Tag: Sex Positive Community

That Tingly Feeling When the Numbness Leaves

    K Ghislaine

A Little Update…

That tingly feeling

I cannot believe that it has been a year since I wrote my piece on Breaking Free From Gaslighting.  When I wrote it last June, I thought that I was in a situation where life was completely hopeless and perhaps writing about the past situation would grant me a little mental relief.  I was in a hopeless teeter-totter of emotions where the only thing I could do was control my own reactions, because there was nothing I could do solve the inherent problem.  It was actually a pretty interesting game of mental gymnastics on my part. 

First, I would cry, get angry, basically go through all the stages of grief. Then I would have this wave of motivation and just start creating new things like a person possessed.  Fueling my creativity with all the negative thoughts that were just there. I was locked in this back and forth, until suddenly, something completely outside of my control happened, depression.  My house became plagued with this treacherous beast and we were powerless to stop it. I will save the details for another time, but I will say time lost all meaning. I was no longer coping, I was in full survival mode, and not just for me, but my household too. And that was the moment I did the only I knew how to do, go numb.

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When I was a small child, I learn how to go numb as a defence mechanism when a bunch of horrible crap was occurring around me and I had no tools to deal with it. And well, that whole ice queen persona stuck with me well into my 20’s.  When I finally learned how to laugh, and be a sex positive person, I figured I would never fall back into that numb place, but last summer, I did.  What’s more, I have had to stay in a state of numbness up until this week.  Why? Because as the gaslighter continued to exert his control over me, I was powerless.  The only solution was out of my control, and all I could do was guide the process or stand idly by as best I could (which I am not good at!). 

Maybe you have felt this? Perhaps I am describing a situation that feels so foreign to you, you want to reach out and hug me, or worse, pity me.  Wherever you fall reading that purposefully vague statement (privacy is paramount here, as I don’t want to go from one legal battle directly into another one), I hope you understand one thing, I survived.  And now, I have that tingly feeling all over my body from where that numbness was.  It feels euphoric, brings me to tears with that release, and then just has me grinning.  I feel like I am waking up. 

Thank you all for participating and supporting the first week of the sex positive 30 day challenge because honestly, this gave me a purpose.  I chose a project that required skills far beyond my comfort zone (graphic design) and forced me to put myself out there, just as much as I was asking all of you to be.  And it has grounded me for an hour or so, every day, while I try and rectify my new reality and emotions.  Having the constant burden of fear no longer blocking my path to happiness is a pretty intense feeling. I thank you all for reading up to this point!  Your support has been pretty damn integral to focusing my tingly feeling on something tangible rather than just melting into a puddle of giggly goo.

So, that is the brief update on where this sex positive blogger is at with her life… the tingly road to freedom!  And now, back to the #sexpositive30days challenge!

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Sex Positive – 30 Day Challenge

    K Ghislaine
#SexPositive30Days

Do you consider yourself to be a sex positive individual?  Have you ever used the term, or given thought to what that really means?  Are you curious about how embracing a sex positive attitude can enhance your life?  Or, are you just bored and ready for a challenge?  If you answered yes, then I invite you to participate in this sex positive 30 day challenge. 

What is the Sex Positive Challenge?

For the month of May (2020), I will be posting daily challenges with one common theme, being sex positive.  Some challenges will take a few seconds, while others will take a bit longer.  There are no score cards, or points awarded, as this is a personal journey.  We all come from different backgrounds and have unique experiences when it comes to sex and pleasure, so with that in mind, I have designed each day to be as inclusive as possible.  Whatever your orientation, or relationship status, you will be able to participate in some way, every day.

How Do I Participate?

I will posting a daily task via Twitter (@booksSex) and Instagram (Beerlover_Boobowner).  I will be completing each task on my personal twitter account (@k_ghislaine) so you can see a daily example if you need.  Feel free to post photos, videos, type something out, or just like and share with your friends.   How you choose to participate is entirely up to you.  And yes, some will be very personal, and you may want to do privately rather than publicly (especially the weekly self love activities).  Whatever you choose, I truly hope you have fun, and have a few days that challenge you to think differently or pat yourself on the back for embracing what it truly means to live as a sex positive individual. 

