My last piece was a birthday blog, with my hopes and aspirations for what I hope to find, and embrace in my 38th year of life. If you have been reading my work for any length of time, you might have noticed that as I get older, my birthdays are becoming less gut wrenching. I think part of the reason for that is, I am finally living my best life that I possibly can. Sure things aren’t perfect, and my dreams remind me each night that all I really want is something to naked cuddle with at night, and wake up excited to learn more about in the mornings. Oh, and of course, someone who wants the exact same from me! But… there is an added element that try as I might, I just don’t know how to broach. Perhaps because men disappear before we even get that far? Ooph, OK, back on track here, bringing up being sex positive with a new person, and it is not going well, but… I keep trying!
Imagine for a moment that you are on a date with a person that you know almost nothing about. You sip your wine, laugh nervously, and talk about what you have in common. You are sharing experiences in those precious few moments that will shape the foundation of where this chance encounter might go. Statically speaking the likelihood of going past a few dates is incredibly low, but, you feel a spark and decide that you want to keep seeing this person. Cool, they want to see you back, all is great. Now, at this point you start talking about your passions and what really fuels you as a human. In my case, it is relationships, sex, and exploring everything intimate that connects our fellow human being. Oh, and by the way, I post sexy photos online, and oh yeah right, I’ve been writing about my non-monogamous experiences for over a decade. Oh… wait I forgot, I am actually working on my second draft of my first memoir of said relationship.
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Yeah… so… that’s not going well for me. Writing about sex is still taboo. Men, don’t want to bring me home to meet their families. I am not motherhood material. And yeah, they figure I am a goddess in the bedroom so they can put in zero effort where that is concerned, and then just never call again. Or, they want me to analyze their sexual past over a beer, in public, for free.
I’m not saying I would change a moment of who I am, or what I am passionate about. And yes, someday the right man will come along who understands, accepts, and is not threatened by my past or present. But hot damn I am tired. So, so tired. And I shouldn’t have to change or hide my past in order to have a future with someone, should I? I overcome hurdles every single day. I challenge myself, and others to think, be more compassionate and embrace a sex positive world. And at the end of it all, I just want someone warm to snuggle with, who loves me, understands me, and allows me to be me. I am a unique flamingo, looking for love, while embracing a sex positive future. Deep breaths, just keep going.
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Activating an online dating account is treacherous at the best of times, but add into it a pandemic, being non-monogamous, and for added fun open to dating different genders. In the old days, this would have been a magical event, filled with hilarious stories, intrigue, and of course at least a few sexy tales. After a few months of putting myself out there, I can confirm that we are NOT in the before times, and magic is the opposite of what I would call this period in my life. Never have I come so close to lying or not being authentic on my profile, simply so I can have the smallest of chances. In no particular order, here are a few of the almost dating stories for your reading pleasure.
Exhibit A – Young, and Educated
I was so excited when this newly located young and articulate man arrived in my hometown, and started chatting with me. We hit it off right away and exchanged numbers. He was respectful, intelligent, and very hansom. As we moved towards grabbing a drink our conversations started heating up. We exchanged sexy photos, and I had, what I will admit was the hottest sext afternoon of my life. What thrilled me was his complete sentences, well thought out messages, and the addition of perfectly timed rugged photos that piqued my imagination. In short, I was smitten so, I asked him to pencil me in for an in person beer on Saturday night. He seemed equally excited and told me all the things he wanted to do with me, and even went so far as saying that if we hit if off I could spend the night. But alas, when I texted to confirm, he seemed puzzled by my confirmation. Turns out, he was away for the weekend with the boys and either forgot about our plans or just didn’t care. Either way, our messages came to a weird end. Basically, he just stopped texting, and I will only ask a guy out twice before I take the hint. Chasing each other is hot, but when it’s just one of us, it comes off as desperate.
Exhibit B – The Musician
I started chatting with a very tall, dark, and ruggedly good looking musician a while back. We shared some moments of laughter, quick witted banter, and random schedules. Everything was lining up perfectly for a first date when all of a sudden he showed his true colours, a self defeatist. Now, normally this wouldn’t be a game over for me, but being covid times, the extra struggles of isolation set in. The conversation quickly went from excitement to poor me, I’m the worst with keeping plans, etc (on his end). Now, if it had been any other time, I probably would have tried harder to just get him out for a beer, but things are too risky right now to waste even a moment on someone who potentially will add bad juju to my life. While this one isn’t necessarily dead in the water, I also won’t be pushing for in person until all of this craziness is over.
