An Almost, and The Greatest Gift

My Breakup Reflection

Beerlover_Boobowner (IG)

I should be crying right now, as we are want to do with a breakup reflection. In fact, I should be going through all the typical heartbreak experiences that rejection should offer me. And yet, I am not. In fact, I am feeling confident, excited, and really hopeful. I let my heart take the lead a few weeks ago, and reach out to someone that I had grown to care deeply for. I forced my head to just take a break from over analyzing and telling me all the rational things that it normally would to prevent the impulsive text. But, I did it anyways… stone cold sober, in the middle of the afternoon.

What resulted was the most delightful afternoon I had experienced in a very long time. There was laughter, sex, and real intimacy. I was on cloud nine. And again, forced that brain of mine to just let it ride. The heart was taking a chance.

Sadly, it didn’t last, due to timing and all manor of things that are out of my control. Of course being told that hurt, and I did choke up at the notion that this was possibly a one time deal. But, there was something else, something much more interesting. This lingering feeling of hope.  Here exists a man who enjoys my company, we make each other blissfully happy, and he likes me for who I am. There is no hiding, or need to impress. I feel free to act with impulse, hold nothing back, and just exist as the passionate and emotional soul that I am. And yes, if you read my last post, it came on the backside of understanding that I need to take risks. To be assertive and just go for what I want and deserve.

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He is not with me right now, because he is in the middle of finding out who he is. And the incredibly amazing thing is, he is doing the soul searching for himself. I have mad respect for a person owning their shit. For recognizing that they are not quite where they want to be in life, and need more time to figure it out. All I ask for is truth and realness. It is always OK to admit that you just don’t know. Or that you’re not ready, or of course my dream, that someone wants to just run away with me and fall head over heals in a way that makes no sense to the world…. Hahaha!

So here I sit, humbled by the knowledge that someone could just love me, and not ask me to jump through hoops or prove my worth or value. I… didn’t actually know that was possible. And now, I am riding high on this beautiful gift that this amazing man has given me, and he currently has no idea. Maybe if we maintain a friendship, I can share this with him. For now, he has asked for space, and it is the very least I can give him.  He is not ready for a relationship, but… if he was he would be willing to be in one with me. The power of hearing those words from another’s lips is… intense.

I found one of the good ones, and he thinks I’m a good one too. Life is just a crazy ride isn’t it?

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I Give: Dating is HARD!

A Brief Vent

Beerlover_Boobowner (IG)

There is something that I’ve been doing lately, it’s driving me nuts, and proving to be a much harder habit to break than I could have imagined. And that is uttering the words “I give” when it comes to the men coming in and out of my life. The frustration I feel with men, is growing into resentment, and actually creating an alter ego in me, far removed from my core value of never giving up on people. I am loyal, almost to the point of fault. That being said, the growing disappointment in men just not owning their shit, or being honest and telling me there is a problem, or just plain old breaking up with me is making me jaded. This year I was full on ghosted after a few months of dating, and then I had one of closest male friends just up and stop responding to my texts. And please don’t get me started on the 2 or 3 dates and done guys.

Look, I am a realist, and recognize that it’s going to take a while to find somebody I want to settle down with, but sheesh… can we not just have some fun first? And when the fun is not there, simply own your feelings and tell me! Crazy fun fact, did you know you can tell a person that you’re not sure what you’re feeling and if you see a future? Did you know that you can simply be honest that you don’t know where you’re at in life? Or more to the point, just tell me whatever you’re feeling or not feeling, and the allow me the courtesy of closure or at the very least not guessing? Wanna break the old adage of women having to be mind readers? Why not just be honest!?!

I know breakups suck. Being broken up with and then realizing that you will still be living with the person who broke your heart is a real thing I have experienced. Or that “fun” time, I broke up with a guy, and my then partner still wanted to date his wife.  Talk about awkward situation, but, we all talked it through and made the best decisions we could. Or how about the time I ended an engagement? Seriously, I understand the pain involved in the discussions that things aren’t working for whatever reason. But you know what’s actually worse? The not knowing. When someone just walks away and doesn’t even say goodbye. Or the person who just won’t admit to themselves or to others what they are really feeling. And let us not forget the person who was terrified of falling in love with me, so just up and left. Le sigh…

So here I sit, trying to find some way of removing the “I give” from my vocabulary when men do, what men have been doing to me for far too long. It’s a struggle. And that hope that someday, I won’t feel this way is faltering more times than I want to admit. I don’t want to feel like I’m giving up, however, no one seems to want to step up and be worthy of my time and affection. With this revelation, I know why I’m struggling to replace I give… because there isn’t anything to replace it with. I am exhausted. And I am tired of feeling hopeful, and then being faced with the stark nothingness of it all, because I don’t even get goodbyes. So, I guess I have to stop fighting this, and just accept, that currently, I don’t have anything to give. End RANT!

