But what about the sex, or using my vibrator, could that be to blame?
There just must be something to blame, someone, oh it must be me
So many questions but no satisfying answers
It happens, it is normal, your body knows what’s best
The wrong signals were sent, the womb was confused, everything was out of your control
It is not your fault
I repeat, it is not your fault
But who’s fault is it?
Why did it happen?
And how can I prevent it happening again?
You can’t, you won’t, somethings just are what they are
The numbers they swirl,
40
You are old, it is too late
20%
It is going to happen again
50%
Your quality is diminished
I cry
So it is my fault
I waited too late
I did everything wrong
I am to blame
No, it is not your fault
You are not to blame
It happens, it is OK
You will try again, you will find a way because it is what you do best
Remember, it is OK, it is not your fault
We love you
I Love You
Thank you all for the love and support on here, social media, and on Patreon. For the likes, shares, comments, and private words of encouragement. It’s nice not to be alone.
If time wasn’t a factor I “would love to just, “let things happen” so to speak, but I am 40. I pour over the stats saying that the old you get, the likely hood of getting pregnant reduces by not just a few points, but by entire percentages. It’s daunting. And let us not forget, that looming, very close by now, is the possibility of peri-menopause, and ultimately, the ending of my egg producing power. I tremble as I write that. It looms, ominously over my head, taunting me. I haven’t feared getting older like this before. Please body, please on please just let me pop out a couple of healthy babies before you shut that down, I plea through tears as I enter the dreaded two week limbo.
If I had met this man 10 years earlier, well, everything would be different, and if I go down that rabbit hole, the truth is, we probably wouldn’t have been as compatible as we are now. So, I won’t lament, or regret the things that cannot be, other than to say, trying to conceive would have been easier. And on that note, trying to have a baby, is so much more of everything than I ever could have imagines.
The pros of course, include sex, more sex, and intimacy that is nothing short of miraculous. Two people, coming together, trying to start a life, because we are truly in love, and want a family is more than I could have imagined as a youth. The butterflies in my stomach feeling is ongoing, and is blissful, calming, and exciting all at the same time. I love just laying in his arms afterwards, calm, fulfilled, and in an enjoyment of the silence of my wondering, pondering brain. There is nothing quite like that kind of sex. All risk is gone, and what it left is possibilities, and happiness. Oh and sweet sweet satisfaction.
The cons however, creep into my mind, very shortly afterwards. During the past 5 years, I worked very diligently to listen and react to my body, mind, and emotions. Through yoga, writing, and the ear of an amazing woman, I became more in tune with everything internal. Overall, this has brought me great strength, honed my empathy, and allowed me the permission to listen to my body cues, and rest when needed. Something that I have never been able to do before. Unfortunately, being so in tune with my inner working, I am also more susceptible to noticing changes in my body.
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As I mentioned in my previous post, my hormones are raging, and causing nothing short of chaos during the 2 weeks after ovulation. I feel everything! And let me tell you, that ride is no fun. If you Google early pregnancy symptoms, PMS, and ovulation, there is so much overlap between them, that there is zero telling what is actually going on. And for added fun, there is simply no method of testing to tell you the truth of your body. At least nothing in a cost effective, at home, peace of mind type way. Pregnancy test only work accurately when you miss your period. Blood tests tell you thing much sooner, but, you need to see your Dr. for a referral, and that usually takes the same amount of time. There are urine test, and thermometers for ovulation prediction, but that still leaves you with the 2 weeks until your period arrives to contend with.
Some of you might be saying, “it’s only 2 weeks” that’s nothing in the grand scheme of things! But during those two weeks, your hormones are doing all of the things. And as added fun, I found out recently, that many women experience an increase of hormonal fluctuations as they grow closer, and close to menopause. For those who don’t or didn’t, I am so envious of you, because the last few months has included more emotional breakdowns than I think the rest of my PMS combined. Maybe a slight exaggeration, for dramatic effect, to drive home the point of my exhaustion.
Dearly, I would love to just stop listening to my body. To go with the flow, and say, c’est la vie! Followed by que sera, sera. But, to go full circle in this post, I am 40. Time is not on my side. Egg quality is diminishing. My chances are going down exponentially, and as my Dr. informed me, my problem is not infertility (due to my miscarriages), so… something else is going on, that I am certain time will not just fix. Argh!!! So I sit here, venting this all out in a effort to quiet the noises of hormones in my head long enough to focus on pitching my book. Fingers crossed, everything works out in my head!
If you liked this post, resonated with it, or want to help me on my publishing journey, please consider sharing, commenting, or supporting me on Patreon.
