Tag: Breaking Away

Breaking Away: My Next Chapter

Love, Sex, and What Comes Next

Love, Sex, and What Comes Next

There are so many things that society, or family dictate that you must keep a secret.  Your sex life for example, shall never be shared publicly.  So of course, I created a blog to explore and to ultimately better understand my last non-monogamous relationship.  It began as questions, and evolved into my stance that breaking away from taboos can be valuable, and sometimes even helpful to share.  Writing has given me clarity of purpose and is also how I best express myself, and find the answers to all of my many, many questions.  Sometimes I even stumble upon a snippet of wisdom or two, and I count myself lucky in that I’ve been fortunate enough to share with anyone who dares to read. Oh, and I may have finally finished my book… so stay tuned for details on that! But for this post let me get down to my next chapter brought to you by love, sex, and what comes next for me!

I am about to embark on a new sort of taboo and secret sharing, that is going to push me out of my comfort zone, yet again.  And that is this whole wanting a family thing.  Specifically, wanting children.  I am tearing up, simply writing those words, because there is a secret deep down, that I have felt necessary to keep to myself for quite some time.  And it’s hurt to do, almost as badly as the actual experience was, and that was my miscarriage early on this year.

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For those long time readers who are going, whoa!  I signed up to read about your experiences outside of monogamy, and not something so personal, such as loss.  And, at this point, I thank you so much for your support over the years, and completely understand you not wanting to continue.  For those who are still a little curious, as to what I can possibly be thinking right now, it is simply this; trying to have children is a subject that people are reluctant to talk about.  It is something that feels strange, and difficult to write about, or even talk about, and that is why, I know deep down, that I must.

Also, I have long touted myself as being sex positive.  And guess what?  One of the things that can result from sex, is procreation.  Thus, I don’t think this is a strange fit at all for this blog.  Sex is about pleasure, fun, love, and yes, sometimes even trying to create life.  I’m almost 40, financially stable, and have found the absolute love of my life.  And so, what better time than to try, fulfilling a dream I have had for decades, which is to be a mother. And yes, there can be no doubt that my biological clock is absolutely screaming at me to hurry up, before it gets too late, so hormones might play a little role too.

I have experienced so much when it comes to sexual exploration, as this blog can attest.  But the one thing, I have yet to experience is what sex is like, when two people who love each other, are trying to conceive.  I was trying to make that line cheesy and corny, but decided that blunt was the best.  When I accidentally got pregnant, I was horrified to realize the complete lack of reputable information for all the many questions that I had.  Yes, I am a sexual being, and yes, I want to continue to be a sexual being even when pregnant, but, above all, I want to do the right things, and ensure that I’m doing all the best things possible to ensure a healthy baby. And while this blog will never and can never serve to give medical advice, what it aims to do is share my experiences in an honest way.

I’m sure there are many people that don’t want to read about this journey, and that is absolutely alright with me.  But I know how many questions I had late last year when I found out, and how helpless I felt when everything went wrong.  I don’t think I am alone in that feeling, and as I have always said, if I can help just one person through my mistakes, and experiences, then all the vulnerability will be worth it.  My writing will remain raw, real, and yes, I will be talking about sex, this is me after all. So stay tuned, because I’m about to tackle something taboo, and write the secrets down that apparently you are not supposed to talk about. Love, Sex and what comes next!

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Hate is Hate is Hate: Get Out of Your Echo Chamber

More Plants, and Less Hate

Well, with another election completed I sit here drained and upset, not with the results, but with the hatred. I firmly believe that love is love.  In fact, I am writing a whole series on Medium about my exploration of love and everything that non-monogamy helped me explore.  You know, the whole, love takes many forms, shapes, and sizes.  It’s a beautiful thing, and if there is anything I would love to be remembered for, it is overcoming many obstacles, and instead of being bitter, or angry, actually showing a side of playful fun, laughter, and love.  Yup.  Pretty simple.  I want to love and be loved, in an aura of happiness and bliss.  Doesn’t that sound lovely?

