Sometimes I forget that the content I write about is not for everyone. That the views I have, and how I live my life illicit reactions from people that are less than desirable. Writing this blog is freedom of expression, but also allows me to build a protective bubble of tolerance. What I mean by that, is I see my stats grow week by week, regular and new readers alike and it becomes easier to say that what I am doing is starting to become accepted. That perhaps I am somehow making a difference or at the very least breaking down a few walls of the unknown.
And then I say something to a friend about being open, or make some reference to dating while being in a relationship and I am slapped in the face with reality. I see the discomfort on the persons face who has known me for years. I see the uncomfortable stirring in the seat. And worse than that, I see a form of pain cross their eyes as they internalize what I have said, and they intuitively put themselves in my shoes and are scared.
I write this blog for me. But there is a massive downside to it. I do not ever get to see a persons reaction when they read a post I wrote for the first time. I miss out on the initial gut impact that a few of my more poignant posts have given. I watch page views rise quickly with my internal musings and slower with my more controversial subjects. Yet over time, the controversial ones remain stronger and get more repeat views. I honestly do not know why.
I remember as a young teenager playing the Penis Game. The rules are, someone in a public place quietly says `penis`. Then the person beside repeats the word, but a little louder. This continues until you are basically screaming the word PENIS. The game ends when you cannot stop laughing or you have been asked to shut up by the poor innocent passerby’s. I used to hate playing that game. I would watch parents give dirty looks, professional`s glare with that hint of humiliation, and some senior just look onwards with a deep knowing almost reminiscent face. It was the reactions that stuck with me. That variance of emotions that at the time made me want to sink as low as possible and disappear.
I felt that talking with this friend about being in an open relationship. We are so close, that she could not remove herself from the situation. I saw firsthand a gut reaction. I don`t think I would have been able to write for so long had there been a medium available that would have show the looks on peoples faces as they read each word I typed. I am much happier in the world of tolerance I have created for myself within this blog. I love the freedom and release I get each time I press publish. Not being able to see your faces allows me to keep this organic and about what I really think, and feel without censoring myself or curbing my views to appeal to masses. It is a double edged sword I realize, but with great value in the long run for me.