Tag: writing challenge

Week 20 & 21: Give and Take, and Freedom

    K Ghislaine

With a little hiatus from writing due to navigating all that life is throwing my way, I resume my writer’s challenge with a “just do it” attitude. Normally, I read the challenges and ponder for a bit. Today, I have read them and what you are reading is my natural flow of consciousness, for better or for worse. Oddly, that is in tune with the second part of the writing prompt called Freedom, brought forward by George Elliot. She writes about changing your form, your voice, and most importantly, letting the words take on “any form”.

While she really is focusing on diversity of voices in a more fictionalized setting, I am utilizing this more free-form style to remind myself that my blog is my own stream of consciousness, and it is only me who forces this mandate of importance. I am the one that sets my guidelines. And well, sometimes it’s better to just simply write, let it all, than to adhere to my arbitrary rules. Enter in Jean Rhys and this idea of “feeding the lake”. An admittedly overwhelming idea, being that her intent is that no matter how great or small your contribution, any and all forms of writing are feeding the lake. And that no matter what, this is what, we as writers should do.

This notion scares me, rather than motivates. But here I am, feeding into this idea, just doing it, although I feel drained and empty. But I recognize that these are things I have done to myself. I have allowed things to creep in, and give me excuses not to just write.

For anyone who has been a long time reader, you’ll notice that I used to write to sort out problems, of the primarily non-monogamous variety. I wrote mini-essays whereby I would have a question and then I would sort it out within a few paragraphs. Sometimes, I would share sexy stories or situations too, as a way of free-form writing or blogging diary type words. Why is this part of my current stream of consciousness that I am including in this? Because, my life is so vastly different from where this blog started. My daily adventures aren’t forced situations that I have to wrack my brain around to forge a path. My problems solving is different now. My writing need, is one of acceptance and healing, rather than an “in the moment” must deal with urgency.

That’s not to say that life has slowed down, but the pressure to make a relationship work no matter what is gone. And in that, the need to write things down as quickly as possible is also gone. That leaves me feeling almost lazy in my creative endeavours. My sense of urgency doesn’t exist in the way it did a decade ago. Huh!?! Now that is a realization I did not see coming.

As I sit here, wondering what I am going to do with that little revelation, I want to express my sincere thank you to anyone who has shared this journey. And for those, missing the old sexy content, well there is always my Patreon. And… I have have just received a new toy in the mail (affiliate link of my new arrival)!!! So, a little something something once I test it all out will be coming soon. No matter how far away I sometimes feel from my past, the universe reminds that I am who I am, and I am grateful that it welcomes me back whenever I lose my way.

Week 18 & 19: Curiosity and Power

    K Ghislaine

The past few weeks have felt more turbulent than usual. While I always find myself in situations of high stress, I feel especially helpless as springtime is not re-charging me like in years past. As I worked to achieve the challenge of writing dialogue with curiosity prompted by Ann Patchett, I couldn’t focus. Try as I might, even with an extra week I couldn’t achieve something so simple, which disappoints me, as writing dialogue is a major opportunity area for me. But, my heart simply isn’t in it. I want my ability to write about other to improve, and gain depth, but no matter what I do right now, I cannot keep my mind still enough to expand a thought.

And then, I read the prompt on writing with power and almost broke down. What is my target audience? What do I hope that people will feel, think, or the ever elusive response to words that I have put out into the world? What is the aim, purpose, direction? What if my words one day did have impact on someone else, what then? Words have power, and have I been responsible with that? I have utilized my voice to build love, acceptance, and compassion? Have I done harm?

Of course I have done harm. I have judged, criticized and belittled people in my past. I have done harm, and hurt people, often without even realizing it. That’s not an excuse, but rather I know sometimes a passionate rant can seem insensitive. But in a world where we have words like snowflake, it’s nearly impossible not to offend at least one person. And that makes me sad.

