Sex Positive – 30 Day Challenge

#SexPositive30Days

Do you consider yourself to be a sex positive individual?  Have you ever used the term, or given thought to what that really means?  Are you curious about how embracing a sex positive attitude can enhance your life?  Or, are you just bored and ready for a challenge?  If you answered yes, then I invite you to participate in this sex positive 30 day challenge. 

What is the Sex Positive Challenge?

For the month of May (2020), I will be posting daily challenges with one common theme, being sex positive.  Some challenges will take a few seconds, while others will take a bit longer.  There are no score cards, or points awarded, as this is a personal journey.  We all come from different backgrounds and have unique experiences when it comes to sex and pleasure, so with that in mind, I have designed each day to be as inclusive as possible.  Whatever your orientation, or relationship status, you will be able to participate in some way, every day.

How Do I Participate?

I will posting a daily task via Twitter (@booksSex) and Instagram (Beerlover_Boobowner).  I will be completing each task on my personal twitter account (@k_ghislaine) so you can see a daily example if you need.  Feel free to post photos, videos, type something out, or just like and share with your friends.   How you choose to participate is entirely up to you.  And yes, some will be very personal, and you may want to do privately rather than publicly (especially the weekly self love activities).  Whatever you choose, I truly hope you have fun, and have a few days that challenge you to think differently or pat yourself on the back for embracing what it truly means to live as a sex positive individual. 

If you do decide to post anything on social media please use #sexpositive30days so anyone participating can easily find your posts!

And while we gear up for May 1st, and the start of the #SexPositive30Days, let us all Check-In!  How are you doing?

Side Note

The goal of this challenge is to be fun, educational, and continue to grow and expand the sex positive community with ethical and incredible humans. If you are enjoying this, and want to participate in future activities please consider liking, sharing, and if you feel so inclined check out my Patreon.  I have a created a tier where you can drop in, leave a small tip, and maybe see a few bonus entries.  Don’t forget, the success of this challenge is completely in your hands! 

Thank you all!  And good luck!

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Breaking Away from Monogamy Check-In

Check-In

I have a bunch of blog posts, articles, pictures, and projects on the verge of being shared, but before I do that, I want to ask one thing: How are you doing?

For me, it has been 6 weeks of my partner and I against the world.  We alternate going grocery shopping every 10 days or so, and go out to pick up a new keg of beer every two weeks.  The sunshine has been shining for the last 2 days which as certainly helped, but let me be completely honest, I now have days in a row where I do nothing.  I love my projects, and my writing grounds me, but for one reason or another, I just do nothing!  Many days I feel just like I am in a state of limbo.  That’s me, now, how are you doing? Feel free to answer in the comments, social media, or even share a post you have written about your current state of mind.

Check-In’s are important.  At the end of this isolation, having a strong network of support will make shifting out easier.  We had no say as to when the distancing would begin, and that can be incredibly challenging for many of us.  Being told what to do is not an easy thing.  We are adults after all, with autonomy, and yet, here we all sit choosing the collective good of society, rather than our own selfish needs. And that needs to be acknowledged and celebrated.  I thank each and everyone of you who are doing your part to distance, and minimize contact with your fellow humans.  Again though, this is not easy, so, how are you doing?

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If you are not Ok, please comment.  Reach out!  Let us all help each other get through this. Alternatively, if there is something that you are doing that is working really well, could you please share?  Maybe something as simple as smiling at yourself in the mirror, or taking 5 minutes to stretch your whole body helps.  Wherever you are with this check in, let us work together by helping, or sharing.  The whole social media community has a real opportunity to prove its real value in our society.  So, let us pause, reflect, and use the tools we have on hand.

Today, I am doing OK.  How are you?

Saying No: It’s Not Just for the Bedroom

Consent in our Daily Lives

Ask Before Touching

After publishing my latest piece on consent via Medium, a horrible thought struck me.  Are we reaching a saturation point, whereby we are overusing the word consent?  Are we perhaps beating a dead horse and losing the momentum?  The sex positive community knows what it means, and employs it regularly, whereas the primarily monogamous part of our society is ignoring the importance of what this actually means.  When I talk about consent with people in person, I get the impression that people just don’t care about the word or it’s implications.  It feels like it is reserved for situations such as rape, sexual harassment, etc.  Not something that the average person really needs to think about. 

