My Solo Christmas

Solo Christmas

This year, I am alone for Christmas.  Did I arrive here by choice, circumstance, or simply a series of ill-timed events, it’s difficult to say.  But, the end result remains the same, me, spending the entire day of Christmas, on my own. Earlier this year, I felt empowered to travel by myself. To prove that I could pretty much do anything I put my mind to, but my solo Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with pride, and everything to do with self-preservation.

2021, pretty much kept giving me gifts that I did not want.  From ghoster’s (why the hell were their multiple of those???), to energy vampires, to health issues (not mine thankfully, but of a person who has played a major role in my life), and let us not forget grief (losing not one, but two inspirational woman was a bit much). And yet, here I sit, typing this out with my metal Christmas playlist, feeling a strange sense of hope for the new year.

Sure, I have spent the last two or three days crying every few moments that I am alone with my thoughts.  And I anticipate that Christmas Day will be ripe with tears, a lot of self-reflection, and meditation.  But, there will be a specific aim, to let the year go.  To take the time to forgive those who wished to do harm, and celebrate all the incredible souls who stepped up, and made me feel loved.  There were a lot of people who showed their true colours over the pandemic, for better and for worse.  I can only hope that the worst ones are gone from my world. Le sigh… it’s been a year.

There is another reason it feels appropriate to be alone for this day of green and red, and that is, Christmas is a holiday to spend with your nearest and dearest. Christmas is the holiday of love. And we are inundated with stories of caution, warning us that Christmas heartache will turn us into Scrooge or The Grinch.  And quite frankly, I just cannot risk tempting fate in that way.  I would rather be by myself, than take a risk of being with someone who could potentially spoil this season for me permanently!  And truly, with my lack of luck this year, that is exactly what would happen!

For the next few days, I’m going to fly quietly under the radar.  I won’t be putting myself out there.  There will be zero risk taking (which if you know me is not my norm). And if all goes well, there will be zero new stories of my random, and strange life.  I will attempt to understand, reflect, and maybe jot down some stories, rather than spend any more energy making new memories.  This solo Christmas is a choice I hope I never have to make again. But, it is a choice, that I am making, with intent and purpose. 

I wish each of you out there the happiest of holidays, and all the warmest wishes for an absolutely incredible new year!  Peace, love, and happiness for 2022. And of course, the hugest thanks to everyone who kept the beer money flowing during 2021 via my Patreon.

Accepting Our Past

Accepting our Past

I have reached a strange point in my finding new people path, in which, I need to accept that we all have pasts and perhaps even a skeleton or two.  I have been in my head for so long, fearful, that I would be judged for having a non-monogamous past, that I forgot something simple, others have lived experiences too that may be different from mine.  Writing those words down, it seems so clear, and rational.  Of course, other people have pasts, and of course there might be some adjusting I need to do to get to know them.  And this, is the key point that honestly has been holding me back, and I needed to understand, we need to accept our past.

Thank goodness for the calmness I find in yoga and stretching or I might not have got here.  Well, and also the rational and brutally honest voice of one of my dearest friends, who manages to amaze me with her frank cutting through of all the BS that clouds my judgment.  And while I don’t ever recall having this precise conversation with her, I do know what she would say to me, if I vocalized that I was worried about my past in her.  Her response would be curt, and so full of love and wisdom, the perfect balance to have in a friend.  Haha.  Ultimately, she would look at this post, and just roll her eyes, that this wasn’t just obvious to me. Of course, I am not the only one on the planet going into new relationships with baggage or things from my past.

 

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And well, she’s completely right, or would be if I dared ask her, but it was difficult to see.  I spend so much time writing about this big thing, (to me), and it’s hard not to go into the real world and feel that someone out there will think it is too big for them.  And of course, that means they are not the right human for me. In the here and now though, it can feel like a barrier. Something insurmountable, and somehow makes me unlovable. Can you build trust with someone who had a sexually non-monogamous past? The Dirty Stigma around Non-Monogamy is a whole other box to unpack.

