Tag: dating fears

Boy Free Zone… ?!?

    K Ghislaine
Boy Free Zone

It’s been 2 months of living solo, and whether by design, necessity, or circumstance, my new place has turned into a boy free zone. And I am not quite sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, having a place where not one man has my address is completely freeing. And thus, it has become my sanctuary.  On the other hand, it’s tough to know for sure if this is due to me just not feeling anyone is worthy of coming over, or if I’ve just been holding out for that one special person. If you had asked me 5 years ago if I even thought there was just one special person, I would have said hell no!  We can have multiple, and thus, by extension, I should by now, have given my address to multiple men, living wildly in my free and single youth-ish? Yet, here I sit, in my boy free zone.

I’ve written a few times in my Medium articles about this idea that any relationship is valid, so long as you and your partner choose it.  And this, this is the relationship I want.  One that works for my partner and I.  One that we come up with together, suits our lifestyles, and brings both of us the highest possible level of joy. First though, I have to find that partner.  Wait… am I even doing this right?  Is this even a thing?  Am I once again, out on an ideological limb, forging a path in the most dense forest I can possibly find?

Now though, I am just not sure what I want in a long term relationship.  I know, for my regular readers you’ve seen my back and forth over the past few years, with my uncertainty becoming more and more prominent. And of course I know that that is not the way I am supposed to do things. As time goes on, I am supposed to gain clarity and a sense of what I want. But… and here is the big but… I am stuck with the idea that I must first discover who I want.  And that, will lead me to discover what type of relationship I will want to forge.

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Yeah, probably.  Because that seems to be what I do best.  Get an idea, then just run with it, headstrong and fancy free?!?  So, again that brings me to this whole “no boys allowed” thing. If I want a partner, and I want to forge my own path, why I am being so protective about my space?  Why am I not allowing boys to come on over?  Again, I find myself with more questions than answers, clinging to this hope that this will all work out for me.  It must, right?!?!

I have a year lease, so I hope that at some point over the next year, I get to write about actually having my first boy over!  Cause that would be pretty spectacular!  But, with my luck lately, I should probably not try and get too far ahead of myself.  Baby steps.  One little plan at a time.  For now, boy free is working, or I have just accepted that it is what it is. I do hope that special soul is out there, wanting to be the first one invited.  But my life continues to remain weird.

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Another New Year is Upon Us

    K Ghislaine
30 Day Yoga Challenge

I went into the New Year with a strange optimism that things simply had to be better than they were last year. My actual New Years Eve was incredible, and if I’m honest, came as a complete surprise (no pun intended). And thus, I felt a confidence that this, in fact would be my best year yet.  Sitting here, 2 weeks in, I am not quite sure how I am feeling about anything.

One of my friends aptly pointed out that there is still plenty of time for the year to be an incredible turning point for us, and perhaps there is “just a bit of rubble and debris to clear away first!”.  I’m not sure quite how I ended up with such wise and amazing friends, but here I sit, re-reading that text over and over. Clearing out the remnants of last year, is so visceral and quite frankly a perfect way of describing this weird place I find myself in.

My solo Christmas was my time to fall back in love with my book. And I am proud to say that I am on draft 3!  It’s an accomplishment that I am so incredibly proud of, and yet, it is still so challenging to read, edit, and feel all the things that experienced in my last relationship. It just hasn’t gotten easier.  And I find myself inexplicably raw, and caught up in … just the feelings of it all.  Enter in my New Years commitment to Yoga and stretching as a daily practice.

I am committed to doing the 30 day yoga challenge, with the ultimate goal of having yoga just be my daily norm. There would be weeks at a time last year, where I was just too drained, busy, or unmotivated to move my body.  2022 has really been my year to change that. While there was one day, I did not complete my practice due to a complete emotional breakdown, I still put in a solid effort to do most of it. I don’t think I even came close to having this great a track record at any point of physical activity in the past.  After about 5 days in a row, my motivation wanes, or I tell myself that I deserve to take that break. Which, often turns into a cycle, and rarely is just one day off. 