If you do decide to post anything on social media please use #sexpositive30days so anyone participating can easily find your posts!

And while we gear up for May 1st, and the start of the #SexPositive30Days, let us all Check-In!  How are you doing?

Side Note

The goal of this challenge is to be fun, educational, and continue to grow and expand the sex positive community with ethical and incredible humans. If you are enjoying this, and want to participate in future activities please consider liking, sharing, and if you feel so inclined check out my Patreon.  I have a created a tier where you can drop in, leave a small tip, and maybe see a few bonus entries.  Don’t forget, the success of this challenge is completely in your hands! 

Thank you all!  And good luck!

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Breaking Away from Monogamy Check-In

    K Ghislaine
Check-In

I have a bunch of blog posts, articles, pictures, and projects on the verge of being shared, but before I do that, I want to ask one thing: How are you doing?

For me, it has been 6 weeks of my partner and I against the world.  We alternate going grocery shopping every 10 days or so, and go out to pick up a new keg of beer every two weeks.  The sunshine has been shining for the last 2 days which as certainly helped, but let me be completely honest, I now have days in a row where I do nothing.  I love my projects, and my writing grounds me, but for one reason or another, I just do nothing!  Many days I feel just like I am in a state of limbo.  That’s me, now, how are you doing? Feel free to answer in the comments, social media, or even share a post you have written about your current state of mind.

Check-In’s are important.  At the end of this isolation, having a strong network of support will make shifting out easier.  We had no say as to when the distancing would begin, and that can be incredibly challenging for many of us.  Being told what to do is not an easy thing.  We are adults after all, with autonomy, and yet, here we all sit choosing the collective good of society, rather than our own selfish needs. And that needs to be acknowledged and celebrated.  I thank each and everyone of you who are doing your part to distance, and minimize contact with your fellow humans.  Again though, this is not easy, so, how are you doing?

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If you are not Ok, please comment.  Reach out!  Let us all help each other get through this. Alternatively, if there is something that you are doing that is working really well, could you please share?  Maybe something as simple as smiling at yourself in the mirror, or taking 5 minutes to stretch your whole body helps.  Wherever you are with this check in, let us work together by helping, or sharing.  The whole social media community has a real opportunity to prove its real value in our society.  So, let us pause, reflect, and use the tools we have on hand.

Today, I am doing OK.  How are you?

Saying No: It’s Not Just for the Bedroom

    K Ghislaine

Consent in our Daily Lives

Ask Before Touching

After publishing my latest piece on consent via Medium, a horrible thought struck me.  Are we reaching a saturation point, whereby we are overusing the word consent?  Are we perhaps beating a dead horse and losing the momentum?  The sex positive community knows what it means, and employs it regularly, whereas the primarily monogamous part of our society is ignoring the importance of what this actually means.  When I talk about consent with people in person, I get the impression that people just don’t care about the word or it’s implications.  It feels like it is reserved for situations such as rape, sexual harassment, etc.  Not something that the average person really needs to think about. 

We read in the news all about the extreme situations whereby a coach used their position of power to sexually abuse their athletes, or the serial rapist who drugged their victims then took advantage of them.  We as a society see these actions as morally and criminally wrong, and leave it at that.  We don’t think about, or want to think about everything that lead up to these extreme situations.  We don’t want to acknowledge that in our day to day lives there are countless moments where we just go with the flow.  We do not say no, or even yes with authenticity.

How many times in the past 24 hours have you been tasked with something that you did not want to do?  How many times in the last month were you asked to do something that you morally felt uncomfortable with?  Did it even cross your mind to say something?  Or, did you just go with the flow, and choose not to ruffle feathers.  To trust your superior, with blind faith?  I for one, do it all the time, or at least I know I used to.  I relied on a stable income, so I chose to not speak up when I felt uncomfortable with an assigned task.  I chose to just do my job, and that would be the end of it. 