I made a huge mistake earlier in the year by not telling a person I was interested in about the topic of my would be book, and blog.  And it ate me up inside.  It was the exact scenario whereby I kept meaning to tell him, and then, I just wouldn’t and more days would go by.  To be fair, neither of us talked about our pasts.  We were very much experiencing life in the present, with zero talk of future.  However, the feeling was uncomfortable and not one that I want to repeat.  And thus, here I am trying to do better, and be less fearful of my past relationship department. And the best advice I can give myself, is to put myself in their shoes, and realize they have a past too.  Now… onto the next puzzle, and that is finding a person who wants to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them. Ooph!

Thank you to everyone who has bought me a beer this year! I have some very fun photos planned for December on my IG and Patreon…. so stay tuned!

Stop Preying on the Vulnerable

No Means NO!

Dramatic Big Cliff Photo for Effect!

I shouldn’t have to have my guard up when I am being vulnerable: And yet, here we are again.  A lot has happened in my personal life over the past month or so, and in order to understand it and process, I write about it. Yet, without fail, when I show the slightest vulnerability, my DM’s get flooded with personal messages from strangers asking if I’m OK. If there is anything they can do, and wishing that they lived closer so they could hug me.  Reality check here, that is predatory behaviour.  Do not think for one freaking second that I do not know what you wish me crying on your shoulder would lead to. As always, no means no!

I make my only presence clear, that I do not like private messages, especially from strangers.  There is no grey area to this.  I am perfectly clear, and repeat myself every few months. And yet, here I am, dealing with something intense and finding that I have to have my guard up against douchebags, preying on my vulnerability.

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I am so freaking done with that behaviour.  So done.  Like beyond done. I deserve to show my feelings in a safe space.  I demand that.  And if you don’t accept that, don’t follow me. But ask yourself first, why you think my feelings and clear demands for consent are not valid to you.  Why do you think you get to supersede my clear words?  Why is it that you believe you are an exception?

Yeah, you’re not going to like that answer if you actually think about it.  Why?  Because, you will find that you are the quintessential “all men” that you probably hate hearing about. Sorry, but I am not sorry! This is ridiculous how many times I have to state the same thing. I should not have to constantly demand respect, not should any other woman.

Yes, I post sexy photos.  Yes, I write about taboo subjects, and absolutely if you follow me on Twitter you will see that I don’t hold much back.  I am real, bold, and proud of who I am!  None of these things should make me a target for dick pictures, lewd messages, or thinly veiled openers to “get inside my private space”.  I am quite comfortable in the public sphere, and believe me, I can handle the majority of people.  What I cannot abide are those individuals who believe rules don’t apply to them. That is a garbage take, and I want you out of my life… right MEOW!

Here is a list, for easy reference of a few other times I have ranted about this, while I sit here baffled that I have to type this out again:

Consent: Why is this Not Getting Through?

Human Beings Have a Right to Say NO

No Means No

Saying No Can be Difficult as a Woman

If you have written anything on this subject, I welcome you to add it to the comments section of this post, or on social media. I will be retweeting all of the articles in hopes of getting through to someone out there who needs to hear this. For those rare individuals who want to atone for bad behaviour of the past, please share this post (after reading a few articles and what others have had to say), and then feel free to buy me a beer via my Patreon!

38 My Year of the Flamingo

Year of the Flamingo

Getting my shit together has been hard work. And in the last year of my life, I pushed through some really difficult things, including budgeting, accepting singledom (and the fact that this time around ghosting is everywhere), and basically forcing myself into a new writing routine. With all that said, my 38th year, I am dubbing the year of the flamingo.  Which I love because it is the most unique, awkward, and interesting creature, thus my spirit animal. Embracing my inner flamingo has been an experience, and while I am not claiming to be an expert on this majestic bird, I do share a lot of traits with it. Or maybe I don’t, and just love the look of them. Either way, it’s fine.

As a very young child, I remember spending hours standing in my grandmother’s kitchen posing like a flamingo. I have no idea where this behavior came from, or for how many years I would do this.  What I do know is that the memory makes me smile, recalling me in my youth, just balancing in a way that made me happy. Zero flocks given!  Haha.

