Category: Breaking Away

Mid-Life Crisis… Here I Come!!!

    K Ghislaine

Ok, drama queen alert. I know, I know. If you’ve been reading over the past year, you may have already figured this out as my posts have been more introspective, and of the variety of trying to improve my outlook on things. Hey, it’s what it is. And considering that there is an entire term for what I have been feeling, I don’t think I am alone here, even though the reality is that I feel very much alone, well at certain moments.

Here’s the thing, I thought that I had it pretty good. I had a job that I really loved, and a side hustle that brought me so much joy. When the brewery closed though, things got a little murky. So, I dug deep and wrote a book. Great! But, in today’s climate the best case scenario is that it gets published 2 years from now. Yeah, I have lamented about this before. So, sorry to any regular readers, I’ll get to the point, I feel the career mid-life crisis weighing on my very soul.

So, what brought this all to light? A few weeks ago, I had an interview for a retail management job that I am over qualified for. I answered each question, as if I had been doing it for years. I was flooded with memories of managing a team of women, the hard to please customers, the sales aspects, and the constant nagging of head office to provide all the numbers that honestly in retail is so often beyond your control. I left that interview, defeated, and almost sick to my stomach. Why in the world did I put myself through that 50 minute ordeal?

Just because you can, doesn’t mean that you should. And that, is the crux of it all, figuring out what it is that I should be doing. And well, I have known it all along, but making the actual push and sacrifice to do it, has never been possible, or I guess practical. And it’s still not. It feels like an indulgence, but a very expensive indulgence, and I am uncomfortable that it has taken me so long to say out loud, that getting my full education is worth it. That I am worth it.

If you follow me on social media, maybe you’ve seen this months self love challenge. I have it on Bluesky, but also my lesser known accounts on IG and Facebook for Breaking Away Coaching. It is here, that I am humbly reminded just how important the relationship with self is. And that this relationship needs to be nurtured from time to time. And in this case, it’s time that I give myself a few credentials that will really make me feel like the person I know I want to be.

So, here I am, reminded that the relationship with self, is just as important as the relationships with others. And well, it took writing 2 out 3 on Medium to really get this crisis ball rolling. Ok, fine, the ball has been rolling for a long time, I just have been my stubborn self who wanted to find a solution that didn’t feel like investing in myself, and thereby putting my life on hold.

Thank you all for the likes, shares, and comments which is the best way to support this blog, oh and subscribing to my Patreon!

Breaking Free of Always Being “Sexy”

    K Ghislaine

What a strange title, and yet, here I am using it anyways. The other day, my boyfriend casually mentioned how we were going to grow old together. It wasn’t the first time that he has shared this sentiment, and I chided him by saying that I bet he has said that to all his girlfriends. He stopped everything, and looked at me, saying with 100% certainty that he has never said that before. It was in that moment of sincerity that I too, felt the overwhelming power of who we are together, and the future that we are both working so hard to achieve. Well, and of course in also enjoying as much of the present that we possibly can.

He believes that I am the first person he’s truly wanted to grow old with. And I realized that he is the only man I have been with who wants the future me, as well as the present me. How insane is that, considering I was actually engaged to a man, and had never felt the truth of this statement before. In my past relationships, I have been with men, who wanted to preserve me, to maintain my current looks, weight, and sex appeal. I was someone who was there for the moment, so long as I was my sexy self. What a fucking joke of a statement to write. And yet, that’s the truth of it.

My ex fiancé, did not want me walking around the house naked, because he didn’t want to get sick or bored of seeing me naked. My next long term boyfriend, very early on told me that he had broken up with a girl because she put on too much weight. And there as conversation about him telling a woman he hooked up with, that if she enjoyed him going down on her, she would make sure the next time she was better groomed. There was no mistaking why I was being told these stories. And I took these warnings seriously. Not seriously enough to pack my bags and go find a man who deserved me. But serious enough to stay, and ensure that I took the best care of my image, with the right amount of clothing.

Two relationships, with two very different men, and the commonality, was that I put my sex appeal first and foremost. Either by preservation, or by carefully maintaining my body image. I wrote a few years back about Being Comfortable Naked and it actually makes me a little uncomfortable looking back at my headspace when writing that. Why did it take being around a group of naked, sexy people, for me to embrace my body? Why didn’t this happen in the embrace of the man I was with and supposedly loved?

