Breaking Away: Embracing My Fluid Relationship

Piloting my own life

I am standing on the verge of something that feels completely out of my control, and yet, I know I am responsible for putting everything that is about to happen in motion.  I worked so hard to throw every single ball I could into the air and get things started for me in my personal and career world, I didn’t stop to consider what may happen if I caught more than one of those balls.  Or worse, if I caught none of them.  So to put it more plainly, I am Breaking Away from the comfort I knew, and forging my own way!

I have always believed that the universe starts aligning when you are on the right track.  That you run into more people that you have connections with, that serendipity starts to strike with increased frequency, and just generally, better things start to happen.  I feel that right now.  The balance is being restored because I am taking control of my future.  The problem inherent in this, is I might have taken a little too much control of that future.  So much so, that I am not entirely sure, which of my decisions has begun the domino effect of this shift.  Which is both exciting, and scary.

2018 was a very bleak year for me financially, and personally.  2019 did not start any better.  But here, I find myself seeing some return on the work I have put into not only myself, but my relationship, and recreating a social network of incredible human beings.  I feel a growing confidence to be my authentic self.  To put myself out there in a way, I never have before, by that I mean in the real world, and not just on paper.  The nagging fear that I will end up alone, and with nothing is still there.  But that voice is getting a little softer with each passing day. 

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It feels like I am getting my strength back.  That I am less consumed by the what ifs, and more cognizant of the reality that I will survive whatever I am to face.  Well, of course with the exception of being hit by a bus.  I built up a brand, and am starting a career out of nothing but my experiences.  That is real, and it grows more tangible by the day.  While there is so much uncertainty in my current relationship, I am for the first time in months feeling hopeful.  Not in certainty that we will be together forever as I felt before, but rather, that we will both be where we need to be this time next year.  If you love something, set it free.  While many who know me on a personal level may guess at who this refers to, you will be surprised to find out, it’s actually about me.  I am setting myself free to pursue what and who I want on my terms.  I may come home empty handed, but I won’t regret this time of self learning, discovery, and finding a way to pursue some pretty intense dreams of my own. 

I share this in my Breaking away from monogamy blog because I have an amazing support network through you my readers and all those that I love.  I have given a lot of thought to term that I feel is starting to fit my life, and that is having a fluid relationship.  While I don’t like labels per se, I am finding comfort in a term that can grow and evolve with me, my lifestyle, and my relationships.  As I am about to turn 36, I am eager to start exploring a more fluid dynamic in my life.  Breaking away from the regret of not jumping through the right hoops.  And instead cherishing what I have accomplished, while not lamenting what I have lost or was just unable to achieve.  I like many, hate admitting failure.  And these past few years, I have had to come to terms with a lot of my own failures and shortcomings.  But here is to new beginnings, a more realistic outlook for the future, and the certainty that I am putting out my best self for all the sexy new adventures life will be throwing my way!

Did you know it is my birthday this month?  My wish list is simple and short… Beer! Ok, it is actually for a new microphone so I can start up my sex positive podcast again.  If you would like to help, please head on over to my Patreon page.  You can subscribe for a day, week, or even a month at whatever tier you choose (all the rewards are listed on my page)! 

Being Sexual and Laughing It Off

Being Sexual

Recently, I rejected a guy on POF by stating that we were only looking for couples right now.  If you have heard me say this before, it is my standard rejection, and I state looking for couples right on my profile.  As sometimes happens, he got very upset with being told no, and responded with the length of his penis, followed by a picture of it.  True to form, I reported him, blocked him, and then went on to Twitter to vent my frustration and ask the age old question: Why do men still do this

While I received the usual support, I also received a shocking response.  While I am usually pretty level headed about the garbage I get being sex positive online this one got under my skin and rattled me.  A guy responded with “I can honestly not understand how you can be so humourless, yet pretend to be so sexual. And yes, block away”.  Wait a tick, my sexuality is being called into question because I was angry at receiving a non consent based nude image, also known as sexual harassment?   Did you know that in Texas, and possibly soon to come into law in NYC that sending an unsolicited dick picture on an online dating site is actually now illegal

This isn’t me just being a prude here.  This is such a rampant problem, that people are beyond sick and tired of it, and we are taking legal action by demanding laws to protect us.  I don’t think it’s funny to laugh about an unsolicited dick in my inbox.  This is harassment.  It’s not funny.  Unless the thought process is that men want us to start laughing at their penis’ I just do not follow the logic.  How many more posts, podcasts, blocks, and laws do we need to pass to make it clear that this is not funny.