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Now, more than ever, I need that mentality to run through me. I have written a few posts, some shared, some not published yet about embracing that I feel better with a partner.  With a man in my life, I can take over the world, but alone, I only feel this about half the time, or sometimes less. Sure, I get confident bursts and moments, but then I get lonely and recall that I am missing intimacy.  The thoughts of inadequacy, or being too overwhelming for certain people, or that nagging voice that says I expect too much.  There we go, that brings on the tears.  I don’t want to be that intimidating person. Instead, I want to be warm and fuzzy, and yet… I am that flamingo.  Standing alone, in a group of thousands. That’s me.  Bold, pink, and largely mysterious.

I want to be less mysterious to a few souls this 38th year of life, but, who knows what the world actually has in store for me.  While embracing my own emotions has been rewarding, and calling emotions valid has helped, I do truly want partnership.  I hope though that love will appear a few times this year, and maybe not end in heartache? Perhaps? Maybe… pretty please universe?

Did you know that the #SexPositive30Days is currently going on via Twitter?  Join in, like, share, or tell a friend.  Participate for a day or the whole 30 days of October! 

Restlessness in the Wake of My Heart Taking the Lead

A Few More Dating Musings

My Little Writing Helper

There is something I have never felt comfortable talking about, and that is all the times I let my heart get lost to lust, before finding the person I can’t wait to introduce to all my friends. And that is the restless place I find myself in now. I enjoy falling in lust because it can quickly turn into something long lasting. It’s so fun to lose myself to a person, and feel them lose themselves in me for a few moments in time and space. The chasing butterflies is something I written frequently about, and has been one of the biggest joys in my non-monogamous exploration.

But now, I want to briefly describe where I’m currently at, a place in time where I get so excited about a few good men, race to tell all my friends, and then have them disappear or things just not work out. I catch myself feeling a bit crazy, for providing my dearest with a long list of people they have to sort out in their minds, as my heart just happily flutters about. And then boom, is miserable in the wake of loneliness.  It’s a real roller-coaster.  And, I am not 100 percent sure how most people deal with this.

I am unique in my openness and honesty. So perhaps this is simply a bi-product that my friends have to get used to with me until I meet someone who will be still with me. Or maybe, this is why people tend to disappear when they are single and free, because there is just too much going on at the same time to make heads or tails of? Or is it just me again? Do people not date the way I do? With a heavy vetting process that by the time we actually meet, I am fairly confident that we are going to at least make it a few dates in before the fizzle or ghosting occurs?

Processing this is tough. And as none of my nearest and dearest are currently single, I feel like I am navigating alone… again.  Restlessness is a key tenant of mine. When I see something, I like, I go for it. I am all in, and bundle of energy.  And let me tell you, that when the sex is great, I am even more intense and have to remind myself to relax and enjoy the happy ride. It’s a feeling I am used to being a morning person in a world of night owls. My chipper, conquer the world mentality at dawn, does not bode well for… well anyone in my life but my dog.  He loves me for it! And I am used to taking it down a notch for the sanity of those around me. The answer may lie in extending this same thing when it comes to my dating life.  But damn it, some people just get me so excited.

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If you follow me on Twitter (NSWF), you may have noticed a tweet or two in regards to this this silly experiment I am trying out called, shut off my brain and let my heart decide for a while.  It has been… interesting to say the least. I am currently completely head over heels and happy with the kind soul who needs a little time and space. My heart, and body (if I am completely honest) will not let me entertain even the most gorgeous of men into my consciousness right now. I am being held hostage by my heart, and well, it’s something new to experience. But again, how do I properly explain to my besties that I am simply going for a ride right now. That I am putting my normal calm, rational demeaner on the back burner? Especially to those that just want me to be happy!

All I can say is, this is a post with no answer. A good ole fashioned blog post with musings and putting out into the universe that I definitely do not have all the answers. I’m helpless to time, space, and my heart right now. It’s chosen, and… that’s clearly that. Ooph.  Let the roller-coaster of life continue I suppose. 

Thank you all who have provided me with a little liquid encouragement via my Patreon! I promise you it is going to a good cause, and I hope to provide a book update very soon!!!