Today, I feel cherished, loved, and sexy. But I am no longer sexy in the way that turns heads when walking down the street. I have broken away from trying to maintain that side of me. Sure, getting older plays a role in having to accept that I no longer fit into my size zero jeans, with a flat firm tummy. But far more than that, is what I have at home. A man, with whom adores me, and makes me feel like the sexiest woman he’s ever seen, almost every single day! Having that man think I am sexy, is the best feeling in the world. Slowly I am learning to trust the look on his face, instead of the harsh critic that meets me in the mirror. The one that says I am getting too old, putting on too much weight, and have far too much sagging skin. That critic exists, but grow quieter each day, which is great timing because getting younger is not a reality.

I get to grow old with someone who wants to be with me for the adventure. And to anyone reading this, I wish the same for you. If you already know that feeling, tell your partner just once more. And if you’re not there yet, don’t lose hope, it is out there somewhere, and I hope you find each other soon.

Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing this post. And of course a humble thank you to all who subscribe on my Patreon.

It’s 2026!!!

    K Ghislaine
KGB in a sweater, with her hand in a shhh position over the face.

Ok, so this post is super late coming out, and for that all I can say is whoops! As is often the case with me, there is a lot going on. I am working diligently on my second book, while at the same time getting all my ducks in a row to start offering relationship coaching. Yes, yes… I’m back! Well, almost. As much as I want to get listening, and helping again, I really need to get the biggest chunk of this book completed, and I only have a few weeks left to hit my target timeline. So thank you 2026 for the reminder that time, once again ticks!

While resolutions have never really been my jam, the idea of a refresh with each new year is one that I resonate deeply with. The slow grow of the daylight hours, something so critically important to my mental health, and many of those around me, is one that brings a hopeful tone. And if you read anything towards the end of last year of mine, hope was something that I was lacking. While I would glimpse it for moments, the universe just kept knocking the socks off me, and not in a fun, I’m going to get lucky way. No no, it was a constant barrage of what more can I possibly handle?!?

It turns out, I can handle a lot, well, up until the moment I start my maniacal laugh/cry and well, everyone around me knows that I am done. But, those are the places where you dig even deeper, into pure emptiness and persevere, because there is nothing left to lose. Anyways that was then, and this is now, and the sunshine is slowing becoming more prominent. Sure I have quite a few more cold snaps to experience before I can get back to my happy place of writing in the sunshine, but that’s OK, because you guessed it… hope!

And when hope fails, there is sex, lots and lots of stress relief sex! Haha! Speaking of sex, there is an element of my upcoming coaching business that I am struggling with and that is the reaction to my mission statement including the phrase “sex positive”. You read my work, you know what this means to me, but how will this come across to the public? Will this be misconstrued as I am helping with sex? I know in the past, quite a few guys propositioned me to be the 3rd in their fantasies because I said I was sex positive, as a coach. And well, I don’t know yet the work around.

I’m mulling this over, and writing and re-writing my words as I try and figure out the identity of my business, while also maintaining boundaries, and my integrity. If you are reading this and have ideas, please let me know. Well, unless you are inviting me into your bedroom to “coach” you and your partner, then please, refrain. I have had enough of those propositions for a lifetime! If you’ve ever wondered why I am so great at saying no, this has a lot to do with where I had the most practice!

Anyways, cheers to a hopeful 2026! Thank you for reading, subscribing on Patreon, and sharing my journey.

Intent Matters… Then and Now

    K Ghislaine

My boyfriend has been off on a work trip for the past few days, and will finally be driving home to me today. As I prepare the house for his joyous return, I am struck by some hard truths from my past, the then and now of it all, and the realization of just how important intent is to a situation. And of course, how lucky I am to have this incredible man in my life!

As I strip the bed in preparation for new fresh sheets, I know I am doing this out of love. There is something so magical about coming home to fresh sheets, and with our two shedding dogs this is a luxury we are rarely afforded. But as I do this, a memory flashes, of a time and a relationship where fresh sheets meant betrayal, secrecy, and infidelity. The man of my past told me that I was lucky that he respected me so much that he would change the sheets for my arrival. And it became somewhat of a game, to see if I was getting fresh sheets on my visit or not. I mean, not a fun game, more of a horror style game where things jump out at you, and trap you, but still a game.

