Tag: nonmonogamy

Taking a Hard Look at Myself…

    K Ghislaine

When I was writing my last medium article about Being the Other Partner , I wrote a paragraph on being the other woman myself. I thought I was being honest, but when I went back to edit the piece, I realized that I had in fact written something that was so harsh and critical that it skewed the whole thing. And I began to cry, realizing just how often I have been doing this. In an effort to be accountable and take a long hard look at myself, I have crossed the line of honesty, into a much darker place, whereby I feel like the villain. I did remove the paragraph after I pulled myself together, and what I created I am proud of, well, as proud as I ever let myself be of my writing. Sometimes I think it’s easier to celebrate that I did a thing, versus actually believing that my words have any impact or meaning. Frick, look, I’ve done it again.

For those wondering, well, I wrote that I had a huge relationship regret, that I should have known better, and been smarter and that I feel terrible that I was basically a mistress. I came down hard on myself for not just saying no, and well, the truth is, there is not a whole lot more to the story. Then I created this whole big thing in my head, that truthfully, just wasn’t that doom and gloom. I know the difference, and I have had true hardships and relationship disasters, but my brain, well, it just really wanted me to feel bad about something that I didn’t need to feel bad about. I had a FWB that was always filled with consent, on both sides, and there is no guilt. But, maybe I wanted to feel guilt? I honestly don’t know.

Why, am I my biggest critic these days? I mean, it’s not like I am lacking in the professional rejection department, with my fastest responses record yet for pitching my last book. All no’s so far, if anyone was getting hopeful. So rejection is there. And my body, well, you all know how well, or not well that whole department is going. If not, read pretty much anything from last year and you’ll be caught up. Maybe it’s because I have so much rejection surrounding me, that I’ve somehow become comfortable with it?

You know that person who is always negative, and that is their feedback loop? Negativity breeds more negativity and thus they pretty much create more of it? Living a turbulent and difficult life because that’s what they know and perhaps even feel that they deserve… but I know better. And in person, aside from being a little closer to tears from time to time, I really am happy. In fact, my life has never been better. And yet, what I write, is focused on the dark side.

More and more, I feel like I have to journal, let it out, before I can get down to work. Or do something fun like a sexy photo shoot for Patreon, or just be creative. For the first time in probably 15 years, I broke down sobbing, wishing I could get a hug from my mom. Our relationship is beyond complicated, and I don’t want to open up to her when I’m feeling this vulnerable, but the thought was there. Then I cried some more, took a hot bath, and then was able to get some work done on my next book. The hurdles to get there though, ooph that took a lot out of me.

Maybe it’s the time of year. Losing daylight, feeling the pressures of the impending holiday season, and of course an ever perilous family dynamic, with the loneliness of knowing it’s the first Christmas without my grandfather. These are all real, rational things to take up a little extra space in my brain. But I earnestly wish they would all just fuck off for a little bit, so I can just sit in my happy, and creative bubble. I want to be filled with joy, laughter, and all the amazing things that I know are around me. Life is pretty magical. Why then, do the written words betray me? Why are they tricking me into writing the doom and gloom prior to the happy, and love filled place I actually am in? I truly have so much gratitude for where I am at, now I just need to convince those typing fingers of mine to start relaying the same message!

Book Writing Accountability Post

    K Ghislaine
My little guy and I!

I made a conscious decision this year that because I couldn’t go to California for Christmas, I was going to take the two weeks off of work and dedicate it to my book writing. Well, today, I finally pressed print on 50 pages of it. It feels like a crazy milestone. And while I should be shouting from the rooftops that I have something tangible in my hands to start editing, and reworking into something I am proud of, I cannot help but be disappointed. And that person I am bummed at, is me. I know, one shouldn’t regret, or live in the past, but I am struggling to get to where I know I need to be hence this post about book writing accountability.

I absolutely have it in me to type for hours on end. And yet, my days are filled with distractions. From a sick dog, to “roommate” issues and obligations. I vocalized my intent before I went on vacation, and still… I feel pushed and pulled in all the wrong directions. I am sure every single writer out there with a family, other jobs, etc. fully understands what I am going through. I mean if writing was easy, everyone would do it right?

