Hate is Hate is Hate: Get Out of Your Echo Chamber

More Plants, and Less Hate

Well, with another election completed I sit here drained and upset, not with the results, but with the hatred. I firmly believe that love is love.  In fact, I am writing a whole series on Medium about my exploration of love and everything that non-monogamy helped me explore.  You know, the whole, love takes many forms, shapes, and sizes.  It’s a beautiful thing, and if there is anything I would love to be remembered for, it is overcoming many obstacles, and instead of being bitter, or angry, actually showing a side of playful fun, laughter, and love.  Yup.  Pretty simple.  I want to love and be loved, in an aura of happiness and bliss.  Doesn’t that sound lovely?

But, again, here I sit, unfriending people from my real life networking who are spewing hate.  The problem is, they don’t seem to realize they are doing it.  They truly believe that they are on the side of good, and that my friends is the hypocrisy that I simply cannot tolerate.  The world needs people to fight for, and speak up for those who are unable to.  We all deserve love, safety, security, and access to more than basic human rights.  For all these things, we often require advocates with whom can recognize when things are unfair and enact real change for these humans.  This is the compassion and empathy that our world needs more of. 

What we don’t need, is people who go too far in this mission.  The people who become blinded in their own self righteousness brings those further away from the “them”. With the result being… more separation.  We must find a way to start opening the conversations.  We must all, suspend our disbelief for a few moments that we have “enemies” and reflect that perhaps we are all humans and it may be more effective to listen than yell. I know, I know, it sounds crazy.

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I wrote this post mainly, because we just had an election in my province, and that I was unfriending people who were displaying hypocrisy.  I wanted to explore that, acknowledging that yes, I am erring too. The complexity of this issue is that there are people I know I just cannot reach. And there is an element of self care, that comes from putting a little separation between people who are just so far gone, that it is draining to even be in their presence.  While I do wish I could talk to these people, one on one, I simply don’t have the energy for that large of a battle.  Echo chambers are frightening places right now, and waking up all those hornets is going to get me stung. 

This piece is more a start for me.  To ensure I know what my long term goal is.  You know, the ultimate legacy that I want to leave for future generations.  Big words, dreaming big, and envisioning a world with love, empathy, and compassion.  How will we get there?  By listening to people who may not share our views, and trying to find common ground.  But doing so only when we can, and understanding that sometimes it is OK to just close a door for a few moments, and let some of the emotion simmer out. 

As I was reminded a few days ago, after a rant and rave of a horrible customer, perhaps all he needed was a hug and someone to listen to him.  We live in complex times.  And I recognize that there is more to learn by asking questions, rather than having all the answers.  And that is a start to neutralizing hate. Oh and could we please stop telling people who to vote for, and start having arguments and debate again?!? That would be swell…

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Writing the Hard Stuff: Book Lament

Stretch

One of the things I pride myself on is being able to write in an authentic way, be it good, bad, or just weird. The thing about this book writing part though, is it’s even tougher, and has brought me to tears more often than I ever thought possible. Yesterday, I actually wrote myself a little motivational cue card in hopes that reading it would help, with my book writing lamenting.

For those who don’t know, I am writing a memoir of sorts, of my experiences in non-monogamy. There are a lot of words written, and it is so close to being done, however, there this internal struggle with being real about how I experienced things outside of monogamy, and not wanting to be all doom and gloom. That decade was hard. It was filled with challenges, and there are days that I lament the fact that I felt so alone exploring it. There are so many wonderful people that I met, and such incredibly hot moments, but looking back, it took a lot out of me.

I was not experiencing things in the manor that made me feel safe, cherished, or even loved. And that is difficult for me to rectify. With that in mind, I don’t want my book to read like a horror story (OK that is being really dramatic and it’s not even close). Instead I want it to be an adventure story, that cherishes all the incredible things that happened, but, I just can’t tell that story, because it is not authentic.

