I adore blogging. I love the freedom of expression that comes as a result and how I am able to deal and let go with things through the written word. Lately though this freedom has really come into question for me. A couple of things arose around a similar time frame and I find myself sitting on 4 or 5 nearly finished posts and yet, the result is that I am unable to press the publish button.
Firstly, my blog’s host site reviewed their nudity policy. This had me reeling in defiance, and resulted in me angrily saying that no one will censor me. I have been researching and studying various ways to gain more control over what and how I post. Quite soon I hope I will have an announcement over the final destination of my blog, but for the time being, it was just a hindrance to my posting. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to continue to blog in the same way, or on the same forum.
The next issue that arose was one of readership. I have acquired a few new faces in my inner circle. As a result of me being open and honest, they are aware of my blog. Up until this point I have always written with myself in mind, and said screw it to anyone who reads. These are my thoughts and feelings and although they may be emotional to some readers, my opinion is what fuels my writing. And I lament that I lost sight of that. I did not want to write anything that could potentially hurt the relationships that E and I are trying to form. This unfortunately has led me to bottle a few things up that I have not been used to closing the door to. I had a really rough day yesterday trying to deal with my emotions on my own, and suddenly I realized, that is the very reason I started blogging. I was learning how to be in an open relationship and deal with all my emotions. I realized yesterday just how badly I needed my outlet to put my thoughts and feelings down so I could organize them. To write without fear of the reactions of others.
My blog centers me, and helps me sort through emotions, especially those that are new to me. I need that in my life. And I need to do that free of censorship from any front or angle. I won’t make a blanket apology, even though I am tempted and feel that it would be appropriate. I don’t want to be absolved of the reactions or feelings that may arise in reading about the life that I love so much. I do make mistakes. And I need to make them. I need to say what I feel even if that may offend or cause an unexpected reaction, because that’s how I am going to learn. That is how I am going to grow, and be mature enough to enjoy the life that I have worked so damn hard to get to. I feel freer after writing this post, and the strength to post what’s waiting is growing. Phew… it was a very tough few weeks.