A Few Stumbles Loving Myself

As I continue the uphill battle of falling back in love with myself, I have to keep reminding myself that the only certainty in life is that I will always be with me. Humans will come and go, but at the end of it all, I need to be someone that I can look back upon and just be proud. For decades, I only wanted to be the sunshine in my step dad’s eyes. My raison d’être was making him smile. And, if you have read any of my posts about the gaslighter who use to be in my life, well… that blew up royally in my face. I made that fatal mistake, of living for someone else. And as I mentioned in my last post, I did the same thing over the last year. My motivations were different, and of course, I would do it again in a heartbeat, but now it is time for me.

I have always had a creative mind, that ran parallel with this inane desire to do everything myself. I equated loving myself with being able to do everything on my own. Pride equals hard work, and this weird solo sense of worth. As a person who has only been single for about 6 months her entire adult life, that is a pretty strange thing to say. I have had incredible partners, and yet, I would never let them help me sort out my career, finances, or have any say in who I am as a person (good or bad). And as I sit here, writing alone in my house I have to admit, that this line of thinking is wrong.

I have not done myself a single favour by going alone. I love being an individual, but I cannot help wondering where I would be at if I just let someone in without kicking and screaming. Would that behaviour make me less lovable? Admitting vulnerability? I mean sure, if you follow my twitter, or have read a few of my more intimate posts you know I can open up. I absolutely have it in me. But… it is always on my terms. I deal with what I choose to, when I choose to, and can pretty much keep everything else in nice and neat boxes (the last year of my life not withstanding). However I am only open on my terms, and have never been that bubbly warm soul that everyone wants to be friends with.

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There are so many times that I have wished I could be that person who walks into a room, and just lights it up. My grandmother is genuinely loved by everyone who meets her. She is that rare soul that you just cannot help but adore. Generous, warm, hard working, always smiling, and an amazing cook/baker. The greatest testament to her amazing effect on people is that every breakup my mom went through, I would hear the outed party comment about how much they would miss my grandmother. And I have always admired this quality in her, while also knowing, I could never fill these shoes.

As I spend this summer coming to much more intimate terms with who I am, and what makes me amazing, it is difficult not to fall into an old trap, the desire of being that lady in red. That woman who makes heads turn when she walks into a room, and has an entourage of people laughing at her every word. I, so badly want to please people, while at the same time being true to my independent self.  It’s a balance game I should probably just give up on, because if I have learned anything, it is that I am not able to achieve it.

When I open my mouth, I quickly sense the person that I have offended, or rubbed the wrong way. Call it a gift! Of course I make it worse if I backtrack, or try and dig myself out of those holes. So, I try to say less, and listen more. Which if I am being honest is one of the things I truly love about myself. Being able to listen with compassion has opened up a whole world of new people and possibilities. And this is the foundation of me falling back in love with me. That and of course some amazing sex toys!

Deep down, I know I want people to fall in love with me, when I am in love with myself. I don’t desire anyone to pity me, or feel that they need to help me, solve my problems, or dig me out of endless hole. I have never desired that knight in shining armour to come and rescue me on his noble stead. I can only rescue myself. And that is what I am doing, one day at a time, so I can resume the most sex forward, and positive adventures of my life!

Love the yoga photo? There are some fun NSFW on my Patreon!

Falling Back in Love… With Myself

Falling in Love… with me!

As a non-monogamous person, I spend a lot of my time working on relationships. Between strengthening the one I have at home, and the constant quest for new and incredible people, I humbly submit that I should get an A for effort. People are my passion. Relationship building is my forte. But, I will admit, there is a problem with my foundation, with me. While I have overcome many things in the past few years (with this last one being a real rollercoaster), there is something I need to put more focus on, loving me again.

A few months ago, I created a sex positive 30 day challenge, which was probably harder for me, than anyone else who joined in. Having to tell myself “I love me”, in the mirror brought me to tears. I crumbled.  Not because I don’t love myself, but because I wasn’t in love with myself. I had not done anything of late to boost myself up.  I had no new crazy or adventurous stories to tell. I had no new projects that I can excitedly get feedback on or bounce ideas about. I had put my inner passion for my ideas and creativity on the back burner.

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And yes, I did this in on purpose. I finally took that long hard look at myself and realized that I needed to forgive myself for my past, heal up, and take a real break to recharge. Loving half a person is the most difficult journey I have ever endured. And I did it, for the last year (more to come on that in a future post). I would do it again in a heartbeat, but it changed me. As a creative and passionate individual with drive and dreams I would find myself snapping at life in general. Why do I have to do everything? Why can I not take a break, and have someone take care of me for a few moments? Why will these tears just not stop?

The answer? I put myself on hold for another human being. I was living at half my creative capacity, with the other half keeping my human… alive. (Watching a loved one battle depression is anguish.)

Reading that last thought, over and over again, I am not sure if using past or present tense is more accurate. That being said, I didn’t make excuses to type this morning. I simply poured my coffee, and started to type.  And that, is a huge step. I didn’t feel obligated, instead I felt calm enough to start sharing. And that means I am feeling the fruits of the recharge. The drive is coming back, and you better believe that passion is too. I am starting to fall back in love with myself, because let’s face it, a whole human being is far sexier than half a soul right?

I will be challenging myself to post more photos on my Patreon page this month in the spirit of accepting and loving my body for the here and now instead of lamenting that it is not what it was, and I am grateful for all the support in this endeavour.