Tag: Polyamory

First Polyamorous Inklings… In a Long TIME!

    K Ghislaine
A little saucy angel?

My dating skills are a little rusty, having properly isolated for both my mental health and safety for pretty much the entirety of 2020 and beyond.  Taking an entire year off of kissing, and new relationship butterflies, did something strange. It made the fireworks of a few first kisses with new people pretty much off the charts.  And well, that confused my little soul. Was the chemistry the start of something real, and intense? Or simply the result of being in isolation for so long, and my bodies way of responding with heightened sensitivity? Or, are these the remnants of being open for so long, or maybe the first polyamorous inklings in a long time!

I’m not really looking for an answer, but what I am discovering is underneath all of that, was a part of me that I thought could have been damaged beyond repair, my ability to explore my polyamorous side again. I had someone very dear to me, ask if I could go back to non-monogamy, and my only answer at the time was “I don’t know”.  I spoke out of a place of hurt, and damage. And believe me when I say I have put a lot of effort into healing those deep wounds.  Being both gender and relationship fluid, I have always been open to the possibilities, but, I was expecting that someone else would take a bit of that lead.  That I would fall in love, and, the natural course of life would occur.

But, here I sit, wondering if I am about to take the reigns. If perhaps I am going to take control and guide the next few men or women in my life towards something that I desire.  2021 is all about me taking back ownership of my life, my home, and my future. That being said, I have loved the fantasy of being swept off my feet. And that has me wondering, if perhaps, I am about to sweep myself off my feet. Is that even a thing? Can I be happy in control of my relationships? Is that a dynamic that will bring me joy? I have no clue, but after kissing a new guy, I desperately wanted to go run and share the moment with someone special.  And I have not felt that desire in a long time. Having had to be closed, and keep my own secrets for longer than I care to admit, made it the default that I am now questioning.

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Does this post even make any sense? Maybe it’s not supposed to because I am in a place of change, growth, and more importantly, I have felt more happiness in the day to day, than I have in years. And the only thing I can attribute that to is the hope I have with some amazing people, and the fact that I have shut off the one big burden that closed me off. Which is a state of being I never want to experience again.

The feelings right now are subtle. Those little butterflies building for multiple people, and wanting share everything I’m doing with them feels strange, and a little uncomfortable, but in a good and hopeful way. And without the protective comfort of a long term, stable partner to come home to, I think is where I’m a little baffled. I’m taking the role of the stable one, and providing the inner strength all on my own. I feel empowered to vocalize what I want. To do the check-ins, and not settle for the person who just let’s me flounder. I have a funny feeling these next few months are going to be very interesting…

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2021 – Real and Raw

    K Ghislaine
Real and Raw for 2021

Over the past few weeks I have written some pretty great rants for my blog.  And then I read them over, and realize that nope, they are not for public consumption. Instead they are tough conversation starters that I need to have at home. And it’s funny, that that was why I started blogging in the first place, writing out the hard questions (It was called question everything). Before I developed the skills to talk about the hard stuff, I would write them down, in an ambiguous way and then just hope that the person they were about would read them, and just intuitively decode the message and we could talk about things. Spoiler alert… it NEVER happened.

But, I did get practice writing rants, raves, and general queries out to collect my thoughts. Which turned into better clarity when talking about all the difficulties in my relationship, and of course led to real changes or realizations that things had to be accepted or move on. So why am I sharing this with you? Because my friends, that is who I am. I am real, and raw and ready to tackle 2021. So get ready because I am about to start blogging about solo polyamorous dating.

For those wondering if you missed some huge breakup post or drama filled lament from me, you didn’t.  Why, because there was no need to write one. I am just not a fighter. In fact, in a decade of being together we have had one screaming match… ever. I am talking one big fight, and it was after we were already broken up. I would call it an airing of our drunken grievances if nothing else. So, again, do no hold your breath for some drama fuelled I hate him post, because it just isn’t how I roll. Calm and rational to the end (well in person).

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I am going to make a tonne of mistakes, because this is a whole new world going it alone in non-monogamy. In fact, I am making one right now that I am kicking myself for (new post coming soon on that one). That being said, I have a sneaking suspicion that this go around in my relationship exploration, there are going to be a lot more posts about peoples reactions to me, and the situations they find themselves in a result of meeting yours truly. There is zero ill will intended, and in a perfect world, everyone would automatically be on the same page as me and we would have great sex and live happily ever after. But, of course we cannot have nice things, especially after 2020.

So, in true me fashion, I hope you enjoy (probably more than I will) the real and raw journey of my solo polyamorous tales going forward. I anticipate bouts of monogamy, dating tales, and well, I don’t even want to guess at all the pitfalls because I might lose my nerve to think of them. Haha! Oh, and I would love to hear your thoughts on using the term ethical when it comes to non-monogamy. For better or for worse, this is going to be a theme I touch on a few times over the next little while, because the word is already becoming problematic. But I will save that for a future post.  Welcome 2021 and my continuing saga of breaking away from monogamy my way.

