I originally called this piece my Halloween lament. After a great night’s sleep, I awoke with fresh perspective, and what I hope will be a tear free day. Halloween has always been my favourite holiday and if you search the sidebar of this blog with Halloween, you will see tonnes of posts celebrating it, and a few costumes as well. Obviously this year is 2020, so of course we cannot have nice things like a vanilla costume party, followed by the more riske and sexier one at a swing club. So, here I find myself with no choice but to join the masses and get dressed up for myself, and my virtual audience on this Halloween 2020. The new normal!
While dressing up is amazing and I am glad I get to share my costume with anyone who dares to read this, I am struck with a nagging emotion I can’t quite shake, I’m lonely. And Halloween has historically been the time of year that I upstart my social calendar. Because I am chasing every costume party I can find, I also get to meet a wide variety of people. I have always made new friends, and the occasional sexy connection as a result of using costumes as an ice breaker. As we all know, that is not an option this year. Instead, I am staying comfortably within my little bubble of amazing friends and doing the most low key Halloween to date. One small gathering, with no new faces, and the realization that there will be no new faces for a long long time.
I have had more than a few people ask me how I could possibly feel so lonely because I am non-monogamous, so clearly I must have a rolodex (OK, only I still use that word) full of fine men just waiting for me to reach out. And let me tell you something, I don’t. For better or for worse, I have never felt comfortable just keeping people around “in-case” I need them. And with my life getting flipped upside down the past few years, I stopped putting any effort into meeting anyone new. I just wasn’t feeling whole, or sexy, or emotionally willing to get to know anyone. So, to use a phrase from ELByrne, I find myself with an empty funnel, and more disastrous, during my favourite holiday to meet new people.Ready to share your own story? Greengeeks has the best customer support out of any self hosting platform I have used! Sign up today and start sharing your journey! (affiliate link)
This year, when Halloween is over, I am going to feel the drop. That weird realization of sitting on my couch, finishing off my candy, too scared to watch horror movies by myself, and wishing that things were different. Wishing that 2020 had just never happened, and that I could just go back to dancing the night away, mingling, flirting, and looking optimistically at my new contacts the following morning. But, it is 2020, and pretending it’s not won’t change a thing.
So, here I am, dressed up all by my lonesome, drinking a beer, and taking all the photos (NSFW are up on Patreon). Because this is what really happens when I find myself with nothing but time, and a huge emotional void to fill. Le sigh… Trying to make the most out of this Halloween is tough, but I’m sure I will look back upon it, as a minor roadblock on the way to something amazing. Right?