I’m feeling raw and vulnerable, because it happened again. It always seems to happen. Here I am, trying to be open, fun, and authentic and then boom, some jackass takes it too far. They stop respecting when I say no. And they try… wait… they do push my boundaries, simply because they believe something inherently false, that women do not know what they want. That I, do not know what I want. Why? Because they have their best intentions at heart and I can trust them. I have heard this argument so many times in my life, that it really has done a mind fuck on me. And yes, there is a time and a place when this may be true. I.e. when you are in a committed relationship and your partner knows you better than you know yourself. Or when there is an established, vocalized, and consent based trust that they will not ever push you into a place that would harm either of you. Then, of course, there is an exception, and perhaps the good intentions hold true. But even then, if I or anyone else says no, the demand is that it be heard.
Good Intentions VS Perceptions
But that’s not where I find myself right now. I have numerous people in my life with whom I have to keep re-iterating my boundaries. How many times can I say, “no, I don’t want a hug” or “no, I don’t want to have sexualized conversations with you, because we don’t have that type of relationship”. It becomes exhausting steering the conversation away from sex or relationship topics or even something as simple as talking about my personal life. That nice guy adage of talking about your feelings will make you feel better is bullshit. I’m not playing those games or letting you into my mind! It makes you feel better to see someone hurt or vulnerable, not me! How many times do certain men need to be shot down before I have to up the ante, and get really mad or worse, cut them out of my life completely?
There is a huge difference between being playful, flirty, and fun, versus just pulling out all the stops and ignoring the word no. If I say, no, I demand that to be respected. I know myself. I know my body, and I know my comfort levels. On and on this note, body language plays a huge role in this too. If you reach out to touch someone, and they do not reciprocate the touching, it’s time you took a pause and ask them if they are OK with it. I think we all know what that uncomfortable hug from someone you don’t want touching you feels like, and when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable place it is so much worse. You begin to dread having to ever see them again. You need to get consent before you touch someone, and crush that part of you that thinks your touch someone is more important than their answer. And no, it not OK to look crushed and hurt or make them feel guilty for whatever their answer is.
Why Do I Feel Raw?
Now you may ask why I opened with feeling raw and vulnerable because I seem to have a very clear picture of what I want. But the truth is I am getting very tired of feeling that this is my fault. That writing this blog, sharing sexy pictures on Patreon, or posing for Instagram with my beer and boobs, somehow means I deserve to be ignored. Or that I must be open with everyone. Or that I identify as a sex positive individual and therefore, I want to talk sex all the time, and be touched by everyone. Or worse, that you think you are special because you read my work, understand me, and now feel that you somehow are a part of my intimate life. Let me be very clear, I share what I want to share, and I want to be free to continue doing so. I do not owe you anything, and I do not have to expand on topics for your own delight. And again, if I say I don’t want to talk about it, respect that. Do not give me your puppy dog eyes, and put your hand on my thigh, telling me that you’re always here if I need you.
A Little Math to Help Clarify
Let’s put some math into this to help me explain. Let’s say you have read 10 of my blog posts, and we have had 1 conversation in person that lasted about 10 minutes. Do you think that in that short amount of time what you know of me, versus what I know of you is now equal? Do you honestly think that somehow, magically, you have put enough work into building trust and a relationship that we are on equal footing and you can ignore when I say no? Or to ignore when I blatantly brush you off, and do not reciprocate to a single one of your advancements? If you’re wondering, each one of my posts takes at minimum of an hour of my time (keeping the math simple here as some take days). So, from a simple algebraic formula can you get this to balance? Remember, I have already put in 10 hours of my life, to your 10 minutes. Are you seeing the inequality here?
And let me tell you, I am sick and tired of men taking advantage of that and thinking they don’t have to put in any effort with me. More to the fact, I am exhausted from working so hard to let me guard down, and then boom, feeling like I am faced with blatant sexual harassment that some how I feel is my fault. Because I was open, sex positive, and shared my vulnerabilities publicly.
In Short, Respect the No!
The world is changing. The #metoo movement is real. It is no longer acceptable for men to just keep pushing until they get slapped or the woman changes her mind, mind you that was never a great tactic but if you lived through the 80’s and 90’s you’ll remember that being pretty common. Remember those days are over. Wake up! If you have ever had a woman claim that you crossed the line, you are the problem. You need to change your tactics and never do that again. Respect the no. Do not push it. And here’s the thing, even if a woman has been uncomfortable even one time, I have to re-iterate that you have done something wrong. Woman should never feel uncomfortable. It means you have not put in the time required to build trust, you are ignoring clearly established boundaries, and/or you are not respecting the person you are interacting with. I don’t care how “good” your intentions may be in your head, your actions are clearly in violation of your intentions, you are not the nice guy that you think you are, and you need to stop that behaviour immediately!
Posts like this are why my pictures are no longer as sexy on my blog. Someday, I hope that will change and I will be free to be an exhibitionist publicly, for now, check out my Patreon for all the behind the scenes content!