admit, that they also created a very enticing idea of maintaining a constant adrenaline high of butterflies with new partners without ever having the heartache or breakup in the end.  But truly, don’t you think having the lows makes the highs so much more meaningful and valuable?  I know the argument that the lows are for marriage and that swinging is just a bonus for many.  So then my full disclosure here, is that I cannot separate sex from feelings if I want to get off in a way that really makes my knees shake, and nor would I want to learn how.  I adore the intensity of sex with people I care deeply about, so much more than just the fleeting excitement of newness.  The emotional connection has a staying power with me and that is where my physical attraction comes from.  So here I sit, a swinger outlier, yet again.  But I ask you, is there a single swinger out there who hasn’t yet discovered that you cannot ride the highs forever, no matter how much you try to avoid catching the feels?  Is this whole idea of sex without feelings simply a myth, an ideal that can never actually be achieved in the long term?  I would love to hear your thoughts…


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Swing Clubs, Singles, and Consent: My New Years Eve Tale

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me question if writing this post was even worth it, because I felt incredibly dissolution and let down after my New Years Eve swing club adventure.  Now that I have a bit of clarity and less emotion, I believe this post needs to be written and a few of my views openly discussed for the good of our non-monogamous/swinging community.  And if you’re outside of the lifestyle looking in, let this be an eye opener, that consent is mandatory and anything less will not be tolerated.  So let me begin my tale.

My partner and I have attended the same New Years Eve Swingers party for 3 years in a row in sunny California (our Christmas vacation destination).  We are familiar with the venue, the rules and in general the vibe.  We specifically seek out this particular club because it has the largest crowd of people, which boosts our chances significantly of finding like minded couples, great conversation and the hope of sexy times.  This New Years Eve however, was different.  Firstly, when we walked into the club, they were turning away a single guy at the door.  As luck would have it, this New Years Eve coincides with the usual single male welcome night.  While unfortunate for the guy not checking the website first, I was not too concerned being that our first time at this club single men were allowed and we didn’t have much of a problem.  To protect couples and keep active membership, there is a couples only play area that single men are never allowed into.  It even has security guarding it, or has every time we have gone previously.

For whatever reason, this New Years Eve the club was quieter.  I would say maybe there were 150 couples, whereas in years past there have been upwards 270 couples.  This actually had its very sexy benefits for us, because after midnight, we didn’t have to wait in line for the sex swing in the couples play area.  I could go on and on about how much I love that thing, the open corner its in, how hot I feel in it, etc.  However, I could not enjoy my time in the swing for long because within a few minutes we had a lonely male start to lurk completely unaccompanied by any female.  After my partner asked him to move on, we both decided that we would be much better off doing some exhibitionist exploration as the venue was so empty.  So, after a few quick sexy strokes in the hallway, we made our way to an upstairs balcony with a mattress and railings and the sexy sounds of a few couples playing.  There are 4 mattresses on various levels that overlook a mirrored hallway, with a white railing for the safety of the upstairs couples.  It’s a very hot little area, with couples on each bed and little cubbies below us, that you can see from the mirror.  The visual cues are beyond hot, really the stuff that has kept us coming back.  It’s an absolute playground for sexy times!

So here we found ourselves, getting hot and heavy with my partner overlooking the hallway of the couples only area with not a care in the world until we saw him.  A fully clothed single male who had wandered down the unmonitored hallway, alone.  And he wanted to watch our show.  My partner told him no and to move on.  I tried to get into the groove and switched from a passive on my back to a more in control doggy style, and knew that a big O was getting incredibly close.  The guy got closer and I glared at him, and turned my face.  He did not get the clear memo of no from my partner, and did not take the hint of my very angry face.  And as luck would have it I lost control, and reached for the railing as I started to cum.  And that stupid, single male, reached up and grabbed my hand as I was orgasming.  A fucking stranger, with no consent, grabbed my hand in my most intimate of moments.  I slapped his hand, but honestly, I was so consumed with pleasure and now the tinge of anger it was difficult to really process anything.  I felt a little uneasy, but thankfully also so safe with my partner that I was able to enjoy the rest of the night including another trip to the swing.

But in the morning, I felt violated.  I felt gross, and hurt that this guy was allowed back in a couples only area and was able to grab me and get away with it.  No, did not matter to him, body language meaningless and consent didn’t cross his mind.  When I reached out to the club a few days later, they were less than helpful.  They seemed more focused on me making a false claim that singles were allowed than the fact that there was no security around and that I felt uncomfortable.  They advised me that I should have stopped what I was doing, and immediately gone to their office to report the guy.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I was in no condition to stop mid orgasm to go and tattle on this guy.  And further more, why was a guy allowed in the club who was not aware of the rules of consent?  Or the rules of being part of the lifestyle?  Or basic human decency that you don’t touch another person without permission EVER?

