Many years ago, when my partner and I were first starting to navigate what our open relationship could look like, I made a bold claim. I said, in what he probably would describe as a moment of desperation, that I wanted us both to have a girlfriend. Someone that the three of us could hang out with, but more than that, a female that I could confide in. I wanted a sexual new best friend. If you have read any of my posts in regards to women, I was not raised to believe that women could support each other. Instead, I had that whole females are in constant competition myth going on in my head. So, in an attempt to get on board with my partner dating other woman, I hatched a plan that would involve me as well.
It was a terrible plan, born out uncertainty, mistrust, and just basically a place where I knew if I asked a female on a date, things would go terribly. I was not in a head space to date women. I didn’t ask myself what I actually wanted, or what I would be willing to offer a female. So, I went back to my norm, and decided that if a female fell into my lap it would be in an organic way, and zero effort would be required. Flash forward 8 years, and other than foursomes, I have been on exactly 2 dates with women. And both times, it was with the pretence of just doing it to making the dating of four people easier. So that whole, it will happen organically, has not proven to be the case.
I think part of the issue, is that, while I will fully admit that I am attracted to humans, and not specific genders. The underlying fact is that women make me nervous. And not for the reasons that you may think. I am nervous about hurting a woman’s feelings, or not being able to be my assertive self. What I mean by that, is I set ground rules, then expect them to be followed implicitly because I am a passive lover. With women, I wouldn’t even know how to start. I have this whole, romantic notion in my head, and nowhere in that scenario is a discussion about likes, dislikes, or who leads versus follows.
And this ambiguity, has ensured that I do not make any first steps when it comes to women. I have on our couple profiles that I am sexually comfortable, but primarily straight. It feels wrong to say that I am curious or bisexual, because I have never felt that connection or intimacy with a woman that has tipped the scales. In fact, my female experiences have been drunk, or from incredibly aggressive women that have actually scared me off. I can say for certainty that having a stranger force their tongue down my throat while I am getting off is NOT a kink of mine.
So, why do I write this post? Honestly, because I am questioning if my relationship fluid nature, also extends to gender fluidity. I am curious what it would be like, yet, feel held in place by not wanting to lead anyone on, or worse, make a female feel that I was just using them to really find out if I have more of a bisexual tendency than I realize. And I am nervous about opening pandoras box. I don’t know if I would be able to handle the attention of being non-monogamous and a little bit bi-sexual. That feels like far too much responsibility to handle. And to all you incredible people on Twitter that are both, I am in awe daily of how you navigate that, schedule and maintain the complexity of the relationships, and just live so authentically! So here I sit, on the sidelines, questioning my sexuality, and wondering what having an actual girlfriend would look like…
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