Dating Outside of the Non-Monogamous World

Homage to Elmer Fudd: The Hunt is on…

I recently made a choice, for better or for worse remains to be seen, but it’s this, to start looking for people outside of the non-monogamous community to date. It was/is not an easy decision, and one that I know is going to bring with it challenges far beyond what I can even imagine. The thing is though, it is the only logical thing to do. I am not happy with the people I have met from the non-monogamous dating sites (to be clear dating site are not the same as online communities). I know saying that is going to ruffle some feathers, but my whole premise of being open and honest right from the get go, has bit my ass far too many times. In fact, it has done nothing but, and I am just over it. Not one success story going alone? Just read A Few Almost Dating Stories for example.  Ok, fool me once, but now it’s time to try something new, dating outside of non-monogamy.

When I met my now ex, I was monogamous. He opened my eyes to a relationship norm that I never knew existed and I found my place in the world, eventually… haha! That gives me hope that there is someone out there, or multiple someone’s that the same can be true. I feel guilty at moments, and right now, I am putting myself through sexual hell by not sleeping with this guy until we have a big chat (OK, that was the plan anyways, but again, future post!). Which if I’m being honest may not be something I ever do again.  But, this is attempt one, at getting back into being an amazing flirt, and allowing someone to fall for me, and not my relationship status. Does that make any sense?

Betty’s Toy Box (affiliate link)

My horror stories with being sexualized, fetishized, and all the things from non-monogamous (or pretending to be non-monogamous people) over the past few years tells me one thing… I want more from a relationship! I want to be cared and cherished for more than just the idea that we don’t have to be monogamous. I want to be the booty that someone craves, for at least a little while. You know, just craving each other, again and again. Really getting to know each other without distractions, building a foundation, before opening up. Wait, does this mean I am finally ready to admit that I want to do non-monogamy my way?

If you had asked me 5 years ago if I would ever date a newbie, I would have said hell no. I wasn’t ready to do so, and I wasn’t confident enough to communicate, teach, or guide another human being through what is an often intense range of experiences. Now I can say now that I am no longer that beginner. I teach (often through my mistakes), I guide (after calm reflection on Medium), and I am shocked that the outcome of this is how excited I am to see someone’s eyes open for the first time. Obviously, consent is paramount here. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but, this is something I am ready to experience. And it feels … right somehow. In the way that, I know I won’t get what I want doing what I have been doing. And from my own experience I know that if you’re introduced to non-monogamy in the right way, a safe and supportive way, it can be incredible.

No post would be complete without a huge shout-out to everyone who bought me beers last week through Patreon. I have been in a writer’s creative bliss, and it is in part due to having some delicious creative juices.  Thank you!

17 thoughts on “Dating Outside of the Non-Monogamous World”

  1. I’m confused. You rail against people swinging during the pandemic yet you are now dating and planning on having sex even though that clearly goes against the current rules.
    How do you justify your hypocrisy?
    I’d ask you this on Twitter but I’ve seen the way you attack people who dare question you.

    1. Going on a socially distanced date is not on par with swinging, and I stand by that.

      Also, I do not attack people on my blog, social media or otherwise.

      1. I just can’t follow you anymore…. you have thrown the whole lifestyle community under the bus. Your lack of knowledge and experience shows in everything you write.

        In my opinion you are a poor representative of non-monogamy.

        Please, just stop.

        1. The point of my blog has, and always will be an exploration of myself mistakes and all. The lack of experience is precisely why I started over a decade ago, and I am honest about that. And to that point, I will not stop. Life is an exploration and I want to continue that for the rest of my life.

          1. I never said to stop non-monogamy.

            What I’m trying to tell you is that you should stop giving poor advice. You should stop throwing your community a bad name.

            In a previous writing you totally bashed lifestyle clubs…did you ever contact them to see what they were doing to keep people safe during the pandemic? I know for a fact the club I’m a member at totally changed the way they did things. The had permission and guidance from the local health authorities and government.

            This is my point. You blast an opinion with zero research. Therefore, you end up looking like a fool.

          2. I am trying to understand why this is the post that seemed to set you off. There is no advice being given, simply a personal choice based on some reflection. By all means stop following whomever you choose, but this seems way off base.

            Also, I do extensive research prior to giving opinions or advice. And I welcome new information and will adjust my views accordingly. To my knowledge, there is nothing that can be done to make swinging a safe activity during a pandemic.

          3. You haven’t done an ounce of research on what the local clubs have done. How could you think you would know better then the local health authority?

            I know in our area the clubs are closed right now. And here you are dating!!

            Really?? Get a grip!

            You have lost so much credibility in the local community. Think before you type.

            And yes you do attack people on social media that disagrees with you. I have seen it over and over again.

            You are completely unethical with your blog. Half truths to get attention. Uneducated opinions and complete B.S.

          4. My blog, again, is a personal journey filled with all my mistakes, and thoughts on relationships. Yes, I make mistakes, and I share them with hopes people will learn, have a laugh, or just enjoy the ride. If something doesn’t resonate, that’s fine too. I am not writing my blog to influence people, or change minds. It is my take on breaking away from monogamy… simple.

