Being a Disappointment

Serenity Now!

The last text I received from my ex step dad, was his proclamation of how disappointed was in me (And I’m guessing still is). The text came after I sent him my condolences for his mother passing away. I was gutted. Obviously there is a long backstory there, of which I wrote about on my gaslighting pieces, and suffice it to say, our relationship imploded. Enough time has passed, and active healing on my part, to allow me to type this paragraph without crying. And that is a huge deal for me. However, the soul crushing idea that I could disappoint someone I love or who loves me, is one of those things I’m not sure I can ever overcome completely.

So, here is my current struggle. I am immensely proud of this blog, and all the words I have put onto various pages over the years. But, there is a fear, that someone I start to care about, would be disappointed to learn about my past. Or, would be embarrassed to tell their family about the subject matters I have broached over the years. I wake up in the middle of the night more often than not gripping the sheets tightly, having just dreamt that I have been “found out”.

In the calm moments of the day, I can rationalize that I am the compassionate, and loving person that I am today because of all my experiences. And while I desperately want to believe the truth of someone loving me for all my scars and experiences, historically, that has not been the case. I have never been loved by a partner, for the good, bad, and ugly. So, it is hard to trust in the right person being out there, with whom this will happen.

The guy I recently started seeing is amazing. He is good, kind, and we fit together sexually in the most incredible way. But, I worry that I am not good enough for him. That some how I don’t deserve this level of happiness. That I am only worthy of the challenging men, the broken men, and the people who make we work to earn their love.  Ok, now I’m crying.

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To combat this feeling of insecurity and the belief that I am not good enough, I have positive affirmations written on my white board that say things like, “enjoy the happy ride”, “mutual love”, and the like. I am working diligently to break free of this idea that I am not worthy. But, it’s a challenge. I historically have over compensated in relationships to ensure that I am never a disappointment, however, I always am. I end up alone, forging ahead with determination, and a that intense survival mechanism that always allows me to rebuild and move on. And it is insanity to look back and see just how many times I have done that over my lifetime.

I don’t want it to seem like my life has been any more challenging than anyone else’s. Life is not easy, for anyone. And it is with that compassion that I openly accept all the faults of new prospects in my life. I just hope, someday, someone will do the same for me. That somewhere there is a person, who will do the same for me. And perhaps, maybe, I won’t be a disappointment.

Thank you to all who have liked, shared, and supported me over the years. And a special thank you to all who have fuelled my beer fund!

2021 – Real and Raw

Real and Raw for 2021

Over the past few weeks I have written some pretty great rants for my blog.  And then I read them over, and realize that nope, they are not for public consumption. Instead they are tough conversation starters that I need to have at home. And it’s funny, that that was why I started blogging in the first place, writing out the hard questions (It was called question everything). Before I developed the skills to talk about the hard stuff, I would write them down, in an ambiguous way and then just hope that the person they were about would read them, and just intuitively decode the message and we could talk about things. Spoiler alert… it NEVER happened.

But, I did get practice writing rants, raves, and general queries out to collect my thoughts. Which turned into better clarity when talking about all the difficulties in my relationship, and of course led to real changes or realizations that things had to be accepted or move on. So why am I sharing this with you? Because my friends, that is who I am. I am real, and raw and ready to tackle 2021. So get ready because I am about to start blogging about solo polyamorous dating.

For those wondering if you missed some huge breakup post or drama filled lament from me, you didn’t.  Why, because there was no need to write one. I am just not a fighter. In fact, in a decade of being together we have had one screaming match… ever. I am talking one big fight, and it was after we were already broken up. I would call it an airing of our drunken grievances if nothing else. So, again, do no hold your breath for some drama fuelled I hate him post, because it just isn’t how I roll. Calm and rational to the end (well in person).