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Here is the thing though, fundamentally, at my core I am a giver. And, in order to complete this book, I need to be selfish. This is tearing me apart. I need to be selfish with my time, let the guilt go when I get pulled away, and be assertive in taking the space I need. Holy cripes is this ever not me! I want to please, help others, be amenable, and of course, if you’re reading this you can clearly see the obvious in that I need to help myself first.

For those who don’t know, I am writing my non-monogamous origins story. It has a title, a voice, all the framework, and basically the bulk of the writing is done. And after this little break to focus on it, I hope to employ an editor to get me to the next phase which is actually publishing. It’s funny how different this book looks now from when I started, which is a good thing. And I hope it ends up being a more compelling read, than the lighthearted “open relationships” are so great, rose coloured glassed perspective it could have turned into 3 years ago! Life is complex, relationships constantly evolve or end, and writing this book has made me a better person, and hopefully a much better partner for a future someone special.

Anyways, I write this post to keep me accountable, give you all a little update, and to vent the things holding me back from accomplishing the things I desire. If you want to be a part of it, and help fuel my progress, please check out my Patreon.

The Force Definitely Does Not Work on Relationships

    K Ghislaine

As I continue to research, and write about mismatched relationships over on Medium, a thought keeps sneaking in, wouldn’t life be easier if we could just use the force when it comes to relationships? I don’t mean use force, but, what if the energy I put into a person was guaranteed to come back to me in some form or another? What if I could actually control where my energy goes? Obviously, that is just wishful or as I like to say wistful thinking because the force definitely does not work on relationships!

For years I have noticed that I am the friend who is coming up with things to do, inviting people out, or texting people to see how they are. And with dating and relationships I am noticing the same pattern. If I am not the one inviting someone to meet up, grab beers, or just initiating the conversation… ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS! I’ve used the excuse for years that it’s because I am non-monogamous and people are either secretly uncomfortable with it, or just afraid of pissing me off and pushing boundaries. But honestly, what is truly wrong with reciprocating a text every so often.  Or just inviting me out for a walk with zero expectations? I am not that scary in person!!!

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Or perhaps I am. I honestly don’t even know anymore. A friend remarked that I should blame it on Covid, others say that the dating world has just changed in general thanks to easy access of people via Tinder/Hookup apps, and of course there is the whole non-monogamous elephant in the room. People don’t seem to believe that I am truthful when I say that I do not have a long list of beaus just waiting for my call. I don’t and if I did, I would be upfront and honest about it. Because yes, I am honest almost to a fault!

As a small child I remember being told that if people don’t like you for who you are, then they are not worth having as friends. And now, more than ever those words haunt me. Because in the adult world, things are not so black and white. Are people intimidated by me? Does that mean they don’t actually like me? And the real question, are people themselves really honest about who they like and who they don’t like? Or are we all just kind of placating the masses or the big group of people, fearful of hurting anyone’s feeling? If any of those questions actually get answered, the pool of which to connect with awesome people changes dramatically.

And we go back to my original thought, what would happen if the energy I put into a person and getting to know them was reciprocated? Or, is this life of non-monogamy filled with compromise, where you take what you can get due to time, family, emotional outputs, and just life in general? To find happiness and joy in the small moments, rather than a complete picture? But here we sit, waiting patiently for a vaccine, and unable to make even the simplest new connections. Well, back to the rabbit hole of researching mismatched relationships!

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Random Guy VS Me

    K Ghislaine

AKA Trying to Date While Writing a Blog About Non-Monogamy

Serenity NOW!!!

The following is a real interaction I had with a guy who randomly messaged me on an online dating site, after reading my blog (I assume the title only).  Did I push his buttons a little? Yup. Did I change anything in this conversation? Only the part where I called him out for a mutual hobby of ours (which I did to protect his identity). Why am I sharing a blog post like this? Because I am tired of people not believing me when I say online dating is horrific. And, men want my horror stories all the time, so this will also save me a little breath.

***

Random:

Breaking away from monogamy ? . . . . . Careful that you don’t catch a Sexually Transmitted Disease.

Me:

Cool story bro. Thanks!

Random:

To each his own. . . . I think sex is so much better, and so much more intimate, under a committed exclusive relationship. . . But, to each his own.

Me:

Wow…. again, thanks for the unsolicited opinion!

Random:

Good luck to you.

Me:

Ahhh,… you’re christian. That explains you thinking you are entitled to judge complete strangers who have done NOTHING to you.