Thank you to everyone who has supplied me with beer money during this difficult dating journey via my Patreon!

First Polyamorous Inklings… In a Long TIME!

A little saucy angel?

My dating skills are a little rusty, having properly isolated for both my mental health and safety for pretty much the entirety of 2020 and beyond.  Taking an entire year off of kissing, and new relationship butterflies, did something strange. It made the fireworks of a few first kisses with new people pretty much off the charts.  And well, that confused my little soul. Was the chemistry the start of something real, and intense? Or simply the result of being in isolation for so long, and my bodies way of responding with heightened sensitivity? Or, are these the remnants of being open for so long, or maybe the first polyamorous inklings in a long time!

I’m not really looking for an answer, but what I am discovering is underneath all of that, was a part of me that I thought could have been damaged beyond repair, my ability to explore my polyamorous side again. I had someone very dear to me, ask if I could go back to non-monogamy, and my only answer at the time was “I don’t know”.  I spoke out of a place of hurt, and damage. And believe me when I say I have put a lot of effort into healing those deep wounds.  Being both gender and relationship fluid, I have always been open to the possibilities, but, I was expecting that someone else would take a bit of that lead.  That I would fall in love, and, the natural course of life would occur.

But, here I sit, wondering if I am about to take the reigns. If perhaps I am going to take control and guide the next few men or women in my life towards something that I desire.  2021 is all about me taking back ownership of my life, my home, and my future. That being said, I have loved the fantasy of being swept off my feet. And that has me wondering, if perhaps, I am about to sweep myself off my feet. Is that even a thing? Can I be happy in control of my relationships? Is that a dynamic that will bring me joy? I have no clue, but after kissing a new guy, I desperately wanted to go run and share the moment with someone special.  And I have not felt that desire in a long time. Having had to be closed, and keep my own secrets for longer than I care to admit, made it the default that I am now questioning.

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Does this post even make any sense? Maybe it’s not supposed to because I am in a place of change, growth, and more importantly, I have felt more happiness in the day to day, than I have in years. And the only thing I can attribute that to is the hope I have with some amazing people, and the fact that I have shut off the one big burden that closed me off. Which is a state of being I never want to experience again.

The feelings right now are subtle. Those little butterflies building for multiple people, and wanting share everything I’m doing with them feels strange, and a little uncomfortable, but in a good and hopeful way. And without the protective comfort of a long term, stable partner to come home to, I think is where I’m a little baffled. I’m taking the role of the stable one, and providing the inner strength all on my own. I feel empowered to vocalize what I want. To do the check-ins, and not settle for the person who just let’s me flounder. I have a funny feeling these next few months are going to be very interesting…

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Hypocrite You Say? Posting Sexy Photos is NOT an Invitation for Sexism or Trolls

Beerlover_boobowner

Last year I wrote an article for Medium, with regards to this pervasive myth that it’s easier for woman to write about sex than men, and if you haven’t already, I do hope you give it a read for a little extra context for what I want to rant a bit about on here.  And perhaps, I will be able to formulate these rants into a more cohesive article for medium. But, for the time being, I want to address this hypocritical murmur I am hearing with regards to my boob forward images, and my hard stance against sexism and harassment.  I am body and sex positive, and no that does not mean that I or anyone else who creates content, is therefor open to sexism or harassment.  And the irony is not lost on me that I am writing this rant only a week after boldly re-claiming my power, but I guess, my boldness adds fodder to the trolls and hypocrite criers.  Ugh.

When I post boobs and beer on Instagram, that is my celebration of two things I love. And when I post bonus content on my Patreon (for a small subscription or one time fee) it is because, I deserve to get a little kickback for all the free content I put out there. Plain and simple. And yeah, admitting that I deserve a little money for what I do, is a tough thing to write down, and own.  Phew, glad I got that out of the way. And now onto the hypocrisy of it all.

One of the little notes I sent myself when mulling over how I wanted boobs, beer, and vinyl to look and feel was “Sex and nudity should be normalized, fun, and playful”. And yes, I send a lot of little notes to myself in between writing sessions. The thing about this one is, it is important to me that my images not just be sexy, shot in the best lighting ever, or even filtered. Why? Because real, and raw is who I am, with an element of playful and random.  That to me, is the key to embracing body positivity and normalizing nudity and the enjoyment of the naked body.  Of course with IG, nudity of any sort is forbidden, so I have to work within the parameters of their platform.  Which is perfectly fine with me, and presents a fun little challenge of riding that fine line.

