First, I am overwhelmed by the response to my last post about putting non-monogamy on hold. It is so encouraging to see that the majority of people understand the importance of social/physical distancing, for the good of society and ensuring we can get as many of our loved ones through this crisis. It truly goes to show that the sex positive community lives ethically both in and out of the bedroom, and we all deserve a huge pat on the back for that one (and yes, I just reached over my shoulder and gave myself a well deserved love pat, and you should too!) But, many of you have been asking, with non-monogamy on hold, what do we do now?
I wrote a Medium article that outlines what I think is important to do in the wake of the social isolation including self care, re-connecting, and building hope and that is absolutely the foundation for getting through this (so please give is a read). But I recognize that many of my regular readers want more, especially if you have been non-monogamous for a while, you are, like me going a little sexually stir crazy. I for one, crave the butterflies of new people, and there is absolutely no substitution for that when you cannot leave the house. That first touch on the arm, or thigh, just turns me into mush, which is impossible to replicate on facetime or a virtual hangout. Le sigh… back to the topic at hand, what can we do now?
What can we do?
We can stop wishing that things would go back to normal. Instead, it is time, to embrace this global pause, and to envision our future. Specifically, to this non-monogamous and sex positive blog, the time to fantasize about your relationships future is right now! And once you paint a clear picture in your mind, it is time to make a plan. This could include doing some more research on the diversity of relationships, or finding someone to help you make sense of what you’re feeling, or setting some time with your partner to start discussing where you both want to be. The thing is, it time for action! We are on hold, and we need to make the most of it. So take a gulp, and tell the person you love what your ideal relationship or future looks like, even if that includes just telling yourself out loud!
The reset button is here. We are living with undeniable proof that life is short, so embrace it. Choose your relationship norm, or make a plan to deepen that foundation. We may never get this chance again (in fact, I hope this NEVER happens again), so take a leap of faith and shoot for the moon, just as I did.
My partner and I, got incredibly drunk a few nights ago and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking. While lounging in our beanbag chairs, sipping beer, we planned out our ideal future. While this isn’t the post for the nitty gritty of that conversation, we both came out of it with a clearer picture of what we both want out of the next few years. It was a fluid brainstorming of ideas, that brought us so much closer together. And yes, we said a lot of things that we were both avoiding, and while scary it did end up being incredibly cathartic. The thing is, we cannot run away from each other. We are in isolation together, and no matter how painful or raw we may feel, there is comfort in knowing that survival depends on us resolving these elements in our lives.
Even though my partner and my foundation feels rock solid most of the time, it still took me 3 weeks to get grounded enough to have that vulnerable conversation. It is not easy. People and relationships grow and change. I am seeing so many swingers who are contemplating going back to a closed, monogamous relationship. Just as, I am seeing a few women in particular, voicing their concerns at no longer being sexually compatible with their partners and looking for how to rectify that. Relationships are complicated. But again, use this universal pause, to really question if what you have is what you want.
Of course you already know that there will be risks with opening up dialogue like this, and that is likely the reason you have not even allowed yourself to think about it, let alone talk about it. And yes, many will discover that they are just no longer compatible, and that is OK. There is a network of support that I would be happy to help you find, if that is the case. But either way, the time is now to drop the idea of going back to normal. That system was broken, plain and simple. But your relationship may not be, if it is truly what you want. And if you discover it isn’t, reach out! We have nothing but time, and a whole world of possibilities on the other side of isolation.
If you want to take a break, why not check out some NSFW pictures and behind the blog content available on my Patreon?