The Power of Touch

My Lament

The Power of Touch

With the conclusion of every relationship, I look back, and allow my mind to openly accept the red flags that I willingly chose to ignore. We’ve all done it. And I will probably continue to do it. When you are in love with someone you might call these things compromises, or just accept them.  But when you are out of love, they are easier to see. And for a person such as myself who has had two 8 plus year long relationships in a row, I am taking things a step further, and seeing the concessions I made with both men. In this lament, I am going to talk about touch, or rather the lack of it. In short, touch has power, and when I can’t have it, I should walk away, right?

I grew up in a family that hugs and kisses each other… a lot! Touch was quite natural amongst family, but, like any good teenager, I ended up rebelling in my late teens and took a hard stance against hugs of any kind. At the time, I was also with a man who hated/feared intimacy. Unless our clothes were off, there was no hugging, kissing, touching, or hand holding. Touch was just not a thing, and lead me to write about the anti-seductive power of touch.

Fast forward to my last long term relationship where I was granted about 50 percent more out of bedroom intimacy. I honestly felt like I hit the jackpot. Those first few years were ripe with PDA, and all sorts of clothed touch, well, except for one key thing, he refused to hold my hand. In fact, any sort of hand holding in or out of the bedroom would result in an almost anxiety inducing moment for him. But, the hugs, were there, and I felt my self esteem and confidence boost to the point that I started hugging my closest friends again.

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It’s weird to admit, but once I felt that tease of touch, it was like the floodgates opened. I became almost insatiable and just wanted constant touch and affection, as if I was some love starved person. Which, it turns out, I actually was but didn’t recognize it at the time. The innate desire for human touch was a symptom of something I could not admit to myself: that this man and I were not right for each other. We were out of sync for a long time, but, life is life, and it kept us together far longer than it ever should have.

Hindsight is a magical thing, that can actually throw a person like me right down a regret filled rabbit hole. Why didn’t he want to hold my hand, say I love you, hug me just because he could? Was I that unlovable? Was/am I not worthy of intimacy or a connection? These questions swirl around when I least expect them, and get almost unbearable when I meet someone new, because guess what? Covid times mean we are universally out of sync with intimacy and human touch. It is such a fun time to be dating, said absolutely no one! We have a social responsibility to keep our distance from people, and what I am finding out, is that my personality type, and issues with touch are not conducive to this. 

But, I will persevere, try not to come on to strong and touchy feely with new people, and just do my best to work out my desire for intimacy alone, in my bedroom with buzzing toys??

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The Pain of Ghosting

That Too Many of Us Know

The Pain of Ghosting

I’ve had my opinions on why ghosting someone sucks for years. Never for a moment did I think a person who ghosts someone else was an admiral human being. In fact, the contrary. I still believe that a person who just stops responding for no reason is a coward, and spineless. These individuals are not ready to date, because I believe dating adults need to understand how to end a relationship, and handle rejection with grace. But that is an article for another time (or just the one I link to later on), for now, let me share my recent experience with being ghosted.  Just so we are on the same page, let me start with the definition.

What is ghosting?

It is “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

Why am I writing about this?

Because, I was seeing a guy for almost 9 weeks, and out of the blue, he just stopped responding to any messages where I said I wanted to see him. And then, just stopped messaging me altogether.

The thing about this is, I always assumed that ghoster’s would be douchebags, or FuckBoys, or people with zero confidence. I thought that I was smart enough to spot someone who would do that to another person a mile away. Well, I was just knocked down a peg, and my dating confidence was in fact called into question. It’s difficult to be left with all these unanswered questions. To be just left wondering. And what’s worse, to have it done to you by someone that you genuinely thought was just a kind, amazing soul. This guy and I clicked. We made each other smile, and the in-person chemistry was fantastic, or so I thought. Because ultimately, I will never know for sure. My perception remains invalidated due to his silence.

It’s not that I expected this relationship to be forever. But, he made me happy, and did incredibly sweet things for me and I tried to be spontaneous and thoughtful in return. I felt amazing in his arms, and just thinking about him made me smile.  But here I am, wondering, if it was all in my head?