I’ve written multiple times on why I don’t think the majority of single men should be allowed into clubs, and incidents like this only confirm my belief.  This isn’t an unwarranted stereotype or stigma. Men, when alone in clubs are usually stupid and make poor decisions.  They think with the wrong head.

Now I want to say a few words to the men in the lifestyle who are single, respectful and follow the rules.  I appreciate that there are a few gems in the swinging community.  And I wish that there were more of you because I love cock.  But I need to ask a serious question.  What are you doing to improve things for your acceptance in the community?  Do you tell your male friends about the work it takes to get into the lifestyle?  The hours upon hours of communication, self confidence building, and research to understand the rules and the core value of consent?  Are you a proactive member of the community who would educate someone, tell even a friend that he was out of line or if necessary call someone out who crossed a line?  Do you sit on the sidelines, keeping to yourself, staying out of trouble or are you active and proactive?

I ask these questions because I want to know the motivations for being single in the lifestyle.  I want to know what drives you, because then we can work towards finding a great and sex positive way to include you.  It’s obvious that the current standard isn’t working for single men, or for couples.  Men are not satisfied being excluded and couples are beyond frustrated with situations like I described happening or much worse.  We are not playing together in a positive way.  I almost feel like when men are finally allowed into a club, they figure that they have to try everything because they may not get the chance to be in there again.  That thinking scares me.  That mentality makes things unsafe and is part of the reason I wrote the post about not just trying the lifestyle for curiosity.  Men, if you want to be accepted, learn the rules and preach the rules.  Do not brag to your buddies about the hot live show you watched without mentioning just how many hoops it takes to actually get there.  Contribute positively.  It is not enough to just be one of the good guys.  You have a responsibility to do more, to be more, because quite frankly this experience was a deal breaker for me in ever going back to this particular club and they are one of the few that allow single.  Correlation or causation at this point make little difference to me.  The club was quiet, there was no security and members we’re not complying with the rules.  This is unacceptable.  We can all work to do better.

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Escorts at Swinger or Lifestyle Clubs

So apparently there is a term called “tickets” used for escorts that are invited/paid for by single men to get into lifestyle clubs.  And yes, if you’re a regular reader the timing of this post in relation to my last one is not lost on me.  Overall, I am an incredibly open-minded person, however I keep running into ideas and concepts that make me question just how accepting I really am.  I guess that’s why I blog, and keep questioning everything right?  So back to paying someone to get you into a club!

I have used the term pay for play quite frequently throughout my writing career and general advice to my clients whenever the need arises.  And I mean no disrespect to anyone, it just feels all encompassing and to me has little emotion or stigma attached.  I wish that sex workers were legally allowed to practice their trades for safety, and economic reasons.  Sex work is the oldest profession and it should be taxable and all its members protected under the law.

Now, with that said, I will come right out and say, just like single men, I do not believe that escorts or anyone who gets paid for sex should be welcome in the swinger community.  There are a number of reasons.  First and foremost, swinging requires work, communication and a solid foundation.  As well, trust and disclosure.  These are things inherently missing in sex work.  Even if legalized, there is more to gain for a working guy or gal from non-disclosure than from disclosing.  Livelihood is on the line, and it is unrealistic to think a person will stop working while waiting for a test result, etc.  We have to be practical about this.  Even a sex worker who is incredibly safe, and gets tested regularly still has to endure a slow health care system, with even slower results.  So in such a tight knit community that unfortunately relies on many assumptions about safe sex, and disclosure, these economic and physical demands unnecessarily increase risk.

The next point is in regards to consent.  In what way does that even work?  A male is most likely paying for a woman’s services for the evening.  Is he also paying for her to sleep with anyone else?  Who gets the bill in the wake of a foursome or swap?  There are finances on the line.  And legal issues to boot.  Within most swing clubs there can be no cash exchange in return for services.  Whatever my views on a future of legalized prostitution we are just not there yet.  So paying for sex is illegal.  Imagine not knowing someone was paid for sex and having that come out in the wake of a bust or exposure?  Again, unnecessary drama and decrease in fun overall.

Now lets get into motivation.  Is the man simply a single, who has always wanted to see the inner workings of a swing club?  Does he think he just found the golden “ticket” to get him inside?  If so, please refer to my previous post about why single men at swing clubs suck.  As much as exhibitionism exists, I may or may not know that first hand, I do not want outsiders thinking they can pay for the privilege of watching someone get their rocks off.  That’s what porn is for.  You are confusing live, non-consenting adults with paid professionals and that is never cool.  I don’t attend clubs for the public’s consumption.  I attend because I love being around like minded, non-monogamous, open and amazing people, who not to repeat myself, but have put in the work to be there.  They didn’t find this little loophole, a sneaky entrance, and the ultimate manipulation.

