My last blog touched upon how fortunate I felt growing up in an environment where sex and sexuality was not a taboo. Questions could always be asked and more importantly were answered in a concise and direct manor. Sex was not a word that was feared, and I knew when I was ready to become sexually active that I would be safe and responsible in whatever I decided to partake in. But then something happened. Something I cannot quite explain or outline where it came from other than fear of being too sexually open if that makes any sense.
I also wrote about my sexuality during those confusing teenage years, Teenage Sexuality, but I think there may be more to it. I was honestly afraid of the stigma of being a slut. So terrified in fact that I did the only I could think of when my hormones started running amuck in my life, I created something to be fearful of. I tricked my brain into being so incredibly terrified of germs and STI’s that it would be impossible for me to slut it up so to speak. I forced myself to be choosy, and I was so successful in that endeavor that in losing my virginity I stayed with the same man for over 8 years. I know this may sound repetitive to my regular readers but there is an element that I am working to realize now. The fact is, I am no longer fearful of my sexuality or of enjoying sex. I am not fearful of living my life in such a manner that my main goal is to avoid being known as a slut.
I think this fear of being slutty in nature also played a large role in how I viewed relationships too. I am sure many of you have heard something similar to the statement that a girl being a fun party girl cannot be the same girl that a man takes home to meet his mother. I continuously fall into this painful trap that society has created. I am fun and outgoing, but then something clicks and I think that this part needs to turn off so that I can be the girl that can be taken to meet the family. I have taken for granted that my playful dating nature will be enough of a memory to sustain itself in a long term dating scenario. I honestly will say that although I have not had a relationship yet where the sex life went away or even diminished, I can see why some may. How can a man think of having a family and children with a woman who has just given him a blow job, and then proceeds to help his mother with dinner? There is something almost impermissible on the grand scale of things from this behaviour. Or is that exactly the type of woman who a man wants long term. A female to keep him guessing and be sex positive, children or not? Has the stigma of a good man not being able to marry a sexually compatible and adventurous female a myth created by society to keep woman in line? Is this stigma part of the reason why thousands upon thousands of men and women alike end up cheating on their partners?
It is a tough pill to swallow, being that woman must play an almost goddess type role. That fantasy of the bedroom and the saint outside of it can be a lot of pressure. When you mix in that fearful slut shaming that goes on and prevents everyday woman from sharing their stories of sexual triumph and conquest, well, it’s just one cycle that I am breaking for myself one day at a time. I most likely will not share my sexual adventures in any great detail. But I will share how being more sexually free and positive will hypothetically improve my relationships with those around me. Maybe society is right and I will end up alone or that Blanche Dubois character who is always on the prowl and never settles down, but I rather doubt it. I will settle down in my own little way, seeking adventure whenever I want it. I have felt incredibly alive and happy these past few months, there is a formula in this that I am slowly discovering for myself and I think sexual freedom has a pretty significant role in all of this.