The lack of closure, is uncomfortable. The uncertainty of what happens if we ever run into each other again is real. These situations are not what I expected to encounter as an adult in the dating world. Ghosting, shouldn’t happen when you’re in your late 30’s (as we both were). There just doesn’t seem to be a rational reason with the simplicity of texting at our fingertips.

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But then the compassionate, bleeding heart in me goes… wait… did something happen to him? Maybe it wasn’t me. Perhaps that last message I sent him was the final kick in the nuts, and I’m the real asshole now. Maybe I pushed him too far, and really, he was planning on seeing me, but wanted it to be a surprise (Ha… OK that is a stretch).  In short though, welcome to my brain, because it would be easier for me to be the one in the wrong.  If that was the case, I can fix my behaviour, own it, or basically have some sort of control. Being ghosted like this, takes all power away from me, and leaves that sickening helpless feeling. Which, I know some of you may be wondering what my final text to him was, because if you know me at all, helpless is not something I tolerate.  So here goes pain and all:

“Kinda bummed you just stopped messaging or making an effort to see me. I thought we got along well, and really enjoyed spending time with you. Le sigh…”

Of course his response… Nothing!

So, to all of us out there dating, please don’t ghost other humans. If you have no idea how to face rejection or reject another human, please give the Handling Rejection section of How to Start Conversations. In short, just be good to each other. Truly, we have all been through enough with 2020!

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Being a Disappointment

Serenity Now!

The last text I received from my ex step dad, was his proclamation of how disappointed was in me (And I’m guessing still is). The text came after I sent him my condolences for his mother passing away. I was gutted. Obviously there is a long backstory there, of which I wrote about on my gaslighting pieces, and suffice it to say, our relationship imploded. Enough time has passed, and active healing on my part, to allow me to type this paragraph without crying. And that is a huge deal for me. However, the soul crushing idea that I could disappoint someone I love or who loves me, is one of those things I’m not sure I can ever overcome completely.

So, here is my current struggle. I am immensely proud of this blog, and all the words I have put onto various pages over the years. But, there is a fear, that someone I start to care about, would be disappointed to learn about my past. Or, would be embarrassed to tell their family about the subject matters I have broached over the years. I wake up in the middle of the night more often than not gripping the sheets tightly, having just dreamt that I have been “found out”.

In the calm moments of the day, I can rationalize that I am the compassionate, and loving person that I am today because of all my experiences. And while I desperately want to believe the truth of someone loving me for all my scars and experiences, historically, that has not been the case. I have never been loved by a partner, for the good, bad, and ugly. So, it is hard to trust in the right person being out there, with whom this will happen.

The guy I recently started seeing is amazing. He is good, kind, and we fit together sexually in the most incredible way. But, I worry that I am not good enough for him. That some how I don’t deserve this level of happiness. That I am only worthy of the challenging men, the broken men, and the people who make we work to earn their love.  Ok, now I’m crying.

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To combat this feeling of insecurity and the belief that I am not good enough, I have positive affirmations written on my white board that say things like, “enjoy the happy ride”, “mutual love”, and the like. I am working diligently to break free of this idea that I am not worthy. But, it’s a challenge. I historically have over compensated in relationships to ensure that I am never a disappointment, however, I always am. I end up alone, forging ahead with determination, and a that intense survival mechanism that always allows me to rebuild and move on. And it is insanity to look back and see just how many times I have done that over my lifetime.

I don’t want it to seem like my life has been any more challenging than anyone else’s. Life is not easy, for anyone. And it is with that compassion that I openly accept all the faults of new prospects in my life. I just hope, someday, someone will do the same for me. That somewhere there is a person, who will do the same for me. And perhaps, maybe, I won’t be a disappointment.

Thank you to all who have liked, shared, and supported me over the years. And a special thank you to all who have fuelled my beer fund!

2021 – Real and Raw

Real and Raw for 2021

Over the past few weeks I have written some pretty great rants for my blog.  And then I read them over, and realize that nope, they are not for public consumption. Instead they are tough conversation starters that I need to have at home. And it’s funny, that that was why I started blogging in the first place, writing out the hard questions (It was called question everything). Before I developed the skills to talk about the hard stuff, I would write them down, in an ambiguous way and then just hope that the person they were about would read them, and just intuitively decode the message and we could talk about things. Spoiler alert… it NEVER happened.

