Tag: Non-Monogamy

Writing the Hard Stuff: Book Lament

    K Ghislaine
Stretch

One of the things I pride myself on is being able to write in an authentic way, be it good, bad, or just weird. The thing about this book writing part though, is it’s even tougher, and has brought me to tears more often than I ever thought possible. Yesterday, I actually wrote myself a little motivational cue card in hopes that reading it would help, with my book writing lamenting.

For those who don’t know, I am writing a memoir of sorts, of my experiences in non-monogamy. There are a lot of words written, and it is so close to being done, however, there this internal struggle with being real about how I experienced things outside of monogamy, and not wanting to be all doom and gloom. That decade was hard. It was filled with challenges, and there are days that I lament the fact that I felt so alone exploring it. There are so many wonderful people that I met, and such incredibly hot moments, but looking back, it took a lot out of me.

I was not experiencing things in the manor that made me feel safe, cherished, or even loved. And that is difficult for me to rectify. With that in mind, I don’t want my book to read like a horror story (OK that is being really dramatic and it’s not even close). Instead I want it to be an adventure story, that cherishes all the incredible things that happened, but, I just can’t tell that story, because it is not authentic.

To balance things out, I have started a few posts on Medium that aim to share what my takeaway is on the complexities of love and what each relationship norm or not norm can bring to the table, in Love Explored (Which you can purchase a membership via Medium directly, to explore so many amazing writers!). Writing this helps ground me, to be able to look towards the possibilities and the lessons I wish I got to experience first hand, far more often than I did. That decade of my life, forever changed me, and I’m so glad it made me a more loving and accepting person, rather than the biter and angry individual it very easily could have.

I’m trying to be brave, authentic, and articulate in how I remember my life. I hope that’s what my finished product shows. I really, earnestly do. But, I suppose that will be in the eyes of the reader to discover, when it is finally finished. It’s the big push to work through these hard emotions, and I thank each and everyone of you who have offered encouragement, listened to me babble things out, and who have joined me for drinks or bought me beer. Soon….

The Force Definitely Does Not Work on Relationships

    K Ghislaine

As I continue to research, and write about mismatched relationships over on Medium, a thought keeps sneaking in, wouldn’t life be easier if we could just use the force when it comes to relationships? I don’t mean use force, but, what if the energy I put into a person was guaranteed to come back to me in some form or another? What if I could actually control where my energy goes? Obviously, that is just wishful or as I like to say wistful thinking because the force definitely does not work on relationships!

For years I have noticed that I am the friend who is coming up with things to do, inviting people out, or texting people to see how they are. And with dating and relationships I am noticing the same pattern. If I am not the one inviting someone to meet up, grab beers, or just initiating the conversation… ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS! I’ve used the excuse for years that it’s because I am non-monogamous and people are either secretly uncomfortable with it, or just afraid of pissing me off and pushing boundaries. But honestly, what is truly wrong with reciprocating a text every so often.  Or just inviting me out for a walk with zero expectations? I am not that scary in person!!!

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Or perhaps I am. I honestly don’t even know anymore. A friend remarked that I should blame it on Covid, others say that the dating world has just changed in general thanks to easy access of people via Tinder/Hookup apps, and of course there is the whole non-monogamous elephant in the room. People don’t seem to believe that I am truthful when I say that I do not have a long list of beaus just waiting for my call. I don’t and if I did, I would be upfront and honest about it. Because yes, I am honest almost to a fault!

As a small child I remember being told that if people don’t like you for who you are, then they are not worth having as friends. And now, more than ever those words haunt me. Because in the adult world, things are not so black and white. Are people intimidated by me? Does that mean they don’t actually like me? And the real question, are people themselves really honest about who they like and who they don’t like? Or are we all just kind of placating the masses or the big group of people, fearful of hurting anyone’s feeling? If any of those questions actually get answered, the pool of which to connect with awesome people changes dramatically.

And we go back to my original thought, what would happen if the energy I put into a person and getting to know them was reciprocated? Or, is this life of non-monogamy filled with compromise, where you take what you can get due to time, family, emotional outputs, and just life in general? To find happiness and joy in the small moments, rather than a complete picture? But here we sit, waiting patiently for a vaccine, and unable to make even the simplest new connections. Well, back to the rabbit hole of researching mismatched relationships!