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I recall my mom being exposed to on a c-train about 20 years ago.  The crazy thing about the whole situation is how many people were around her, and did nothing.  They pretended not to see it.  When the cops arrived, there was only one man who came forward as a witness out of nearly 10 people who should have seen something.  My mom pleaded with the woman who was sitting beside her to come forward, but she refused.  Should we as a society just laugh that off?  Should we just laugh it off when someone is rejected by a complete stranger and they lose their shit and send what may or may not be their fully erect penis?  Is complacency the target here? Or worse, making it a joke? 

And now let’s deal with the fact that this random guy on twitter, took the time to comment on my own sexual nature because I didn’t laugh.  I felt publicly shamed.  My sexuality was openly called into question.  How is that OK?  Why did this guy (twitter) who claims he has never sent a dick pic himself still rationalizing that I am somehow in the wrong for standing up for what I believe in.  I think sending a dick picture should be a criminal act just as exposing yourself in public to a stranger.  I do not think that this stance should be a reflection of my sexuality, or my sex positive stance.  That is an asinine correlation and positively disgusts me.  That`s as dumb as saying I asked for it, because I rejected the guy on the online dating site.  NO!  My sex positive nature will not be on trial here.  No, my sensual boasts hold firm.  I have a right to consent to what level of nudity I see in an online world.  That does NOT diminish my sensual nature.  In fact, I think it increases it, because I know what I want, need, and what turns me on!

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Reader Feedback: Sex Positive, Breaking Away, Fantasies, and More

Reader Feedback Time: Sex Positive

Over the past few weeks, I have been branching out my writing, podcasting, and now I need a little bit of help.  Some of you have been reading since the very beginning of this blog, while some of you are very new, or just occasional readers.  So, no matter how you happen upon this little post, your feedback, and input are equally important.

Breaking Away From Monogamy

Firstly, this blog has and will remain about my random thoughts on everything to do with relationships, non-monogamy, and all subject matters that relate to sex positivity.  But further to that, I have developed a sex positive podcast, currently called BreakingAway.  In this, my aim to is talk about all subject matter related to being sex positive, sex education, and exploring other people’s relationships and why they are a part of this incredible sex positive community.  So, in the comments section, are there any topics that you would like me to explore?  What burning questions do you have that you would love to hear me talk about? 

Fantasy Writing

Second up, if you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed that I have begun to write a few erotic fantasies.  So, dear readers, where would the best fit be for me to post these?  A few suggestions would be a teaser called blog after dark, whereby I write the first part, and then the second for any Patreon fans who want to read more.  Or another suggestion would be for me to add an audio component to my Patreon and actually read a few of these for anyone who wants to read them.  I have a few reasons for not wanting this erotic writing to just be free on my blog, is the subject matter.  If my website gets flagged for erotica or porn, then I will have major hurdles to deal with when it comes to the branding of it.  There are so many new rules right now for the word porn, sex, etc. and really, I just don’t want to have to censor myself.  And making these posts public, would mean I have to.   So what are your thoughts?  How would you want to consume my non-monogamous fantasy shorts?  Please write in the comments.

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Non-Monogamous Relationship Coaching

Third, is my dating and relationship coaching website.  I have been toying with the idea of shutting this down altogether and bringing a few tabs over onto my main blog page breakingawayfrommonogamy.  While this would save me a bit of money, ultimately, the majority of you have asked me to keep it separate.  So, if you are looking for book reviews, recommendations, non-monogamous dating or relationships coaching I do have a separate website that you can reach me at breakingawayfromrelationshipnorms.com.  I have had so many people reach out to me over the years, that it would be a shame to shut down that resource side and that is not what I want to do.  I want to be available to help, answer questions, and basically remain a resource.  So if you are curious, please feel to reach out to me there, and we can discuss the next steps.

Sex Positive Books and Blogs

Fourth and final thought.  Earlier this summer, I announced my newest website which is sex positive books and blogs.  The hope was for this to be a resource centre for people to explore media related to being sex positive.  I have reached out to a few contributors to share their books, blogs, podcasts, etc and the response has been amazing so far. For my end, it has been a matter of finding the time to ensure that I am promoting and placing your amazing contributions in an easy to use place.  This is still a go, but it will take a bit more time before I make it active.  So thank you, and please stay tuned on the Twitter news feed for my next announcement.

Contact Me or Comment Below

So, that about summarizes my questions for you.  I would love for you to comment, and share your thoughts and ideas about where you want what, and how you best enjoy consuming your sex positive content!  If you do feel uncertain about posting publicly, you may also DM or e-mail me.  The only caveat if you don’t want to make it public, is that I would ask is you please like this post on whatever social media you see it on so I can get the most feedback possible and best plan for the fall.

Cheers!

