A Casual Swing Club Encounter: My Internal Plight

Sigh, that coveted casual swing club encounter.  That hot steamy night that you fantasize would just spontaneously occur.  You stack the deck in your favour of course.  Slow hot bath, sipping wine as you scrub yourself squeaky clean and do all the necessary personal grooming.  Then you dress to the nines with your partner, or in our case, pick the most elaborate costume you can.  You arrive at a packed swing club with that pre-screened and amazing looking guest list, tonight is going to be hot.  You pour yourselves a drink and begin the mingling and flirting dance.  And then you find a couple.  The small talk begins and you find some common ground.  Let’s go somewhere quieter they say.  You laugh, stroke your partners thigh and discover that it is smiles all around.  This night is going perfectly.  That fantasy is looking very promising.

And then, you remember, your rules, and you are snapped back into reality.  No full swapping the first time you meet.  Why?  Quite simply it’s a little matter of safety and sexual compatibility.  As hot as that anonymous first time swap would be, for you it will remain nothing more than a fantasy.  When it comes to sexual health and safety we never compromise.

At a club, in the heat of the moment, it can be difficult to have a clear and completely honest conversation about disclosure.  I don’t subscribe to the idea that everyone lies, however, in a sexually charged environment, there can be a tendency by some parties to say whatever they can to sway the cards in their sexual favor.  And even if every one is telling the truth, it is an often loud environment.  It is easy to not be heard, or clearly understand what someone has said.  So, we err on the side of caution.  Touching, soft swap, all good things.  But no kissing or fluid exchange with strangers, period.

For my personal comfort and sanity, I cannot stand waking up the next morning wondering if the person we kissed was clean (I use the term loosely and for simplicity, no judgement intended).  It turns a really hot memory into one of suspicion and uncertainty.  I prefer guilt free fantasies.  Especially with my writers over active imagination.  In fact, I had situation just a few months ago, where we were soft swapping with a bunch of people, touching and getting a little intense when all of a sudden a woman stuck her tongue down my throat.  No permission was obtained and while I wanted to get lost in the sexiness of the situation, as there were hands everywhere, the reality was not hot.  It felt instead, obtrusive, invasive and all manor of inappropriate and all that separated her behaviour from everyone else’s, was the fluid exchange.  I was angry that I didn’t even have the chance to say no, or have the safe sex talk.  And as a result of how I felt the next morning and a very short conversation with my partner, we made a rule that from here on in, we tell people that we do not swap the first time we meet.

The other aspect I mentioned is sexual compatibility.  I don’t know about you, but history tells me that first time sex with a person is average to bad.  Every sexual encounter is unique, the sights, sounds and smells of a person.  So having no clue what to expect personality wise or sexually can be a bit of a hurdle.  I even heard of a few swingers who stopped going to clubs in general because the anonymous sex was actually getting boring.  It was constantly mediocre or bad and the thrill of newness was starting to wane.  Sex really ramps up, when you get to know a person.  When you can read their body language and get into the situation without having to stop every 30 seconds to ask permission (a slight exaggeration there, but you get the idea). I for one, want a much more sustainable sex life.  I enjoy good to great sex.  I love the butterflies and after glow, and I get that from a specific memory or touch from a person I care a bit about.  Strangers just don’t have any staying power in my mental spank bank.  I don’t want objects, I yearn for flesh and blood, emotional beings.

And for us the advantages of playing this way far outweigh the lost fantasy.  Especially for us, as we love a little chase and the excitement of getting to know someone.  Building that sexually charged suspense.  We don’t always get the payoff for postponing a swap, but man, when we do!  That keeps us going for weeks!  So the trade-off of an amazing novelty encounter, versus more of the getting to know a couple sex is definitely up our alley.

Now you can call me a tease or a dirty vanilla or a no touchie if it makes you feel better, but the truth of the matter is I would love to play the first time.  I just don’t want to waste my time hoping the sex will be good or to put myself in a situation where I do not feel safe. I’m in this for the long haul, not to just try out a few new people for curiosities sake.  Maybe I’m not a true swinger in that I don’t actually engage in anonymous sex with strangers.  I have written about already feeling like an outlier.  I know there is an argument for your valuable time.  You have the night off, a babysitter booked and you are looking for some strange.  And I respect your fantasy, just as I hope you respect my reasoning for not doing a full swap when we meet.  We try to disclose this information sooner rather than later, however we have screwed up few times and left it until we were already in the same room taking off our clothes.  For that, I humbly ask your forgiveness and I hope that you will want to get some strange with us in the future, only, not when it’s 100 percent strange.

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