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Hope, Hugs, and Other Thoughts

    K Ghislaine
The Start of a Pineapple

I awoke this morning with the lingering and if I’m honest tingling sensation of an amazing and sexy dream. As I lay there, I tried to remember every single juicy detail of the dream that had me feeling so alive, and slowly the full picture appeared. Wait! That couldn’t be right. There must be more to what made me feel so alive, invigorated, and almost goddess like. And yet, the memory felt correct. I dreamed that a guy told me I made him feel better, hugged me, and asked me if I felt better. No we were not laying in bed, naked, in a tangled web of sheets. We were bundled up, after walking our respective dogs, and simply had a moment of truth.

For whatever reason, I had started crying and he showed me kindness by holding me. Even now, writing these words I am crying (holy frick you could play a drinking game based on how many times I have cried writing blog posts this past year!). The impact of another human being caring about me, holding me, and then opening up themselves is… missing. Deep down, that is the intimacy I crave right now. A real connection. That bond. Isolation does crazy things to a person. In fact, it is forcing me to do a hard reset and I have fought it every step of the way!

Four or five years ago, I was out there chasing butterflies and that first touch. Looking for new, exciting, and mere moments that I hoped would turn into a variety of sexy and incredible adventures that I could share with my partner. And now, as that dream reminded me, I just want a meaningful hug. One that opens two people up to each other. A hug that bears the raw souls of the individuals. I know a moment like this cannot be forced, rushed, or even searched for. It will happen organically when I least expect it. But hot damn… for a dream about a hug to do what it did to me. It really puts everything about the here and now into perspective.

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In the last 48 hours, hope has been stripped away from me. Not in some malicious or ill intended way, but more subtle. I have been trying to find joy in the small things like an innocent flirtation with people I see at work (not co-workers to be clear) and whoosh… Covid has again slammed that door. Next up was online dating but I find it completely barren of any human who will chat with me in one sitting. It seems that 4 – 5 days is the new norm for response time? So that fun little outlet has turned into something I dread. Getting my hopes dashed day after day when I match with someone only to have the conversation dwindle away into nothingness.

And finally, the last straw, I realized that my intense and passionate personality may be what has so many people from my past choosing friendship rather than intimacy with me. Foolishly I created hope, that I could get a few things going with people from my past and kindle some new possibilities. But, as it turns out it wasn’t just bad timing. It was in fact, that the interest just wasn’t/isn’t there. In the last decade, I have been able to pursue anything that I wanted. The fact that I held, and that they held off means something. And well, I just didn’t want to see all these things at the same time.

So, when I went to sleep last night, my brain did the one thing it could. It showed me the most basic form of human intimacy, and the reality of what I am missing. Hope. It put all the things that I couldn’t process together. A touch rarely leads to anything more than just a hug, but maybe just maybe one in the future will absolutely rock me, and spark that passion. For now, I just have to live each day for the moment it is, knowing that it will all start when we can touch again.

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Swingers: Please Stop Swinging

    K Ghislaine

Until you can again get consent from every person you interact with…

I try not to speak out against people in the swinging community, for one simple reason, I think it is more beneficial to show the good in the community. However, right now there are podcasters, even organizers, and club owners who are basically shining a horrific bright light on the community, and I all I can think is “you do it to yourself!”. It is heartbreaking, because I spend countless hours each week trying to dispel taboo’s, and talk about the great points of non-monogamy. Dispelling myths is absolutely my jam, and while I don’t have a huge reach, I feel that what I do is valuable. But here I am, watching people I follow like @CooperSBeckett and Steak&Tequila speaking up, and I feel compelled to join them, by saying Swingers, stop swinging.

I won’t mince words here with my point. There are swingers right now who are putting their sexual lusts ahead of the good of the community and that makes me sick to the stomach. I am not OK with hotel takeovers during this global pandemic. I am not OK with sex clubs being open, claiming that they are only open to consenting adults who know the risks, because there are just no get out of jail free cards here. I recognize that the club owners need to keep their livelihood, but the cost is just too great here. I have empathy for every small business owner out there, but you cannot put people in harms way for profit. You just can’t, it’s wrong.

I am going stir crazy at home. I hate not being able to go out and meet new people in person like I used to do. I miss dancing, flirting, having sex in front of a group of consenting adults. I hate the isolation, and yeah, my libido feels like a caged animal right now. I even broke my favourite vibrator due to over use. But, my love of my fellow man is more important. These are small sacrifices in the grand scheme of things. 

