The last post I wrote was raw and intense. And the reason for writing and sharing it, was completely selfish. I felt so much better with the cry during the typing and then that sweet release I felt when I published it. It was a post for me. A way of sorting my thoughts out, just like I did when I first started blogging. My blog is all about problem solving for me. And after I wrote it, I was able to have a much clearer conversation with my partner about just how important it is for me to accept what I have, not to bite off too much, and to take joy in the here and now. Again, my life is not perfect, but what is the point of just hoping and waiting for the future to bring me the riches (not monetary, just in general) that I fantasize about. Why do I so often feel that I do not deserve to be happy right now?
That is the crux isn’t it? I know dating women right now would be a disaster, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the fantasy of it. In fact, I have been refraining from writing any erotica as of late, in fear of getting too swept up in something I may not ever achieve. I have long suffered from an affliction of not daring to get my hopes up, because I always feel let down. And that down I feel, is just too much for my little self to handle. So, I try and moderate my emotions. I try to… force a balance? I’m not sure if that makes sense to the majority of people. But, as best I can describe it is, I can get intensely excited about things, but due to being let down so many times, I try and moderate how excited I let myself get. In order to regulate the possible downward spiral, I actually prevent my brain from over indulging my expectations.
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If any of you out there do that, now would be an amazing time to reach out and tell me I am not alone in this… le sigh.
But back to the post at hand. Since writing that last post, I have taken positive action in my life. I have enjoyed taking breaks during the day. Reveled in getting out of the house, and even started to chat with a few dear friends that I have not reached out to in a long time. For you see, I had let myself believe that I would be a burden to them during the bulk of my last years depression and mental struggles. And, as much as they tell me I wouldn’t have been, everyone has their own shit to deal with, and I just would have felt guilty adding to that, with my hopeless situation. But here I sit, typing, with a few coffees on the books, and some one on one time with dear people in my future. This is a major positive shift in my mental state.
And that really is why I am writing this post. I am not out of the woods, and I may never be. But here I sit, taking a bit of pride in what I have achieved. Instead of writing a daily task list that I feel guilty about not being able to achieve, I am writing a weekly one. I am taking breaks to play a little VR. And I am taking a French course. Personal betterment is one of my biggest goals, and being able to share what I have learned is… well… it leaves me a little speechless and tongue tied (ironically). Breaking the cycle of not believing you deserve to be happy until you achieve a lifelong goal is tough. I am not excelling at this, by any stretch of the imagination. With that being said though, I am finally celebrating small victories, and I’m hoping that shift in thinking will break through the wall of not being good enough bit by bit.
Thank you all for the love and support, and I hope at least a few of you appreciate the raw and real, versus the whole non-monogamy and relationships are always peachy all the time sort of blogs. Being in a good state of mind is key, and that is relationship priority number one. After that, well, the possibilities are endless!
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