Once upon a time, I was with a man who was so polarizing that by comparison I was kind and sweet. When I ended things with him, I found that who I had become really stood out. I was not comfortable being that strong minded without someone to have my back. I felt isolated, and as a result of having that strong personality alone I consciously re-evaluated who I portrayed myself to be. I changed a lot about myself. I focused on taking a step back, not reacting immediately and using the excuse of just `sleeping on` every major decision I made, to slow down the rash judgementsI had found myself making.
Now I find myself in yet another transitional period. I am hearing far too often that I am really hard to read. I don’t like that. There is something alluring about being mysterious, but that is not the term being used. I went from being polarizing, to always ending up in the middle. An ambiguous middle ground where I can flip flop and please anyone at anytime. The reality is I am just not standing up for my thoughts and feelings.
I know that I have come along way, and have appropriately re-calibrated my judgement from when I was an impulsive 20 something girl. And yet, standing out on that ledge, just doesn’t seem second nature anymore. I somehow, ended up, losing trust in myself. Losing faith in my own core instincts. I can’t promise that I will just get it back. But with some hard work, and some leaps of faith I should be able to get back to that zone where I become fearless again. Back to a place where I have complete assurance that my opinion matters even if people get pissed off.
When I became single many years ago, I found myself alone. Very few family members and only a handful of amazing friends. I figured I had done something wrong to end up that way. So I set about pussy whipping my polarizing tendencies and amassed a much broader circle of friends. However the weird thing is, I now find myself almost alone again. Yes, that is super hard to write. The friends I have now are almost the same as who I had in my life before. They have stuck with me through all my changes, and growth. If they are going to leave me now, when I reacquaint myself with my opinions and my voice, there is nothing I can do to keep them in my life. Nor will I.
I have been through an annoying breakup recently and the people that matter, E namely and a few amazing friends who I doubt want to be named, stuck by me. I trust myself. I can do what I set my mind to. And fuck the people who just don’t get me, or who won’t put the effort into getting to know the person I put before them. I am more than just my body, I have a sharp sense of humor and well educated opinions. Time to own who I am, because damn, I am amazing!