I often say the words, “I have no choice but to be a writer”. While this sentiment is often a playful one, born out of the randomness that makes up my life, putting together my recent article on Sexism and Harassment in Craft Beer really drove the point home. I anguished for nearly two weeks writing it. I ended up with nearly 7 pages of draft paragraphs and notes. And, I cried, raged, drank, and even had a few nightmares mixed in. Coming face to face with all the sexism and harassment that I have faced over the years was brutal. Writing it down on paper made it real. And I had to make decisions about what I wanted to go public with, and what I was going to one day delete and just pretend never happened. It made me feel raw, vulnerable, and quite alone.
But here’s the thing, as soon as it was published, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was able to let go, and break free of so much anger that had been building up in me. Not only did I put myself out there as a real person, but, I created a plan of action on my Instagram which celebrates beer and boobs in an ethical way. And that is why I write. That is why I went through all the pain, and anguish. To come to a place where I could share my thoughts, and create a clear path for what I want my future to be. Re-claiming my power.
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I have always wanted to normalize conversations and images about sex, and sexiness. I can’t pretend I do not have boobs just so I no longer invite sexism or harassment. That’s not a solution. What I can do is talk about it, take fun and sexy photo’s, put content out into the world that I enjoy, and then talk about it. When a person crosses a line or boundary, we can talk about it, educate, and create a more sex positive environment. Again, this will not happen by turning a blind eye to the problem, or censoring the issues.
This behind the scenes post was going to include all the moments I didn’t feel safe putting out there to strangers about my sexual harassment in my Medium article. But, instead, I was able to delete all the pain, and get really excited about the possibilities that putting myself out there in an authentic way has. This, is why I write. This is why it’s important for me to speak up against sexual harassment, and sexism. It’s not a choice, it’s just who I am. Writing empowers me, and knowing how much relief I have in publishing that article, I think it’s time to get that book finished… don’t you?
If you want to help fuel my writing needs, please consider subscribing to my Patreon. And yes, next month is going to be vinyl, boobs, and beer on IG with NSFW on BreakingAway (Patreon)… enjoy!
When two people spend a lot of time together, for instance,
working together, it is common for a few lines to get blurry. People in close connection to each other
develop a rhythm, a way of speaking, joshing around, and often times a set of
inside jokes that perplex the outsiders.
Human’s make connections, it’s what we do. We bond, and create social order out of
chaos, which if any of you are currently working have had experience with at
least one job that needed a sane shoulder to lean on to get you through your
days. As a result, the bond you create
with this comrade in arms, often grows beyond the friendly co-worker stage and
into this hazy, maybe not quite on the up and up territory.
Now here is the thing about this, if this type of
relationship is mutual, then by all means, you do you and love it. I personally know a great many people with
whom this pair bonding extended far beyond the workplace and into lifelong
friendships, and in a few cases, incredibly strong, full on,
relationships. While many may judge a
sexual relationship developing in the workplace, the reality is, it happens,
and let me tell you first hand, the majority of them work so well that you have
no idea they are even happening.
However, that is not what this post is about. I want to discuss what happens when one party
is not on board with anything happening outside of the workplace, and in fact,
wants to put the brakes on the intensity of the workplace bond.
It took me years to learn how to be my assertive, and defined self. It was not how I was raised, and I fought hard to find the balance between being a bitch, knowing what I want, and finally figuring out to say no, in a way that made me comfortable. If you read my post about The Nice Guy, you already know that this type of dynamic really throws me for a loop. Having an adult man cry because I asserted myself is a feeling that can leave me feeling drained, and horrible. It also makes me question if I am borderline bitchy, which is not a sensation I enjoy. As a result, I have more than once, been in a position where I have to walk this fine line because I have a co-worker who is crossing that line.
In regards to this post, the so called Nice Guy, is showing
the true colours that I knew were going to come out. Since my last post, I have told him no. I have texted him (so he has in writing in
case he forgets) that talking about personal stuff, touching me, or sharing
feelings at work is completely out of question and I do not want any part of
it. And yet, he reverts back to the same
behaviour after only a few days of “trying” not to be that creepy, touchy,
feely dude.
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How do you explain to a boss, that someone just makes you
uncomfortable? How do you get through to
an individual who has a lifetime of feeding off the negative feedback loop of
rejection, poor me, and ultimately tears?
How do I ensure that I am worth keeping at the job, and not just one of
those troublemakers who is complaining about feelings, rather than tangible
violations of policy or procedure? Why
am I writing this post? Because it is
something that I have faced at every single job I have ever had, even when
working with an all female staff (Yup, this is not a gender specific problem,
but for the sake of clarity in this post I have written it that way). It is something that countless women have
faced in their workplaces. It is a
question that we all ask, and more often than not, choose to keep our feelings
to ourselves, and try to find ways to work around the uncomfortable situation. In short, we enable the problem. We do not call the individuals to task, and
we get creative in how to avoid the person, overcome our emotional discomfort,
or worse, our denial hacks away at our self worth because if there is no
evidence maybe it is all about perception and just in our heads.
Men, if you are reading this, and you feel like a female
co-worker is avoiding you, I want you to pause a minute. Or if you have notice a co-worker that you
used to feel close to has changed the dynamic and frequency of being near you,
breath, and reflect. Could it be
possible that you have made them uncomfortable?
Have you perhaps over stepped your boundaries? Have you at some point made a personal
question there financial security at work?
By that, I mean, are you aware of processes and procedures that a
personal can comfortably use if they felt that something was making them
uncomfortable? If you were ever called
into HR, how would you react? Would you
be in shock? Defensive? Would you lash out, and destroy that person’s
career? For you see, that is what I have
feared in the past. Losing my livelihood
over something without tangible proof.
Something that made me not want to even go into work, and yet, I
couldn’t prove happened. Could it be
merely a misunderstanding? Did that
invite for drinks, or brush of my butt, or lingering look that just squicked me
out be all in my head? Was it all
accidental?
If I say no, to anything sexual happening in the workplace, or even discussing my personal life while on the clock, I want that to be the end of it. Graciously accept my assertiveness and NEVER cross the line again. Don’t plot, how to get me alone, or plan ways for us to hang out after work. Just be a co-worker, who respects your job, and much as you respect your fellow employees. If you have a cutie in the workplace, just appreciate that you have a little eye candy on the job, and move on. Do not obsess over the fact, because I guarantee that the person on the other end can tell! As someone who frequently crushes over co-workers, I assure you, it can be done in a healthy, sex positive way, that does NOT turn you into a creep.
Want to cheers this post? Why not consider buying me a beer through my Patreon and fueling my writing for another week? There are a few tiers to choose from and fit your budget, and the rewards you want to see 🙂
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