Tag: BreakingAway

The Rollercoaster of My Life

    K Ghislaine
Yoga Calming the Rollercoaster

The past few days have been a shiny example of the rollercoaster of life, and true to form I am going to openly and honestly share a few of the highlights and my thoughts. My personal life is going through some pretty significant changes. I am questioning what I want from future relationships and openly exploring what that might look like for myself, and those around me.  My book has taken what I consider to be an incredible turn, and I am writing with more passion and purpose than I have in a long time.  Also, I have met a person who is treating me the way I had always hoped was possible but never dreamed I deserved. It’s new, fresh, and very exiting.  And while I am just trying to live in the moment, and take things that are really new day by day, it’s difficult not to look back on my past and wonder why I made certain decisions.

While all these pretty significant things are going on and bringing me beautiful little highs, I am getting slammed back into reality at what seems every fricken turn. Physically I am in a pain, but healing from a sprained wrist and body aches from an icy fall I had. Emotionally, I am at a place where I am trying to be vulnerable with one person, and putting up walls and boundaries with another. It is an exhausting struggle, that multiple times during the day I worry that I am just going to break, say the wrong thing, or cave all together. The balancing act is treacherous, and I look forward to the day when all this emotional regulating pays off. Unfortunately, I see no end in sight, and that makes my emotions difficult to anticipate. Which in turn, makes me a little volatile, and wanting to just run away to some safe haven, and hunker down until everything has stabilized.

So, while all the real world stuff is playing ping pong with my emotions, I spent yesterday reading the comment section from my last blog post. Not only, did I get to read fully unsubstantiated claims, I also found out that my troll is back. Normally I just smile, and calmly respond to haters (I’ve done it for years and am pretty adept at not taking things personally), but yesterday, it broke me. Call it bad timing, or whatever you want, but honestly, I just dropped my head down on my desk and started crying.

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Breaking Away from Monogamy is my blog. It is filled with my words, my experiences, and my truth. To have that questioned, and then my integrity called out within a few hours by multiple people just shook me. Yes, I recognize that by admitting that the troll got to me, I am opening myself to more trolling. When it comes to random internet attention seeking there is nothing I can do or say to make it stop aside from ignore it which I usually end up doing. Today however, I am choosing to be honest in saying that the so called “truth” seeker is a thorn in my side. And the timing of that person coming back into my life just plain sucks.

But, here I sit, writing about all these rollercoaster events happening, and thanks to an amazing nights sleep, I may finally be regulating on the side of that little thing called hope. There are great human beings out there. A few of you even reached out and supported me yesterday, which was beyond appreciated. And that is what I will try and focus on. Hope is healing me. And I wish the same for each and every one of you out there. Take a pause and focus on one tiny thing that glimmers with possibilities. Hold that in your mind, visualize it, materialize it before you, and let that be your 2021 ray of sunshine. I’ve got my hope written on my calendar beside me, and I read it every morning and smile. And I want all of you to have the same.

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Breaking Away with Jazz

    K Ghislaine
Breaking away with Jazz

Late last year when things seemed pretty financially and emotionally hopeless for me, I set a goal; purchase my own piano when I paid off some debt. As I searched for the most budget friendly digital piano it dawned on me that I didn’t just want it to collect dust in the corner. I needed something to work towards, something truly meaningful to me. And that my friends was learning to play Jazz. The soul of the music, the delight I feel when it dips into minor tones and comes back again and the way it just sounds so effortless taking my mind on the most wondrous journeys. It truly is a genre with endless versatility: at one moment fuelling my creative soul, and at another calming my breathing so I can get the deepest possible stretches, then of course there are the songs that linger for days on end touching on emotions I hardly knew were there.

Jazz has been a part of my life pretty much from the moment I turned 18 onwards, when I bought my first Ella Fitzgerald CD and began researching her career and musical evolution. The obstacles she had to overcome just to share her gift was so beyond anything I could comprehend. I grew up in Canada, as a white girl, being told that I could do anything I put my mind to. And here was this woman, with more musical talent than I have in my whole being getting shut out of club, after club simply because of the colour of her skin. Being an 18 year old, idealist surrounded by people of all races, I thought proudly to myself, look how far we have come! Look at how equality has been achieved! 