Krys

Building a Sex Positive Brand

Building a Brand, while marching to my own drum!

What You’re Not Supposed to Talk About: The Lows

On July 30th I will be celebrating 8 years of blogging and as I have written a few times, I have certainly learned a lot and grown into the Sex positive soul that I am today.  But there is one key point that we, as content creators are not allowed to talk about, and that is the low’s of building a brand.  And that is just what my writing has become.  It has evolved past my own words, and into an identity all of it’s own.  It is a blog, a website, a coaching business, a podcast, and a place that has grown far beyond what I ever could have imagined at its conception.  And the reality is that it was incredibly hard, and I have shed countless tears over it.  And yeah, here I go again tackling another taboo subject, building a brand and what you’re not supposed to talk about, it sucks and is hard.

Social Media Skews Reality

For whatever reason our society has decided that social media is a place where you can freely share all the joys, highs, and amazing points in your life.  By extension, the same is true of starting your own business or brand.  We want to build this illusion that we are successful right from the onset.  Fake it till you make it is the rally cry we here.  If you want to get funding, support, accolades, or any sort of exposure you need to be unique, successful, and solve people’s pain in a way no one else can.  And yes, these factors definitely play into building a brand and are important for growth and success.  But, this is only a very teeny tiny fraction of the truth behind any creation, company, product, or in this case a brand.  The truth is, it is 99% percent blood, sweat, and so many tears in the beginning, and very few ever find success from all that hardship, and yet, we keep up with this smoke and mirror anyways because we cannot let go of our dream, or our what if.

But you see, I am not supposed to talk about this.  By sharing with you that blogging about my first open relationship, all the trials and errors of non-monogamy, and all the hardships I have faced by publicly sharing nude photos will give you doubt about my abilities as a writer.  It will make you question why you follow me, interact with me, or share my work.  If I go out, into the world showing the entire picture, I will be showing the truth behind the magic.  And then, what am I?  Just another hack, pushing and prodding, waiting for my next big break.

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The Creators Myth

I am supposed to tell you that I blog for fun.  It’s my hobby and if I ever make it great, but if I don’t that’s fine too. I love what I do.  And I will be completely honest with you, this statement is true.  I adore what I do.  And I am the entire embodiment of this brand I have built.  It has been worth almost every second I have put into it, and it is my passion.  That my friends though, is not the entire story.  The passion is the fuel that allows me to write a little more every day, and create engaging content, or photos.  But, you cannot feed yourself on passion alone, actually you cannot feed yourself at all.  And that my dear friends, is what we are not supposed to talk about.

I have a very dear friend who has created an incredible product, and has received awards, accolades, and international exposure for his invention.  People are constantly telling him that they love what he does, he is on the cutting edge of something big, and that they will support him any way that they can.  So he tells them that he needs funding to build the next prototype.  Guess what happens when the investors hear this…?  You guessed it, crickets!  Now again, I am not supposed to share this, and he is not supposed to share this pain.  Instead, we are all supposed to keep fighting the good fighting, wishing and praying that one day our ship will come in. Hard work always pays off we tell ourselves.  And yes, someday it will.  However, when you are in the thick of things, treading water, desperately hungry, and trying to fuel yourself with dreams, it gets…. disheartening.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Are you going to see a huge Go Fund Me link at this end of the post because I have guilted you into paying for the content that I offer?  Nope, that would feel weird, coercive, and honestly challenge my whole identity and belief of free flowing information.  While there will always be an affiliate link and a Patreon offer with each post, your interaction with those offers will not change the content I love producing.  This post is more directed at the other content creators, inventors, entrepreneurs, etc.  I want you to know I hear you pain, I feel the loneliness of hearing nothing but crickets post after post, and I acknowledge you wanting to throw in the towel and say screw it this isn’t worth all the shit, and abuse we get online daily.  We aren’t supposed to talk about the pain of building a brand, so I say screw it, let’s talk about it! 

Sharing is Caring!

I want to hear your stories, so please write a post and link it in the comments, or link it to my twitter feed (with a note it’s OK to share) and I will add it to this post!   It’s OK to talk about the bad.  It’s human, and we need to feel safe to do more of it!

A Rant: Respecting the Word No

No means no!

I’m feeling raw and vulnerable, because it happened again.  It always seems to happen.  Here I am, trying to be open, fun, and authentic and then boom, some jackass takes it too far.  They stop respecting when I say no.  And they try… wait… they do push my boundaries, simply because they believe something inherently false, that women do not know what they want.  That I, do not know what I want.  Why?  Because they have their best intentions at heart and I can trust them.  I have heard this argument so many times in my life, that it really has done a mind fuck on me.  And yes, there is a time and a place when this may be true.  I.e. when you are in a committed relationship and your partner knows you better than you know yourself.  Or when there is an established, vocalized, and consent based trust that they will not ever push you into a place that would harm either of you.  Then, of course, there is an exception, and perhaps the good intentions hold true.  But even then, if I or anyone else says no, the demand is that it be heard.