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There is an added element to this, that I would be amyss not bringing up.  I was raised, as female, and to always be the peacemaker.  To try and find common ground, compromise, and above all, do not stand out or be bitchy.  I know, I have written about this before, but, it is necessary to repeat.  If you are raised, as I was, to be calm, level headed, always smiling person that people can count on, you are not in the same breath taught to assert yourself.  You are not taught how to say yes or no.  You are not raised to understand that your voice will be taken seriously, respected, or to have any impact whatsoever.  Your role is to keep things even and balanced.  But speaking up, and saying you are not OK with a situation is just, wrong.  This in short is not your place.

Obviously, this mentality, is part of the reason so many of us struggle with consent.  For my male counterparts, they were not raised to hear the word no.  And I was not raised to say the word no. So therefore, giving this whole consent topic anything more than a passing glance would be a waste of time.  This is a them problem.  This is something that outliers need to deal with.  No rational or normal person would take advantage of a situation or a person beneath them.  Well, if you haven’t figured it out already, that is a complete farce. We all, are faced with choices, on a daily basis, and especially us, easy going Canadians, will not speak our minds. We do not utilize the yes or no in our verbiage unless it is an extreme situation.  We choose not to offend within our families, or stand up for what’s right in our careers. 

Saying yes or no is still taboo, and this needs to change.  My voice matters, and your voice matters.  My ability to assert myself is a fundamental part of who I am.  Your ability to have autonomy over your body and actions are what make you… you!  We must start talking about consent, and how we can start using these words with authenticity, and how we can teach it to the next generation. 

Thank you to everyone who has like, read, shared, and special thanks to those who take the time to comment and engage! And if you want to go one step further, please check out my Patreon!

Sex and My Mental Health

    K Ghislaine
Is the mischief being managed?

No matter how hard I try to pretend that my sex life is not intrinsically linked to my mental health, I cannot.  When I do not orgasm for a few days, my capacity to handle day to day tasks diminishes.  And when I have not been hugged, kissed, cuddled, or am starved for intimacy for any length of time I flounder.  I want to be better than this.  I want to be independent of my dependency on intimacy, but I just cannot do it.  I can be brave and strong for a while, and then, before my eyes, I see my judgement and basic autonomy over my own emotions faulter.  I see my confidence fade and worse, I begin to make negative correlations such as, my life is this way because I must have done something dreadful in a past life, and other such rhetoric.  And to be clear, I don’t even believe in past lives, so this dialogue makes absolutely zero sense.

I will admit, that I don’t enjoy asking for sex or intimacy.  It is one of those things that I take for granted and usually just falls into my lap (this is not a brag, just a pattern I have noticed).  Or I have developed a dynamic with a person who loves being the instigator and we fall into an incredible thing whereby I never quite know when I’m going to get laid (and I love that!).  But this time around, things feel different.  I’m not sure if it is age sneaking up on me, or what, but I just feel like I am looking for connections in all the wrong places.  And that is making me fail even harder.  I mean, I usually love a great challenge, and the thrill of something forbidden. This works well for me, because up until recently, I have always had something to fall back on.  So coming back from the “hunt” empty handed, was never an issue.  I have never felt this starved before. 

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And it is wearing me down.  I have questioned my self worth, my sex appeal, my value, and basically the whole, do I even deserve to be loved?  I can honestly tell you that being non-monogamous (a post about where I have been in the non-monogamous world for too long) does not make any of these feelings easier.  I feel the same loneliness I would if I was in a partnership with just one person.  Just because I am able to see multiple people does not mean that I am free of feeling this void, this emptiness.  And it would be melodramatic to state that it is even harder, because I am doubly or triply lonely.  That I should already have my tribe and never feel this way.  That somehow the whole point of this expansive relationship norm, should prevent this total collapse into my pity party.  But, I am no different from any other lonely person, figuring life out, and trying to get their needs met, both emotionally, and physically.

I just want to love with my whole being, and be loved the same way in return.  And until I can find a rational, and ethical way to get my physical needs met, I am going to struggle mentally.  I need the orgasmic release of endorphins to get me through this next little while.  I cannot fight this battle as it’s just a part of who I am.  I want to be wanted, and I want to continue going after things that make me feel amazing. And in this, there is no conclusion, simply putting out into the void the rock and hard place I find myself in. 

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