Shockingly, to me anyways, I have written almost every day since just before Christmas. While, my publications have been a little less active, there is so much in the works, behind the scenes that I was actually a little shocked to see the date of my last blog post.  A Canadian sorry to all of those who have been waiting for updates on my life! Haha.  This year will be a continuation of growth, learning, and ultimately, completing some incredibly intense projects that I have on the go. My hopes of course are that my love life will finally come into fruition, but… if I’ve learned anything from last year, forcing anything is just not my reality.  All I can do is try, be authentic, and allow my heart to do what it does best (any guesses what that is?).

So to all of you, I truly hope you ended 2021 in good health, spirits, and with a optimistic outlook for 2022.  If we all work together, we can learn from past mistakes, and work towards a brighter, more amazing future!  Sending warm thoughts, and well wishes to all!

Cheers,

Krys

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I Give: Dating is HARD!

    K Ghislaine

A Brief Vent

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There is something that I’ve been doing lately, it’s driving me nuts, and proving to be a much harder habit to break than I could have imagined. And that is uttering the words “I give” when it comes to the men coming in and out of my life. The frustration I feel with men, is growing into resentment, and actually creating an alter ego in me, far removed from my core value of never giving up on people. I am loyal, almost to the point of fault. That being said, the growing disappointment in men just not owning their shit, or being honest and telling me there is a problem, or just plain old breaking up with me is making me jaded. This year I was full on ghosted after a few months of dating, and then I had one of closest male friends just up and stop responding to my texts. And please don’t get me started on the 2 or 3 dates and done guys.

Look, I am a realist, and recognize that it’s going to take a while to find somebody I want to settle down with, but sheesh… can we not just have some fun first? And when the fun is not there, simply own your feelings and tell me! Crazy fun fact, did you know you can tell a person that you’re not sure what you’re feeling and if you see a future? Did you know that you can simply be honest that you don’t know where you’re at in life? Or more to the point, just tell me whatever you’re feeling or not feeling, and the allow me the courtesy of closure or at the very least not guessing? Wanna break the old adage of women having to be mind readers? Why not just be honest!?!

I know breakups suck. Being broken up with and then realizing that you will still be living with the person who broke your heart is a real thing I have experienced. Or that “fun” time, I broke up with a guy, and my then partner still wanted to date his wife.  Talk about awkward situation, but, we all talked it through and made the best decisions we could. Or how about the time I ended an engagement? Seriously, I understand the pain involved in the discussions that things aren’t working for whatever reason. But you know what’s actually worse? The not knowing. When someone just walks away and doesn’t even say goodbye. Or the person who just won’t admit to themselves or to others what they are really feeling. And let us not forget the person who was terrified of falling in love with me, so just up and left. Le sigh…

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So here I sit, trying to find some way of removing the “I give” from my vocabulary when men do, what men have been doing to me for far too long. It’s a struggle. And that hope that someday, I won’t feel this way is faltering more times than I want to admit. I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up, however, no one seems to want to step up and be worthy of my time and affection. With this revelation, I know why I’m struggling to replace I give… because there isn’t anything to replace it with. I am exhausted. And I am tired of feeling hopeful, and then being faced with the stark nothingness of it all, because I don’t even get goodbyes. So, I guess I have to stop fighting this, and just accept, that currently, I don’t have anything to give. End RANT!

Thank you to everyone who has supplied me with beer money during this difficult dating journey via my Patreon!

Being a Disappointment

    K Ghislaine
Serenity Now!

The last text I received from my ex step dad, was his proclamation of how disappointed was in me (And I’m guessing still is). The text came after I sent him my condolences for his mother passing away. I was gutted. Obviously there is a long backstory there, of which I wrote about on my gaslighting pieces, and suffice it to say, our relationship imploded. Enough time has passed, and active healing on my part, to allow me to type this paragraph without crying. And that is a huge deal for me. However, the soul crushing idea that I could disappoint someone I love or who loves me, is one of those things I’m not sure I can ever overcome completely.

So, here is my current struggle. I am immensely proud of this blog, and all the words I have put onto various pages over the years. But, there is a fear, that someone I start to care about, would be disappointed to learn about my past. Or, would be embarrassed to tell their family about the subject matters I have broached over the years. I wake up in the middle of the night more often than not gripping the sheets tightly, having just dreamt that I have been “found out”.

