The Swing Club High

Saturday night my partner and I decided that we needed a night out, swing club style.  And yes, it has been a while since we’ve attended a club. So, in direct contrast to this time last year when we were attending once a month, this actually felt like more of a treat or a special event if you will.  One of the things that we are both very good at doing is going in with low expectations (which I do not mean negatively).  And by that I mean, if we attend and get to talk to a few couples throughout the evening and finish the night with just the two of us having sex surrounded by people we call that a great night.  And I know, for anyone who has never attended one that may come as a shock.  So, I will re-iterate for clarity.  If we are able to socialize and then just have sex the two of us, we go home meeting our expectations.

Now with that in mind, this last weekend, was a rush!  And why?  Because we not only chatted with one new couple, but we actually connected with a bunch of really rad people.  There was laughter, mingling and just a general excitement that felt electric.  I mean, we actually met a few couples that we want to see outside of the club.  And that, is truly amazing for us.  Imagine how hard it was for you to find someone when you were single.  Now imagine that the dating pool is only 1% of that, being non-monogamous specifically.  And now we are looking for not one, but two people we get along with!  It’s a teeny tiny mathematical number that if we looked at the odds with a critical mindset, it would probably be better to just not even try.

Thankfully though, I am a near annoying optimist with an unwavering perseverance to keep trying.  And for my partner, well, the rewards far outweigh any risk, by pretty much the positive power of whatever negative we are sitting in right now.  And that is why I am jubilant right now, in knowing that we interacted with a few couples!  I mean, it’s a damn near impossibility and yet, here I sit, trying to calm my mind from racing too far ahead with the fantasy of dating multiple couples at the same time.  So, I am trying to snap myself into a logical, reality based frame.  But, I cannot quite shake this smile.  And to hear my partner daily say how much fun Saturday was, just brings a smile to my face.  It was fun, and we have real opportunity in the future to continue the fun.  And, well, I am just on a little bit of a swing club high right now.

The actual events of Saturday were fabulous, with playtime and touching of new people and the amazing visual stimulus that we keep coming back for.  But, the reality is, I am far more excited for the future us, rather than where the two of us were in that moment just shortly around 1 AM.  It’s easy to get laid in a swing club, especially when you bring your own partner.  What’s tricky, is finding something fun outside of it.  A couple with whom, you are trying to set up a date in the real world.  And if everything lines up the way I am so hopeful for, maybe a few of them?

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Breaking Away From Monogamy!

Welcome to my brand new blog, BreakingAwayFromMonogamy.com!  This change has been long overdue and I am so excited to share it with you!  Why the change you might ask?  Quite frankly, I was tired of struggling to make blogspot look modern and fresh with all the formatting limitations.  And honestly, the final straw was in receiving a violation e-mail for using the word porn in one of my recent posts.  I believe in free speech, and receiving a notification for simply using a word spurred me into action.  While my work has never been XXX rated, I would like the freedom to discuss anything withing the spectrum of non-monogamy and sex without fearing violation or even having my blog shutdown altogether.

And with a new site, came the opportunity to re-brand myself a little more appropriate to where my blog has taken me.  I changed the hard to spell web address into something easier and in my opinion a little catchier.  I shed the pseudonym of K-ghislaine and took ownership of my name, Krys!  So welcome, and please, if you could update this new site into your favorites and delete the old blogspot.ca that would be amazing!

***Please note, that while all the original content, links and pictures transferred over here, it is going to take me a while to go through and reformat each post.  So please, just bear with me as I go through each post and get this site up to the formatting specs I want.

Thank you again for being a part of my amazing adventure!

Krys

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It’s Spring! And Here Are a Few of My Favorite Things…

 This is my first ever favorite things blog!  I always read about mainstream bloggers who write something like this, some who promote products even write one every month!  So I figured after blogging for over 6 years I am long over due!  So join me in my celebration of some of my favorites!

I love sex, my partner and orgasms.  Phew, OK, glad we got that out of the way first!  Oh, and I love dick, with consent of course! And boobs are pretty OK too!