We read in the news all about the extreme situations whereby a coach used their position of power to sexually abuse their athletes, or the serial rapist who drugged their victims then took advantage of them.  We as a society see these actions as morally and criminally wrong, and leave it at that.  We don’t think about, or want to think about everything that lead up to these extreme situations.  We don’t want to acknowledge that in our day to day lives there are countless moments where we just go with the flow.  We do not say no, or even yes with authenticity.

How many times in the past 24 hours have you been tasked with something that you did not want to do?  How many times in the last month were you asked to do something that you morally felt uncomfortable with?  Did it even cross your mind to say something?  Or, did you just go with the flow, and choose not to ruffle feathers.  To trust your superior, with blind faith?  I for one, do it all the time, or at least I know I used to.  I relied on a stable income, so I chose to not speak up when I felt uncomfortable with an assigned task.  I chose to just do my job, and that would be the end of it. 

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There is an added element to this, that I would be amyss not bringing up.  I was raised, as female, and to always be the peacemaker.  To try and find common ground, compromise, and above all, do not stand out or be bitchy.  I know, I have written about this before, but, it is necessary to repeat.  If you are raised, as I was, to be calm, level headed, always smiling person that people can count on, you are not in the same breath taught to assert yourself.  You are not taught how to say yes or no.  You are not raised to understand that your voice will be taken seriously, respected, or to have any impact whatsoever.  Your role is to keep things even and balanced.  But speaking up, and saying you are not OK with a situation is just, wrong.  This in short is not your place.

Obviously, this mentality, is part of the reason so many of us struggle with consent.  For my male counterparts, they were not raised to hear the word no.  And I was not raised to say the word no. So therefore, giving this whole consent topic anything more than a passing glance would be a waste of time.  This is a them problem.  This is something that outliers need to deal with.  No rational or normal person would take advantage of a situation or a person beneath them.  Well, if you haven’t figured it out already, that is a complete farce. We all, are faced with choices, on a daily basis, and especially us, easy going Canadians, will not speak our minds. We do not utilize the yes or no in our verbiage unless it is an extreme situation.  We choose not to offend within our families, or stand up for what’s right in our careers. 

Saying yes or no is still taboo, and this needs to change.  My voice matters, and your voice matters.  My ability to assert myself is a fundamental part of who I am.  Your ability to have autonomy over your body and actions are what make you… you!  We must start talking about consent, and how we can start using these words with authenticity, and how we can teach it to the next generation. 

Thank you to everyone who has like, read, shared, and special thanks to those who take the time to comment and engage! And if you want to go one step further, please check out my Patreon!

Sex and My Mental Health

Is the mischief being managed?

No matter how hard I try to pretend that my sex life is not intrinsically linked to my mental health, I cannot.  When I do not orgasm for a few days, my capacity to handle day to day tasks diminishes.  And when I have not been hugged, kissed, cuddled, or am starved for intimacy for any length of time I flounder.  I want to be better than this.  I want to be independent of my dependency on intimacy, but I just cannot do it.  I can be brave and strong for a while, and then, before my eyes, I see my judgement and basic autonomy over my own emotions faulter.  I see my confidence fade and worse, I begin to make negative correlations such as, my life is this way because I must have done something dreadful in a past life, and other such rhetoric.  And to be clear, I don’t even believe in past lives, so this dialogue makes absolutely zero sense.

I will admit, that I don’t enjoy asking for sex or intimacy.  It is one of those things that I take for granted and usually just falls into my lap (this is not a brag, just a pattern I have noticed).  Or I have developed a dynamic with a person who loves being the instigator and we fall into an incredible thing whereby I never quite know when I’m going to get laid (and I love that!).  But this time around, things feel different.  I’m not sure if it is age sneaking up on me, or what, but I just feel like I am looking for connections in all the wrong places.  And that is making me fail even harder.  I mean, I usually love a great challenge, and the thrill of something forbidden. This works well for me, because up until recently, I have always had something to fall back on.  So coming back from the “hunt” empty handed, was never an issue.  I have never felt this starved before. 