            As for the attacking because this keeps coming up. It is difficult to portray a voice over social media, and no one, including myself enjoys being told that they are wrong. There just isn’t a great way to do so. Thus, I can appreciate that my strong morals, and ethics along with my direct and clear voice may not read the way I intend. And honestly, that is just one of the great many social media hurdles. I welcome discourse, always. It is how we learn and grow as people.

            Finally, I have had a few conversations as of late with people, and the one thing that keeps coming up is just how sexually frustrated we all have been through this. I believe it is pouring out of us in weird ways and tensions are running very high. So to that end, I started dating one person (I am single, dating one other person who is as isolated as I am and within my local guidelines for the record) because I knew the loneliness was affecting me negatively. This covid thing sucks. I hope we all do the best we can to support each other, and still love each other when all is said and done. That’s all, just love each other, and keep working towards building an incredible sex positive community. We will get through this.

    2. I’m not sure how you behave and interact with the people around you, but how can you classify going on a date to talk with someone the same as swinging with multiple people in a swingers club is beyond me.

      I certainly do no witness any hypocrisy in her messaging here and on Twitter, and I have never seen her attack anyone.

      1. You obviously haven’t been paying attention. She constantly attacks and belittles anyone who dares to question anything she says and then tries to justify with her “it’s about me” garbage. Truth be told, she simply isn’t a nice person.

        1. My blog is about me. It is my personal experience outside of monogamy. Not quite sure why anyone would think anything different.

  2. Maybe I’m not understanding the problem here.

    I’ve been following K for years on Twitter because of her insights on nonmonogamy/polyamory. Never ONCE have I seen her drag anyone who didn’t have it coming. When she has gone to guns on someone else, they invariably came up in HER space, her house, if you will, and started yelling into a bullhorn. She has always been very clear on the fact that her opinion is exactly that: HER opinion, which she has offered free of charge or obligation with pointed disclaimers to take what works FOR YOU and discard what doesn’t.

    Personally, like her, I can’t understand why anyone would feel safe going to a swingers’ club, adult theater or bookstore, public dungeon or strip club right now. I certainly don’t! But I also don’t get any sense that she has ever attempted or meant to shame anyone who DOES feel that’s appropriate behavior. At every turn, she has acted ONLY to point out the consequences of such actions may well exceed the rewards at this particular inflection point in modern history. Like pregnancy (for hetero relationships; if it doesn’t apply to you, it doesn’t apply) or HIV or any other STD or transmissible illness, COVID doesn’t give a damn about “rules.” You can have all the best practices, use all the protections, listen to all the guidance and rigidly adhere to it…and STILL end up with it.

    The point is, if what you read here has you feeling a way, maybe you should take a long step back and a hard look in the mirror. You just may find your ire is misdirected.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, K! ^_^

  3. You’re absolutely correct. This Covid thing sucks…

    With blogs like like yours consistently throwing people and businesses under the bus, I’m afraid there won’t be much love in the community for writers like you.

    The pandemic has shown some true colours in people. You have shown that your blog is all about you. It’s about “how much attention can I get and how many people can I get to pay for my beer fund”.

    Why not use your influence for good? Why not contact all the club owners in your area and see how they are dealing with the pandemic? Why not get in touch with the community?

    You are not part of the ENM or Swinging community here in Calgary. You are just a person that practices ENM. You have zero experience in such subjects.

    To answer your question about why am I expressing my thoughts now.

    Up until a week ago. I never heard of you. One of my friends sent me a link to your blog and I have read probably 80% of what you have written. I have to say your experiences are terrible. Your advice is dangerous. I feel you need to actually take a look at what you are telling people. You could actually hurt someone with your half truths and lack of experience.

    Just for the record. I do not hate you. I only feel your words are irresponsible and dangerous.

    You do have a talent for expressing your thoughts in words. Most of us in the community would just like you to do some proper research before you insult and bash a community that you have no idea about.

    And yes you do attack people on social media. Myself included.

    1. I’m sorry you feel that I have attacked you. I don’t know who you are on social media, so I cannot speak to any such incident, but if that was your impression, that’s valid.

      As for your claim that I am not part of the swingers or ENM community in Calgary, that is simply not true. I don’t know where you are basing your opinions here on, but I have been active at a local swingers club pre-pandemic for over 4 years, and outside of our city for nearly 7. That being said, to claim my personal experiences are about me giving advice confuses me. My blog is not about advice, it is about sharing my experiences, which you’re right, at times have been terrible (and I share freely the good and the bad). Again, I am sharing my experiences, because it is MY blog.

      I fail to see one instance where I have thrown a person or a business under the bus. If that is your interpretation of something I wrote, that is on you. You are welcome to stop reading and commenting any time. Or you could share specific instances where you feel I have been irresponsible or dangerous, and I will absolutely address that head on. I want the sex positive community to be a safe and welcoming space, and my voice through my blog, or any of my writings fall under that same umbrella. I am intensely passionate and proud of my work, hence such a long response to your so far unsubstantiated claims of my ill will.

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