I adore the freedom of being able to blog and express myself in a sex positive and body positive way.  While my writing is not always perfect, many readers see my passion, and will overlook a grammatical issue or two, and that leads to my next favorite thing!

My readers! You, guys, who read, ask questions, comment, and even the ones who poke fun of me are all fantastic!  I love the engagement I receive from you.  In my first few years of blogging I felt like I was a writing for an audience of just me.  While beneficial for sorting out the first few years of openness, I have thoroughly enjoyed the last few years of blogging a whole lot more!  My relationship with my blog has gone from one -sided work work work, to a fun mutual engagement.  And we can learn from each other! So thank you!

Next on the list, is beer, patios and sunshine!  I don’t think any explanation is required here as all three are supremely awesome.

Moving on, I would like to say a very special shout-out to all the men, and women, but mostly men who appreciate the sexual being I am without crossing the lines.  I know, sometimes you make mistakes and react with your small head instead of your big one, but this is what makes you my favorites.  Owning up to the mistake, and by making modifications to not do it in the future.  This whole blog of mine arose out of the mistakes I have made in non-monogamy.  I am pro at them, but I also am sincere in my desire to learn, grow and choose better reactions in the future.  And that trait is what I love about you guys!  You probably started following for the pictures, but occasionally you bring a smile to my face by reading an article or two and commenting afterwards in a completely open minded and awesome way.

And finally, I want to give a bit shout out to my library and all the books in my past, present and future.  Reading fires my soul, and being able to share my love of books with you guys and my clients is pretty amazing.  It has been an amazing challenge to write my first book (a memoir of sorts), and although I am only a 3rd of the way to my ultimate goal, it is a labour of love.  And I know there will be large sappy tears shed when I hold my first published book in my hands, which I hope won’t be too many years away!  Haha.

After jotting the list of my favorites down, I can see why other bloggers write these so often!  I feel rejuvenated and ready to tackle the spring and all the challenges that this next year is going to bring.  And now I ask you have you written your spring favorites?  I would love to hear them and keep this cycle of incredible positivity after a long winter going.  So please comment, tweet or just write a few things down just for yourself that celebrate your own favorites!

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Embracing My Sex Appeal

I have a certain look, a dancers walk, a sex appeal, and a quiet confidence.  These are things I fought for a long time to accept as a part of me and in fact spent a great deal of time fighting.  In my youth, I yearned for people to respect me because of my intelligence, my wit, and what I rationalized as real substance versus the superficial that I couldn’t control.  I never wore make up, only dressed up for special occasions and aside from having a stellar shoe collection, I’m still just a jeans, flip flop and hoodie type of gal.  I like being comfortable, understated and I could go on and on about just how much thought went into ensuring I consistently look and feel low maintenance.

Not using my looks or demeanor was always re-enforced with my friendships with both men and women.  I really wanted to downplay being seen as a threat to keep the girlfriends from taking my male friends away.  Or getting jealous that I was included in guys nights.  If you’re a regular reader, you will know this is an ancient problem as I am no longer one of the guys.  And with the women, I didn’t want to constantly talk about how cute I looked or how well I wore such and such an outfit.  It made me feel like they were constantly comparing themselves to me, and I never wanted anyone to feel bad around me.

I fought my sex appeal for well over a decade.  I buried my femininity as best I could.  Being just “one of the guys”, or assuming I was on equal footing with my peers, these were all aspects I embraced about myself.  I downplayed the visual cues I have little control over to be taken seriously.  I’m sure a large part stemmed from hearing time and time again that the men in my family really wanted me to be a boy.  As the first grandchild, I was born to be a leader, to go off the beaten path and create a new life, and new identity.  This was drilled into me, and celebrated whenever I showed positive direction away from the norm.  I got people thinking, to see new perspective.  But I did it without the aid of my face, boobs, or thin figure.  In essence, what I did was make things harder for myself, a lesson I have recently discovered.