When the sheets stopped getting changed every visit I knew I had won. My place was set, and my bed was rarely made again. It was a victory, and one that I was empowered by. The intent of changing sheets for the love of my life, is one of pride, and tenderness. Maybe he doesn’t care about fresh sheets, but it’s the thought that matters. I care enough to try. But there is this nagging little voice, that wonders if he is ever suspicious of my motivations. If he ever wonders why I do it, because perhaps in one of his previous relationships he was sheet changer, or had sheets changed for him due to nefarious reasons.

These are the thoughts I try to shut out. I openly share with him my past, and hope that one day, I can leave all the trauma behind me. But unfortunately it takes times, and often posts like this, or the one I wrote on Medium recently about Safe Words. Writing out the differences between then and now. Slowly unpacking intent versus love, and separating the two lives from each other. I am happy, with a relationship built on love, and respect. We have trust in each other and real honesty. And the truth is, I will race to tell him why I changed the sheets, just to be sure and clear of my intent and purpose. I work diligently to make sure he never has to worry, because I know what a relationship of worry and suspicion looks like. I know what it feels like, and no one deserves that…EVER!

Don’t forget to join me on Patreon for behind the scenes pictures, and bonus content! Or just share, like, and comment wherever you read this post, because, yes, I love hearing from you all 🙂

Taking a Hard Look at Myself…

    K Ghislaine

When I was writing my last medium article about Being the Other Partner , I wrote a paragraph on being the other woman myself. I thought I was being honest, but when I went back to edit the piece, I realized that I had in fact written something that was so harsh and critical that it skewed the whole thing. And I began to cry, realizing just how often I have been doing this. In an effort to be accountable and take a long hard look at myself, I have crossed the line of honesty, into a much darker place, whereby I feel like the villain. I did remove the paragraph after I pulled myself together, and what I created I am proud of, well, as proud as I ever let myself be of my writing. Sometimes I think it’s easier to celebrate that I did a thing, versus actually believing that my words have any impact or meaning. Frick, look, I’ve done it again.

For those wondering, well, I wrote that I had a huge relationship regret, that I should have known better, and been smarter and that I feel terrible that I was basically a mistress. I came down hard on myself for not just saying no, and well, the truth is, there is not a whole lot more to the story. Then I created this whole big thing in my head, that truthfully, just wasn’t that doom and gloom. I know the difference, and I have had true hardships and relationship disasters, but my brain, well, it just really wanted me to feel bad about something that I didn’t need to feel bad about. I had a FWB that was always filled with consent, on both sides, and there is no guilt. But, maybe I wanted to feel guilt? I honestly don’t know.

Why, am I my biggest critic these days? I mean, it’s not like I am lacking in the professional rejection department, with my fastest responses record yet for pitching my last book. All no’s so far, if anyone was getting hopeful. So rejection is there. And my body, well, you all know how well, or not well that whole department is going. If not, read pretty much anything from last year and you’ll be caught up. Maybe it’s because I have so much rejection surrounding me, that I’ve somehow become comfortable with it?

You know that person who is always negative, and that is their feedback loop? Negativity breeds more negativity and thus they pretty much create more of it? Living a turbulent and difficult life because that’s what they know and perhaps even feel that they deserve… but I know better. And in person, aside from being a little closer to tears from time to time, I really am happy. In fact, my life has never been better. And yet, what I write, is focused on the dark side.

More and more, I feel like I have to journal, let it out, before I can get down to work. Or do something fun like a sexy photo shoot for Patreon, or just be creative. For the first time in probably 15 years, I broke down sobbing, wishing I could get a hug from my mom. Our relationship is beyond complicated, and I don’t want to open up to her when I’m feeling this vulnerable, but the thought was there. Then I cried some more, took a hot bath, and then was able to get some work done on my next book. The hurdles to get there though, ooph that took a lot out of me.

Maybe it’s the time of year. Losing daylight, feeling the pressures of the impending holiday season, and of course an ever perilous family dynamic, with the loneliness of knowing it’s the first Christmas without my grandfather. These are all real, rational things to take up a little extra space in my brain. But I earnestly wish they would all just fuck off for a little bit, so I can just sit in my happy, and creative bubble. I want to be filled with joy, laughter, and all the amazing things that I know are around me. Life is pretty magical. Why then, do the written words betray me? Why are they tricking me into writing the doom and gloom prior to the happy, and love filled place I actually am in? I truly have so much gratitude for where I am at, now I just need to convince those typing fingers of mine to start relaying the same message!