Good Intentions VS Perceptions

But that’s not where I find myself right now.  I have numerous people in my life with whom I have to keep re-iterating my boundaries.  How many times can I say, “no, I don’t want a hug” or “no, I don’t want to have sexualized conversations with you, because we don’t have that type of relationship”.  It becomes exhausting steering the conversation away from sex or relationship topics or even something as simple as talking about my personal life.  That nice guy adage of talking about your feelings will make you feel better is bullshit.  I’m not playing those games or letting you into my mind!  It makes you feel better to see someone hurt or vulnerable, not me!  How many times do certain men need to be shot down before I have to up the ante, and get really mad or worse, cut them out of my life completely?

There is a huge difference between being playful, flirty, and fun, versus just pulling out all the stops and ignoring the word no.  If I say, no, I demand that to be respected.  I know myself.  I know my body, and I know my comfort levels.  On and on this note, body language plays a huge role in this too.  If you reach out to touch someone, and they do not reciprocate the touching, it’s time you took a pause and ask them if they are OK with it.  I think we all know what that uncomfortable hug from someone you don’t want touching you feels like, and when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable place it is so much worse.  You begin to dread having to ever see them again.  You need to get consent before you touch someone, and crush that part of you that thinks your touch someone is more important than their answer.  And no, it not OK to look crushed and hurt or make them feel guilty for whatever their answer is.

Why Do I Feel Raw?

Now you may ask why I opened with feeling raw and vulnerable because I seem to have a very clear picture of what I want.  But the truth is I am getting very tired of feeling that this is my fault.  That writing this blog, sharing sexy pictures on Patreon, or posing for Instagram with my beer and boobs, somehow means I deserve to be ignored.  Or that I must be open with everyone.  Or that I identify as a sex positive individual and therefore, I want to talk sex all the time, and be touched by everyone.  Or worse, that you think you are special because you read my work, understand me, and now feel that you somehow are a part of my intimate life.  Let me be very clear, I share what I want to share, and I want to be free to continue doing so.  I do not owe you anything, and I do not have to expand on topics for your own delight.  And again, if I say I don’t want to talk about it, respect that.  Do not give me your puppy dog eyes, and put your hand on my thigh, telling me that you’re always here if I need you.

A Little Math to Help Clarify

Let’s put some math into this to help me explain.  Let’s say you have read 10 of my blog posts, and we have had 1 conversation in person that lasted about 10 minutes.  Do you think that in that short amount of time what you know of me, versus what I know of you is now equal?  Do you honestly think that somehow, magically, you have put enough work into building trust and a relationship that we are on equal footing and you can ignore when I say no?  Or to ignore when I blatantly brush you off, and do not reciprocate to a single one of your advancements?  If you’re wondering, each one of my posts takes at minimum of an hour of my time (keeping the math simple here as some take days).  So, from a simple algebraic formula can you get this to balance?  Remember, I have already put in 10 hours of my life, to your 10 minutes.  Are you seeing the inequality here?   

And let me tell you, I am sick and tired of men taking advantage of that and thinking they don’t have to put in any effort with me.  More to the fact, I am exhausted from working so hard to let me guard down, and then boom, feeling like I am faced with blatant sexual harassment that some how I feel is my fault.  Because I was open, sex positive, and shared my vulnerabilities publicly. 

In Short, Respect the No!

The world is changing.  The #metoo movement is real.  It is no longer acceptable for men to just keep pushing until they get slapped or the woman changes her mind, mind you that was never a great tactic but if you lived through the 80’s and 90’s you’ll remember that being pretty common.  Remember those days are over.  Wake up!  If you have ever had a woman claim that you crossed the line, you are the problem.  You need to change your tactics and never do that again.  Respect the no.  Do not push it.  And here’s the thing, even if a woman has been uncomfortable even one time, I have to re-iterate that you have done something wrong.  Woman should never feel uncomfortable.  It means you have not put in the time required to build trust, you are ignoring clearly established boundaries, and/or you are not respecting the person you are interacting with.  I don’t care how “good” your intentions may be in your head, your actions are clearly in violation of your intentions, you are not the nice guy that you think you are, and you need to stop that behaviour immediately!

End rant!

Posts like this are why my pictures are no longer as sexy on my blog.  Someday, I hope that will change and I will be free to be an exhibitionist publicly, for now, check out my Patreon for all the behind the scenes content!