To balance things out, I have started a few posts on Medium that aim to share what my takeaway is on the complexities of love and what each relationship norm or not norm can bring to the table, in Love Explored (Which you can purchase a membership via Medium directly, to explore so many amazing writers!). Writing this helps ground me, to be able to look towards the possibilities and the lessons I wish I got to experience first hand, far more often than I did. That decade of my life, forever changed me, and I’m so glad it made me a more loving and accepting person, rather than the biter and angry individual it very easily could have.

I’m trying to be brave, authentic, and articulate in how I remember my life. I hope that’s what my finished product shows. I really, earnestly do. But, I suppose that will be in the eyes of the reader to discover, when it is finally finished. It’s the big push to work through these hard emotions, and I thank each and everyone of you who have offered encouragement, listened to me babble things out, and who have joined me for drinks or bought me beer. Soon….

So Many Changes…

Changes

I know I have been absent from writing for far too long. First, it was the result of falling head over heels in love, and not wanting my posts to be filled with the braggadocio rhetoric that I felt would be the result. Then, something actually happened that stopped my writing in its very tracks. While I am not quite ready to write about that particular subject matter, I will say, that in time, I know I will feel brave enough to give it the space it deserves. Until then, we have this little update post filled with a few of my many changes.

As of today, I am all settled into a new home, with a man I absolutely adore, and finally believe people when they say I look happy, that I deserve it.

This blog, has always been a safe space for me to explore my thoughts, feelings, and formulate the goings on of my brain into almost cohesive thoughts. When I was breaking away from monogamy, this space saved my sanity. It allowed me to connect with like minded individuals, and it gave me space to explore all the things that I needed to explore. Being a sexual being, and fluid in so many ways, this outlet, well, I cannot even begin to express how it helped change me into who I am proud to be in this moment.

(affiliate post)

That being said, there are changes happening. And I truly believe that I am finally on the path that I am meant to be. It was in breaking away from monogamy that I found out who I am. And thus, the title of this blog will remain the same. But, what I write about, on a forward basis, will inevitably be a little different. Why? Because in falling in love, I finally feel this completeness of mind and soul. And that is what I earnestly want to throw all my attention at. This one soul, who has captivated me, and absolutely adores me, and I feel the exact same way about.

I have no crystal ball, nor any magical ability to see what the future holds. All I do know, is my past was key to me finding this man. Just as his past, made him the man that I am in love with. This blog was born out of heartbreak, and now, it will be evolving due to love. Simple, beautiful, and incredible love. Maybe you’ll stick around to see where my musings take me, or maybe you’ll take your leave. Either way, thank you for reading (and supporting me on Patreon). I am so excited for my future, and I hope that you’ll stop in from time to time to see where that takes me.

Wait?! Falling in Love is Real?

First bouquet of flowers

I have worked my butt off to be great when it comes to relationships.  I even wrote a post touting all the books that helped shape who I am as a person, and why I communicate the way I do.  Wonderful!  I have done extensive writing, journaling, and research into chasing butterflies, and dealing with aftershocks and all the fun moments in time that I have experienced over the years.  Amazing.  Yay me!  Then I went a step farther and read a book called “Why We Love” by Dr. Anna Machin.  Even better, now I could add to my resume, the scientific knowledge behind why love is so important to how we socialize as humans.  Our basic survival actually depends on it.  Again, Wow!  My pragmatic and rational side really came through for me, but wait, never once did I talk about falling in love. 

Why? Because honestly, that just wasn’t something I factored into the equation. In fact, I think I had been so jaded about the whole finding someone to spend time with, I forgot that part even existed.  And that’s not entirely my fault, well, maybe it is. I know I fell in love with my ex fiance.  But, honestly, I can’t remember what that felt like.  Sure it was a long time ago, but also, pretty much everything in my life was going on. I met him at the tender age of 17, when we were both in university, and we just fell into stride with one another. Experiencing pretty much every first in tandem, builds something pretty unique, but, honestly, nothing all that memorable.

