Staying in My Lane?

For the past year or so, I have shifted my blog into something that felt more authentic to me, and that was my current struggles with getting pregnant. My blog has always been a way for me to sort out the problems facing me, and the questions that I have about new experiences, aka non-monogamy. As a way of keeping me a little grounded and focused, I have tried, really really tried to stay in my lane, whatever that may be in my current time and space. Well, the reality is, that has not brought me any joy. In fact, it has done the opposite, and stifled my creativity. So, change is coming.

In my most recent article for Medium, I got brave and wrote about politics. At first it felt strange and uncomfortable, in that I was deviating from my area of expertise, which is relationships. But the more I wrote, the more I realized that relationships are breaking down every place we look. The us vs them is hurting our ability to fix real problems, or at the very least be able to discuss them. And well, I have simply never hid from a challenge. So let me be clear, it is time we start openly discussing things that are affecting us, hence this post, and the rekindling of my creative juices, and beyond that, who honestly knows.

I believe that my sex positive and relationship fluid background are valuable in today’s very rigid society which I am not a fan of. And it is only by challenging this, with a plethora of voices, mine included that we can get back to a place where argument and discussion have a valid place. Where we are free to ask questions and voice our opinions and, here’s the big thing, listen respectfully to others. Sure, my background is non-monogamy, and questioning relationship norms. And yes, to the casual observer that may not seem like a person who should be expressing themselves freely, but guess what? Having that level of intimacy and interaction with such a broad range of humans makes me perfectly qualified to start addressing things of concern and I need to own that!

I have long maintained that we need to be more accepting of one another. And well, that starts with me. I need to accept that I have a voice, and a platform that can contribute to healthy and honest communication about things that are real, raw, and sometimes taboo.

We have to get past not wanting to offend others and start working towards increasing our understanding and compassion. And we have to do it, with our eyes open. As I mentioned in my last Medium article, we are living in an oil and water society where half want to make their own success and the other half want to help others. Throughout history, this back and forth has created many great things, and I look forward to us getting there again. However it feels like we are in the darkest timeline where there is simply no talking, but rather judgment and hatred for all those who do not share our ideologies without actually talking to them first? We have lost sight of a truth we used to know, that you learn more from someone on the outside, than from someone on the same side as you.

So let me get back to the questioning everything, and the accepting nothing at face value. Life’s far more interesting that way. Are you ready to break away with me? Hahahaha….

To all those on my Patreon… thank you! I hope with the re-imagining of my creative forward blog, that will also increase my ability to post bonus content (which is already up for this post). And if nothing else, December is the month of my Beervent calendar which is always a fun time!

Dear Body: It Has Been So Many Months…

I worked so diligently on really listening and being fully intuitive with my body. It was a long process, but I worked on a lot of emotional trauma, and got to place where I could be gentle with myself and my emotions. I felt empowered by this triumph. I sit here now, realizing that I no longer trust anything my body is doing. The earnest desire to become pregnant has turned all the rational cues I used to rely on, into damn bloody liars! Month after month, I experience every early pregnancy symptom, and month after month, I realize that they were false alarms. It is disheartening to know just how many months we have been trying for.

The best advice, as I’ve mentioned before, is to just relax. When it happens, it happens. And truly there is little more that I can do, beyond what I am doing. My next appointment with the fertility clinic is in a month, and while I have already waited 3, this last one seems the longest. I guess I was hoping that I would be able to tell them, I needed them for a different reason, an early pregnancy. And yet, all signs point to that simply not being possible.

I realized today, that I am 2 cycles away from us trying for a year without success. I cannot believe that it has been almost 9 months since my last chemical. As much as those suck, at least something happened, and my hormones and body changes were the result of something trying to get started. These past 8 months I have experienced varying degrees of symptoms. All different, and all contributing to my roller-coaster of hope versus despair.

It’s so odd, that I can be with the most wonderful man in the world, who makes me feel like a god damn queen, who has never been this happy. But, that I am also able to still feel the agony of my body letting us both down. The harder you love, the harder you fall I suppose. The range of emotions just gets deeper and deeper as your experiences increase. I suppose in a way, that is healthy, and a good sign that I am truly living life to the fullest, but there is darkness. As I type, Time in a Bottle, by Jim Croce plays in the background, and it’s true, there just never seems to be enough time. And that means I cannot waste any energy feeling sorry for myself, that we just haven’t conceived in such a long time. But saying the thing that makes sense, and believing the thing are two vastly different states of mind. I fear my rational one, is losing out to the hormonal one far more often than I am comfortable with.

