Category: Blogging

Week 7 & 8: Editing and Music

    K Ghislaine

Well, last week I gave myself my first pass, for writing consistency, or clearly lack there of. It is not something I am very generous about doing for me, but hey it was Valentine’s and a long weekend so… it happened and I only beat myself up a little bit with guilt. To get back on track let me merge two writing challenges together that actually hit home and work together, editing and music.

For anyone who doesn’t know, I have written a book, and am currently in agent finding purgatory. But in order to write this book, I did exactly what Zadie Smith suggested, even though I had zero intention of doing that. With a focus on editing she recommended taking a piece that you hadn’t looked at for a time, and re-reading it with the eyes of reader, rather than a writer, and ooph did that ever hit home. When I had left my project, and my past relationship, I picked it back up with fierce determination to get the story right, so I could in essence let go of the baggage. Because I was simply to close to the project, I decided to read it out loud. That was eye opening, and not in a good way.

When I became the reader, I realized to my horror, that the story was flat, and wrong. Something I would have not picked up on had I not stepped away from it. And thus, I had to re-write it, almost in it’s entirety. As I was doing this, I altered my playlist. Yes, this is my nice way of merging these two writing prompts into one piece. Amy Tam spoke to the idea of utilizing music to maintain a mood, basically keeping a song on repeat until that section or tone is correct. And hot damn, if that didn’t resonate with me. In order to get myself back into the writing zone, I would find a song that brought up those particular feels, and would listen to it on repeat. Once I was effectively transported back, I would turn on classical piano and just start pouring my soul out. It was a tactic I stumbled upon and I am so grateful to these prompts for bringing this to the forefront of my brain, so I can now put into words and hopefully future motion things that will ensure my words remain real and raw. Story time:

While this is a painful memory to share I’m going to anyways; the song that I went to in order to finish my book, was Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo. I won’t summarize it, other to say, that the slow sombre beginning brought me down to a place that I could be reflective. As it gets bolder I would get angry, and then feel guilt for being so gullible. These are emotions that are very difficult to keep in motion at the same time, and yet, I needed to be there, in order to remain authentic in my voice. I am not saying by any stretch that I was successful. But, that is technique I used, and one that now that I have read this writing prompt will use again in future to get things right. Find a song, listen to it on repeat to get into that zone, mood, whatever you want to call, and let the words pour out. I just hope that by doing that first, the words I read out loud to edit will be less horrible that they were in that long forgotten first draft…!

Thank you all for coming on this journey with me. And thank you all for the shared stories, words of encouragement, and of course my Patreon subscribers. Stay tuned for next week.

Week 4: Emotion

    K Ghislaine

I have literally just spend the last hour going through old photos that I took of myself on various writing adventures, in an effort to find myself and my voice. The prompt from Alice Walker, spoke about writing from a place of hate, and how paralyzing it can be. And I felt that paralysis, as I scrolled image after image. The memories of me trying, so hard to reconcile everything that I had been through, while at the same time, sugar coating it all, because I simply wasn’t ready to face the hard reality that I was alone. And more so, that I had been going it alone, for a very, long time.

The writing prompt side of this week, talks about writing from anger, and then revisiting the piece with a more moderate, or middle ground approach. And well, I want to tell you a story, about me doing just that, but over years and years.

As many of you know, I have written a book, a memoir of that open relationship that got me blogging. When I first started the book, I was in love, or what I would later learn was lust. And it was in that state of being I first endeavoured to write a book of fiction. It was a pen and paper novel, that I figured would allow me to better discuss everything that I had questioned but in the “clever” guise of a narrative so I could never be culpable to my relationship. It was… terrible. But an admirable effort on my part.

I did some soul searching and realized that I needed to revise it to a memoir, and keep it in a similar style to my blog so as not to alienate my incredible supportive readers. That book began as a love story, without an ending. It was simply a continuation of the blog with no rising action, no intrigue, just deeper dives into what transpired. My book was doomed, until that fateful day that I realized there was absolutely zero love in my home.

That was the day, that I picked up my book, and started with fresh eyes, and from the beginning. In those few weeks, and then months, I wrote with a fever pitch, and I wrote with anger. Some might even say, hate. But not hate at him. It was hate at myself. I would write words that poured out of me, and I know I cried a lot, but I don’t actually remember when or where. I just wrote, probably 50’000 words of pure rage, and dislike for who I had become as a result of losing myself to him, and his identity. It was awful. And again, so was the book. Because I blamed myself for everything that went wrong, it was horrible introspective that was so one-sided, it added to my depression to even think about. So I didn’t, I just wrote.