In light of the change in direction of my blog, I think it’s prudent to begin this one with a little note, or disclaimer if you will. Sex, and making a baby go hand in hand, and thus, I will be doing what I do best, which is overshare, or to put it a little kinder, be real and raw. This post is a perfect example of that, and thus, me being true to myself, and putting the things out into the world that I want to, for better or for worse. I remain sex positive, while embracing all the experiences that brought me to this point in my life. So, with this little explanation firmly in place, I will continue to share my journey.
In my last post I am pretty sure I used the words “best sex of my life”, or maybe it was the post before that, or maybe I keep writing it because it’s true. Bu the more I have been thinking about it, the more weight that statement seems to have for me, and my relationship. Yes, we absolutely fit each other damn near perfectly, and have incredible intimacy in and out of the bedroom. So, of course I can brag that we are made for each other. But, it’s actually far deeper than that. I trust him with my body, and he trusts me with his. And that is the element that sets what we have apart from anything I have experienced before.
I was previously with a man, who believed that he knew my body better than I did. Further, he believed that he knew what I wanted, because he knew what every woman wanted. This is tough to write, but with him, I gave up trying to argue or tell him what I wanted or needed, simply because he wouldn’t listen. Here’s an example, and admittedly, it’s difficult to just pick one as there are many!
I can orgasm from breast play, and because of that, I enjoy having my breasts touched and sucked in a certain way so I can have extra orgasms. I explained this to the person in question, and he excitedly wanted to see it in action. So I coached him through it, we had a lot of fun, and then for inexplicable reasons, the next time we had sex, he reverted back to a move that did nothing for me. In fact, it brought me a little discomfort. I stopped him, told him I didn’t like that, and that it did nothing for me. His response? A bold, other woman have liked it! Followed by him stopping the sex in defiance, acting basically like I had ruined everything.
OK, fine, maybe I went about it to harshly, because admittedly, I am terrible at asking for what I want. I would much rather people discover my body, and then we get to experience things together without words, and focus more on body language, and all the fun stuff in intimacy.
So, the next time, I did just that, guiding his hands, and mouth in such a way that we both could see things were working. Then boom, in the middle of things, he did the thing I had asked him not to do (which in case you are wondering is a hard tweak of my nipples). It was if he couldn’t help himself. I was gutted. This back and forth went on for months, of me stopping and moving his hands away, and him doing what he wanted because he liked it. Finally, I asked him to stop touching my breasts altogether. And the odd thing was, he was fine with this. If he couldn’t touch me the way he wanted to, he was OK with having none of it.
This is one of only many, many examples of me asking for things, which again, is something I feel very uncomfortable doing, and then being ignored, in fact told that my feelings were just wrong. I think, looking back, that is one the driving forces behind me being OK with non-monogamous exploration. I saw it as a chance to get some sexual needs met. I figured, if we were dating another couple it would be away to have a fresh start with people, and get to explore each other’s bodies, and I could finally be heard. Unfortunately, the reality was often such a frenzied buildup of sexual tension that group sex, or sex with other people was more of a release. Followed by a long wait to see them again, with the sexual tension building up, rinse and repeat. We never could quite get a stride going, whereby intimacy with people outside of us could grow, and I could get that side of my needs met. Even though I tried, so many times!
Now, enter in the man of my dreams, with every single cliché I hate and love at the same time. We listen to each other, and really want to please the other. The connection is mind blowing! And while we haven’t been together for decades, or even years, I can honestly say, he his the first person I have felt electricity with this far into things. Usually that wains, once the butterflies wear off, but with him, I still find myself catching my breath, or falling deeper in love.
The foundation for how we talk about sex, and our intimate needs is firmly in place. We’ve both made plenty of mistakes in past relationships, and instead of holding onto those grudges, we openly embrace the possibilities that we can create together (Ooph that phrase has a lot of extra meaning at this juncture). And also, we satisfy each other. No matter what, we are enough for each other. And that is the key, my key. That mystical thing that I was looking for all these years, and never quite found, until the day I realized to my delight that he might have been flirting with me. And when we slept together that first time, I knew that he was by far, the best I had ever had.
As promised, this post has a behind the scenes photo up on my Patreon! Or if you are looking for other way to support, why not take a look at some of my affiliate links on my home page? Thank you for the love and support, mostly though, for just reading.
I have worked my butt off to be great when it comes to relationships. I even wrote a post touting all the books that helped shape who I am as a person, and why I communicate the way I do. Wonderful! I have done extensive writing, journaling, and research into chasing butterflies, and dealing with aftershocks and all the fun moments in time that I have experienced over the years. Amazing. Yay me! Then I went a step farther and read a book called “Why We Love” by Dr. Anna Machin. Even better, now I could add to my resume, the scientific knowledge behind why love is so important to how we socialize as humans. Our basic survival actually depends on it. Again, Wow! My pragmatic and rational side really came through for me, but wait, never once did I talk about falling in love.