Random:

You’re a hypocrite. . . . That is what you are doing. . . I simply stated facts. . . When you have multiple partners who themselves have multiple partners, you are highly likely to contract a Sexually Transmitted Disease . . . . This is a general FACT. . . . .NOT OPINION. . . . Also, sex is a very personal and intimate act. . . . If you are someone who commits that very personal and intimate act with multiple people, it shows that you do not regard sex as a very personal and intimate act, but instead are carelessly feeding your insatiable appetite for lust. . . . It also shows that you don’t know what Love is, and are very likely a cold hearted person who shares her body with anyone.

Me:

I feel so sorry for you and your archaic ideas.

Random:

And yes, I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. . . . Yes, I do believe that He shed His innocent blood for all of humanity, that we all may be saved from our sins, (which include insatiable appetites for porn and sex), and have personal loving relationship with the Creator.

Random:

We’re all going to die sweetie. . . . You’re going to face your Creator one day. . . . I just hope that when that time comes, you’re a believer, that you will face Him as a believer, and not as a condemned sinner. Those men, they don’t love you. . . . They’re just using you.

Me:

Awe… Again, my sympathies. I really do feel sad for you.

Random:

I’ll pray for you. . . . . Be careful. . . . STDs are real.

Me:

Thanks, I can always use a little extra positive energy focused my way!

****

Thank you all for reading my little tale, and for the record, I did block him. So, this will be the end of our interaction. Onwards and upwards to better people and more interesting stories, because my goodness that was a painful one! Now back to the Sex Positive for 31 Days challenge and posting fun content on my Patreon!!!

Hookups, FWB, and Non-Monogamy

    K Ghislaine
Hookups, FWB, and Non-monogamy

I posted a rant a while back on the subject of Hookups, Couples, and Swinging, and honestly I thought I did a pretty great of expressing my dislike for the whole hookup culture. However, it turns out, I kinda jumped the gun thinking that I would only ever be dating as a couple…. Whoops! So now that I am putting my feet in the dating pool in a more solo driven capacity, and accepting solo men (Please be terrified for me, because I know I am) I’ve realized online dating and reading comprehension do not go hand in hand. In fact, more often than not the idea that I want a FWB or a hookup because I proudly state I am non-monogamous is a hurdle I keep having to jump. And well, they just don’t give me enough characters in a message to say what I really feel about this… Non-monogamy is not code for hookups or FWB.

Now, I know that the majority of my readers have already been exposed to the word non-monogamy, but if you haven’t, then I am about to blow your mind… the diversity within the word non-monogamous is vast. In fact, I have tried to write about the definitions outside of monogamy so many times, and always come up short. Many call it a spectrum and I urge you to go and look one up if you haven’t already. Suffice it to say, pretty much any relationship outside of monogamy is possible including: polyamory, swinging, triads, FWB, foursomes, don’t ask don’t tell, ethical non-monogamy, and when you factor in all the gender diversity too… well, it turns out that there is no solid assumption you can make when you read someone identifies as non-monogamous.

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And honestly, that is one of my favorite things about being non-monogamous, the freedom to choose. The freedom over my body, my relationships, and sex life is pretty damn empowering. That I can love someone with all my heart, and still be able to explore things I am interested in sexually and emotionally. Ok, I know you have all read my little anthem before. I love being non-monogamous. What I don’t love is being told that I am only looking for hookups. Or that I am only worthy of a FWB. Or that I am a slut or I am unable to settle down, by extension that something must be wrong with me. Or that I my sex life is unfulfilling. (Again, people I haven’t even met have dared to say each and everyone of these things to me on various online dating sites).

 My optimistic nature thought, and still tries to be hopeful in the idea that new people would get excited about my relationship fluidity. If someone is amazing, I will make an effort to fit them into my life. It could be a hook-up once a year, or something more ongoing. It could be a full-on relationship where we go out on dates, plan a future, and grow to love each other. It could be physical, emotional, flirty, honestly it depends on our chemistry and timing and all those wonderful factors that come into play. I am open to the possibilities and don’t want to pigeon hole myself into some ideal that won’t make sense long term.

Sex is important to me. And yes, I want to get laid as often as possible. But if all you are offering me is that? Well, I am going to hold out for someone who actually wants to get to know me, and not just my body, because right now… that is what I am looking for. Also, I reserve the right to change my mind at any time: my body, my heart, my choice!

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