This prompt asked about writing with hate, and I think I have learned a lot from writing nearly an entire relationship worth of words, blinded by a rage I couldn’t control. I still don’t quite have the words to describe what a lonely period of time that was. The realization that I was not the person I wanted to be. A lifetime of experiences and adventures, with nothing redeeming to show for it, besides the chapters of a book, filled with self loathing and blame. That was a lesson I learned from. While cathartic, looking back of course, I no longer write when I feel that bubbling rage. I no longer will put words down on a page, when I cannot think straight. I know it those moments, I don’t want to capture that essence. It’s not sincere, it is not honest, and it is not worth capturing.

Writing with emotion is what I do best. Real, raw, and vulnerable. But… with an openness and a realization that there are always more sides to a story than just mine. That is the lesson I took away from writing in a period of hatred. Emotion is good. Extremes are bad! At the end of the day, I want to be remembered for being authentic rather than a drama queen who used her emotion to sensationalize her story. We can save that for the harlequin romance adaptation! Haha.

I hope you are enjoying this writing prompt edition of my blog, and I thank you all for reading!!! This post does not have any behind the scenes photos (no one wants to see me ugly cry!) on Patreon, but there is still some great content, and I am working on switching all my pay-walled medium articles to friends and family ones so there is added incentive to joining. My aim is to have this done for all tier levels, so please be patient with me as I make the changes.

Week 3: Truth

    K Ghislaine

This weeks prompt is from the incomparable Margaret Atwood, and as I should have expected her note was direct and to the point “tell the Truth”. And whether via luck or happenstance this is exactly what I have been struggling with as of late, but not within my writing. No, as I mentioned last week, I really enjoy the process of digging deeper, and as I am discovering with my podcast, fact checking and research are things I really enjoy. There is an uncomplicated, more direction focused nuance to ensuring what I write is accurate. A little mental break if you will, to the emotional ties with which I write words down on a page. And these are all the things that I wanted to brag about really enjoying as I read the task that was presented to me, truth.

However, as I stood in the shower, letting the hot water pour over me, with the almost trance like effect of the rushing water that has elicited so many ideas over the years, I suddenly realized that while my mind and creativity are focused in truth, my body is not. In fact over the past year and a bit, my body has outright lied to me, time and time again. And it is becoming unbearably painful, because on more than one occasion my body has convinced every fibre of my being that we have conceived only to dash my hopes days later.

And well, being a person who adores research and fact checking, I can tell you with the utmost certainty that information available to those struggling to get pregnant absolutely sucks. There is almost no way to tell fact from fiction because everything is subjective. My body lies, my research yields false hope, and an abundance of information that simply states… wait. All you can do is wait! Now here is where it starts to get twisted.

In this new age of internet searching with cookies, and all manor of targeted advertising, something sinister lurks beneath my desperation, the profiteers. Oh yes, the internet knows what you are up to, and let me tell you that there are more than just a handful of so called experts, ready and willing to take your money in exchange for an almost guaranteed plan to help you cleanse your body so you can get pregnant. With a modest monetary exchange, you can reverse the age of your eggs with diet and exercise alone! There is no actual peer reviewed study to back this magic remedy up. Nor any way that you can ensure these things are safe, healthy, effective, or recommended by an actual Dr. But hey, in the wee hours of the night, when you are once again devastated that your body has once again let you down, you might say, “I’ll try anything”. And then dear friends, they’ve got you, and your money.

I wish there was a way to report these charlatans, who give false hope in exchange for your hard earned money, but as of yet, I do not know of a place. It feels criminal that in my hour of vulnerability, and hormonal upheaval, I cannot find a thing that I can try that is endorsed by anyone reasonable or rational. This writing prompt really wanted me to look at a past piece of writing and fact check it, remove bias, and take a long hard look at the accuracy of my words. And well, I want to write something verifiable in regards to increasing my chances of getting pregnant, and quite frankly, as this point in time, I could not ensure universal accuracy. The state of women’s healthcare and research is deplorable. I have hit a wall, and I cannot fact check myself out of it, no matter how hard I have been trying. And well, admitting that I have failed, just… sucks.

Well, until the next writing prompt. Hopefully it will be a tad more uplifting. Thank you as always to the amazing folks who comment, share, and subscribe to my Patreon. I couldn’t do this without your support.

Staying in My Lane?

    K Ghislaine

For the past year or so, I have shifted my blog into something that felt more authentic to me, and that was my current struggles with getting pregnant. My blog has always been a way for me to sort out the problems facing me, and the questions that I have about new experiences, aka non-monogamy. As a way of keeping me a little grounded and focused, I have tried, really really tried to stay in my lane, whatever that may be in my current time and space. Well, the reality is, that has not brought me any joy. In fact, it has done the opposite, and stifled my creativity. So, change is coming.

In my most recent article for Medium, I got brave and wrote about politics. At first it felt strange and uncomfortable, in that I was deviating from my area of expertise, which is relationships. But the more I wrote, the more I realized that relationships are breaking down every place we look. The us vs them is hurting our ability to fix real problems, or at the very least be able to discuss them. And well, I have simply never hid from a challenge. So let me be clear, it is time we start openly discussing things that are affecting us, hence this post, and the rekindling of my creative juices, and beyond that, who honestly knows.