So in summary, if you think bringing a sex worker to the club is clever it’s not.  Swingers can tell!  You will not be invited back, regardless of how well behaved you are, or how much research you feel you have done.  Strong, stable, secure couples are hot.  A single man with his paid escort is not.  You put us physically, financially and emotionally at risk.  So don’t be that ass hole!  Consent in a swing club encompasses much more than just sex.  There is enough for us to have to trust in, do add to the burden for your selfish motives.  Besides, if you do it, you still won’t be able to brag to your friends afterwards so really, what’s the point?

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Red Pill and Swingers

I have always had a strange fascination with outlier groups and how they interact or even survive within society.  And further to that, I am keenly interested in the opposites attract model, for example, the blending of opera and metal is a genre that still takes me down amazing rabbit holes from time to time.  Polarization makes life interesting, for me at least from a historical and anthropological standpoint.  So, when I discovered a user name that merged Red Pill and Swingers, my interest was piqued.  I had researched red pill before, and have even mentioned them in this blog.  So, I asked the question, can the red pill mentality exist in the world of swinging as defined by reddit/urban dictionary.

I won’t lie my gut reaction was disgust that a red pill thinker would ever dream of stepping foot into the world of swinging.  Swinging is designed by default to give women full veto and control, under the assumption that the partners are on equal footing and both love the lifestyle.  Whereby, in the red pill society, the men believe that cultural norms are working to remove males identity so they need to push back, often very hard.  And yet, despite these two clashing views, I constantly see dynamics indicative of red pill believers or at least men who don’t value women to even an equal footing, interacting within the swinging world.  It is ironic at best that they would want to play within the confines where there is even a possibility of female driven dynamic or full partnerships.  Or perhaps they just don’t realize fully that this is so.

For example, I have seen men say that they have “allowed” their partner to have full control at clubs.  And that they re-assure her constantly that all she has to do is say no, and the brakes will be applied.  And yet, with these rules in place, breakdowns in communication occur.  These men are confused by a woman slowing down, or using any word other than no, to take a break.  For these male, the cultural norm is to respond to the word no, and no alone.  Any other verbiage or body language finds him confused, irritated and unresponsive.  This emotional lack of maturity or awareness breeds an unsafe environment.  One that lends itself to drama or violence.  I want no part of that.  Instability does not work well within swinging or non-monogamy.

I don’t like taking a stance that one group cannot play nicely with another, and yet I personally would not trust my body in the hands of someone who feels that he is victimized in society by women.  That his rightful place has been taken from him, and he needs to fight back.  A man whose vocabulary includes definitions like these below, has no place in my bedroom:

  • Snowflake – A woman who tries to persuade a man that she’s somehow unique, different, or special by playing up her good girl resume and downplaying her bad girl resume. When used as a verb, snowflaking refers to the argument she puts forth to justify her claim.
  • Solipsism – In Red Pill, solipsism (e.g. female solipsism) refers to the female’s tendency to frame everything she experiences or witnesses in terms of herself and her own needs – personalizing it **- even when such personalization would not make contextual sense.
  • The Wall – The point in a woman’s life where her ego and self-assessed view of her sexual market value exceed her actual sexual market value; the beginning of the decline. Usually occurs as a wake-up shock to women when they realize that their power over men was temporary and that their looks are fading. This usually results with first denial and then a sudden change in priority towards looking for a husband. Even after hitting the wall, many women will squander a few more precious years testing her SMV with alphas to double-check, hoping her perceived decline was a fluke, this will make her even more bitter when she finally has to settle for a worse-beta than she could’ve gotten before because of squandering her youth.

And I will say flatly that woman who are overtly feminists are difficult for me to interact with on a sexual level as well.  However, I wouldn’t fear for my safety or well being from a woman, to the same degree that I would from a man.  There is a visual size difference, and an assumption of unequal strength that are genetic and nothing to do with gendered acceptance.

Sexual freedom and expression is something I value highly.  However, as I peruse the gendered outlier dynamics that stray away from equality (Red Pill, PUA, MRA’s), I have no choice but to conclude that they are a group that should not be interacting with swingers.  And this conclusion surprises me greatly as I tend to find balance and some sort of middle ground in practically everything that I learn about.  Here, I have found nothing redeeming or acceptable in subscribing to a group mindset that dismisses facts about current gender climate and creates an artificial way of thinking to further boost an ego at the direct repression of another.  Red Pill thinkers and Swingers do not mix, and cannot find any rational reason, though I tried, to even entertain a middle ground.  If they get in, I want out.

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