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And it is wearing me down.  I have questioned my self worth, my sex appeal, my value, and basically the whole, do I even deserve to be loved?  I can honestly tell you that being non-monogamous (a post about where I have been in the non-monogamous world for too long) does not make any of these feelings easier.  I feel the same loneliness I would if I was in a partnership with just one person.  Just because I am able to see multiple people does not mean that I am free of feeling this void, this emptiness.  And it would be melodramatic to state that it is even harder, because I am doubly or triply lonely.  That I should already have my tribe and never feel this way.  That somehow the whole point of this expansive relationship norm, should prevent this total collapse into my pity party.  But, I am no different from any other lonely person, figuring life out, and trying to get their needs met, both emotionally, and physically.

I just want to love with my whole being, and be loved the same way in return.  And until I can find a rational, and ethical way to get my physical needs met, I am going to struggle mentally.  I need the orgasmic release of endorphins to get me through this next little while.  I cannot fight this battle as it’s just a part of who I am.  I want to be wanted, and I want to continue going after things that make me feel amazing. And in this, there is no conclusion, simply putting out into the void the rock and hard place I find myself in. 

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Being Sexual and Laughing It Off

Being Sexual

Recently, I rejected a guy on POF by stating that we were only looking for couples right now.  If you have heard me say this before, it is my standard rejection, and I state looking for couples right on my profile.  As sometimes happens, he got very upset with being told no, and responded with the length of his penis, followed by a picture of it.  True to form, I reported him, blocked him, and then went on to Twitter to vent my frustration and ask the age old question: Why do men still do this

While I received the usual support, I also received a shocking response.  While I am usually pretty level headed about the garbage I get being sex positive online this one got under my skin and rattled me.  A guy responded with “I can honestly not understand how you can be so humourless, yet pretend to be so sexual. And yes, block away”.  Wait a tick, my sexuality is being called into question because I was angry at receiving a non consent based nude image, also known as sexual harassment?   Did you know that in Texas, and possibly soon to come into law in NYC that sending an unsolicited dick picture on an online dating site is actually now illegal

This isn’t me just being a prude here.  This is such a rampant problem, that people are beyond sick and tired of it, and we are taking legal action by demanding laws to protect us.  I don’t think it’s funny to laugh about an unsolicited dick in my inbox.  This is harassment.  It’s not funny.  Unless the thought process is that men want us to start laughing at their penis’ I just do not follow the logic.  How many more posts, podcasts, blocks, and laws do we need to pass to make it clear that this is not funny.

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I recall my mom being exposed to on a c-train about 20 years ago.  The crazy thing about the whole situation is how many people were around her, and did nothing.  They pretended not to see it.  When the cops arrived, there was only one man who came forward as a witness out of nearly 10 people who should have seen something.  My mom pleaded with the woman who was sitting beside her to come forward, but she refused.  Should we as a society just laugh that off?  Should we just laugh it off when someone is rejected by a complete stranger and they lose their shit and send what may or may not be their fully erect penis?  Is complacency the target here? Or worse, making it a joke? 

And now let’s deal with the fact that this random guy on twitter, took the time to comment on my own sexual nature because I didn’t laugh.  I felt publicly shamed.  My sexuality was openly called into question.  How is that OK?  Why did this guy (twitter) who claims he has never sent a dick pic himself still rationalizing that I am somehow in the wrong for standing up for what I believe in.  I think sending a dick picture should be a criminal act just as exposing yourself in public to a stranger.  I do not think that this stance should be a reflection of my sexuality, or my sex positive stance.  That is an asinine correlation and positively disgusts me.  That`s as dumb as saying I asked for it, because I rejected the guy on the online dating site.  NO!  My sex positive nature will not be on trial here.  No, my sensual boasts hold firm.  I have a right to consent to what level of nudity I see in an online world.  That does NOT diminish my sensual nature.  In fact, I think it increases it, because I know what I want, need, and what turns me on!

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