A huge thank you to everyone who helped fuel me through 2020 on my Patreon! Hopefully the bonus content this year will be even better with sneak peaks of new podcasts, and all the behind the scenes photos you’ve come to enjoy.

Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging

    K Ghislaine

A look into why I hate the hookup culture

Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging
Hookup Culture, Couples, and Swinging

Here’s the post that I am positive is going to have my readers and followers drop right off, but I need to say it.  I hate the hookup culture.  I hated it when I was single.  I hated it when I was trying to date single guys when I was in an open relationship and I really struggle with it while trying to date couples off of swinging websites.  In my last post, I wrote about how chemistry is key, and I want to take that a step further now.  While I fully admit, that I can turn off the emotional connection for a totally delicious yummy 10, the reality is, they are so few and far between that it’s almost not even worth mentioning.

I have in fact hooked up with a cop, simply because of his position of power, his body type, and the fantasy I had about who he represented for my past and future spank bank and carelessly threw out the window any and all conversation.  Yes, I am capable of doing this.  But, I mean, for me, all the work it took to engage him in a sexual one-time tryst just wasn’t worth it.  I mean, I am glad I did it.  But the repeatability factor of all the time and energy just for the one hour or so, it exhausts me just to think about.  And the reason I mention this fact at all, is that many studies say that women have a much harder time reaching sexual satisfaction if there is zero emotional connection.  And for the matter of this post, that is not the reason I dislike hookups.  Not orgasming has never been my issue.  Instead, it is the quality and the time factor that really are the keys here, especially as I get older (wiser).

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Ok, let’s get back to the topic of hookup culture, which I sense is something that people equate swinging with, people including me.  I do, in fact believe that many swingers are just looking to hook-up for one evening and never talk to the people they slept with again.  There is an excitement and rush to that, so I would be wrong to say that I hate that aspect of things.  What I am struggling with is the expectation of just hookups.  The, all dressed up, so you might as well fuck me, mentality that many seem to have.  Or the couples you chat with online who want a guarantee of action before they will commit to meeting for drinks.  That’s just not my style.  Sex is not, and should not be the expectation or a sure thing.  Even typing that I cringe.  And yet, when chatting with people on swingers sites, I find that this is very much the case.

So maybe I shouldn’t look to swinger sites to find couples then right?  When the dating pool is this small, you go where the people are.  And yes, we have found a lot of people, just like us, navigating these murky waters looking for a fit.  I see constantly posts about people who are in-between swinging and poly.  They have no label, and no specific place to find people.  So they do what we do, cast their lines out in hopes to get a nibble.  I do wish that I could attend a non-monogamous beer hall, where all the people there have one thing in common, being non-monogamous.  I think that would be an amazing thing to start trending.  But, as that will take time, work, and a catchy name, for now we are left with munches, and swinger parties.  These are not a perfect fit, but they are a start.

And well, the bottom line is, I want to get to know people.  And beyond that, I love the idea that my partner and I could sleep with them too.  And even better, that we could do it on a semi-regular basis, and hang out, and share our celebrations and be a part of each other’s lives.  That’s what I desire in people.  I want more than just their bodies or a quick orgasm.  I want the whole person, the entire couple, the formation of a foursome, or even moresomes.  I want it all.  I want more than just a hookup!

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Is it Ethical to Date the Monogamous When You Are Non-Monogamous?

    K Ghislaine

Another question in my non-monogamous journey.

Oh yes, I am definitely going there, and I truly hope that we get some discussion or debate rather than just the very easy like or block.  Why is that?  Because this is a subject that I personally have flip flopped a few times on in my non-monogamous exploration and believe is something that should be part of our dialogue when deciding to explore relationships outside of your primary one.  So let me clarify a few considerations that went into me deciding if this is ethical or not for my own life, and share with you the actual thought process that I went through to reach my current leanings.

First, I think it is very fair to hypothesize that the current generation of people we are interacting with were raised monogamous.  With that assumption in mind, being that we all started believing monogamy was the only relationship norms, then it follows suit that at one point we were all dating someone non-monogamous when we ourselves were of a monogamous mindset.  And were in fact converted, enlightened, or had an experience that made us want to run away from monogamy forever! 

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Second, the point about disclosure.  If we assume that we were all monogamous at one point, then the real point of discussion lies in the realm of disclosure.  At when point do you tell a monogamous person that you are of a non-monogamous persuasion? Here, I believe it is a little different depending on the gender or the goal that you have in non-monogamy.  For me, and for my safety and sanity, I disclose before I ever meet someone.  My reasoning is, that I prefer to have the, no my lifestyle does not make me a slut, and no in fact, taking me out for a beer is not a guarantee of an easy lay, before meeting someone. Whereas, for my partner, it is much easier for him to have the non-monogamy conversation in person to feel out the person that he is meeting for the first time.  He has been burned many times by women who claim they are curious or OK with non-monogamy and then turn out to be complete liars on this point.  The only way for him to be sure, is to read their body language with a face to face conversation.