Vulnerability is beautiful in so many ways. And it allows a person to really love, and feel, and I am grateful that I overcame so much to get here. I feel whole, and intense. But also a little wild, and out of control, which doesn’t suit me. That side lets in the fear. The fear that I might lose control, and just wind up in a puddle on the floor, unable to snap myself out of the void. My only saving grace is that I know I am not alone. There are people in my life who I can wholeheartedly rely on to keep me sane. I trust them with my heart, and my volatility, because they are flawed humans who love as I do. We have trust, compassion, and empathy for all that makes us humans. And it is this that keeps me going. This network of support that rises above the pain I feel on a monthly basis.

We keep trying. It’s all we can do. And I keep picking myself up off the floor, because as it turns out, reaching rock bottom is the biggest lie we tell ourselves to keep on trucking. I hope, I will be able to start rebuilding trust with my body sooner rather than later. For now, I am helpless. And at the mercy of my body, and the hormones that take over more often than not. One day, I will hold that baby in my arms… I will.

Thank you all for the love and support during this time. A special shout-out to those on my Patreon who have access to all the behind the scenes, including my newest project… a Podcast, because yes, distraction keeps me going!!!

Miscarriage: My Poetic Rant

Questions Without Answers

It is not your fault

May I repeat it is not your fault

But what about the hot bath I took?

Or the beer I had before I knew I was pregnant?

No, it is not your fault

But what about the sex, or using my vibrator, could that be to blame?

There just must be something to blame, someone, oh it must be me

So many questions but no satisfying answers

It happens,  it is normal, your body knows what’s best

The wrong signals were sent, the womb was confused, everything was out of your control

It is not your fault

I repeat, it is not your fault

But who’s fault is it?

Why did it happen?

And how can I prevent it happening again?

You can’t, you won’t, somethings just are what they are

The numbers they swirl,

40

You are old, it is too late

20%

It is going to happen again

50%

Your quality is diminished

I cry

So it is my fault

I waited too late

I did everything wrong

I am to blame

No, it is not your fault

You are not to blame

It happens, it is OK

You will try again, you will find a way because it is what you do best

Remember, it is OK, it is not your fault

We love you

I Love You

Thank you all for the love and support on here, social media, and on Patreon. For the likes, shares, comments, and private words of encouragement. It’s nice not to be alone.

The Two Week Limbo

If time wasn’t a factor I “would love to just, “let things happen” so to speak, but I am 40. I pour over the stats saying that the old you get, the likely hood of getting pregnant reduces by not just a few points, but by entire percentages. It’s daunting. And let us not forget, that looming, very close by now, is the possibility of peri-menopause, and ultimately, the ending of my egg producing power. I tremble as I write that. It looms, ominously over my head, taunting me. I haven’t feared getting older like this before. Please body, please on please just let me pop out a couple of healthy babies before you shut that down, I plea through tears as I enter the dreaded two week limbo.

If I had met this man 10 years earlier, well, everything would be different, and if I go down that rabbit hole, the truth is, we probably wouldn’t have been as compatible as we are now. So, I won’t lament, or regret the things that cannot be, other than to say, trying to conceive would have been easier. And on that note, trying to have a baby, is so much more of everything than I ever could have imagines.

The pros of course, include sex, more sex, and intimacy that is nothing short of miraculous. Two people, coming together, trying to start a life, because we are truly in love, and want a family is more than I could have imagined as a youth. The butterflies in my stomach feeling is ongoing, and is blissful, calming, and exciting all at the same time. I love just laying in his arms afterwards, calm, fulfilled, and in an enjoyment of the silence of my wondering, pondering brain. There is nothing quite like that kind of sex. All risk is gone, and what it left is possibilities, and happiness. Oh and sweet sweet satisfaction.

The cons however, creep into my mind, very shortly afterwards. During the past 5 years, I worked very diligently to listen and react to my body, mind, and emotions. Through yoga, writing, and the ear of an amazing woman, I became more in tune with everything internal. Overall, this has brought me great strength, honed my empathy, and allowed me the permission to listen to my body cues, and rest when needed. Something that I have never been able to do before. Unfortunately, being so in tune with my inner working, I am also more susceptible to noticing changes in my body.

