There seems to be a constant pendulum of emotions whereby when I reach an amazing peak it is shortly followed by a severe low. I felt that low yesterday, and I can honestly say just how blessed I am to have the ladies and gents in my life that I do. When I was a young child I got into my head the idea that whenever something good would happen, something horrible was soon to follow. I have always been intrigued by patterns and numbers and this balancing act that I conclude happens in my life has actually dictated a few of my life choices. For example, I very often level out my excitement so as not to be accidentally disappointed.
But here is what I experienced yesterday which was almost so simple and easy that I wish I had known this sooner. I was incredibly bummed when I got home, and after trying for an hour or so to cheer myself up I picked up the phone and called my best friend. Instead of trying to put on a brave face, I told her about the issues that I could not seem to deal with on my own and listened to her advice and outside perspective. I had a good cry on the phone (yes I actually cried to her which is becoming less and less scary to admit) and came to a conclusion on how to approach my issues. I made a resolve and then had the opportunity to reciprocate this cycle with her. This morning when I woke up, that fear that I have in something bad about to happen was replaced with a calm resolve to continue the plans made last night.
I am excited that in writing this blog, not only has there been an increase in my capacity to write down and sort out the troublesome events in my life, but it is helping me articulate my thoughts and feelings in a much quicker capacity as well. When I have issues in my life I often resort to the typical shut down mode of dealing with it. I leave the room or go silent as I ponder what the issue really is. The result is a downward spiral where I don`t trust the initial statements to come out of my mouth, so I take more time to think through my thoughts which leads me to be almost insecure as I question whether to even bring back up the issue down the road. So many therapists have suggested similar things to help motivate clear and concise discussions that bear any importance. Well I have come to the conclusion that my coconut should be able to determine the issues faster than that. Because by contemplating if those issues are worth mentioning or not it undermines my ability to choose worthy battles and that slowly consumes me. As almost always I force them to just disappear without ever dealing with them. I am slowly gaining the confidence to not fear my initial thoughts.
It took talking with my girlfriends to figure this all out, and I am glad I have. Why should I feel like I need to apologize for every word that comes out of my mouth or thought that I have? Perhaps this seems strange to read as I know I come across as a confident writer, but this took work. And learning how to deal with confrontation on an immediate basis is going to take work for me too. I always thought that walking away, calming the situation, then addressing it later was the best answer. I find myself yearning to be brave enough to just deal with the possible pain or argument right there and then. To get it over with, without the over analyzing. I have been so concerned with avoiding the lows that I have forgotten that there may be some highs that result from just dealing with things. I have been conditioned to consider the feelings of everyone around me, but here’s to learning to take into consideration how events affect me. This will be a relationship game changer, both with family, friends and men, but honestly when things are not working it is time to admit a change is needed. Again I am fortunate that the people in my life will be supportive of seeing change in me, just as I always will be of them.