But, again, here I sit, unfriending people from my real life networking who are spewing hate.  The problem is, they don’t seem to realize they are doing it.  They truly believe that they are on the side of good, and that my friends is the hypocrisy that I simply cannot tolerate.  The world needs people to fight for, and speak up for those who are unable to.  We all deserve love, safety, security, and access to more than basic human rights.  For all these things, we often require advocates with whom can recognize when things are unfair and enact real change for these humans.  This is the compassion and empathy that our world needs more of. 

What we don’t need, is people who go too far in this mission.  The people who become blinded in their own self righteousness brings those further away from the “them”. With the result being… more separation.  We must find a way to start opening the conversations.  We must all, suspend our disbelief for a few moments that we have “enemies” and reflect that perhaps we are all humans and it may be more effective to listen than yell. I know, I know, it sounds crazy.

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I wrote this post mainly, because we just had an election in my province, and that I was unfriending people who were displaying hypocrisy.  I wanted to explore that, acknowledging that yes, I am erring too. The complexity of this issue is that there are people I know I just cannot reach. And there is an element of self care, that comes from putting a little separation between people who are just so far gone, that it is draining to even be in their presence.  While I do wish I could talk to these people, one on one, I simply don’t have the energy for that large of a battle.  Echo chambers are frightening places right now, and waking up all those hornets is going to get me stung. 

This piece is more a start for me.  To ensure I know what my long term goal is.  You know, the ultimate legacy that I want to leave for future generations.  Big words, dreaming big, and envisioning a world with love, empathy, and compassion.  How will we get there?  By listening to people who may not share our views, and trying to find common ground.  But doing so only when we can, and understanding that sometimes it is OK to just close a door for a few moments, and let some of the emotion simmer out. 

As I was reminded a few days ago, after a rant and rave of a horrible customer, perhaps all he needed was a hug and someone to listen to him.  We live in complex times.  And I recognize that there is more to learn by asking questions, rather than having all the answers.  And that is a start to neutralizing hate. Oh and could we please stop telling people who to vote for, and start having arguments and debate again?!? That would be swell…

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So Many Changes…

Changes

I know I have been absent from writing for far too long. First, it was the result of falling head over heels in love, and not wanting my posts to be filled with the braggadocio rhetoric that I felt would be the result. Then, something actually happened that stopped my writing in its very tracks. While I am not quite ready to write about that particular subject matter, I will say, that in time, I know I will feel brave enough to give it the space it deserves. Until then, we have this little update post filled with a few of my many changes.

As of today, I am all settled into a new home, with a man I absolutely adore, and finally believe people when they say I look happy, that I deserve it.

This blog, has always been a safe space for me to explore my thoughts, feelings, and formulate the goings on of my brain into almost cohesive thoughts. When I was breaking away from monogamy, this space saved my sanity. It allowed me to connect with like minded individuals, and it gave me space to explore all the things that I needed to explore. Being a sexual being, and fluid in so many ways, this outlet, well, I cannot even begin to express how it helped change me into who I am proud to be in this moment.

(affiliate post)

That being said, there are changes happening. And I truly believe that I am finally on the path that I am meant to be. It was in breaking away from monogamy that I found out who I am. And thus, the title of this blog will remain the same. But, what I write about, on a forward basis, will inevitably be a little different. Why? Because in falling in love, I finally feel this completeness of mind and soul. And that is what I earnestly want to throw all my attention at. This one soul, who has captivated me, and absolutely adores me, and I feel the exact same way about.

I have no crystal ball, nor any magical ability to see what the future holds. All I do know, is my past was key to me finding this man. Just as his past, made him the man that I am in love with. This blog was born out of heartbreak, and now, it will be evolving due to love. Simple, beautiful, and incredible love. Maybe you’ll stick around to see where my musings take me, or maybe you’ll take your leave. Either way, thank you for reading (and supporting me on Patreon). I am so excited for my future, and I hope that you’ll stop in from time to time to see where that takes me.

My Summer Reflection

Summer Reflection: Cheers!

This summer, has been one of risks, and buckling down and just doing the hard things. I wish that I could say that it was a season that brought conclusions or even certainty, but I’m not sure that’s a place I exist. So, let me share a few milestones that I have worked on, and basically put into my brain, that yes, I may deserve a pat on the back even though I am not quite there. And maybe some kind soul will read this and agree, and perhaps buy me a coffee or a beer via my BreakingAway Patreon page? Any who, let me share a few of the big things I’m working on.

