Today though was a reminder that self confidence must come from within and must be real, not faked. I was reminded of this after an uncomfortable conversation with a family member. I will not go into any detail, other than to say I was hung up on for the simple reason that I am perceived to be who I was, and not who I am striving to be. I find it baffling that certain members of my family would prefer that I wallow in self pity. That I should be terrified and insecure about things not yet falling into place and be scared of uncertainty. Yet every book I read, and every conversation I have with confident amazing people tells me otherwise. I will not dwell on what is missing from the equation. Rather I am focusing on bettering myself, making the most of where I am at right now and will not spend a moment entertaining those who want to hear a sob story.
In a recent post, I wrote one of my more vulnerable pieces, which led me to read a book called “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty”, by Mark Manson. As an unforeseen coincidence when reading this book, I burst into tears while reading about confidence. This book was recommended to me with the intention that it would help my blog, and the subtle hint was that it may help me as well. A passage in it hit home, and hit really hard, whereby a couple is trying a quick fix to save their relationship with a romantic vacation. This was a failure and they broke up when they returned home because the problem was not romance, it was that one of the partners was without confidence. I can honestly say, I have never just started sobbing like this when reading a non –fiction book before. I was linked to this couple instantly, and I am sure many of my readers can relate as well. You know something is missing, and desperately want to find that quick fix, that romantic glue to make everything go back to the way it was in the honeymoon phase. And yet, what had changed was the confidence level of one of the people in the relationship. The relationship was not the thing that needed fixing, it was much more personal, and much harder to see at first glance.
It was absolutely liberating for me to start posting my blog with pictures. I feel amazing and proud for doing so. I am trying really hard to not think about the wasted time that has been spent lost in what can only be a spiral of identity loss. The thing I need to focus on, is not that I have never had confidence. More that when I have it, I feel amazing, strong and proud as I do in the pictures I am starting to share.
I cried when I read how devastating losing ones confidence can be to a relationship and more to ones self identity. Those tears lasted mere moments, and I dragged my ass out of bed and did something productive. I have no time to self pity. My actions must speak louder than any words, or posts that I write. Confidence is not fleeting, it is identity and the thing that draws people to you. That power that attracts, and allows things to move forward with success, despite all hiccups or imperfections.