In the calm moments of the day, I can rationalize that I am the compassionate, and loving person that I am today because of all my experiences. And while I desperately want to believe the truth of someone loving me for all my scars and experiences, historically, that has not been the case. I have never been loved by a partner, for the good, bad, and ugly. So, it is hard to trust in the right person being out there, with whom this will happen.

The guy I recently started seeing is amazing. He is good, kind, and we fit together sexually in the most incredible way. But, I worry that I am not good enough for him. That some how I don’t deserve this level of happiness. That I am only worthy of the challenging men, the broken men, and the people who make we work to earn their love.  Ok, now I’m crying.

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To combat this feeling of insecurity and the belief that I am not good enough, I have positive affirmations written on my white board that say things like, “enjoy the happy ride”, “mutual love”, and the like. I am working diligently to break free of this idea that I am not worthy. But, it’s a challenge. I historically have over compensated in relationships to ensure that I am never a disappointment, however, I always am. I end up alone, forging ahead with determination, and a that intense survival mechanism that always allows me to rebuild and move on. And it is insanity to look back and see just how many times I have done that over my lifetime.

I don’t want it to seem like my life has been any more challenging than anyone else’s. Life is not easy, for anyone. And it is with that compassion that I openly accept all the faults of new prospects in my life. I just hope, someday, someone will do the same for me. That somewhere there is a person, who will do the same for me. And perhaps, maybe, I won’t be a disappointment.

Thank you to all who have liked, shared, and supported me over the years. And a special thank you to all who have fuelled my beer fund!

Dating Fears: Did I Work Hard Enough?

    K Ghislaine
Standing on the edge of my fears

These past few nights, I have been haunted in dreams by people from my past. Specifically from the parents who are no longer a part of my life. The reasons for us no longer being family is complicated, but there is an underlying commonality, neither should have ever been parents. That could just be my sleep deprived oversimplification talking, because yes these dreams are keeping me from sleeping through the night, and I think I have figured out why they keep happening. I am afraid of telling new people about my past.

While I can proudly champion the fact that I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am at. To say that I love myself, inside and out…finally. And that taking the summer to really be by myself has been worth it, I cannot escape the realities of the people who used to be in my life, and the hurdles they brought into my life. Sure, I overcame some true obstacles, but I don’t want to be seen as broken. I don’t want to portray this victim vibe, or be called a survivor. I want to be recognized for my own merit. I worked damn hard, and I am proud.

But there is a lingering fear of having to explain to a new person about why I closed the door on so many family members. I don’t want to be viewed as someone who won’t make a good parent due to my upbringing or current isolation. I don’t want the questions of someone with a loving close family to cast me out because I don’t have the same. I fear, that all my hard work, building myself up into the person that I am won’t be enough.

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I am not broken. I don’t feel broken, I hope I don’t act broken, and quite frankly, if I do from time to time I feel that’s just an expression of emotion and is valid. Yeah, that sentence confuses me at times too, but coming to terms with feeling vulnerable at times is part of my growth, and not my whole identity. And while I can write that… I don’t want to have to constantly explain myself and situation to others. I want to be loved for who I am now, and cherished for all my hard work, and dreams. I don’t want new people to judge me for a past that was out of my control. No one chooses their parents. I did the very best with what I was born into, and it helped shape me into the loving, compassionate, and at times even funny self.

My dreams though, are reminding me that there is a deep rooted fear that all my hard work is not enough, may never be enough, and I could be doomed to relationship failure. In the daylight, I don’t feel that way, it is only when everything is quiet, and my brain is left to sort its own version of events.

I am in no way looking for a cheering squad in writing this either. And for what it’s worth, I feel sick to my stomach typing this post. I don’t know what outcome I am expecting. I feel raw, vulnerable, and it is very off-putting to someone who likes the control of my emotions that I normally do have. What I recognize I have no control over is someone else, or their reactions to me, my story, and my past. And that evokes fear. Fear of dating, and putting myself out there. And that look in their eyes, that maybe all this hard work will never be enough for love and a family.

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