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I am going to make a tonne of mistakes, because this is a whole new world going it alone in non-monogamy. In fact, I am making one right now that I am kicking myself for (new post coming soon on that one). That being said, I have a sneaking suspicion that this go around in my relationship exploration, there are going to be a lot more posts about peoples reactions to me, and the situations they find themselves in a result of meeting yours truly. There is zero ill will intended, and in a perfect world, everyone would automatically be on the same page as me and we would have great sex and live happily ever after. But, of course we cannot have nice things, especially after 2020.

So, in true me fashion, I hope you enjoy (probably more than I will) the real and raw journey of my solo polyamorous tales going forward. I anticipate bouts of monogamy, dating tales, and well, I don’t even want to guess at all the pitfalls because I might lose my nerve to think of them. Haha! Oh, and I would love to hear your thoughts on using the term ethical when it comes to non-monogamy. For better or for worse, this is going to be a theme I touch on a few times over the next little while, because the word is already becoming problematic. But I will save that for a future post.  Welcome 2021 and my continuing saga of breaking away from monogamy my way.

A huge thank you to everyone who helped fuel me through 2020 on my Patreon! Hopefully the bonus content this year will be even better with sneak peaks of new podcasts, and all the behind the scenes photos you’ve come to enjoy.

Fading Away from Me

Once upon a time, I was with a man who was so polarizing that by comparison I was kind and sweet.  When I ended things with him, I found that who I had become really stood out.  I was not comfortable being that strong minded without someone to have my back.  I felt isolated, and as a result of having that strong personality alone I consciously re-evaluated who I portrayed myself to be.  I changed a lot about myself.  I focused on taking a step back, not reacting immediately and using the excuse of just `sleeping on` every major decision I made, to slow down the rash judgementsI had found myself making.  

Now I find myself in yet another transitional period.  I am hearing far too often that I am really hard to read.  I don’t like that.  There is something alluring about being  mysterious, but that is not the term being used.  I went from being polarizing, to always ending up in the middle.  An ambiguous middle ground where I can flip flop and please anyone at anytime.  The reality is I am just not standing up for my thoughts and feelings.  

I know that I have come along way, and have appropriately re-calibrated my judgement from when I was an impulsive 20 something girl.  And yet, standing out on that ledge, just doesn’t seem second nature anymore.  I somehow, ended up, losing trust in myself.  Losing faith in my own core instincts.  I can’t promise that I will just get it back.  But with some hard work, and some leaps of faith I should be able to get back to that zone where I become fearless again.  Back to a place where I have complete assurance that my opinion matters even if people get pissed off. 

When I became single many years ago, I found myself alone.  Very few family members and only a handful of amazing friends.  I figured I had done something wrong to end up that way.  So I set about pussy whipping my polarizing tendencies and amassed a much broader circle of friends.  However the weird thing is, I now find myself almost alone again.  Yes, that is super hard to write.  The friends I have now are almost the same as who I had in my life before.  They have stuck with me through all my changes, and growth.  If they are going to leave me now, when I reacquaint myself with my opinions and my voice, there is nothing I can do to keep them in my life.  Nor will I. 


I have been through an annoying breakup recently and the people that matter, E namely and a few amazing friends who I doubt want to be named, stuck by me.  I trust myself.  I can do what I set my mind to.  And fuck the people who just don’t get me, or who won’t put the effort into getting to know the person I put before them.  I am more than just my body, I have a sharp sense of humor and well educated opinions.  Time to own who I am, because damn, I am amazing!

