There is an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation with a metamorph.  This beautiful woman is a rare anomaly that has the ability to perfectly match and imprint with her partner.  When that happens she becomes his perfect match, in every single way, basically living for him. I’ve been thinking a lot of that episode as I am going through this period of transition.  I was forced to find myself while still living with an ex.  Thanks a lot Covid, depression, illness, and of course financial woes. The last few years have been a lot, and while I tried earnestly to just make the situation work, the reality was, I just had nothing left to give.  And in that drained state of being this idea of a metamorph kept creeping in.  Who am I?  What do I love to do?  What are my sexual preferences? Oh, aftershocks, (which I will explain shortly)!

I have written a few articles about being gender and relationship fluid.  I love exploring that side of me, however, it has been a real challenge to accomplish without the full support of a partner.  It is difficult for me to just let go with strangers.  I need that safety. That intense, passionate person by my side who I can be myself with, and explore all the little dark sides of my personality with.  Picture “I want to be evil” as my soundtrack as I write this out.

It seems to me, that being friends with a potential lover, before jumping into the sack with them, and showing intimacy is the only way that I can ensure that I don’t fall into the metamorph trappings.  And I am terrified to admit, that I have actually been exploring that with a human being, and well, the feelings are more intense than I was expecting.  Not the whole falling in love thing (although I could see that happening).  It is more, the intense aftershocks I feel when we are apart. This is difficult to explain, but I am going to try simply because I want to open some dialogue, to see if others experience this, or know what this is.

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So, imagine you are intimate with someone.  You have an experience or a moment that is unique to the situation.  A touch, a phrase is said, a special embrace, or a new sexual experience.  In the moment everything is amazing, and hot as fuck. Sexual satisfaction all around.  OK.  Now here is the aftershock part as best I can describe.

At various moments over the next few days, my mind will wander, as it does, and I will remember the moment his hand touched my thigh for the first time.  What follows for me is a flushed face, a gasp of breath, and the actual feeling of electricity bolting throughout my body.  I will think about that whisper in my ear about him cumming, and boom, I am thrown back into this orgasmic lightning bolt of a moment again. And then I remember the feeling of just being held in his arms, and it’s the same. Words, sensations, visuals, they all can offer this aftershock. And the experience of memory isn’t something that my friends can relate to. Maybe it’s because I have troubles articulating it in words, because often when I try, I just blush and get tongue tied.  And if do dare to imagine, just typing this out, I am a complete puddle. It’s as if my memories control my orgasms for a brief but intense moment. Does that make any sense? Did I type that correctly? Please know, I am trying… for science!

Now here is the one thing I’ve noticed, I cannot relive the same memory with the same intensity.  It has to be new ones, and when I try to replay a memory that I know I got that after effect release from, the feelings it arouses are muted down, and often times, non existant. And I suspect, this is why I have always been so eager to explore new situations when it comes to sex.  That desire to have these aftershocks in my life forever would be my absolute bliss.  But… I have to be very careful that they are my experiences.  They have to be organic.  What I mean by that is, I am susceptible to being an enigma who just follows her partner around.  And I do find that hot as well, just with a different level of intensity. I love pleasing people, and I cannot shut that empathetic part of my being off. So, on the idea of falling into the metamorph role, I can do that, but I think I prefer aftershocks? Maybe? Oh that game of balance and life eh? Clearly I need to do a whole lot more exploration on the subject, right?

So, in closing, who else has experienced aftershocks?  Is this a thing? Do you have metamorph experience? Do you enjoy just being someone’s perfect lover? Let’s talk about it! I might do a little behind the scenes photo shoot for my Patreon subscribers if we get some good dialogue going… Maybe 😉