No matter how hard I try to pretend that my sex life is not intrinsically linked to my mental health, I cannot. When I do not orgasm for a few days, my capacity to handle day to day tasks diminishes. And when I have not been hugged, kissed, cuddled, or am starved for intimacy for any length of time I flounder. I want to be better than this. I want to be independent of my dependency on intimacy, but I just cannot do it. I can be brave and strong for a while, and then, before my eyes, I see my judgement and basic autonomy over my own emotions faulter. I see my confidence fade and worse, I begin to make negative correlations such as, my life is this way because I must have done something dreadful in a past life, and other such rhetoric. And to be clear, I don’t even believe in past lives, so this dialogue makes absolutely zero sense.
I will admit, that I don’t enjoy asking for sex or intimacy. It is one of those things that I take for granted and usually just falls into my lap (this is not a brag, just a pattern I have noticed). Or I have developed a dynamic with a person who loves being the instigator and we fall into an incredible thing whereby I never quite know when I’m going to get laid (and I love that!). But this time around, things feel different. I’m not sure if it is age sneaking up on me, or what, but I just feel like I am looking for connections in all the wrong places. And that is making me fail even harder. I mean, I usually love a great challenge, and the thrill of something forbidden. This works well for me, because up until recently, I have always had something to fall back on. So coming back from the “hunt” empty handed, was never an issue. I have never felt this starved before.
And it is wearing me down. I have questioned my self worth, my sex appeal, my value, and basically the whole, do I even deserve to be loved? I can honestly tell you that being non-monogamous (a post about where I have been in the non-monogamous world for too long) does not make any of these feelings easier. I feel the same loneliness I would if I was in a partnership with just one person. Just because I am able to see multiple people does not mean that I am free of feeling this void, this emptiness. And it would be melodramatic to state that it is even harder, because I am doubly or triply lonely. That I should already have my tribe and never feel this way. That somehow the whole point of this expansive relationship norm, should prevent this total collapse into my pity party. But, I am no different from any other lonely person, figuring life out, and trying to get their needs met, both emotionally, and physically.
I just want to love with my whole being, and be loved the same way in return. And until I can find a rational, and ethical way to get my physical needs met, I am going to struggle mentally. I need the orgasmic release of endorphins to get me through this next little while. I cannot fight this battle as it’s just a part of who I am. I want to be wanted, and I want to continue going after things that make me feel amazing. And in this, there is no conclusion, simply putting out into the void the rock and hard place I find myself in.
If you liked this picture or post and want to see more or even just buy me a beer to help fuel the writing, click here!