But there are a few things I need to get right out there in the open.  There is nothing hypocritical about my strong stance against sexism and my fun desire to be sexy and playful with my photographs and selfies.  If you, have ever thought that I bring on the harassment and abuse myself due to my content that I put out into the world, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! Let me be very clear, we cannot become a sex positive culture if we shame people for putting out content that is sexual  or suggestive in nature.  As I wrote in my Medium article, it is not easy putting intimate content out for public consumption. Trolls are the worst, and stalkers, are real. I have feared for my safety a number of times over the years, and even changed my nudity policy for my blog articles (if you’re a regular reader, I know you’re sick of me writing that down, but it still irks me that I had to do that).

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I have tried to understand the correlation between writing the word sex and getting trolled. I just don’t understand. Why when people read the phrase sex positive do they short circuit and assume that I’m down to fuck or that I want to talk about sex and my personal life with strangers? I call it trolling simply because it’s something that rational people in the real world would never do. Anonymity creates a seemingly safe space for creeps.  And I put content out, in a lot of places, thus there is a never ending stream of violations towards my privacy, sanity, and sexual well being. And no, it should not be this way, nor should I simply accept the fact because I write or photograph “sex” themed content at times.  And yet, in the real world, actual acquaintances of mine believe that this is par for the course and I bring this on myself. Ugh!  But I don’t do this simply for attention, and definitely not for the money.  I do this because it’s what I want to write about, what I am passionate about photographing, and what fuels me. 

And there is another element to this, a much more personal one.  Yesterday, I was in a terrible mood, and you know what made me cheer up? Taking the time to grab a beer, put on a silly bikini to match a vinyl cover, and plan a little photo shoot in my living room.  I got my brain to think about something fun, had tunes going, and cracked a beer.  Doing this little selfie absolutely got me out of my head, and brought some playfulness from my living room, and after I shared with those on my social media. It was truly a mental boost for me. And how in the world can that be wrong?

So, if you are one of those in the background thinking that I bring on harassment or sexism myself, it is time to look in the mirror and reflect on why you hold onto those misguided values. I dress for my own pleasure, and I take photos to bring me joy.  If you in turn believe that I deserve my trolls, or it should be expected in today’s day and age, please let me know, and I will provide you with some amazing resources to help shake you out of that frame of mind. Putting myself out there is rarely easy.  It is often uncomfortable, and hot damn do I wish some days that people would appreciate the work and pay me fairly for it. With that all aside, I more often than not, understand that what I do is important. And that there is value in what I put out there, and I remain hopeful that one day the effort will pay off. Or at the very least, I can stop ranting about all those who call me a hypocrite.

Challenge Time: I want each of you to give a shout-out to someone who embodies a sex positive trait that you admire, or someone you admire for the content they create! Comment on this post, Twitter, Facebook, or wherever you read this blog!

Writing About Harassment and Sexism

Re-Claiming My Power

Boobs and Beer

I often say the words, “I have no choice but to be a writer”. While this sentiment is often a playful one, born out of the randomness that makes up my life, putting together my recent article on Sexism and Harassment in Craft Beer really drove the point home. I anguished for nearly two weeks writing it. I ended up with nearly 7 pages of draft paragraphs and notes.  And, I cried, raged, drank, and even had a few nightmares mixed in.  Coming face to face with all the sexism and harassment that I have faced over the years was brutal. Writing it down on paper made it real. And I had to make decisions about what I wanted to go public with, and what I was going to one day delete and just pretend never happened.  It made me feel raw, vulnerable, and quite alone.

But here’s the thing, as soon as it was published, a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I was able to let go, and break free of so much anger that had been building up in me. Not only did I put myself out there as a real person, but, I created a plan of action on my Instagram which celebrates beer and boobs in an ethical way. And that is why I write.  That is why I went through all the pain, and anguish.  To come to a place where I could share my thoughts, and create a clear path for what I want my future to be.  Re-claiming my power.

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I have always wanted to normalize conversations and images about sex, and sexiness. I can’t pretend I do not have boobs just so I no longer invite sexism or harassment. That’s not a solution.  What I can do is talk about it, take fun and sexy photo’s, put content out into the world that I enjoy, and then talk about it. When a person crosses a line or boundary, we can talk about it, educate, and create a more sex positive environment. Again, this will not happen by turning a blind eye to the problem, or censoring the issues.

This behind the scenes post was going to include all the moments I didn’t feel safe putting out there to strangers about my sexual harassment in my Medium article.  But, instead, I was able to delete all the pain, and get really excited about the possibilities that putting myself out there in an authentic way has. This, is why I write. This is why it’s important for me to speak up against sexual harassment, and sexism.  It’s not a choice, it’s just who I am.  Writing empowers me, and knowing how much relief I have in publishing that article, I think it’s time to get that book finished… don’t you?

If you want to help fuel my writing needs, please consider subscribing to my Patreon.  And yes, next month is going to be vinyl, boobs, and beer on IG with NSFW on BreakingAway (Patreon)… enjoy!