I believe that my sex positive and relationship fluid background are valuable in today’s very rigid society which I am not a fan of. And it is only by challenging this, with a plethora of voices, mine included that we can get back to a place where argument and discussion have a valid place. Where we are free to ask questions and voice our opinions and, here’s the big thing, listen respectfully to others. Sure, my background is non-monogamy, and questioning relationship norms. And yes, to the casual observer that may not seem like a person who should be expressing themselves freely, but guess what? Having that level of intimacy and interaction with such a broad range of humans makes me perfectly qualified to start addressing things of concern and I need to own that!

I have long maintained that we need to be more accepting of one another. And well, that starts with me. I need to accept that I have a voice, and a platform that can contribute to healthy and honest communication about things that are real, raw, and sometimes taboo.

We have to get past not wanting to offend others and start working towards increasing our understanding and compassion. And we have to do it, with our eyes open. As I mentioned in my last Medium article, we are living in an oil and water society where half want to make their own success and the other half want to help others. Throughout history, this back and forth has created many great things, and I look forward to us getting there again. However it feels like we are in the darkest timeline where there is simply no talking, but rather judgment and hatred for all those who do not share our ideologies without actually talking to them first? We have lost sight of a truth we used to know, that you learn more from someone on the outside, than from someone on the same side as you.

So let me get back to the questioning everything, and the accepting nothing at face value. Life’s far more interesting that way. Are you ready to break away with me? Hahahaha….

To all those on my Patreon… thank you! I hope with the re-imagining of my creative forward blog, that will also increase my ability to post bonus content (which is already up for this post). And if nothing else, December is the month of my Beervent calendar which is always a fun time!

Dear Body: It Has Been So Many Months…

    K Ghislaine

I worked so diligently on really listening and being fully intuitive with my body. It was a long process, but I worked on a lot of emotional trauma, and got to place where I could be gentle with myself and my emotions. I felt empowered by this triumph. I sit here now, realizing that I no longer trust anything my body is doing. The earnest desire to become pregnant has turned all the rational cues I used to rely on, into damn bloody liars! Month after month, I experience every early pregnancy symptom, and month after month, I realize that they were false alarms. It is disheartening to know just how many months we have been trying for.

The best advice, as I’ve mentioned before, is to just relax. When it happens, it happens. And truly there is little more that I can do, beyond what I am doing. My next appointment with the fertility clinic is in a month, and while I have already waited 3, this last one seems the longest. I guess I was hoping that I would be able to tell them, I needed them for a different reason, an early pregnancy. And yet, all signs point to that simply not being possible.

I realized today, that I am 2 cycles away from us trying for a year without success. I cannot believe that it has been almost 9 months since my last chemical. As much as those suck, at least something happened, and my hormones and body changes were the result of something trying to get started. These past 8 months I have experienced varying degrees of symptoms. All different, and all contributing to my roller-coaster of hope versus despair.

It’s so odd, that I can be with the most wonderful man in the world, who makes me feel like a god damn queen, who has never been this happy. But, that I am also able to still feel the agony of my body letting us both down. The harder you love, the harder you fall I suppose. The range of emotions just gets deeper and deeper as your experiences increase. I suppose in a way, that is healthy, and a good sign that I am truly living life to the fullest, but there is darkness. As I type, Time in a Bottle, by Jim Croce plays in the background, and it’s true, there just never seems to be enough time. And that means I cannot waste any energy feeling sorry for myself, that we just haven’t conceived in such a long time. But saying the thing that makes sense, and believing the thing are two vastly different states of mind. I fear my rational one, is losing out to the hormonal one far more often than I am comfortable with.

Vulnerability is beautiful in so many ways. And it allows a person to really love, and feel, and I am grateful that I overcame so much to get here. I feel whole, and intense. But also a little wild, and out of control, which doesn’t suit me. That side lets in the fear. The fear that I might lose control, and just wind up in a puddle on the floor, unable to snap myself out of the void. My only saving grace is that I know I am not alone. There are people in my life who I can wholeheartedly rely on to keep me sane. I trust them with my heart, and my volatility, because they are flawed humans who love as I do. We have trust, compassion, and empathy for all that makes us humans. And it is this that keeps me going. This network of support that rises above the pain I feel on a monthly basis.

We keep trying. It’s all we can do. And I keep picking myself up off the floor, because as it turns out, reaching rock bottom is the biggest lie we tell ourselves to keep on trucking. I hope, I will be able to start rebuilding trust with my body sooner rather than later. For now, I am helpless. And at the mercy of my body, and the hormones that take over more often than not. One day, I will hold that baby in my arms… I will.

Thank you all for the love and support during this time. A special shout-out to those on my Patreon who have access to all the behind the scenes, including my newest project… a Podcast, because yes, distraction keeps me going!!!