I believed this right up until my half Jamaican niece was born nearly a decade later, and I saw firsthand something shocking, racism in my own backyard. Family members were worried that this little girl was going to have a tough time growing up due to the colour of her skin. They were concerned that life would be so much tougher for her, than for the rest of us. I fought this mentality, and debated with them, that it was their close-minded views projected on her, and that she would be absolutely fine. That this birth was amazing, and she would be given the exact same opportunities as everyone else. I even had heated debates saying that we as a society no longer see colour. I was so naïve.

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A few years after her birth, my cousin called me in a fit of rage, because she took her little girl to the public pool, and a lady asked her where she got her baby. Listening to her experience, I felt the most helpless pain. Then there was an incident a short time later, where a woman threatened to call the police on this amazing mother for apparently kidnapping a child that couldn’t possible be hers. I was horrified. Was this simply a small-town mindset or was something deeper going on? Again, I put these thoughts on the back burner, and proclaimed how proud I was that I didn’t see race. That I could look beyond everything and love this little girl with all my heart and soul.

Over the last few weeks, I have questioned this very painful thought, and am making progress to break away from it. I thought not seeing race was the ultimate goal, but my mind is changing. I don’t want to “not see race”. I am coming to the conclusion that we actually need to celebrate other races, and cultures and include all of these unique attributes into our society with open and loving arms. Embracing the diversity, and finding a way to integrate it as a complex system, rather than striving for us all to one day be the same colour (which I always in my head hoped would magically be purple). And that is when I got an idea, music is one of the most meaningful ways that I have learned about diversity, and the experiences of other people. Why? Because music brings people together. It is an expression beyond words, it is something you feel, and it is something I feel very deeply.

Personally I have a lot of work to do with breaking free of some of the naïve ideals I thought were important, and if you are willing, I will be sharing my journey every few posts. I do not feel that change will happen over night. I see racisms I didn’t even know existed and I want to do as much listening, and amplifying of amazing voices that I can, while at the same time staying true to myself and bringing positivity into the world. Uniting Jazz, into my sex positive blog is the best way I know how to do that. I hope you enjoy listening to the incredible music I am exploring, with my personal focus being artists who are black, and culturally diverse. And let us not forget, that once we are all free to be non-monogamous sexual beings again, that music plays an intrinsic role in sex, and just setting an atmosphere, which when the time is right we will explore together too.

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We Are in the Darkest Timeline…

    K Ghislaine

And When We Need Empathy the Most, It Doesn’t Seem to be Working

Let us start at the beginning, what does empathy really mean?

It is “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.”

I have always thought of myself as an empathetic person.  Putting myself in other people’s shoes is something I do without thinking. Perspective is everything, and I love having the capacity to experience and understand more about the human experience through this skill-set. Using this mindset it feels valid for me to claim that I am an open-minded sex positive individual and in turn coach and help those who are struggling with various aspects of their non-monogamous relationships. It’s difficult to write this, without appearing like I am bragging, but the honest truth is developing empathy was how I survived a difficult childhood. As an only child, moving every 3 years, I had to efficiently learn skills to fit into new situations quickly and without any previous frame of reference.  And if you believe in such things, I am a libra, and I have been told this brings a natural balance to my perspective. 

Now, to the post at hand. There is a lot going on in the world. People are justifiably angry with, well, pretty much everything. From being forced to isolate, to the disgusting murder of a black man by people of authority, to the fact that it is supposed to be pride month, and quite frankly we have very little to celebrate. All in all 2020, has sucked so far. And being a person with a platform (no matter how small), I believe it is my duty to speak out and show support for all the people who are suffering. But there is a huge problem with this, empathy doesn’t seem to be working.