Then there was my next long term partnership, which was pretty much non-stop adventure.  And love, just wasn’t logical in the sense of anything I had experienced before. And because that is such a tough one to explain, I am almost finished writing an entire book on it.  One thing I don’t think I touched on in it, and maybe I should add it to the summary is how we came to the conclusion of love.  I think I said it about 6 months into the relationship, and I believe he said it back about 6 months after that.  It was slow as molasses.  And it wasn’t the experience of falling in love.  It was more of an inevitability that grew into a partnership.

Here I sit though, realizing that I am falling head over heels for someone pretty incredible. I actually am experiencing the whooshing of falling feeling, and the holy shit this is moving way to fast, but… I don’t want to stop or catch my breath.  The whole desire to spend every waking moment with him is so supremely real that I cannot help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. And yet, we are both so happy, ready for this, and open to seeing where this goes.  The idea that your person is out there, you can actually talk about everything and your bodies fit together in magical perfection? Brain is exploding here. I’m 39, and I am experiencing firsthand the concept of falling in love, and redundant or not, I love it.

Thank you to everyone who has helped the book writing process by fuelling me with beer via my Patreon!

It’s Time for Yet Another Birthday…

AKA The Dreaded 39

Birthdays, Beer, and Bowser!

Next week, I’m turning the dreaded 39. It is not that I am afraid or uncomfortable about getting older, I just don’t enjoy this particular number. Odd numbers are just more difficult for me in general, but this one, it just hits harder for some reason.  In my mind 39 feels ugly, if that makes any sense.  Which truly is odd because it is one of the more interesting numbers to turn from a mathematical perspective will all the divisible delights. I should be more OK with it than I am.  And yet, here I sit, quite puzzled by where I am at in the grand scheme of things.

My book, is in its finally stages.  I am currently experiencing NRE (New Relationship Energy) like I have NEVER experienced before.  And I have experienced more days than not in the past few months whereby I feel like the best version of myself. All in all, I am happy with my present, and optimistic about my future.  The hard work I have put into pretty much everything is finally showing me a little bit of a return for investment. But again… why reach this place when turning 39???

Last year, I wrote about my 38th birthday in: 38 My Year of the Flamingo | Breaking Away from Monogamy and it really was.  I begrudgingly accepted being single, and put my effort into accomplishing my goals.  Embracing my awkward flamingo self helped me laugh off the many, many, many, moments of self doubt, loneliness, and outright failures.  I can honestly say that while I embraced being that lone entity standing in the middle of water, it was a very slow process for me to open my eyes to those who were around me.  There were definitely a few cuts that were made, but surprisingly more often than not, I started to really feel honest gratitude towards those who I found myself standing close to.  While we all have our own unique paths, my flock is incredibly amazing, and over the last year, I have taken the time to seriously reflect on how and why that happened.

It turns out that it wasn’t by chance.  I realized, that I have been putting direct, and clear messaging out into the universe about who I wanted in my life. This, has been a major turning point for me, because my previous experiences taught me that self-preservation was made possible only by recognizing what I didn’t want.  I didn’t feel brave or confident enough to just ask for what I did want.  I am humbled by the realization that being clear and communicative with both myself and those around me, is working.

The word working, doesn’t quite convey the sentiment, but, it’s a starting point, and I think reflects what I really feel in this moment. I don’t want to get too excited, because with the book especially, there is still a long and arduous journey to go.  And although difficult, I’m being fed on more than just hopes and dreams right now.  I am actually feeling re-filled, and energized from entities that are not just self created. 

39 is still a weird number to me.  But, I think I am going to look back and laugh at how strange this number felt, by this time next year.  I’m cautiously optimistic that I have just found something dare I say someone pretty incredible, and that finally finishing my book is going to provide me with… well… something fairly monumental.  And none of this would be made possible without the incredible inner circle that I have in my life right now, and in this moment… I truly love you all!

A heartfelt cheers to all past and present who have bought me birthday beer either in person or via my Patreon! If you haven’t yet, don’t worry, there is always time!