I write with a very specific blogging voice in my head that allows me to take a step back and observe a situation and write objectively. I think 2016 may take a different direction as a few things in the last year really stand out for me and I do not like them. I feel a false sense of control over my life, namely over my actions. I have friends with whom I need to take the rose coloured glasses off for. And writing that brings me to the startling realization that I need to take the rose coloured glasses off when I look at myself and my actions.
I fight a fear off and on, that I will become my mother. I push these thoughts and feelings aside and say to myself that I am stronger than that fear, and that I do not possess the mental demons that she does. So I fight fear with avoidance and surrounding myself with situations that are relatively easy to control. My closest friends don`t challenge me. And I don`t challenge them. This creates a stark contrast to my home life, where I am constantly challenged to be the best I can by E. And also contrasts to my work environment where I have worked my ass off in the last 2 years to get to my current position. The frustration now lies in the fact that I need to bring a level of symmetry to these three facets of my life.
I took some fairly strong risks in dealing with the men of my machine shop, and for the most part, when I was confident and sure of myself, things have worked out according to my plan. I am beginning to remember this and bring this mentality home with me, but it is a slow process. I have grown used to telling stories to E of my battles and needing his help and insight to solve them. Now I need to start bringing home the stories of my conquests and amazing feats of customer service brilliance and managerial triumphs. But I think it is easier to talk about the negative than it is to brag about the positives. Why? Quite simply the feedback loop is certain with negative. It is uncertain with boasts and confidence when you do not have practice. It is a fear that amplifies when I let the thought creep in that I am being a bitch or aggressive. Pride has less reward for me than the fear of the consequences associated with displaying horrible traits.
But here is the honest truth. I don’t want to hide in fear. I want to be better than that. I want to have my shit together when I finally decide it is time to have children. I want to have my shit together so I can enjoy the thoughts and feelings that I have and enjoy them for myself and my partner. When E and I drove home from California a thought was presented to me. That I do not have control over my own assertiveness. I am not comfortable toting that line between bitch and control of myself. So I play an avoidance game, where passivity rules. I rationalize that I ruffle enough feathers at work, so at home and in my personal life, I just want peacefulness. Well, the reality is, that it is never going to happen. And I need to actually see this, accept it, and become good and enjoy dealing with owning myself and trusting my reactions.
Is this something that children with sibling practice together? Pushing boundaries, and testing surroundings? I know as an only child, I honed my skills at reading a room, reading lips and body language and being able to understand those around me. However, I did not test or push myself or test my limits with anyone else. My circle of friends was always so tiny and my family so tight that it didn’t enter my mind to push buttons. I figured I would get farther by always following the rules. As I write, the voice in my head doesn’t seem to have delay. I am taking control over the earnest desire to be a balanced voice of reason, and just be me. I have nothing to prove or anyone to impress. All I’m doing is forgetting fear for a while and trusting that my assertive nature will bring clarity to my emotions, and someday become natural.