I suppose after all this time writing a Sex and Open Relationship blog, I should touch on the subject of fantasies, after all, it is one of the few things that makes sense to people looking into non-monogamy. The ability to actually live out a few of your fantasies or sexual desires within the ethics of your relationship is an amazing benefit. When I had my first MFM, I could not stop blushing about it for weeks, maybe even months. The ability to have such a hot experience with my partner, and be able to share the delightful aftershocks together is just an enormous turn on. Even now, years later, I am blushing just writing about it. But as I wrote before, talking about fantasies is surprisingly more difficult for me being open, than it was in monogamy. Full disclosure, my aim in sharing the reasons why in more detail, are primarily selfish. By writing about it, I want to explore why I still feel reluctance to share my fantasies with my partner. By doing so, I want to fully understand my hesitation, become more confident, and leave behind my hangups behind me. This tactic is why I started blogging in the first place and it has made a very positive impact on my emotional awareness and self improvement. So here in no particular order are a few areas that I have been brainstorming over the past little while that may attribute to my lack of fantasy expression.
In my mind, I play out sexual fantasies all the time. However, I have trouble articulating them to my partner due to the incredibly high level of involvement of the scene setting. I plan the emotion, the meeting, the people involved and then the seduction (for an example), or the chance sexual tryst that occurs. These sexy scenarios work for me, because of the emotional involvement I invest in the set up. The creative juices get flowing as freely as my sexual imagination. Maybe one day I will write out a few of them and test the waters with some fiction writing, but for now they are stuck in my head and they just give me great pleasure. But as a result of the planning, I find it really difficult to tell the tale out loud with a partner. So up until this point they have remained my internal porn channel, for my mind only and I haven’t been asked to share unless E is on vacation.
With that being said, now that we are heavily invested in exploring couples and the lifestyle, the subject of fantasies is starting to come up with a little more frequency. For example, a simple, what would you like to happen on the weekend with this new couple? And it should be a sexy and straightforward reply on my part, and yet I struggle with an answer. If I had ever come away from a sexual encounter with my partner and thought the words, “aw, I really wish such and such had happened, that would have made the experience so much hotter”, then maybe I would be better equipped to answer. But the fact remains, I love sex with my partner, and I love the sexual adventures we go on. I am not a lady who pines for something to happen. Rather, an idea pops in my head and I either make it happen or I don’t. I wanted to explore couples and lots of hands, and that is exactly what we are doing. I walk away fully satisfied so I don’t always think to ask for more. I get off pleasing other people, and knowing that they are pleasing me. I just don’t struggle with having any needs met, so there is not a whole lot of necessity for a huge wants list. Again, I am just working through all my thoughts on the subject and why I don’t express my fantasies.
Another point that I feel I should mention is that I have hated being let down by myself and others for so long that I rarely set myself up to fail. I have pretty much removed failure from my life. Every experience is a learning one, a building block, a new memory or hot adventure. Nothing is a waste or a loss anymore. I have had far to much of that in my young life, and have completely re-framed that side of my brain. So having the confidence that I will thoroughly enjoy my new experience takes away a little bit of the need to set fantasy goals or expectations. Does that make any sense? I guess what am saying is I enjoy the moment, and if I put too much expectation on someone else fulfilling a fantasy my focus might shift from thoroughly enjoying the experience to one that could open me up to disappointment? But I suppose that is part of the charm of dating couples and not just swinging, if something doesn’t happen the first time, it is not like it will be the one and only.
And the final point that I think I need to reiterate from the linked post is that being in an open relationship, I sometimes feel like the safety blanket is gone. In monogamy, I could freely express fantasies because there was almost no chance of them coming true, unless we role -played or got really inventive, either way, there was a bubble of what we could experience so you could fantasize about anything and knew that you could only achieve things within your two person self. In my relationship norm, I know I can ask for the moon, and sometimes I can actually get it. But I’m not always sure that I will want it. Sometimes fantasies are just that, and I like them that way. Locked away, safe, warm, and that pleasant smile they bring from time to time.
But are these reasons valid that hold me back? That keep my mouth shut, and trapped inside my head? Maybe, it’s time to start actually exploring the fantasies, get a little brave, and who knows I might love exploring them. I haven’t been disappointed yet in my adventures… Well there you have it, I feel more confident already and have written and sent a sexy little tease of an e-mail to my partner. The beginnings of learning to better express myself and accepting that fantasies do not have to be big and scary.
Sounds like you have been thinking about something in particular.. Excited to hear the details
Maybe if I get brave enough I might share… Baby steps!
This was really interesting.
For me… and I think this may be true of a lot of people- but I’ve always found it much easier to write about my fantasies- not just in stories, but just about them? But talking about them in person, much less easy.
Unsurprisingly, a lot of my stories- both before, when I .. wrote bad stuff, and now- especially now, when I’m much more interested in dialogue and conversation. I’m very interested in depicting the intimacy.. and the “I’ve been wanting to talk about this for months/etc but.. ” “just tell me dammit”
I even use Gilbert & Sullivan-esque devices to almost force my characters to share their fantasies. One is a google doc, where they write down their fantasies when they have them, and then exchange at the end of the month/week. But the one I really like is the “fantasies on paper in a bowl” which they can add to at their leisure, and when they get a chance, they pull one or two, and if both are okay with it, figure out how to do it.
I am getting better at writing them down. I like the idea of the bowl, and it would certainly make it easier to have a conversation, and plan some sexy adventures!