(Affiliate Link)

As I mentioned in my previous post, my hormones are raging, and causing nothing short of chaos during the 2 weeks after ovulation. I feel everything! And let me tell you, that ride is no fun. If you Google early pregnancy symptoms, PMS, and ovulation, there is so much overlap between them, that there is zero telling what is actually going on. And for added fun, there is simply no method of testing to tell you the truth of your body. At least nothing in a cost effective, at home, peace of mind type way. Pregnancy test only work accurately when you miss your period. Blood tests tell you thing much sooner, but, you need to see your Dr. for a referral, and that usually takes the same amount of time. There are urine test, and thermometers for ovulation prediction, but that still leaves you with the 2 weeks until your period arrives to contend with.

Some of you might be saying, “it’s only 2 weeks” that’s nothing in the grand scheme of things! But during those two weeks, your hormones are doing all of the things. And as added fun, I found out recently, that many women experience an increase of hormonal fluctuations as they grow closer, and close to menopause. For those who don’t or didn’t, I am so envious of you, because the last few months has included more emotional breakdowns than I think the rest of my PMS combined. Maybe a slight exaggeration, for dramatic effect, to drive home the point of my exhaustion.

Dearly, I would love to just stop listening to my body. To go with the flow, and say, c’est la vie! Followed by que sera, sera. But, to go full circle in this post, I am 40. Time is not on my side. Egg quality is diminishing. My chances are going down exponentially, and as my Dr. informed me, my problem is not infertility (due to my miscarriages), so… something else is going on, that I am certain time will not just fix. Argh!!! So I sit here, venting this all out in a effort to quiet the noises of hormones in my head long enough to focus on pitching my book. Fingers crossed, everything works out in my head!

If you liked this post, resonated with it, or want to help me on my publishing journey, please consider sharing, commenting, or supporting me on Patreon.

We’re Trying…

What a terrifying thing to admit.  Are we even allowed to do that?  This is something couples keep to themselves until the 3 month mark is over, then you announce.  But the thing is, the 3 month part is the hardest.  It’s the most nerve wracking, and the most traumatic, especially when things go wrong.  Or even when things go right, or so I assume, because it’s your first time and you’re terrified.

I’ve recently had things go wrong.  It was awful,  but we both persevered like you’re supposed to.  We grieved together, but remained separated from the world.  When I went to work, I pretended that everything was ok.  Then I would breakdown at home, where I would face another reality of the miscarriage, and then another. The isolation, and the pretending everything is alright is exhausting. It takes a toll on you. On your womanhood, or manhood, or all the things that creep into your minds as you go from hope and wonderment, to letdown, and sadness.

The medical professionals tell you, especially with the first one that’s It’s not your fault.  It’s common.  You google the stats and see about 1/4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.   But is that true?  Was mine recorded?  Am I a statistic or just another unrecorded woman who went through something we aren’t supposed to talk about? Will I go through it again? Can I persevere through another failure?

And don’t get me started on the burden and grief and sheer helplessness that is felt by our partners.  Is that what being a future parent is really about? Taking your lumps in silence and then only talking about things when they are good?  I hate the silence.   I hate that we went through that alone. 

So, I’m changing the conversation.  We are trying to have a baby.  I’m now 40 and that’s scary. 

But also incredibly fun, and so hot, and all the amazing things that sex can be, especially with the best partner that you have ever been with. If we don’t start trying now, the reality is, we will be out of time. Biology doesn’t let a woman have babies at any point in her life, my biological clock is screaming. Men, yet again have hit the procreation jackpot. They can always have babies, well almost. Whereas me? I simply cannot wait anymore to try. And because I have found the man of my dreams, who is on the absolute same page as me, it’s simply a matter of can we, rather than do we want to. So, we are trying… to have a baby.

And yes, I am terrified of bringing any of you readers along for the journey. For sharing the private, personal, and all the jazz in between. But here I am, being vulnerable and raw, again!

Thank you for all who have supported me over on Patreon. I am getting back into the habit of taking being the scenes photos, and this post is no exception. So, enjoy!