First and foremost, I am now financially free from my ex. It was exhausting at times, and the final step of a years long process to untangle our lives from each other. We are both in better places apart, and I am grateful that we were able to achieve this goal with civility. With that chapter closed, I was able to put the money from my separation to great use, and have made real progress in my future finances. I have struggled with money for decades, and I am proud to say that I have turned the corner with a real end in sight. I am finally in control of my own future.

Betty’s Toy Box (affiliate)

Now with that freedom, something else that I knew would happen, was an emotional release. And well, what that means for all you is that, I have been able to put the hard words on paper when it comes to the book I am working on. Yup, I am actively finishing my final edit, which, come hell or high water I will begin the pitching process and outside editing pain. I’m the closest I have ever been to finishing this, and with the fear comes this strange feeling of readiness. I am ready to let this project go out into the world, fear and all.

So, now, let me get to the summer of love summary. Well, I am no closer to an answer than when this summer started. Real connections have been made, and while I have no clue what the future will hold, I will say, I believe this was the summer of friendship. Clearly that is not where I want these stories to end, but, I am resting easy in the knowledge that none of this effort has been wasted. I have met and interacted with incredible people, and I feel rich in the knowledge that real friendships have been forged out of this. Yeah, there has been a lot of crap, and a heap of rough stuff to navigate, sorry to my nearest and dearest for having to listen to it all, but ultimately, there have been no regrets this summer. I took risks, shared real feelings, and had some intense conversations, and even better, I had some really fun moments, and a lot of laughter.

So, those are some of my summer reflections. Yes, I know the season isn’t over yet, and of course being me there is so much more to come, but… I wanted to take pause and give myself a reason to enjoy a few moments. I have worked hard, and even though the joy is by myself, I am patting myself on the back. The hard work will pay off. And the journey, well… it’s been an adventure!

Boy Free Zone… ?!?

Boy Free Zone

It’s been 2 months of living solo, and whether by design, necessity, or circumstance, my new place has turned into a boy free zone. And I am not quite sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, having a place where not one man has my address is completely freeing. And thus, it has become my sanctuary.  On the other hand, it’s tough to know for sure if this is due to me just not feeling anyone is worthy of coming over, or if I’ve just been holding out for that one special person. If you had asked me 5 years ago if I even thought there was just one special person, I would have said hell no!  We can have multiple, and thus, by extension, I should by now, have given my address to multiple men, living wildly in my free and single youth-ish? Yet, here I sit, in my boy free zone.

I’ve written a few times in my Medium articles about this idea that any relationship is valid, so long as you and your partner choose it.  And this, this is the relationship I want.  One that works for my partner and I.  One that we come up with together, suits our lifestyles, and brings both of us the highest possible level of joy. First though, I have to find that partner.  Wait… am I even doing this right?  Is this even a thing?  Am I once again, out on an ideological limb, forging a path in the most dense forest I can possibly find?

Now though, I am just not sure what I want in a long term relationship.  I know, for my regular readers you’ve seen my back and forth over the past few years, with my uncertainty becoming more and more prominent. And of course I know that that is not the way I am supposed to do things. As time goes on, I am supposed to gain clarity and a sense of what I want. But… and here is the big but… I am stuck with the idea that I must first discover who I want.  And that, will lead me to discover what type of relationship I will want to forge.

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Yeah, probably.  Because that seems to be what I do best.  Get an idea, then just run with it, headstrong and fancy free?!?  So, again that brings me to this whole “no boys allowed” thing. If I want a partner, and I want to forge my own path, why I am being so protective about my space?  Why am I not allowing boys to come on over?  Again, I find myself with more questions than answers, clinging to this hope that this will all work out for me.  It must, right?!?!

I have a year lease, so I hope that at some point over the next year, I get to write about actually having my first boy over!  Cause that would be pretty spectacular!  But, with my luck lately, I should probably not try and get too far ahead of myself.  Baby steps.  One little plan at a time.  For now, boy free is working, or I have just accepted that it is what it is. I do hope that special soul is out there, wanting to be the first one invited.  But my life continues to remain weird.

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