In all my years of blogging, and being active on social media, never have I felt this total chaos.  And by chaos, I mean this completely helpless feeling where everything I do is wrong. Empathy, up until now has always been a strength and has helped me be an ally to the people who truly need it. Now though, people are just so damn angry I am at a loss of how to help. Being silent is never OK, but when I am called out for being “obtuse” due to asking what black charities small businesses can donate to in my local community, it is obvious that anger is at the boiling point. Again, I want to make it clear, that I have complete empathy and want to learn, help, and ensure that racism is extinct from out future. But, I have to say again, I am at a loss of how to do this.

One theme I keep seeing is that activists are exhausted from providing lists, resources, and links to those among us who keep asking what we can do. The frustration seems to be that it is far more important for the white ally to just do some research to find the best charity etc. on their own, thereby taking a more active approach. But I hope you understand, there are many of us who just don’t want to make anymore mistakes or make things worse. I for one, have always been taught never to use race as a means of dividing people. So it goes against everything I know to do a specific Google search for black owned/run companies or charities. It feels, like I am doing something wrong. Why should it matter what race/orientation/ etc. a company is run by? That is the preconception I go into this with. And the confusion doesn’t end there.

When one person says that they don’t want to see any white person use #blacklivesmatter, and another says that “silence in white people is supporting white supremacy” or that unless you have experienced racism you should just shut up and let black people talk, it becomes less and less clear how not to mess this up. I am at a complete loss as to how to be an effective ally. Racism needs to end. All humans should have fair access to healthcare, education, and due process under the law. Equality for all needs to be fought tooth and nail to achieve. So I ask again, please, tell me how I can help?

I would love to boost black authors, sex positive educators, and support in anyway I can. However, I don’t want it to seem like I am just pandering for the here and now. I want desperately for these actions to be meaningful, insight real change, rather than a temporary increase of exposure, unless that’s all you want me to do. I’ve seen call outs for specific contributors, and I am going to be brutally honest, looking for one specific voice has always made me uncomfortable. Again, my bias has always been an open space where anyone should feel comfortable commenting, interacting, or even reading. And if this is not appropriate at this time, I need to know.

Empathy used to be enough. The complete willingness to learn, support, and stand up for what is right has always worked for me, as I said, until now. I’m not rich and famous. I don’t have a lot of resources at my disposal, but I do have my words.  I don’t want to remain passive, but I cannot constantly fight for a cause I very much believe in, if I keep getting told I am wrong by the very people I am trying to fight for. Help me learn, do better, and above all, be the ally you need. 

If you have a resource or book that you think would help me, and others, please link it in the comments or on social media.

That Tingly Feeling When the Numbness Leaves

    K Ghislaine

A Little Update…

That tingly feeling

I cannot believe that it has been a year since I wrote my piece on Breaking Free From Gaslighting.  When I wrote it last June, I thought that I was in a situation where life was completely hopeless and perhaps writing about the past situation would grant me a little mental relief.  I was in a hopeless teeter-totter of emotions where the only thing I could do was control my own reactions, because there was nothing I could do solve the inherent problem.  It was actually a pretty interesting game of mental gymnastics on my part. 

First, I would cry, get angry, basically go through all the stages of grief. Then I would have this wave of motivation and just start creating new things like a person possessed.  Fueling my creativity with all the negative thoughts that were just there. I was locked in this back and forth, until suddenly, something completely outside of my control happened, depression.  My house became plagued with this treacherous beast and we were powerless to stop it. I will save the details for another time, but I will say time lost all meaning. I was no longer coping, I was in full survival mode, and not just for me, but my household too. And that was the moment I did the only I knew how to do, go numb.

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When I was a small child, I learn how to go numb as a defence mechanism when a bunch of horrible crap was occurring around me and I had no tools to deal with it. And well, that whole ice queen persona stuck with me well into my 20’s.  When I finally learned how to laugh, and be a sex positive person, I figured I would never fall back into that numb place, but last summer, I did.  What’s more, I have had to stay in a state of numbness up until this week.  Why? Because as the gaslighter continued to exert his control over me, I was powerless.  The only solution was out of my control, and all I could do was guide the process or stand idly by as best I could (which I am not good at!). 