But, I did get practice writing rants, raves, and general queries out to collect my thoughts. Which turned into better clarity when talking about all the difficulties in my relationship, and of course led to real changes or realizations that things had to be accepted or move on. So why am I sharing this with you? Because my friends, that is who I am. I am real, and raw and ready to tackle 2021. So get ready because I am about to start blogging about solo polyamorous dating.

For those wondering if you missed some huge breakup post or drama filled lament from me, you didn’t.  Why, because there was no need to write one. I am just not a fighter. In fact, in a decade of being together we have had one screaming match… ever. I am talking one big fight, and it was after we were already broken up. I would call it an airing of our drunken grievances if nothing else. So, again, do no hold your breath for some drama fuelled I hate him post, because it just isn’t how I roll. Calm and rational to the end (well in person).

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I am going to make a tonne of mistakes, because this is a whole new world going it alone in non-monogamy. In fact, I am making one right now that I am kicking myself for (new post coming soon on that one). That being said, I have a sneaking suspicion that this go around in my relationship exploration, there are going to be a lot more posts about peoples reactions to me, and the situations they find themselves in a result of meeting yours truly. There is zero ill will intended, and in a perfect world, everyone would automatically be on the same page as me and we would have great sex and live happily ever after. But, of course we cannot have nice things, especially after 2020.

So, in true me fashion, I hope you enjoy (probably more than I will) the real and raw journey of my solo polyamorous tales going forward. I anticipate bouts of monogamy, dating tales, and well, I don’t even want to guess at all the pitfalls because I might lose my nerve to think of them. Haha! Oh, and I would love to hear your thoughts on using the term ethical when it comes to non-monogamy. For better or for worse, this is going to be a theme I touch on a few times over the next little while, because the word is already becoming problematic. But I will save that for a future post.  Welcome 2021 and my continuing saga of breaking away from monogamy my way.

A huge thank you to everyone who helped fuel me through 2020 on my Patreon! Hopefully the bonus content this year will be even better with sneak peaks of new podcasts, and all the behind the scenes photos you’ve come to enjoy.

Fading Away from Me

Once upon a time, I was with a man who was so polarizing that by comparison I was kind and sweet.  When I ended things with him, I found that who I had become really stood out.  I was not comfortable being that strong minded without someone to have my back.  I felt isolated, and as a result of having that strong personality alone I consciously re-evaluated who I portrayed myself to be.  I changed a lot about myself.  I focused on taking a step back, not reacting immediately and using the excuse of just `sleeping on` every major decision I made, to slow down the rash judgementsI had found myself making.  

Now I find myself in yet another transitional period.  I am hearing far too often that I am really hard to read.  I don’t like that.  There is something alluring about being  mysterious, but that is not the term being used.  I went from being polarizing, to always ending up in the middle.  An ambiguous middle ground where I can flip flop and please anyone at anytime.  The reality is I am just not standing up for my thoughts and feelings.  

I know that I have come along way, and have appropriately re-calibrated my judgement from when I was an impulsive 20 something girl.  And yet, standing out on that ledge, just doesn’t seem second nature anymore.  I somehow, ended up, losing trust in myself.  Losing faith in my own core instincts.  I can’t promise that I will just get it back.  But with some hard work, and some leaps of faith I should be able to get back to that zone where I become fearless again.  Back to a place where I have complete assurance that my opinion matters even if people get pissed off. 

When I became single many years ago, I found myself alone.  Very few family members and only a handful of amazing friends.  I figured I had done something wrong to end up that way.  So I set about pussy whipping my polarizing tendencies and amassed a much broader circle of friends.  However the weird thing is, I now find myself almost alone again.  Yes, that is super hard to write.  The friends I have now are almost the same as who I had in my life before.  They have stuck with me through all my changes, and growth.  If they are going to leave me now, when I reacquaint myself with my opinions and my voice, there is nothing I can do to keep them in my life.  Nor will I. 


I have been through an annoying breakup recently and the people that matter, E namely and a few amazing friends who I doubt want to be named, stuck by me.  I trust myself.  I can do what I set my mind to.  And fuck the people who just don’t get me, or who won’t put the effort into getting to know the person I put before them.  I am more than just my body, I have a sharp sense of humor and well educated opinions.  Time to own who I am, because damn, I am amazing!