Now I find myself coming to terms with the fact that using my looks to get my foot in the door, to open someone up to conversation or simply to give a warm smile that makes someone else feel good is more of the person that I want to be.  I am starting to embrace a new norm, a new, and much more whole identity.  And that is not without its own set of bumps.  Why?  Because I have now had to work on learning the balance game between flirting to get something and going too far with sex appeal without the comfort blanket of being young and dumb (so to speak).  And it’s a game that has been difficult to teach myself and know where I actually want to take it.  To embrace a whole identity that includes my outsides, in a meaningful, and ethical way.

So here I sit, finding balance between sex appeal, and an articulate, whole woman with a mission to educate and teach others.  Understanding that sexy can exist without dismissing intelligence outright. It’s no longer my burden to worry about how other people perceive me.  Instead it’s my prerogative to be complete, whole, and amazing both inside and out.

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Monogamy to Ethical Non-Monogamy: A Reflection 16 Years in the Making

Do you remember your first genuine relationship?  Of course you do, that first love stays with you, long after you’ve grown apart or in some rare cases grown together.  Today I was shocked to realize that it would have been 16 years had I stayed in my monogamous relationship/marriage.  I’ve mentioned a few times throughout my blog, that I do believe I would have fallen into non-monogamy eventually.  The fantasies were beginning, and there were sex acts that I just didn’t want to take part in, so I figured a unicorn would be perfect.  And as I have admitted, I was coming closer and closer to cheating all the time.  My then boyfriend and I would have taken the non-monogamous route to keep us together for the sake of the un-realized children.  It’s painful to accept, yet, I realize the truth in those words, having gained such a deep knowledge of myself and my needs.  And I absolutely know that I am not alone in this thinking.  So many have turned to an open relationships to save themselves and their partners.  Or to level the playing field after an indiscretion.  All judgement aside, this is the simple truth to why many have found themselves in the non-monogamous uncertain waters.

In my case, I consider myself lucky in that I ended things when I did.  When I walked away from monogamy and started serial dating I had yet to have heard the term non-monogamy.  So as I have mentioned when I did meet my current partner I had my eyes opened.  I can now say how fortunate I am to have found him and to have ended up where we are.  But as with any relationship we did not start out well.  I think our relationship can be broken down into two distinct parts.  The first, where I was so overwhelmed with being in an open relationship that we were living in an extremely unethical fashion.  Dates were hidden, and extra curricular activities were discovered, rather than discussed.  We began open, but did so, with a rocky and unstable foundation.

So we broke up.  I kept writing and he kept living the exact way he wanted to.  And then, a really surprising thing happened, we started building a new foundation, free of all pressure, just two singles coming together every now and again.  We weren’t intending to get back together, instead we used each others strengths, weaknesses and experiences to start forging ahead with a relationship style that would meaningful for each of us.  By the time we knew what was happening we were living together, and running on parallel paths.  There was a strange symmetry to our work and home lives and the word boyfriend and girlfriend was replaced by that of the title, partner.

Our love story was truly beginning.  And this is when we started looking together for our first couple.  We had been to a swing club, and had mixed feelings about it.  But the take away was the same, our foundation was ready to start building upon.  To start creating experiences together.  It was around this time that I started using the word ethical non-monogamy in my blogging.  I finally understood what it meant, and more than that, was living it.

I look back on these two distinct failed relationships, knowing that I am a direct result of them.  They were both interlaced with non-monogamy, but it wasn’t until I brought the word ethical in that my shift from an uncertain bystander turned to owning my relationship norm.  I cannot help but wonder if there is a parallel universe out there, where I sit here typing in secret about cheating and the mistakes I had made in monogamy.  That perhaps, I would still be a voice, but for those of the pained, rather than those of my current community.  It’s a strange feeling, looking across time like this.  But I feel a calmness in doing so.  It’s a peaceful realization that I am right where I need to be, and perhaps I need to watch a little less sci -fi (Ok, that would and could never happen!).  The path to non-monogamy was never straight and narrow, but I hope, in some small way, my reflection can offer some comfort to someone currently struggling.  After all, the journey is where the real memories are made.

 

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