Tag: Fear

Dating Fears: Did I Work Hard Enough?

    K Ghislaine
Standing on the edge of my fears

These past few nights, I have been haunted in dreams by people from my past. Specifically from the parents who are no longer a part of my life. The reasons for us no longer being family is complicated, but there is an underlying commonality, neither should have ever been parents. That could just be my sleep deprived oversimplification talking, because yes these dreams are keeping me from sleeping through the night, and I think I have figured out why they keep happening. I am afraid of telling new people about my past.

While I can proudly champion the fact that I have worked incredibly hard to get where I am at. To say that I love myself, inside and out…finally. And that taking the summer to really be by myself has been worth it, I cannot escape the realities of the people who used to be in my life, and the hurdles they brought into my life. Sure, I overcame some true obstacles, but I don’t want to be seen as broken. I don’t want to portray this victim vibe, or be called a survivor. I want to be recognized for my own merit. I worked damn hard, and I am proud.

But there is a lingering fear of having to explain to a new person about why I closed the door on so many family members. I don’t want to be viewed as someone who won’t make a good parent due to my upbringing or current isolation. I don’t want the questions of someone with a loving close family to cast me out because I don’t have the same. I fear, that all my hard work, building myself up into the person that I am won’t be enough.

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I am not broken. I don’t feel broken, I hope I don’t act broken, and quite frankly, if I do from time to time I feel that’s just an expression of emotion and is valid. Yeah, that sentence confuses me at times too, but coming to terms with feeling vulnerable at times is part of my growth, and not my whole identity. And while I can write that… I don’t want to have to constantly explain myself and situation to others. I want to be loved for who I am now, and cherished for all my hard work, and dreams. I don’t want new people to judge me for a past that was out of my control. No one chooses their parents. I did the very best with what I was born into, and it helped shape me into the loving, compassionate, and at times even funny self.

My dreams though, are reminding me that there is a deep rooted fear that all my hard work is not enough, may never be enough, and I could be doomed to relationship failure. In the daylight, I don’t feel that way, it is only when everything is quiet, and my brain is left to sort its own version of events.

I am in no way looking for a cheering squad in writing this either. And for what it’s worth, I feel sick to my stomach typing this post. I don’t know what outcome I am expecting. I feel raw, vulnerable, and it is very off-putting to someone who likes the control of my emotions that I normally do have. What I recognize I have no control over is someone else, or their reactions to me, my story, and my past. And that evokes fear. Fear of dating, and putting myself out there. And that look in their eyes, that maybe all this hard work will never be enough for love and a family.

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The Pride Badge

    K Ghislaine
Have you checked me out on Instagram? #beerlover_boobowner

Yesterday, I was doing one of my favorite things, getting paid to talk about beer.  I was having a lovely day, out in the sunshine, chatting with really rad people.  And then suddenly, I was faced with a situation I was not prepared for, a seemingly nice man with whom I was chatting with showed a very ugly side of himself.  I was shocked, horrified, and in that moment, I felt all the importance of pride month and why there is still so much work to do.  While the following story may seem insignificant to many of you, I think dismissing these small offhanded comments shows apathy, and we as a society need to do better.  And for my part, writing a post that clearly defines my position on equality, in that I believe every adult, consenting, human should have the right to love whom they want without judgement, hatred, or bigotry. 

Pride Badge

So here is the story that sparked this little thread.  There is a beer app called Untappd, and this seemingly nice man in his 50s was showing me a few of his recent badges and favorite beers.  We had a few laughs, and the conversation was pleasant overall.  As he was working through my samples of beer, he picked his favorite and added it to his recommended beer list.  When he pressed that little button, a badge popped up, and that’s when I saw him for what he really was.  The badge was decorated in bright rainbow colours, with the word pride printed boldly in the middle.  He immediately exclaimed that he “was not fond of that one, wished he could delete it, but shhhhh don’t tell anyone because that could get him shot!”

I just stood there, shocked, and completely silent.  Did this man just admit to me that he was homophobic, didn’t support pride, and was actually worried that he would have violence inflicted on him for sharing this view?  What the hell?  Without any reaction from me, the guy thanked me for the beer and left.  It was over as fast as it began.  For him, it was a passing comment, that he inappropriately shared with a stranger.  But for me, it left me with a true uncertainty for those around me.  A day later, I still have this terrible feeling in my gut, that there was so much more to that sentiment.  And I am horrified to imagine that there are so many out there just like him.  Of course this troubles me.  How could a badge that means so much for so many, also illicit such hate and spite from another?  Why, are we so polarized on this issue as a society?  What can possibly be gained from hate?  Why is there still so much fear from a group of people that have actually done nothing that I am aware of, to deserve it?  Oh, that’s right, we as a society still fear sex.

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Pride Parades

When I have been a spectator at my local pride parade, it usually feels like an incredible celebration that I feel like to be a supporter of.  I feel so happy that people are coming together and proudly proclaiming that freedom and love go hand in hand, decorated in bright colours.  Even as a child I would get really overwhelmed at parades, and when I went to my last pride day, it was no different.  I had to choke back tears as I watched all these beautiful people, proudly marching down the street, in unity. 

I am sorry to say, I’m not sure I fully understood all the backhand, snide comments, that people who are openly LGBTQ+ have to face every single day.  For me, this was but a disgusting moment in my life.  And please do not misinterpret what I say next.  I chose to be offended by this man’s comment.  I could have just ignored it, dismissed it, and gone on with my life, choosing battles that directly affect me.  But the reality is, I don’t think being apathetic or just ignoring these comments is working.  I was silent in that moment, because I was shocked, and truly did not know what to say.  I didn’t have the words to educate, stand up for what I believe, or to give the guys head a vigorous shake.  I felt powerless.  I say I believe in equality for all humans, but here I am, admitting that in those precious moments that followed his outrageous behaviour, I just hoped he would vanish from my sight.

The Takeaway

What I do know, is I am thankful that this app has a badge that proudly supports pride.  And that it brought to light this man’s prejudices.  And I hope that the next person he shares this story with is better equipped to educate him.  To show him that equality and diversity actually make us a better society, and provide us with a richness far beyond what our comfortable, close minded beliefs default to, a fear of what we don’t understand.  And I hope that someday soon, we will not need pride month, because we will just all be equal human beings who celebrate our diversities on a daily basis with the mantra, you do you, and let me do me (or all of us in a big consent fueled group doing each other!). 

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