I lived many years in someones shadow. Actually it was 2 people’s shadows at the same time. I spent years being criticized, and told that I simply wasn’t good enough. I walked on eggshells, striving to be perfect, and barring all that, just being someone who could be whatever they needed me to be. This worked for years, until one inevitable day, the man I was in “lust” with and my stepfather went to battle. It was over the control of me, but of course I didn’t know that. I had disillusioned myself to believe I was strong and independent. And that no one controlled me, but me. However, that was not the case.

It turned out that I had become a shell of myself. Stretching myself too thin, in order to please those domineering men around me, I collapsed both emotionally and physically. Why do I share this? Maybe it’s the start of the next bout of me being brave, and putting the pain into words. Maybe that is the next chapter in making my words powerful again, instead of letting myself be swallowed up in remorse and regret. And maybe, I’ll go back to the prompt about dialogue writing and curiosity and better be able to share what they were meant to bring out in my words.

My mind goes back to being a blurry mess of emotions, brought about by the truth that the real and genuine father figure in my life may in fact be mortal. A fact I have fought, and continue to fight. With power comes responsibility, and I hope my curiosity keeps me in check. That last line is for me, and for me alone.

Thank you all for allowing me the space to share and sort out this mess that’s in my head. And to those that follow on Patreon, well, you know how much I appreciate your support!

Week 16 & 17: Rhythm and Objects

    K Ghislaine

As I aim to get back on track with my self writing challenge, I’ve noticed just how much I have pushed myself this past little while. If you’ve read my blog over the past year, you know I have been trying to get pregnant, and so far, there have been very few signs of success or even in doing anything right. I think that there must be a lesson hidden somewhere, probably plain as day to an outsider, but currently still fuzzy to me. The challenge to use rhythm and the focus of objects to write, becomes an interesting task.

Over the past few months, maybe even a year if I look back into my journal, I have really tried to visualize myself as a mother, and in doing so, I have shifted my belief system into one where this is the most important target. With that comes stress, and a sense of deep failure for being unable to produce. To the point of writing with rhythm and poetry though is that normally when I feel those really big feelings, I switch to writing poetry. That alone, that rhythmic voice seems somehow better equipped to bring out my inner most thoughts, maybe even in a gentler way, which is why it works. Words pour out of me, with an almost melodic flow, that feel trance-like. And the tears are then able to flow even faster.

I was shocked to look back upon my book of poetry and discover that I have yet to write anything poetic about my struggles. And I don’t fully understand why. So then, to dig deeper, and incorporate week 17, there is this idea of writing with an object, or a specific focus, that paints things in such a descriptive way that the reader can almost hold it in their hands. And to that end I recently shared with my grandfather just such a piece of writing. It was a piece I wrote years ago, forged from a childhood memory of his old GMC truck. The power of letting him read this nostalgia was, well, powerful. And I wonder, to myself, if I need to incorporate some sort of object, or give focus to my current barren situation so I am better versed at exploring this point in my life. And suddenly, I am uncomfortable.

Have I been keeping myself so busy in an effort to avoid digging? Or, have I simply exhausted how deep I can go within myself, and finally need to just relax and let my cards play out. Obviously, for me it’s the latter, but I say obvious with a sense of irony. It should have been clear, and yet, I have told myself for so long that digging as deep as I can is what produces the best work. And well, it turns out I need a break from striving to be the best I can. Perhaps, just maybe, I’m Ok as I am. Maybe it’s time to just enjoy where I am at, to take a moment to just sit and read in the sunshine, without purpose or intent. While the tools for writing in these last two challenges are fabulous, I think, I might just crack a beer (see what that looks like on my Patreon), and keep them in mind for a project a little later down the road…

Week 11 & 12: Expectations and Words

    K Ghislaine

Well, it didn’t take long for me to miss another week of writing and then, I read my prompts and went, well F%$#. Honestly everything just feels too much right now, and that includes trying to merge these two challenges together, but, I am going to try anyways with expectations and words. Marilynne Robinson speaks to a subject matter that I have poured many words into over the years, with expectations. For you see, my subject matter has long forced me to face this challenge head on, in that, I cannot write what I think the reader wants no matter how many times I convince myself I should. And whenever I do, I watch my engagement drop, sometimes with scary volume. As a writer, no sound haunts like… crickets! And while terrifying, I have learned to be vulnerable, real, and raw (yeah I say that a lot these day) because authentic words are more impactful than trying to gauge what the reader wants. And selfishly I get more out of being truthful and authentic than I ever do when I have tried tailoring my words to reach someone.