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Exhibit C – Unicorn Hunter
Opening myself up to possibilities, I changed my looking for to include everyone. Enter the pixie haircut, fit, married woman. She was open about having a husband, said she was looking for a connection, and we started rapid fire chatting one evening. I was starting to get really comfortable talking to her when things took an unexpected turn. While talking about what we were both looking for she casually mentioned that she showed my photos to her partner and he would like to meet me too. I replied kindly, that I wasn’t interested in being a unicorn, and was not looking to date couples, especially not solo. She told me it was nothing like that and we chatted a bit further, but then, she went right back into the whole both her and her partner would like to take me on separate dates to ensure that we all get along. I asked why that would matter because I didn’t want to date them both. She assured me it was fine, and I said his photo isn’t even on her profile so I felt like that was a misrepresentation if that’s what the deal was. In a last ditch effort to hook me, her next message was a selfie of the two of them in bed. When I replied that he wasn’t my type because I was only looking for a female, I got blocked. Fun times. Fun times. Note to all out there, if you are looking for a woman to join your couple, just be honest, and have a photo of the both of you! Spurring it on someone feels predatory, and rejection is never a fun thing.
Exhibit D – The Stand Up…Guy
This will be final story in this collection and what a way to end it. So here I was, jiving hard with this guy. We switched over to exchanging numbers, agreed to grab a beer, and had some great flirty conversation. I should mention he was the first guy I’ve chatted with who seemed like a great fit for non-monogamy. His questions were insightful, he was kind, and not at all a horn dog just trying to get laid. He just seemed super genuine about wanting to get to know me further and excited to see how my relationships worked. Which was refreshing!
He was upfront the day we decided to meet may be a little up in the air, time wise, because his dad was going in for surgery. I had all weekend to meet him, so I was pretty flexible on the Saturday. When that fell through we agreed to a specific time and place on Sunday. The final message I received that night was “amazing”. Being me, I sent a quick message a few hours before I started to get ready Sunday, just to confirm that we were still on. Radio silence. Something felt weird, but I got dressed, and went out anyways. We were only days away from the second lockdown announcement so I figured getting out of the house would do me good no matter what. 10 minutes go by, then 15. I sent a message asking what his ETA was. No response. I order a beer, and let him know. Nothing. 45 minutes later, the realization struck hard and fast, I had been stood up.
Fast forward 4 days later to one single phrase “Fuck I’m so sorry”. No explanation, no further conversation, nothing. So, umm… that was fun right?
Final Thoughts
Dating is always tough. But what I am discovering is, I pretty much get to jump over every hurdle at once right now, and it is exhausting! I won’t give up, because… well… it’s me. That said, I hope summary posts like this are not the new norm. I just really want to start something amazing up! It’s been far too long since I’ve felt in person butterflies, and hot damn do I miss it.
Thank you to all who have bought me a virtual beer via my Patreon. This is the liquid fuel to keep my creative juices flowing, and I try to reward accordingly. Some of the perks include access to all my written work, early access to my podcast, and of course the higher your tier, the more NSFW I post.
AKA Trying to Date While Writing a Blog About Non-Monogamy
Serenity NOW!!!
The following is a real interaction I had with a guy who randomly messaged me on an online dating site, after reading my blog (I assume the title only). Did I push his buttons a little? Yup. Did I change anything in this conversation? Only the part where I called him out for a mutual hobby of ours (which I did to protect his identity). Why am I sharing a blog post like this? Because I am tired of people not believing me when I say online dating is horrific. And, men want my horror stories all the time, so this will also save me a little breath.
***
Random:
Breaking away from monogamy ? . . . . . Careful that you don’t catch a Sexually Transmitted Disease.
Me:
Cool story bro. Thanks!
Random:
To each his own. . . . I think sex is so much better, and so much more intimate, under a committed exclusive relationship. . . But, to each his own.
Me:
Wow…. again, thanks for the unsolicited opinion!
Random:
Good luck to you.
Me:
Ahhh,… you’re christian. That explains you thinking you are entitled to judge complete strangers who have done NOTHING to you.
Random:
You’re a hypocrite. . . . That is what you are doing. . . I simply stated facts. . . When you have multiple partners who themselves have multiple partners, you are highly likely to contract a Sexually Transmitted Disease . . . . This is a general FACT. . . . .NOT OPINION. . . . Also, sex is a very personal and intimate act. . . . If you are someone who commits that very personal and intimate act with multiple people, it shows that you do not regard sex as a very personal and intimate act, but instead are carelessly feeding your insatiable appetite for lust. . . . It also shows that you don’t know what Love is, and are very likely a cold hearted person who shares her body with anyone.
Me:
I feel so sorry for you and your archaic ideas.
Random:
And yes, I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. . . . Yes, I do believe that He shed His innocent blood for all of humanity, that we all may be saved from our sins, (which include insatiable appetites for porn and sex), and have personal loving relationship with the Creator.
Random:
We’re all going to die sweetie. . . . You’re going to face your Creator one day. . . . I just hope that when that time comes, you’re a believer, that you will face Him as a believer, and not as a condemned sinner. Those men, they don’t love you. . . . They’re just using you.
Me:
Awe… Again, my sympathies. I really do feel sad for you.
Random:
I’ll pray for you. . . . . Be careful. . . . STDs are real.
Me:
Thanks, I can always use a little extra positive energy focused my way!
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Thank you all for reading my little tale, and for the record, I did block him. So, this will be the end of our interaction. Onwards and upwards to better people and more interesting stories, because my goodness that was a painful one! Now back to the Sex Positive for 31 Days challenge and posting fun content on my Patreon!!!
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