Do Not Open an Online Message with Sex

Serenity now!

Now that I have definitely proven to myself that there is absolutely zero gender bias when it comes to people saying the most boundary crossing, absurd things for an opening online dating message, I feel more confident writing this post.  Instead of this post just being a rant about how men are ruining online dating because they believe any reaction is a good reaction, I can now open this up to… we all suck at opening conversations online.  In the past two weeks, I have had both couples and presumably single women open their conversations to me with great detail about how they want to get inside my p*&sy.  As flattered as you think I should be to read that you want to spread my legs, and go down on me for hours.  And by extension, that I have chosen such great photos, written a prize winning profile, and apparently am just online at the right time and right place for you to invite me over to your place…it’s going to be a hard no from me.

I thought for a long time that it was only men who sent rude and crude messages, as a matter of shock value (or that’s what I tell myself when I am shaking my head while blocking them).  I know, that it’s a numbers game, and quite frankly I understand putting message after message out into the abyss to crickets.  And then feeling like any reaction is better than no reaction as no one wants to be ignored, especially when you’re lonely.  But guess what I have recently learned?  It is all of us, men, women, absolutely everyone who signs up to online dating has that moment of, well, I am tired of being ignored, so let’s just go all in!  And yes, I include myself in this, because I had to do a lot of trial and error to even get my response rate up to the 50% mark it is currently at (average of men, women, and couples).  Yes, I am numbers person, and keep track of that sort of thing for “science”.  As part of my dating coaching business, I like actually knowing what has a chance of working, and being able to validate that versus just sending my clients out there as my guinea pigs.

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At this point, before you think I am a prude or get the wrong impression of me, thinking, perhaps there are woman out there who would get wet at the crude opening message and I have no business chiming into this conversation, let me tell you this.  I grew up in a machine shop, surrounded by all levels of blue collar, white collar, you name it.  Being in sales, I am fluent in the art of match the voice of your customer.  And well, if you have met me in person, or heard me speak, I have a tendency to use colourful language to help boost a story. Or when I am out at a pub, talking with my friends, I love shooting the shit, making dick jokes, and cracking euphemisms with the best of them.  And that is the key difference I want to make here.  When there is context, body language, and just a basic rapport with a real human being, you can be yourself (whatever that may be).  However, and I cannot stress this enough, when you are using the written word to make an introduction, you are going to find yourself dead in the water if you open with something rude or crude.

Let me put this in a new paragraph for added emphasis.  Even if you are just looking to get laid, believe in total blunt honesty, etc, opening your message with anything sexual is a bad idea. Telling a person, you are only in town for one night and have a fancy hotel, is a dumb opener.  Sending your dick or genitalia as a way of getting someone’s attention is… a bad IDEA!  

Normally at this point, I try and be reflective.  To understand human nature, and why all genders think this is an appropriate way to introduce themselves.  Why there is a large number of people who believe that the only way to get something is to just come out and ask. But the thing is, I’m tired of repeating myself here.  If you honestly think that pissing off 9999 people to get your 1 yes is worth it, I have zero time for you.  There is a right way to discuss a hookup, and way that alienates everyone else.  Learn the difference, figure it out, and STOP opening is sex!  Simple rule of thumb, open with something you would be willing to say in person completely sober.  This is not difficult!

Are you looking for some non-monogamous conversation starters, I have created a whole series on Medium!  Or you could sign up to my Patreon to see the full breadth of my work, and behind the scenes photos!

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