Now speaking of words, here is my lame attempt to Segway into another challenge which is in regards to finding new words. As a young reader I took this challenge seriously. I loved reading from a variety of genres and periods of time, revelling in both old English, poetry, and modern words alike. I remember the excitement of reciting speech that made me feel regal, or out of time. Yes, I was an odd duck, but hey, who isn’t? Right?!? As I read that prompt, I grew nostalgic, with the lost magic of learning new words. But, I think this is also due in part to the lament of getting older. As my brain experiences both age, and stress, my capacity to learn new things and retain them is diminishing. As a trade off, my voice and brand are growing stronger, and more sure, but, realizing I am no longer writing with youthful nuance is difficult to accept at times.

I have not read a book with a dictionary in hand in what feels like decades. Perhaps since I first read Robert Greene’s 48 Laws of Power? Ooph, that was in my early 20s’. Maybe it’s time to challenge this brain and see what words I can learn, in tandem with trying to please my Duolingo Owl, because why not do everything at once?

For my loyal readers, I do apologize that this piece was more sterile than usual, and less random stories, but I am dealing with a family emergency and quite frankly, my energy is at an all time low. So please accept these photos, and those on my Patreon as a token of my ongoing appreciation for all of you rather than just my words.

Week 7 & 8: Editing and Music

    K Ghislaine

Well, last week I gave myself my first pass, for writing consistency, or clearly lack there of. It is not something I am very generous about doing for me, but hey it was Valentine’s and a long weekend so… it happened and I only beat myself up a little bit with guilt. To get back on track let me merge two writing challenges together that actually hit home and work together, editing and music.

For anyone who doesn’t know, I have written a book, and am currently in agent finding purgatory. But in order to write this book, I did exactly what Zadie Smith suggested, even though I had zero intention of doing that. With a focus on editing she recommended taking a piece that you hadn’t looked at for a time, and re-reading it with the eyes of reader, rather than a writer, and ooph did that ever hit home. When I had left my project, and my past relationship, I picked it back up with fierce determination to get the story right, so I could in essence let go of the baggage. Because I was simply to close to the project, I decided to read it out loud. That was eye opening, and not in a good way.

When I became the reader, I realized to my horror, that the story was flat, and wrong. Something I would have not picked up on had I not stepped away from it. And thus, I had to re-write it, almost in it’s entirety. As I was doing this, I altered my playlist. Yes, this is my nice way of merging these two writing prompts into one piece. Amy Tam spoke to the idea of utilizing music to maintain a mood, basically keeping a song on repeat until that section or tone is correct. And hot damn, if that didn’t resonate with me. In order to get myself back into the writing zone, I would find a song that brought up those particular feels, and would listen to it on repeat. Once I was effectively transported back, I would turn on classical piano and just start pouring my soul out. It was a tactic I stumbled upon and I am so grateful to these prompts for bringing this to the forefront of my brain, so I can now put into words and hopefully future motion things that will ensure my words remain real and raw. Story time:

While this is a painful memory to share I’m going to anyways; the song that I went to in order to finish my book, was Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo. I won’t summarize it, other to say, that the slow sombre beginning brought me down to a place that I could be reflective. As it gets bolder I would get angry, and then feel guilt for being so gullible. These are emotions that are very difficult to keep in motion at the same time, and yet, I needed to be there, in order to remain authentic in my voice. I am not saying by any stretch that I was successful. But, that is technique I used, and one that now that I have read this writing prompt will use again in future to get things right. Find a song, listen to it on repeat to get into that zone, mood, whatever you want to call, and let the words pour out. I just hope that by doing that first, the words I read out loud to edit will be less horrible that they were in that long forgotten first draft…!

Thank you all for coming on this journey with me. And thank you all for the shared stories, words of encouragement, and of course my Patreon subscribers. Stay tuned for next week.