Maybe you have felt this? Perhaps I am describing a situation that feels so foreign to you, you want to reach out and hug me, or worse, pity me.  Wherever you fall reading that purposefully vague statement (privacy is paramount here, as I don’t want to go from one legal battle directly into another one), I hope you understand one thing, I survived.  And now, I have that tingly feeling all over my body from where that numbness was.  It feels euphoric, brings me to tears with that release, and then just has me grinning.  I feel like I am waking up. 

Thank you all for participating and supporting the first week of the sex positive 30 day challenge because honestly, this gave me a purpose.  I chose a project that required skills far beyond my comfort zone (graphic design) and forced me to put myself out there, just as much as I was asking all of you to be.  And it has grounded me for an hour or so, every day, while I try and rectify my new reality and emotions.  Having the constant burden of fear no longer blocking my path to happiness is a pretty intense feeling. I thank you all for reading up to this point!  Your support has been pretty damn integral to focusing my tingly feeling on something tangible rather than just melting into a puddle of giggly goo.

So, that is the brief update on where this sex positive blogger is at with her life… the tingly road to freedom!  And now, back to the #sexpositive30days challenge!

For all the behind the scenes content, and to show a little extra support for this blog, please check out my Patreon!

My Life May Never Be Perfect: Encore

    K Ghislaine
Raw and Intense

The last post I wrote was raw and intense.  And the reason for writing and sharing it, was completely selfish.  I felt so much better with the cry during the typing and then that sweet release I felt when I published it.  It was a post for me.  A way of sorting my thoughts out, just like I did when I first started blogging. My blog is all about problem solving for me.  And after I wrote it, I was able to have a much clearer conversation with my partner about just how important it is for me to accept what I have, not to bite off too much, and to take joy in the here and now.  Again, my life is not perfect, but what is the point of just hoping and waiting for the future to bring me the riches (not monetary, just in general) that I fantasize about.  Why do I so often feel that I do not deserve to be happy right now?

That is the crux isn’t it?  I know dating women right now would be a disaster, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the fantasy of it.  In fact, I have been refraining from writing any erotica as of late, in fear of getting too swept up in something I may not ever achieve.  I have long suffered from an affliction of not daring to get my hopes up, because I always feel let down.  And that down I feel, is just too much for my little self to handle.  So, I try and moderate my emotions.  I try to… force a balance? I’m not sure if that makes sense to the majority of people.  But, as best I can describe it is, I can get intensely excited about things, but due to being let down so many times, I try and moderate how excited I let myself get.  In order to regulate the possible downward spiral, I actually prevent my brain from over indulging my expectations.

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If any of you out there do that, now would be an amazing time to reach out and tell me I am not alone in this… le sigh.

But back to the post at hand.  Since writing that last post, I have taken positive action in my life.  I have enjoyed taking breaks during the day.  Reveled in getting out of the house, and even started to chat with a few dear friends that I have not reached out to in a long time.  For you see, I had let myself believe that I would be a burden to them during the bulk of my last years depression and mental struggles.  And, as much as they tell me I wouldn’t have been, everyone has their own shit to deal with, and I just would have felt guilty adding to that, with my hopeless situation.  But here I sit, typing, with a few coffees on the books, and some one on one time with dear people in my future.  This is a major positive shift in my mental state. 

And that really is why I am writing this post.  I am not out of the woods, and I may never be.  But here I sit, taking a bit of pride in what I have achieved.  Instead of writing a daily task list that I feel guilty about not being able to achieve, I am writing a weekly one.  I am taking breaks to play a little VR.  And I am taking a French course.  Personal betterment is one of my biggest goals, and being able to share what I have learned is… well… it leaves me a little speechless and tongue tied (ironically). Breaking the cycle of not believing you deserve to be happy until you achieve a lifelong goal is tough.  I am not excelling at this, by any stretch of the imagination.  With that being said though, I am finally celebrating small victories, and I’m hoping that shift in thinking will break through the wall of not being good enough bit by bit. 

Thank you all for the love and support, and I hope at least a few of you appreciate the raw and real, versus the whole non-monogamy and relationships are always peachy all the time sort of blogs.  Being in a good state of mind is key, and that is relationship priority number one.  After that, well, the possibilities are endless!

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