I’ve said it before, but when you go to a sex party during a pandemic, you are putting the cleaning staff, uber/cab drivers, liquor store clerks, grocery store clerks, and each and everyone of your family members at unnecessary risk. Why? Because you selfishly need to get laid! Often these innocent bystanders are lower income, and don’t have the choice to say no to work. But guess what? You, have the choice to put your sex drive on pause, for the good of others.

There has been such a push for consent, and if you’re a swinger I know you have heard the word. Well, consent isn’t just about sex. Consent is a norm that should be extended to all humans we interact with. And let’s face it, there is no way you are telling your elderly parents that you can’t see them for 14 days because you have to isolate after sex with strangers. There is no way, you are telling your babysitter that you are wearing a mask to drive them home, because you have just had your face in a stranger’s crotch. While swingers are more adept at hiding their lifestyle, if no one is supposed to be going out in groups, you stand out like a sore thumb! Just stop it!

I want to get back out there in 2021. But the more I see about people saying, bring your parties to Florida, we have no restrictions. Or emails saying, the hotel takeover was sold out in record time, and we are looking for a bigger venue. Or advertisements of podcasts driving across the country bringing the parties to you! I am just… tired. So tired. And sexually frustrated, and there is no end in sight.

If you are reading this, and feel it is a stretch and I am drawing ridiculous conclusions, I actually feel very sorry for you. In fact, I think I am under reacting, because the damage you are doing to the integrity of the non-monogamous community is heartbreaking. When this is over, we may have to go back underground, hide in shame, and stop using the word ethical. That crushes my soul. It’s a loss I am not prepared for. So please, cancel your events. Stop taking risks in the name of sex. And follow this simple rule, if you’re not willing to be open and honest in seeking consent when putting anyone into contact with you, you probably shouldn’t do it!

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Hookups, FWB, and Non-Monogamy

    K Ghislaine
Hookups, FWB, and Non-monogamy

I posted a rant a while back on the subject of Hookups, Couples, and Swinging, and honestly I thought I did a pretty great of expressing my dislike for the whole hookup culture. However, it turns out, I kinda jumped the gun thinking that I would only ever be dating as a couple…. Whoops! So now that I am putting my feet in the dating pool in a more solo driven capacity, and accepting solo men (Please be terrified for me, because I know I am) I’ve realized online dating and reading comprehension do not go hand in hand. In fact, more often than not the idea that I want a FWB or a hookup because I proudly state I am non-monogamous is a hurdle I keep having to jump. And well, they just don’t give me enough characters in a message to say what I really feel about this… Non-monogamy is not code for hookups or FWB.

Now, I know that the majority of my readers have already been exposed to the word non-monogamy, but if you haven’t, then I am about to blow your mind… the diversity within the word non-monogamous is vast. In fact, I have tried to write about the definitions outside of monogamy so many times, and always come up short. Many call it a spectrum and I urge you to go and look one up if you haven’t already. Suffice it to say, pretty much any relationship outside of monogamy is possible including: polyamory, swinging, triads, FWB, foursomes, don’t ask don’t tell, ethical non-monogamy, and when you factor in all the gender diversity too… well, it turns out that there is no solid assumption you can make when you read someone identifies as non-monogamous.

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And honestly, that is one of my favorite things about being non-monogamous, the freedom to choose. The freedom over my body, my relationships, and sex life is pretty damn empowering. That I can love someone with all my heart, and still be able to explore things I am interested in sexually and emotionally. Ok, I know you have all read my little anthem before. I love being non-monogamous. What I don’t love is being told that I am only looking for hookups. Or that I am only worthy of a FWB. Or that I am a slut or I am unable to settle down, by extension that something must be wrong with me. Or that I my sex life is unfulfilling. (Again, people I haven’t even met have dared to say each and everyone of these things to me on various online dating sites).

 My optimistic nature thought, and still tries to be hopeful in the idea that new people would get excited about my relationship fluidity. If someone is amazing, I will make an effort to fit them into my life. It could be a hook-up once a year, or something more ongoing. It could be a full-on relationship where we go out on dates, plan a future, and grow to love each other. It could be physical, emotional, flirty, honestly it depends on our chemistry and timing and all those wonderful factors that come into play. I am open to the possibilities and don’t want to pigeon hole myself into some ideal that won’t make sense long term.

Sex is important to me. And yes, I want to get laid as often as possible. But if all you are offering me is that? Well, I am going to hold out for someone who actually wants to get to know me, and not just my body, because right now… that is what I am looking for. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time: my body, my heart, my choice!

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