The take away? Disclosure within the first meeting or prior makes dating a non-monogamous person ethical for me.  While I would never try and force non-monogamy, polyamory or open relationships on anyone, I do feel that a monogamous person should be given the same opportunity to explore a world outside of there raised standard that I was.  I would never have met my partner if his rule was to ignore all monogamous women. While for me, I have been a lot more successful sticking to already exposed non-monogamous men, I have certainly had much more fulfilling conversations with those who are monogamous. 

As a tiny little aside to this statement, men who are non-monogamous, primarily want to discuss sex, fetishes, and all their kinks with me on a very first meeting. It’s like they are beyond pent up and just erupt with overshare the moment they meet me.  Yes, I find this intensely distasteful. I do not discuss sex with anyone within a first meeting. Get to know me as a person first!  Whereas with monogamous men, I find they are much more keen to get to know me, ask questions and share their reservations or interest level in a far less sexualized context.  I feel like more of a person on a monogamous date, which is something I hope changes in the next few years, because honestly non-monogamous dudes, you are ruining your chances by this behaviour!!! 

Ok, back to the topic at hand.  Yes, I feel dating a monogamous person is completely ethical so long as you disclose right away. This is based on a few things, including my own personal experience, the fact that the non-monogamous pool is far too tiny to stick to, and currently, the men in that pool are not at a level that I find them attractive (with the exception of dating couples which is currently my preference).

Will this opinion change?  Perhaps, especially if the trend of non-monogamy keeps growing at the current rate.  In 20 years, it is possible that everyone will have been exposed to non-monogamy in some form or another and will have already made their fully educated choice on the matter.  And at that point, it would be silly to date someone who had already made their monogamous choice, and open you up to intense heartache!  But for now, it really is the only way to meet new people and have some great conversations and experiences!

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Comparing Polyamory to Veganism?!?!

    K Ghislaine

Now this is a topic that I find both hilarious and surprisingly widespread.  There is a huge misconception that people who practice polyamory are on a quest to convert you, just as vegans are, to our or their way of thinking respectively.  There is in fact a social justice warrior type movement, hopefully they are only on the internet,that perpetuates this sort of stigma.  In fact, almost every single polyamorous forum or network that I have seen, or been a part of, always seems to digress into this strange dynamic of hierarchy and control.  A strange belief that always seems contrary to the multiple love and acceptance mantra that I personally associate with poly people, and myself.  The bottom line, “polyamorists” are trying to expose you to their superior, and ultimately more natural and free way of life because they want to fuck you or share with you what enlightenment that they have found in multiple loves.

So, here’s the thing, on the internet, yes, YES this is a thing.  In every forum, the squeaky wheel or the troll makes the loudest fuss and always seems to illicit the most attention.  The resulting perception is that, yes in fact, we want you to join us because we have done all this research and believe that our way of defining relationships is more in tune with nature and ultimately better.  There is no denying that in the beautiful world of social media, this statement holds true.  Bring on any debate or conversation and someone, somewhere will pipe up, and try to bring you over to the glittery side of our relationship spectrum.  The one free from monogamy and the pair bonding that binds you and closes you off to amazing new experiences.  Yes, that is the internet in a nutshell, but thankfully, the real world is much different.

I have many friends with whom I have discovered over the years, have dipped a toe into the swinging world, open relationships, polyamory and everything in between.  They are normal, regular people that I am happy to call my friends.  And the coolest thing is, if it were not for my blog, I would never have found out about their lifestyles.  Why is that?  Because in the real world, we do not just go out there to convert our friends, co workers or every awesome person we meet on the street.  It just isn’t a thing.  Non-monogamy takes a lot of work, amazing communication and a real understanding of who you are and what you want.  This journey, as most can attest, began with a lot of soul searching, research and an intrinsic understanding of your core beliefs.  It is not something that happens over night.  It is rare that a random threesome or orgie (as part of someone’s bucket list for example) will turn into a relationship perception switch.

I truly believe that some people are far better suited for monogamy than others.  And the variety of those relationship norms makes this journey incredibly diverse and interesting.  There is no right way of living.  Some people are vegan due to physical dietary restrictions and have absolutely no choice but to eat things that their body can handle.  And some vegans are on the opposite end of the spectrum, trying to convert everyone to save the animals and do no harm.  They have a mission.  A mandate and an intrinsic belief that they must save humanity, by saving the animals. 

Ok, in polyamory, there just simply isn’t just cause for everyone to start falling in love with everyone else.  It just wouldn’t be practical or realistic.  Group love, on an international scale actually seems quite silly, to me anyways.  And perhaps there are in fact radical poly folks who believe their sole purpose in life is to unite the world in loving harmony.  And well, there are radicals in every mindset.  People who take a good idea and push it to the often laughable extremes.  Myself, I just don’t buy into that.  I don’t want my community saturated with people who were just converted for the sake of getting more sex.  It would absolutely spoil my experience.  But hey, that’s just my two cents on the laughable twitter conversation that has a ridiculous number of people coming forward stating just how similar these two groups of people are.  I honestly do not think any of them have met a polyamourous person in the flesh!

 

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