Why? Because honestly, that just wasn’t something I factored into the equation. In fact, I think I had been so jaded about the whole finding someone to spend time with, I forgot that part even existed. And that’s not entirely my fault, well, maybe it is. I know I fell in love with my ex fiance. But, honestly, I can’t remember what that felt like. Sure it was a long time ago, but also, pretty much everything in my life was going on. I met him at the tender age of 17, when we were both in university, and we just fell into stride with one another. Experiencing pretty much every first in tandem, builds something pretty unique, but, honestly, nothing all that memorable.
Then there was my next long term partnership, which was pretty much non-stop adventure. And love, just wasn’t logical in the sense of anything I had experienced before. And because that is such a tough one to explain, I am almost finished writing an entire book on it. One thing I don’t think I touched on in it, and maybe I should add it to the summary is how we came to the conclusion of love. I think I said it about 6 months into the relationship, and I believe he said it back about 6 months after that. It was slow as molasses. And it wasn’t the experience of falling in love. It was more of an inevitability that grew into a partnership.
Here I sit though, realizing that I am falling head over heels for someone pretty incredible. I actually am experiencing the whooshing of falling feeling, and the holy shit this is moving way to fast, but… I don’t want to stop or catch my breath. The whole desire to spend every waking moment with him is so supremely real that I cannot help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. And yet, we are both so happy, ready for this, and open to seeing where this goes. The idea that your person is out there, you can actually talk about everything and your bodies fit together in magical perfection? Brain is exploding here. I’m 39, and I am experiencing firsthand the concept of falling in love, and redundant or not, I love it.
Thank you to everyone who has helped the book writing process by fuelling me with beer via my Patreon!
Last summer, I had this strange premonition that I would be with someone that I already knew. It was honestly one of those moments that just shook me to my core. I don’t get these feelings very often, but, when I do, I try my best to listen. Part of the reason this moment seemed to make sense to me, is due to me really wanting to meet someone that I was friends with first. There is just something about having that friendship as a foundation that has made sense to me for a long time. And my last two serious relationships did not have that as a start, so I figured trying something new wouldn’t hurt, hence organically finding that person.
The thing about that was now, I had to figure out this puzzle of my own design; who was this mystery person? Did this person actually exists or was my gut instinct just playing games? Well, if you’ve been reading my saga over the past few years, my life has been a flourish of heartbreak, ghosting, soul searching, and just finally becoming comfortable living solo. I have honestly built up the strongest friendship circle of my life, with simply solid individuals that I adore. There is no person that I wouldn’t feel comfortable introducing to anyone else, even with all of our differences, which is a pretty big achievement.
With that being said, I also took a bit of a leap of faith in the late spring and shut down every single online dating site I was a part of. I figured that my best shot at finding a person to click with, was via the organic route. As luck would have it, I ended up making some, shall we call it missed connections? People from my past that timing wasn’t quite right, and on and on. Trial and mostly error! Haha! Any who, nothing was quite ticking all the boxes. If the sex was good, they simply weren’t all in. Or if the physical was OK, the conversation was outstanding, so I tried a little too hard to keep that going, and well I could go on and on (truthfully the list makes it sound like there were far more connections than there were, and nothing could be farther from the truth as this is a summary of what has spanned a few years). This didn’t really deter me, because with so much time spent dating on the non-monogamous side of things, I was aware of the distinct possibility that it would take a few men to really complete me. So I forged ahead.
Slowly, though, I had been taking the time to really journal and be honest with myself. I am a better and stronger person in a relationship. I really flourish in a partnership. And that is nothing to beat myself up over, or to feel this strange weakness about. I like being there for someone, and having them there for me. Of course, I am emotionally strong and conditioned to pretty much handle everything that gets thrown my way, but I want someone to cuddle, to be vulnerable with, and all that jazz. Yes, these are real moments I put down on paper. Identifying who I am/was/will be.
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I have put myself out there, emotionally, a lot! I cannot understate how many times I have just gone for something, only to have the door slammed in my face, or simply disappear. The surprising thing to me, is that instead of this hardening me, it’s actually given me a bit of confidence to keep being authentic and vulnerable. Why? The simple fact is I like being that person. Yes, I am not a person to be messed with, and I take very very little shit. But, that’s not anything I need to work on or improve. That is a large part of who I am. But I like being able to share the sensitive side of me, without having to explain how tough I am as a check and balance.
Anyways, maybe you can relate to where I am coming from right now, or perhaps you felt something similar when those stars just aligned for you in meeting your spouse, or your bestie of besties, or really a person that just fits you. I see the universe spiralling someone closer and closer to me, and to say I am excited would be an understatement. And this has been completely organic, and someone that I have known for a while, and have been creating a pretty solid friendship with. Let us see where this chapter leads shall we?
Thank you everyone for the birthday beers last month! There is bunch of behind the scenes planned on my patreon for my sex positive challenge going on over on twitter. Hope to see you there!
