Tag: Gender Fluid

Struggling with Bi-Curious Curiosity

    K Ghislaine
Clarity from Yoga

I really want to start talking about being bi-curious and non-monogamous a bit more, but I am struggling to do so.  Why is that?  Two-fold.  I am not prepared for the creepy backlash, and I am terrified of kissing a girl and not liking it.  What if the fantasy doesn’t meet up to the expectation?  Then what?  Am I now one of those women who became a cock tease (or the equivalent non gender specific)?  And what if I do like it? Am I suddenly expected to hook every partner up with threesomes?  Is my intimacy now on public display?  It is overwhelming all the cons, and basically, it is because of how men have conditioned me.  And I take full responsibility for that, I am an adult after all.  But any sort of female exploration has always come with “can I watch?”  “Can you bring her home” “this can be our treat” or any other exploitative things I have heard over my many sexual years.  Why the fuck would my exploration have to include anyone else?  And further, why do men constantly ask the most invasive questions?  Do they not know how it makes us feel, how it makes me feel?  How it destroys us, little by little?

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No, they don’t.  Because we don’t tell them.  And if by the off chance we have had enough, and do, then we are bitches and worse.  Men and women struggle to communicate because men push too hard, and women fold too often.  But I digress, with all the cons, there is a real struggle, in that, I don’t know if I am ready to go on a date with a woman.  What can I offer her?  My confusion?  My trepidation?  My insecurities?  I know first hand that that is not attractive!  And it does not lend well to small talk, necessary to going out on that first date.  Women are bolder online than they are in person (huge generalization but based on personal experience).  A female will ask straight up, what are your intentions online.  And I balk at my answer, of, I don’t have a clue.  I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, but I also want to get out there and see.

Will writing this post get me out there?  I have no clue.  Has it helped me solidify what I want?  Not even close.  This was simply putting out into the universe that I am currently confused.  I am searching for something, but don’t quite know what that is.  I love the idea of dating couples with my partner, but the reality is that is lacking right now.  So, do I venture out there, alone?  I ponder this, as I slowly sip my beer and write more erotica than ever before…

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Exploring Fluidity Through Erotica Fantasy Writing

    K Ghislaine
Gender Fluid

When I made the decision to start focusing on writing as more than just a hobby, I quickly realized that I needed to have creative outlet which is where my Patreon tier Breaking Away After Dark was born.  Here I have been able to flex a few of my more erotic tales, and fully realize a fantasy or two.  Whenever I am feeling a bit of writers block coming on, or have the desire to take a little “me time” break, I pull up my in progress fantasy document and add a few brainstorms.  It has been a very fun ride, that, well, if you have read any of my tweets as I try and write down a new one, comes with numerous “breaks”!   When I go back to edit these brainstorming sessions for actually submitting to the public, I have noticed an interesting thing, the person I am writing about, is usually without a fixed gender or orientation.

As I explore my own fluidity in relationships, and break away with the norms of he said/she said, my subliminal mind is writing in a fluid and undefined way.  When I go back and edit a piece, I will add in a gender and descriptors for clarity. Or as in my last piece, I was all over the place with who this fantasy person was that I was describing, I was actually able to pull out two very distinct sexual fantasies, one was FF and the other was FM.  I would write things like a silhouette of your curvaceous body, and then in the next paragraph describe the full formed shoulders and biceps.  It’s as if my brain flips who is giving me pleasure based on the sexual act or touch I am describing.

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I mean, obviously I need more threesomes or foursomes in my life, that much is clear.  But what is a little deeper under the surface, is how the definition of my “straightness” identity is clearly in flux.  While I recognize that I am becoming for fluid in life, less regimented in my thinking, and growing more open-minded in my day to day life, I was not expecting the same to be true of my creative writing and brainstorming.  I thought that my subconscious mind would instead revert back to the structured definitions I was raised with.  I truly thought that when brainstorming my mind would default to the MF dynamics that it has been defined by for 35 years.  When you shut your brain off and going into brainstorming mode, aren’t you supposed to go into autopilot?

Which of course leads me to question if my straight orientation was the façade this whole time.  Perhaps I established myself as this strictly straight being for some unbeknownst reason.  Perhaps this fantasy writing is allowing me to share my true default of “it just doesn’t matter”.  Or more to the core, that I am attracted to individuals and not genders.  Just as I am looking for fluidity in my relationships, I am pretty sure that is extending to a more fluid perception of who is on the other end of that intimacy. 

Obviously, I am a work in progress, questioning every step of the way.  And who knows where my next erotic piece will take me, or even where my next sexual adventure will.  In the meantime, I am trying to keep myself open minded, and happy with just knowing that at this point, anything is possible, and that optimism keeps me going day in, and day out. 

Thank you to everyone who bought me a beer/coffee in October via my Patreon!  Your support helped fund the creative and sex positive writing that I love doing! Many huge thanks to you all!