The Taboo of Sleeping with an Exes Friend

Why is it so taboo to sleep with an exes friend after a breakup and yet encouraged to sleep with a random stranger to get over someone?  Bro’s before hoes and other such phrases come to mind.  I have touched on this before, so forgive me if I repeat a few thoughts here.  This is an important concept to question and give some serious consideration to.  We put so much emphasis on the thoughts and feelings of the injured party in a breakup and silly little rules, that I think we forget a few more human details in the process.
When you are newly single, often times, getting over that sexual hump is important.  Sex releases endorphin’s and gets your body moving, so it is natural to seek this out when you are emotionally fragile.  Exercise and new experiences, or really anything positive is a good thing.  So why then do we put possible harmful limitations on ourselves when in this potentially fragile frame of mind?  We are not allowed to seek out human comfort from people that we know.  People who are safer, kinder, and we have relationships with?  Why are we not allowed to go seek a one nighter or a few weeks of fun from someone who is friends with the ex?  Society deems this action as taboo, as a social no no, that with which is frowned upon and just plain shunned from any party who knows about it. 
Now I ask you, why is it ok, and encouraged to go out to the bar and get some strange instead, from well, a stranger?  These people are high fived afterwards, congratulated for getting their ex out of their system and they can proudly brag about just using a person to get over someone else.  How is this healthy?  How is this acceptable?  Why is this sort of behavior encouraged?  All this goes hand in hand with just how sex negative our society can be.
Now let us not forget, that it stings to know that your friend and ex have slept together.  It is not a fun feeling, and it can ruin a friendship if you let it.  I have employed the notion of laughing at an ex and a friend sleeping together, laughing that he is now her problem, or sometimes cruelly thinking about some facet of our old sex lives that I no longer have to deal with.  The visual of two people I know being intimate sucks.  But if you really loved someone, the idea of them sleeping with anyone sucks.  Perhaps it is my enduring empathy that I have for people, even exes, that I would not wish them harm.  I would feel a strange and terrible sadness if they went out to the bar, had a one night stand and were physically harmed or emotional abused in some way.  That is much less likely to occur if they slept with someone they knew, not impossible of course, but there is a smaller chance. 

The long and the short of it is, when you are hurting, opening up to a stranger is tough.  Seeking solace in a friend is what they are there for.  If this leads to sexy times, then it does.  I have used complete discretion when I have slept with exes friends.  It is not rubbed in anyone’s face, and what is more, we are all adults and can and should choose who we sleep with.  Just something to think about the next time you chastise a friend for sleeping with an ex.  In my opinion it should be more socially acceptable than the praise of sleeping with a stranger.  And the one final thought on the subject, when two people sleep together it almost never has to do with the exes.  It has to do with those two people, the moment, the lust, the whatever, and no one else.  Sleeping with someone else, and while having an ex on the brain is a whole other ball of wax ie revenge sex, or evening the scores (it happens of course, however it would take an entire piece to deal with the emotional goings on of a tryst like that).

The F&%* Buddy

Firstly I am very excited that this in my first post as a result of a request, which you can e-mail me for.  Some subjects come very naturally to me, but this one is trial and error, (not just my own trials either, I am a great listener and observer).  Firstly, you must not develop feelings other than friendship for the partner.  Secondly, be as open about the situation as possible, lay ground rules for the arrangement and be clear about the intentions.  Thirdly, long term doesn’t work! Keep it short, with a time line for ending things in mind, whether this is accomplished by having a few partners on rotation or making it just a 3 week fling.

If you break rule number one, make a clean break as quickly as possible as there is no going back.  One man fell hard for me after only a few times together, and proposed that we start a family based on feelings of lust.  I severed things immediately afterwards but it took a very long time to even get a friendship back.  On the other hand, I have done the falling and first hand I can tell you that it is necessary to back right off and ensure those feelings do not ever come through.  In both my experiences the communication was not clear, and there was no end date, so there was fancy footwork and fast talking needed to ensure that the friendships remained in tact. 

We are all adults and there is no reason I see that sex cannot be a natural expression of being human.  But please show sympathy if the partner shows any feelings outside of your shared moments of lust.  Either try and communicate clearly point number two about the ground rules and your current needs, or you will have to end things very quickly and swiftly.  Dragging out anything is cruel and there will be no way to ever run into the person again, or worse, a nice little stalker might be the result.

The only exception to following the 3 rules above is if with open communication and both parties on board, you try and make an actual go at a relationship.  If not keep it simple, and know that however hard, it will end.  How it ends, is all up to both partners and keeping open about the situation only.  Please never lead a person on to hope that this can continue long term when it can’t.

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